Today's blog

Well, it has been since May 8th since I've posted a blog. But, I decided to do one today. Speech seems to still be a struggle. Some days are better than others but if any kind of stress comes on me the speech issues raise up again. Also, I continue to have tremors. But, I had not fallen since my last visit to Charleston even though I have stumbled a time or two at home and thought I was going down, I was able to stop it before hitting the floor. That is until today. Today was my youngest daughter's pre-school graduation so I went to that. My mother is in the hospital so I was dealing with some very emotional issues including realizing that I will probably not have any more children. Especially given my health. Jason is off to boot camp so I worry about him and Cottia is winding down with her first grade year. All of that I think is what led to the fall today. I had gone to the medical center in Swansea because my left knee was a little swollen and painful from the last fall in Charleston. But, I didn't go today. Pain always seems to set in for me after a while instead right away like most people. Today's fall was in the hallway at First Baptist Church where Eva attended preschool. Maw Maw had already gotten her out so she didn't see it which was good because she gets very upset when she sees me fall. So, I had to allow the tremors pass before I could get up and head home. The men of the Church helped me out and I was able to get home and spent the rest of the day not doing anything. I am tired and noticed that I really scraped my left knee to the point of bleeding. There is also some pain in my left thigh but I will see how it goes for a few days and see how it goes. If I am in major pain then I'll go sooner. The knee is a bit swollen but I can bear it.

Eva was so cute today in her dress and the way she sang and did her motions for the program. It is really hard to believe the year is over and my baby is growing up so fast. Cottia is also doing very well in school and I could not be more proud.

Well, that is all I'm going to write goday. I'm tired and sore and just want to rest and hope not to fall again anytime soon. So, I pray God will richly bless you all and give you grace and peace throughout the day. Have a great night and day tomorrow!

t

I was thinking that 7 years ago my wife and I were expecting our first child. As mother's day grew closer, I really took stock of my life and who I was and the Father I hoped to be to this child. Emily was so wonderful during the pregnancy. She took such good care of herself. I remember buying classical music for her to play to the baby in the womb. They say it stimulates brain activity and calms the baby. She played it everynight. I remember watching Emily laying on the couch with the headsets on her stomach while the baby listened. I also remember talking to the baby myself and telling her just how important she was and how much she would be loved by her parents and grandparents. We had a tape of the ultrasound of the baby that really brought home the reality of being a parent and the responsibility that came with it.

Well, during this time, Emily's grandfather was growing weaker and weaker and we knew his time with us was short. We just did not know how short it was. I also remember thinking how important it was to me that he saw our child before he went home to be with the Lord. We were in touch with Emily's Aunt Linda in Virginia and she let me know that time was running out. So, I had a copy of the ultrasound made and sent to Virginia. I remember riding home with Emily after having dinner or seeing a movie on a Saturday evening. As we approached the exit, I just knew that this was the night Granddad was going home. I didn't say anything and we went home for the night. The next day was Sunday and I came around into the kitchen to find Emily in tears. But, she still had the composure to be taking the vitamins to keep the baby healthy. So, I called some of her friends and they came over to comfort her as we prepared to make the trip to Virginia for Granddad's funeral. When we arrived, I asked Aunt Linda if she had gotten the tape and did he see his great grandchild. What she told me was beyond amazing. On the night of his death, she played for him the video of the ultrasound. He could barely hold his eyes open so Aunt Linda sat with him and held his eyes open so he could see our baby. He would pass a few ours later. I don't know how much he actually saw and it really does not matter. The point was that we know he saw something of this wonderful creation God had given us and I truly believe he saw the baby moving and knew what was going on. On July 19th, our baby girl was born to the most beautiful and wonderful mother she could have hoped for.

Then, I have a second memory of our other child. We found out that Emily has a blood cloting disorder that could cause problems and even a miscarriage. So, Emily had to give herself shots to prevent the clots from forming. I remember watching my wife give herself the shots and how she bruised and thinking how I admired her and the desire she had to have this second child. Since we had found out that there were issues with us getting pregnant, we realized just how much of a miracle our first child was. So, we had to use a fertility clinic for the second. I won't get into specifics but Emily called me from Charleston where she was on a Beta club trip and told me the pregnancy test was faint but positive. So, we went to the clinic and long story short, we were told there was only a 10% chance Emily would be able to carry this baby. I spoke personally with the nurse and she told me that it could be several things, a tubal pregnancy, twins with one in the tubes and the other ok but either way I needed to be prepared to comfort Emily because we were going to lose this child. Wendy, the nurse, was very open and honest with us and we greatly appreciated that. She told us that we would be able to try again, so I prepared for the worst. But, my wife prepared to carry this baby to full term. Well, we were getting ready to go to Virginia for Easter or some holiday I can't remember which but Wendy said she would do an ultrasound for us before we left and even told Emily that she could miscarry the baby herself just to be prepared for extra bleeding and if we needed to that we were to go to the hospital in Virginia. Then, she started the ultrasound. As she made her way towards the womb, I will never forget when she said, "well, it's not in the tubes." Then she told us not to be upset if we didn't see a heartbeating. But, as we sat there and the ultrasound found the baby, we saw the most amazing thing. That little heart was beating as fast as it could. Wendy and I cried but Emily said she knew all along that she would be able to carry this baby. I guess, a mother just knows thses things. Even after the ultrasound Wendy prepared us for the worst. Well, on October 28th, Emily gave birth to our second child. A perfectly healthy second baby girl who is now 3 and will turn 4 this October.

The stories of my children are very different as are with all children but they are mine and while this illness has taken some of my memory and caused me confusion it has not taken away the miracle of  the two lives I have been charged with caring for and the love and sacrifice of the woman who carried them and never doubted God would provide and give us healthy children.

Now, life is filled with baths, ball games, church, trips to Virginia, and other normal things that parents do with their children but most of all, our lives are filled with love and great joy that my wife never doubted and always put her children before anything else. The final thing I will say on this post is I remember Emily looking at me as got close to giving birth to our first child and told me that if things got rough and I had to make a decision I was to chose the child not her. I just give thanks to God that I never had to make that decision because honestly I don't think I could have.

Well, now you know the story of how our two little one's came to be in our lives and the love of a mother who was willing to give herself shots and play music and take vitamins just so her children would be given every opportunity to be as healthy as possible. For that, I am forever grateful that this woman shares my life and loves her children with all her heart. She is the very example of what a true mother is.

Happy Mother's day,

t

Yesterday I found out that my mom had found a lump in her breast. She is a breast cancer survivor so they take these things very seriously. She had a CT scan and a mamogram yesterday. The doctor called today and said that both she and the x-ray tech think it is a hemotoma (sp) but the only way to be sure was to do a biopsy and they didn't want to put mom through that. Instead they will monitor it and keep a close eye on her.

As for my health, the last two days have not been bad but I get so tired just taking a shower. Yesterday a few of the men from our Church came over and handled some things that I cannot do and we are so appreciative to them for that. Our pool is now open and the girls can start using it for the summer. Emily bought some stairs so I can get in and out because I can't use the ladder so I am looking forward to that.

Today, I picked up my oldest daughter from school and took her to see a movie. It was nice spending time with her. We went through McDonald's for supper and now she is spending the night with our God daughter tonight so she is having a big weekend. But, that special time with my girl is priceless. I hope to be able to do more things like that as my health improves but we still have a long ways to go.

So, tonight I'm home with my wife and youngest daughter. I give thanks for all that has been done and how God is working things out.

Well, that is about it. I am still on the walker and still having tremors but my speech seems to be improving and hopefully it will continue to improve.

I pray God's richest blessings on you all and that his grace will fall on you like rain and give you all peace. Take care and remember to go to Church Sunday!

t

I haven't posted in a while but wanted to tonight. Today was another session in Charleston. My mom and her husband took me for which I am very grateful. It was certainly an adventure to say the least. On the way down we went the back roads which is the way I like to go but Vance decided to pass a car in Holly Hill and he was pulled. Fortunently the policeman only gave him a warning ticket. Then, as we got into Charleston, I got confused and we got lost which hightened my stress level. Finally, we found the correct building and I made my way in. I had to use the restroom and as I was coming out I was in a hurry so I pulled the door really fast. I don't remember a great deal of detail after that but I hit the floor. Their floors are not carpeted but are brick so it was a very hard fall. The tremors then started and the security guard called the medics. They wanted to take me to the emergency room for x-rays but I refused because I didn't think I was hurt very bad. So, they brought me a wheel chair and my counselor came and got me and we had a shortened session but we did get it in. I have fallen three times including today's since I've seen my Dr. in Charleston so we addressed the events leading up to the falls which I think is very important and so does she. Then as I wheeled out and got out of the wheelchair my lower back was numb. That was a first. I have hurt my lower back but I have never had it go numb. When the medics were examining me they commented that I had some fluid build up in my left knee and as the afternoon went on I noticed that the pain had moved up my leg a bit. It is not unusual for me to feel pain until much after the event that caused the pain has happened. So, I'll keep an eye on it and may go to the urgent care in Swansea either tomorrow or Thursday if it continues. One other thing I would like to mention. I have had to say goodbye to my counselor here in Columbia. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She was always there for me and guided me with good advice and love. I know we will remain friends and will keep in touch but it won't be a counselor/client relationship so, in a way, it may end up being a deeper relationship than before. None the less, I am forever grateful to her for all she did and my new counselor in Charleston acknowledged just how hard that had to have been for both of us. So, I am going from good hands to good hands all the while God is guiding my steps so I know I am in his will. Thank you Father for allowing both these women to be a part of my life when it is such a difficult time. You are my rock and I stand in the unshakable ground and give you praise and glory for opening a new door and keeping the old door open just with a different path. May your name be forever praised and glorified.

On some more positive notes. My oldest child is riding a 5 game hitting streak on her softball team!! I am so proud of her and our team has only lost 1 game!!

My youngest continues to be a mess. I told her the other night that she was so pretty. She looked at me and said "I know." Well, I really love the self confidence.

My wife continues to be the rock and works very hard as our family continues to go through this. Right at this moment I am sore and tired. But, I have survived another fall and continue to be grateful to God for all he has done. I'm sorry to all those who read these blogs for not blogging more often. I'll try to do better.

Finally, I pray God's richest blessing on each of you and that his mercy will fall like rain on you and give you peace.

t

It has been an interesting week. My counselor in Columbia felt it best that I just get treatment in Charleston. I have certainly worked on a lot with her and will miss her greatly. I also feel I have made a lot of progress with her but she was so gracious in the way she handled thing and I know in the end all she wants is the best for me and that is probably going to be in Charleston. None the less it was hard to realize that I won't be going over there to see her weekly or even every other week. So, another chapter closes in the journey that I have been on but a new one has opened up and I am excited about that.

There really isn't a lot more to say about the week. The girls are doing well and Cottia's softball team continues to win even though they did lose a game last week. It was our first loss of the season. I have been blessed to go to the games and sit in the care but I can see all of the action so I don't miss anything. Cottia got a hit and on base in that game and she made a wonderful stop in the outfield to prevent the other team from scoring another run so she is really becoming quite the little softball player. Eva continues to grow and really loves her school. She is making friends and doing well. We were home one evening, I don't remember which one, but she looked at me and said "Daddy I have a booger in my nose." So, I told her to go get a tissue and blow her nose. She did and proudly came back around to my den and showed it to me. All I could do was laugh.

Saturday was my cousin's youngest childs birthday so I took the girls to the party. The had a great time and I had a lot of help and was able to sit most of the way through. But, on the way out of the party there is a drop off from the concret. It is more like an incline. Well, I fell. I really hurt my knees and fell backwards on my backside and it really hurt my tailbone. I think I have aggrevated the tailbone break. But, the doctor's have already told me there is nothing they can do so I just have to endure it.

Last night we took Jason out for supper. His mother came and so did a family friend of ours. We ate at Pedro's the Mexican restaurant here in Swansea. We had them do the little birthday thing they do which entails putting a Mexican somprao on him, banging a can and giving him fried ice cream. We all has a good time and he told us he was going to be able to come to church today which was great.

His mom came with him which was great for him. This mornings service was also unique and very interesting as we had a Messianic Jew conduct the service and conduct the Sedor service which is the Passover meal. I really enjoyed that and learning how it clearly points to Jesus and the Messiah prophisied in the old Testament.

Then came the moment of truth. Jason came out to the car to say goodbye to our family. He really showed the girls how much he loved them and he gave Emily a hug and showed her how much she had meant to him. Then, he came around to me. I felt like a part of me was leaving because I know what he will go through having been in the Navy and going through bootcamp myself. I told him how proud of him I was and how we will miss him. I told him that I could not be more proud of him than I am at this moment. I tried to hold my emotions in but it was hard and I did shed a tear. But, I know we are sending him off in God's hands and this is the best option for him and for his future. So, we let him go and then came home. It was a pretty normal Sunday afternoon from there. Cottia did have practice this afternoon so Eva and I watched a movie and tried to do a few things but it really wore me down and now I am really beginning to feel some pain so I am in my chair and resting.

So, that was it. I go back to Charleston May 1st for my next appointment. In the mean time I will try to stay as busy as I can and do as much as I can to keep my strength. Once again, I pray God's blessings on you all and that his grace will fall on you and give you peace.

Have a great week and God bless,

t

Today was a day I had been looking forward to for sometime. I had my first session in Charleston. Jason went with me so I did not go alone. He was great company and it gave me the opportunity to be with him before he leaves for bootcamp on Monday. He will be in training over the weekend but we are hoping to get to do something with him Saturday evening. We will have to see if he can get there. He is going to check with his recruiter tomorrow and let us know.

The session went very well. I was having some tremors and my speech started off rough but once I settled down it got better. We talked about a lot of things and I truly believe the doctor down there can do a lot of good for me. One thing she said that was to my advantage was that she did not have to coax me to talk. It was obvious that I wanted to talk and that is always good. She did say that there will be days when I leave mad or frustrated because we are really going to have to deal with some very deep issues and it might get tough. She also said there may come a time when I have to choose between coming to Charleston or sticking with my counselor in Columbia but that is nothing to worry about right now. We will just have to see how things go. That would be hard for me because I really do love my counselor here but also know that the neuro psychiatrist is going to be good for me as well. I believe Charleston is the place where I can make the most progress if it comes to that but I hope it doesn't so we will see how all that turns out.

In the mean time, I will pray and leave that in God's hands and allow him to work. I am glad to be back home. I'm tired both physically and emotionally but it is good to be home and in my own chair.

So, life goes on. But, I do think I am going to see some progress and make some improvements. But, it is going to get dirty and there will be things I don't want to face but God has put me in this place at this time in my life so I can deal with them and heal so I can better serve him.

I pray God's blessings on you all and that his mercy and grace will fall on you all. Have a great evening.

t

Good evening, Not an aweful lot to blog about today. I took Cottia to school then went and got Jason. He spent the day here and is going with me to Charleston tomorrow. He now has his drivers permit so he can drive if necessary. I am excited to begin my treatments down there and feel this is a huge step towards recovery. I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow but we will find out when we get there.

Cottia had a softball game tonight and I am very proud to say that she got a base hit and drove in a run!! She expects to hit a homerun everytime so I am dealing with explaining that what she did is just as important as a homerun and she should want to hit a homerun but should be happy with just base hits. The ball park has been great about allowing me to park in the outfield so I can watch the games and I let Jason drive to give him some practice. He did pretty good and he will be just fine.

On a sad note, this is the last night he will spend with us for a while as he leaves Monday for bootcamp and then AIP back here at Ft Jackson. I hope we will get to see him from time to time while he is in training but we will see how that works out.

I actually felt pretty good today. I think it is the anticipation of what is going to happen in Charleston over the next few weeks and months. It has given me some hope that I was afraid I had lost.

So, that is about it. I'll try to blog about tomorrow depending on how tired I am. It will be a long day but one that is needed.

Once, I pray God blesses you and all who read this. I pray his grace will fall on you and that you will have peace and grace in your lives.

t

Well, it's Sunday and we are back home. We had a great trip even though I feel bad that Emily had to drive the entire way. She has had to do that now for several years. But, I am still hopefully that I will get back up and running. We got home last night and the girls did very well on the trip. We did make it to Church this morning but it was hard for me to sit on the Church pew. I fell twice in Virginia and one was backwards and I felt my back throbing and I think I probably aggrevated the broken tail bone. But, there isn't anything the doctors can do so there really isn't a reason to go to see the doctor.

I felt a little stronger today. But, am really tired now. The girls are at a birthday party with their mother but should be home shortly. I'm glad they have this time with her. I know it is important. My oldest has been very protective of me and last night told me she was so glad that I was her daddy and that she loved spending time with me. Needless to say she knows how to make my heart melt. I took her to my mother's farm before the party and we saw some newly hatched geese. They were so cute and she really enjoyed seeing them.

I think one thing that is bothering me is I am beginning to realize that I may never sing like I used to. I don't really try in Church anymore and when I try on my own the voice is just not there. Music has identified who I was for so long that I don't know how I am going to deal with this realization if the voice is really gone. Our Church does not really do the type of music I like to sing but they have been great about asking me to sing. I just don't feel comfortable and am really scared that my tremors would take over so I allow the fear to take over and am afraid to even try.

None the less, life goes on even if I can't sing. My speech seems better and I begin treatments in Charleston this week. Jason is going with me. He got his drivers permit this week and it will be good to spend the time with him. He leaves next Monday for boot camp and I'll admit, I will miss him greatly. He has done so much for us and really has become a part of our family. So, a part of us will go with him and he will always have our prayers and best wishes.

My youngest said today that God spoke to her this morning and he is coming to visit in 24 hrs and he wants mac and cheese and pumpkin pie! Well, I guess we have to get ready for a very important visit! Cottia's "boyfriend" wrote her a note today and simply said he loves Cottia and Swamp People....well, I guess he will fit in our family just fine if their relationship holds!

Well, that is about it. As always, I pray God's richest blessings on you all and that you will have a great week. May his grace fall over you and give you all peace.

t

Well, it has almost been a week since I have blogged and a lot has happened but I will try to address the most important. First, was Good Friday, the girls had the day off and honestly, I don't remember much of what we did. But, Saturday we had our family get together at my cousin's house for Easter. It was great for the girls to get to spend time with that side of the family. I was sitting on the couch and when I tried to get up I did fall back on the couch but my cousin and some other guys were there and they helped me up and out to the car which was nice. We made our way home and got ready for Easter Sunday. We were leaving right after Church to come to Virginia for spring break. I feel really bad that my wife has to drive the entire way but she does and she never complains. Actually on Saturday Cottia had a softball game first thing in the morning. Her team won and is undefeated. I am able to go and park in the outfield so I can watch the game without having to get out and risk a fall. Then, we had an Easter egg hunt at our Church and the girls really enjoyed that before we headed to my cousins. In fact, Cottia found the golden egg and Eva found the silver egg so they both found the two most coveted eggs! I was so happy for them and proud at the same time.

There really isn't much to report on the trip. Tonight we went out to eat with Emily's dad and when we got home I fell coming in. I hurt my knee and the left side of my body is in a little pain but I am mostly tired which is normal given the tremors that always follow a fall. I stayed on the floor for about 10 minutes but thankfully, I don't feel pain like everyone else does so I am not in as much pain as most people would be.

It is always great to be up here. The girls always look forward to spending time with their grandmother and seeing their grandfather if he is up which he is this trip. I pretty much stay close to home but Emily and her mother take the girls out and they enjoy the time weather at the playground of if they take them somewhere that is a tourist attraction. Right now there are a lot of forest fires around so we have to keep an eye on that just to be safe. There are some places that are under evacuation orders but right now we are not.

Lord willing, we are coming home Saturday so we will have a day before they start school again and I go to Charleston next Tuesday for my first real treatment at MUSC.

So, that is about it. I'm tired from the fall but life goes on. I hope and pray God will bless each and everyone of you that reads this and that he will send his grace apon you. Have a great evening and take care.

t

Today has started off much better than yesterday. My speech is still not good but I don't feel light headed or dizzy like I did yesterday. I do have a headache and have had some PVC's but it is nothing new.

This is a great day for me. My wife had bought me a pair of xtra large shorts instead of 2x. I have not fit in xtra large in over ten years. I realize different brands make their cloths differently so this xtra might be a 2x in other cloths but I am still celebrating this accomplishment. Since I have been disabled I have really not been able to do a lot of exercising but I think pushing the walker around has helped. It is a great feeling and has really raised my spirits.

There really isn't much more to say today. We are looking for some rough weather here this afternoon and tonight and tomorrow the girls and Emily will be home. It will be nice to have them here.

I want to take this time to wish everyone a very happy Easter and ask all who read this to remember what Easter is all about. The resurrection of Jesus and the gift of salvation. I pray God blesses you all and gives you the peace that surpasses all understanding. Remember to go to Church and give him praise for all he has done in your life!

Have a great day to one and all.

t

I am going to do another blog for today. It has been a rough day. I am still light headed and feel dizzy. I also have a bad head/neck ache on the left side. It seems to be starting in the neck and moving through the left eye area. I have had neck tremors most of the day and feel exhausted. But, I did get some rest, but I was not able to make my counseling session this morning. I don't think it was safe for me to travel. My speech was very rough this morning but is better this afternoon. I'm not sure what is going on but I can tell the PVC's are way more active. But, once again, I know things will get better. I really wanted to go to the counseling session this morning because I felt I needed it but it just was not safe. When I called the counseling center they understood and seemed to understand. I think they would rather me be safe than risk my life and anyone else's. But, none the less, I do feel I missed the session and really needed it.

Now on to better news, the girls got home and both girls have their Bible verses for Awana's and I am very proud of them and what they are learning and accomplished doing Awana's.

I am hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day and will trust God for that.

I still have the feeling of being useless but I feel loved and I guess that is the most important thing.

Well, once again, I pray God's peace be with you all and his grace fall on you like rain. Take care and God bless,

t

For the first time in my life I feel useless. My daughter is playing softball and I can't even work with her. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that she has someone working with her and he is doing a great job and she is really playing well. But, I just feel so bad that I cannot help her. Then you throw in that my singing voice does not seem to be coming back. I can sing some but not the way I used to and I worry it will never come back. I wake up and some days I feel ok but others like today, I am light headed and dizzy. The PVD's are becoming more frequent.

Well, enough of the pity party. I know life will get better but right now, I am just so down. I'm not going to blog anymore but I do pray God's bless you all and give you a great day.

t

I realize I have blogged in a few days but things are about the same. I still have chest pains and the PVC's have increased. I seem to have a lot of headaches but they are different than the headaches I am used to. They are mainly in my neck radiating up to my head. It is very painful but is almost always there. The ringing in my left ear is very pronounced and really frustrating. I can see why it drives people crazy.

My oldest has a softball game tomorrow night and I am so excited that I get to go. I am allowed to park up by the ball park so I can watch the game without having to get out. But, I am still there and really enjoy the games.

I did fall twice last week. Once was after I had taken a shower but I had dried off and gotten dressed then I fell. The other was at Church Sunday morning. I have a bit of carpet burn on my left elbow but it is nothing major. I have kind of grown used to falling and know how to do it without any major damage. All falls are accompained by tremors.

The girls are amazing. Just the other night Eva actually said to me that she is an amazing girl. I laughed but looked at her and said, you certainly are. Cottia continues to do well in school and on the softball field. Emily continues to be a rock and I know she is under a lot of stress but she handles it pretty well.

Jason spent this last Saturday evening and it was good to have him in the house so he could go to Church with us Sunday. He is a very good young man and carries himself with such dignity and grace. We are very proud of him.

Well, that is about it. The tremors and falling continue. The speech fluency seems to have gotten a little better again so I think that is back on the mend. So, I am ready to start the treatment at MUSC in April and hope for good results in a short period of time.

As always, I pray God's blessings on you and may his grace fill your life with joy and peace.

t

Yesterday and today have been kind of rough. The ringing in my ears is really bad and I have a pretty constant headache and ear ache. The PVC's are really acting up and I have been light headed and dizzy but I am determined to continue.

I really haven't done very much since getting back from Charleston. I'm still tired from that trip and am resting a lot. I feel very weak and tired but I do get up and get the girls going. I also try to get Emily her glass of tea before she leaves so she does not have to worry about that.

It is amazing to me how much I miss things I used to be able to do like cutting my grass or even washing our vehicles. But, even taking a shower still takes it out of me.

I have found a lot of comfort in listening to music and it seems to calm me down as well. I love music and it really touches my soul. The one thing that really does worry me is that I may never sing again like I used to do. But, that is in God's hands and I have to trust that his will is perfect.

Well, Cottia has another game this Saturday and she is excited. I am so proud of her not just because of her playing softball but because of the young lady she is becoming.

I also look forward to nights like this when Emily takes her to practice and I get to spend the evening with Eva and even put her to bed. We have a system figured out for her getting into bed and we blow kisses to each other.

Well, that is about it for tonight. I continue to go forward and am hopeful that the treatment at MUSC will be able to help and I can get back to some form of life. The doctor down there told me they may not be able to get me back to the way I once was but they hope to be able to make improvement and get me functioning. I'll do whatever they say with the hope of making improvement.


As always, I pray God's richest blessings on you all and that his grace will flow over your lives and give you peace.

t

We are back from Charleston and I must say I really do feel good about the direction I am heading. It was also nice to go down with Emily last night and spend the night just her and I. We both met with the doctor which was very important because Emily remembers things that I don't and I get confused so easily and she has a way of wording things that helps me to understand. The one thing the doctor said was that we are already ahead of the game because we have accepted the diagnosis and she can see how much I want to get better. The way it will work is My doctor will coordinate care with psychiatry and the neurology department for the best treatment for me. I don't go back until April 17th because of her patient load but after that it will be every other week. She does not want me to drive myself for the first few sessions. So, I will have to have someone take me but eventually they do think I will be able to drive myself down there. She also said that she thinks I may be having some panic attacks but we will address that as we go through treatment. My speech was not good at all today but I think that was because I didn't know what to expect. I also had a lot of PVC's during the session but I think it is due to the realization that I will have to address a lot of things that maybe I didn't want to address. But, one thing she said is that we are really going to have to address a lot of very difficult issues and it will be tough but in order for me to get better we have to do this.

One thing I am glad about is that I will continue to meet with my counselor in Lexington. The way it will work is the week I go to Charleston I will not meet with my counselor here but the week I don't go I will meet with her. This is important to me because of the relationship we have developed and the doctor in Charleston felt that was very important and due to the fact that I have made progress that justifies me continuing with the counselor here.

It was a shame we could not stay in Charleston longer than we did because the weather was so nice. It was just a beautiful day. But, Emily and I ate lunch and then came home. I was emotionally drained and tired so I took a nap while she went and got the girls. It was great to wake up from my nap to those two beautiful faces smiling at me. I am currently rocking Cottia as she winds down to get ready for bed.

Cottia is already looking forward to her next softball game on Saturday. We will see if we get another homerun. Weather she hits one or not does not matter as long as she has fun.

Well, that is about it. I pray God's blessings on you all and that his grace will pour out on you.

t

Last night was not a good night. I woke to very severe neck tremors. I had no control over them and I just had to ride them out. I tried holding my head and even that did not work. Finally they did subside and I got to sleep but I was just work out. When I woke, I was tired and dizzy so I stayed home from Church.

I went back to bed after Emily and the girls had gone to Church. By this time, my chest was hurting again and I had to take the nitro. Finally the chest pain did subside and I was able to get back to sleep.

When I woke, Emily and the girls were back and it was time for Eva's nap. So, Emily was able to get some rest which I felt she really needed so we both napped for several hours.

Now, it is evening and I am once again having the chest pains so I am hoping they will calm down so I don't have to take the nitro again. The headache that comes from it is just off the wall.

Well, we leave tomorrow afternoon to go to Charleston for my assessment at MUSC. I am ready to get started and hope for some great results.

As always, I pray God's blessings on you all and that his grace will follow you throughout your day and night.

t

Well today started off with a bang. I woke with very intense chest pains and sweating very badly. It was about 4:30 if I remember correctly. I started to wake Emily but I wanted her to sleep and if it was a heart attack there was really nothing that could be done. I got up and felt very weak and unstable but I made it to the kitchen and took my nitro spray. It always gives me such a headache but the chest pain did begin to subside and eventually I was able to go back to sleep. When I woke again about 8:30 it was time to start the day. I still felt very weak but I managed a shower and I was determined that I was not going to miss my daughter's first softball game this season.

I still felt weak but I was feeling like I was getting stronger and would be ready to go to the game. So, I made my way to the ball park and am I glad I was able to be there. Cottia was up to bat. It was her first at bat of the season and for the first time in her life she hit a HOMERUN!! I was beyond thrilled. I was able to park my truck just outside the ball park so I saw it all. It was one of the biggest thrills of my life and the look on her face was simply priceless. After the game she went with her mother to a birthday party and I took Eva with me to Burger King for lunch that I had promised her.

I brought Eva back home and we ate lunch and watched some tv then took a nap. Once we woke she watched some more TV and then it was time for bed.

But, what a day it has been. Right now I am having some chest pains but they are not too bad. I guess we will see if it gets back to the way it was last night.

Well, that is about it. On this day my daughter hit a homerun and I enjoyed time with my baby girl and now it is raining. I don't know what the future has or how much of a future I have but on this day I thrilled at the accomplishment of my child and that is enough for now.

I pray God will richly bless you all and give you peace. I pray his mercy and love will follow you all and that his peace will be with you now and ever more.

Have a great night and day in Church tomorrow.

t

Today was such a beautiful day and the weather was so nice so I decided to open all the windows in the house. Luckily our windows are chest high for me so I don't have to bend down or over to open them. It was nice to have the fresh air in.

I felt a little light headed and dizzy throughout the morning but I didn't feel any chest pains or PVC's So I just decided to not worry about it. I got some rest and then the girls got home. Cottia had her homework to do and Eva played with her baby dolls. My mother and her husband came by for a visit which was nice and then Cottia had a scrimmage. I wasn't sure about going but I really wanted to be there. Eva had decided she was going so I went too.

Cottia didn't play much but she did get a bat. She managed to get a foul tip but not on base. But, I don't think it really matters to her. She just wants to be out there and to be with her friends. She seems so happy and really enjoys softball. I was glad to be there and to enjoy the game and my oldest girl as she plays.

After the game was over I went ahead because it takes me a little longer to get to the car given that I have to use the walker. Eva went with me. There is a step off to the parking lot and I fell as I stepped off. I was very embarrassed and felt ashamed that this happened. Eva was upset but luckily Maw Maw and Paw Paw were there so they took her as I began the tremor that always accompanies one of the falls. I also have learned how to fall so I don't hurt myself like I used to. They call it a controled fall. Some gentlemen were good enough to wait with me until I was under contol then Emily backed the van up and I got in. I didn't feel very much pain but I am now beginning to feel it. I know I mainly fell on the left side and that is where the main part of the pain is. I have a headache which I am sure is coming from the tremors and the ringing in my ears are off the scale right now. But, I am home now and sitting in my chair.

I just want to be able to do things with my girls and not to embarrass them or scare them. It hurts so much that I scare them and that they have to worry about their father when they should be living carefree lives. I'm not sure why I continue to go through all this but I know God has a plan.

Well, I want to end on a good note so let me just say that Cottia's team won the scrimmage 3-0 and she was so happy and proud. Eva continues to grow and her hair is so beautiful.

Tomorrow is counseling day and I am looking forward to it and continuing to get better.

So, once again, I pray God's blessings on you all and that he will pour our his grace on your lives. Have a great evening and again, God bless.

t

Yesterday was Sunday and with Emily being sick it fell to me to take the girls and Jason to Church. It was an awesome service but I did notice the vocal tremors were worse than normal. Not sure what is going on with that. I felt tired but nothing out of the ordinary for me. Then, last night, chest pains started again and the ringing in my ear is really getting bad. But, there seems to be very little to nothing they can do about that. I sometimes feel like it is going to drive me crazy.

Today Emily seems better but still not 100% so please be praying for her. Jason is retaking the ASVAB test and the girls went to school. The chest pains continued for me today but right now they have let up some so I am thinking I just had another angina attack. But, I didn't go to the doctor. I'm just tired of throwing money at something that seems to be benign. If it is not, then I guess we will find out soon enough.

Last night Phantom of the Opera was on ETV. Eva sat with me to listen to some of the music. She really loves good music and I really want to help her develop that. Who knows maybe she will be the one in the family that takes music to the next level.

Well, I'm waiting on the family to get home and I love that time with them. As always, I pray God's blessings on you all and that his grace will flow to you like never before.

t

Well, I have to add some to today's blog. The pain has now started to set in. I am feeling PVC's in my heart and my legs especially the left is in a lot of pain. So, I guess I am going to pay the price for a good day. I'll see how the night goes but right now even my vision is a bit fuzzy. Still, today was a wonderful day and while I may pay a price for it tonight, I am thankful for the day I had. So, this an addition to todays blog and still my hope and prayer is that God will richly bless you all.

t

Well, this is the 400 post! I can't believe it. But, today was the best day I have had in a very long time. I got to go fishing this morning and this time I was able to take both my girls and Jason. Eva was so cute. I had bought her a little pole that has those fake fish and stars and things like that. She was so proud when she threw her line in the water. I bragged on her and said she was the only one that could say she caught something everytime she threw the line in the water.

Troy and Jacob came down and seemed to also have a good time. I caught a really nice bass and just being outside was wonderful. It wore me out but it was worth it. I really enjoyed the fellowship with Troy and his son and my girls and Jason.

We didn't stay all that long because I can only take so much and I was worn out so we came home about noon and I took a long nap. I feel rested but am so glad that I can report that this was a great day for me. I have not had many lately and am glad I had this one.

On another note, Emily is really sick with all the pollen and allergies. I feel so bad for her. She is coughing and her chest is sore from the coughing and I just pray she feels better soon.

Well, that is about it. I'm glad we had this day and hope we have many more like it in the very near future.

So, once again, I pray God's richest blessing on you all and that his grace will fill your lives with love and mercy. Don't forget to go to Church tomorrow and praise his name.

t

The last two days have been really hard. I continue to be dizzy and light headed but I have not had any real chest pain the past two days so I am not sure what is going on. I just want it better. I'm worried about driving and yet I have to from time to time.

Emily is at work and the girls are at school and life is continuing. I just want all this to be over so hopefully when we go to Charleston in 2 weeks we will really begin to heal. I've also noticed that I am feeling weaker and having more headaches.

It is amazing to me that I actually want to go back to work and yet my life just seems to be on hold right now. I can only hope that things are going to get better. I do seem to have good days and bad days it is just that the bad days outweigh the good days. Again, hopefully that will change.

Well, that is about it for today. I'm very tired and feel very weak so I'm going to try to get some rest. I hope and pray God will bless you all in his special way and that you will feel his grace at all times. Have a great day!

t

Last night was pretty rough. I had to take my nitro spray twice and the chest pain was really intense. In fact, I would go so far as to say it was the worst I have had. I have been having a lot of PVC'S lately and I wonder if that has anything to do with it. But, after taking the nitro I got the normal headache which comes with nitro. That is why I hate taking it so much. But, I did finally fall asleep and rested until it was time to get up this morning.

I had physical therapy today. I really enjoy the PT and think it is good for me to get out of the house. But, the therapist said we have hit a wall and there really isn't anything more they can do. He said they all saw how hard I worked and tried but I have reached my potential and maybe I will make more progress with the neuro psychologist in Charleston. I have mixed feelings about it. I will miss going there but it also makes me feel good that they notice just how hard I work. They did say I can come back if necessary after I have been treated in Charleston. There is another good side to this in that gas prices are so high and not having to make the trip twice a week will certainly help on bills.

I'm obviously back home now and they sent me a sheet of paper with exerciese they want me to continue at home so it gives me something to do.

Well, that is about it. I look forward to Emily and the girls getting home and pray God will richly bless each of you in a special way.

t

I haven't blogged in a few days but decided that I needed to today. Today has been a very hard day. The alarm went off so I got Emily up to get ready for work then reset the alarm to get up for the girls but I set it two hours ahead instead of 1. Needless to say we were rushed. But, the biggest problem was how disoriented I was. I was trembling and having some trouble speaking. I almost fell several times but thankfully I didn't. Emily was very insistant that I get on the walker no matter what. I am not sure why but I was exhausted. Emily and the girls left for the day and I was left alone. I was nervous because I wasn't sure what was going on. The ringing in my ears is 10 times worse today and even now I am shaking and feel weak. I did manage a shower but not much more.

When the girls got home Eva and I watched some of Rio while Cottia did her homework. Then, after supper Cottia came and sat on my lap and she and I watched some of Rio as well.

Really that is about it other than I am really having PVC'S and my back is in a lot of pain. I just feel so weak and I don't know why. I hope I'm not getting that virus that has been going around. I guess we will see.

Well, that is about it. I pray God's richest blessing on you all and that he will pour out his mercies on you all. Have a great night!

t

Today was not a good day for me. I'm not sure exactly what happened but it started this morning. I was dizzy and a bit disoriented. I had therapy today but had to stop after doing the bike. The therapist was concerned so I came home. My speech has not been this bad in a long time. I just don't know what happened. So, I came home and got some rest. I didn't have any tremors that I can remember but I called my doctor of speech therapy to see if I had anything to be concerned about. As of now, I have not heard back. I also called my disability specialist just to keep her informed but she also did not call back.

The rest of the day was not bad as I got some rest but I was afraid to take a shower due to the dizziness so I didn't get a bath today.

I went to the rest room and on my way back this evening I fell again. This time I really hurt my left arm. I know I tried to buffered my fall with my arm. I did tremor some after the fall and I am having some pain now in my right knee. My jaw is also hurting a bit and I have been having PVC's most of the day. I'll see how I do tonight and make a decision as to weather to go to the medical center tomorrow.

A lot happened today as there was a wreck involving some very important people that have had a lot of influence in my life over the years and I wonder if that contributed to the fall. I don't know but I think it is a possibility.

Right now, I just want to put today behind me and hope tomorrow will be better. I still trust God and his plan and will continue this journey.

On a brighter note, Cottia got a foul ball tonight in her scrimage but I could not be there. Still, I plan to make her games even if I have to be in a wheel chair.

So, for now, I continue to pray God's richest blessings on you all and that his grace will pour out on you to his glory.

Have a good night,

t

Today was Sunday and time to go to Church. I went to bed last night so that I would feel fully awake this morning but it didn't work. I had to take a shower this morning before we left and that just always takes it out of me. I know I fell asleep this morning but I had hoped I would be alert but I was just too tired.

We went out to lunch after Church but I was not hungry and did not eat. I just felt extra weak and the ringing in my ears is really bad. I just hope I am not getting something.

I ended up spending most of the afternoon in the bed. We always take a Sunday afternoon nap but I don't normally spend this much time sleeping but I was just so exhausted and I am thankful to Emily for allowing me to sleep.

But, when I woke up it was nice to see the girls playing. Man did they have a mess but they did clean up and the evening ended up with Cottia giving us a fashion show. I love them so much. Last night Cottia told me that she liked me more when I was not trying to lose weight. I have to agree with her. I think I would rather be fat and happy than in the shape I am in now.

So, it is another Sunday evening and we are preparing for another week. I pray God's blessings on you all and that his peace will be with you all.

t

Today was rainy so there really wasn't much to do. I got up with the girls and got them something to eat. I always allow Emily to sleep in when possible so today was no different. The girls got dressed and I went back to bed about 10. Emily and the girls went to the movies. It was a great time for them to take in a movie and spend some time together. When I got up I decided I would do some things around the house. I was able to get a few things done before I started trembling and the weakness just made me have to sit down. Emily and the girls got home and I was really done for the day. But, I did manage to get my cloths put away and then I have spent the rest of the evening resting. My chest is hurting and the ringing in my ears is the worse it has been in a long time.

Well, tomorrow is Church and I am preparing my heart for worship. But, I know how tired I will be. Still, I want to be in God's house and to worship him as best I can.

All in all today was not a bad day but I just feel so weak and tired. My legs hurt and my ears are ringing and yet I go on by the grace of God.

I do want to note that tonight I had a really nice time holding my daughter Cottia who came down in my den area and curled up with me. One thing she said that really stuck with me is she liked me a lot more when I was not trying to lose weight. I think I agree with her. I certainly was happier and healthier than I am now so she is right.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful night and pray God's blessing on each of you and that his mercies will pour out on you all.

t

Today started out with a morning storm and getting the girls out and going for their day. I was sore from the fall last night and have had tremors off and on all day. I have also felt extra weak but I got through and another day is behind me.

I really don't have a lot to post but I do want to share about our evening with the girls. Cottia and Eva decided they wanted to play school with mommy and daddy. So, Cottia asked a question. I believe it was what is a reptile. Emily answered. Cottia quickly reminded her that she had to raise her hands. Well, lesson learned!! What a girl I have! As for Eva she wanted to sing Oh How I love Jesus and she really loves that great old hymn. I hope we are laying a sound foundation for both girls. Our prayer time is really becoming a part of our lives nightly and their prayers are just precious. Thank you Father for both my girls.

They keep me going and I could not be more proud of them and the young ladies they are becoming. As always, I pray God's richest blessings on you all and that his rich love with bless your life. Have a great evening.

t

I got my appointment with the follow up at MUSC today. We went round and round about it but it is scheduled for March 20th at 8am. The biggest problem we will have is getting down there. Emily can't go that day due to a school conflict and so I've asked my mom and her husband to take me but she has such health issues of her own. I may have to see if they have another date available so Emily can go. Either way the doctor only sees new patients at 8am. All other appointments can be later in the day so I would only have to do this one time. I am leaning towards seeing what is the next day available after the 20th so Emily can go with me. We would leave the night before hopefully and get to spend the night in Charleston which is something I would love to do with her. We will discuss this further and make a decision.

Right now, I am waiting for Emily and the girls to get home. The girls have Awanas tonight but the weather is beginning to look bad. Still having the girls go to Awanas is very important and they are learning a lot so we will see how the evening progresses.

Well, once again I am tired and have had some PVC's today but it is not too bad. I am looking forward to seeing my girls and having a great evening with them.

So, as always, I pray God's richest blessings on you all and that you will receive a wonderful evening in his name.

t

One thing I needed to add to today was I was holding a glass of milk when a tremor started. Luckily I didn't spill the milk like I did the coffee before. It just came out of the blue, but I think it had a lot to do with how tired I was. Also, I have tremors when I am asleep and from what I understand essential tremors happen when one is asleep. So, we press on. Below is the Mayo Clinics definition of essential tremors. So, it looks like I am in this for a while. Again, I pray God's blessings on you all.

t

DefinitionBy Mayo Clinic staff Essential tremor is a disorder of the nervous system that causes a rhythmic shaking. Essential tremor can affect almost any part of your body, but the trembling occurs most often in your hands — especially when you try to do simple tasks, such as drinking from a glass, tying shoelaces, writing or shaving. Essential tremor also may affect your head, voice, arms or legs. Although usually not a dangerous condition, essential tremor worsens over time and can be severe in some people. It isn't caused by other diseases, although it's sometimes confused with Parkinson's disease. Essential tremor can occur at any age but is most common in older adults.

Today was Physical Therapy day and the head therapist did an evaluation of me. That is something they are required to do anyway so it isn't anything unusual. I was tired before I got there and had been having some chest pain but I did the best I could. I was not able to complete every exercise. But, I did most. I asked him if he thought we could go to once a week mainly because I am concerned about gas prices right now. But, he felt we needed to stay with twice a week. He also told me they have a neuropsychiatrist on staff at HealthSouth so I called MUSC to see if they think I can seek treatment with him or if they just feel I need to continue only at MUSC. I am waiting to hear back and I don't know how long of a wait I would have to get with the man here. It may be faster in Charleston. I will just have to wait and see how it all works out.

Right now I am having a little shortness of breath and chest pain but it isn't anything new so I will just let it pass.

Homelife is still going on as usual. Cottia had softball practice, Emily had to get her shot and Eva and I enjoyed some daddy/daughter time. They keep me going and give me reason to fight and fight hard.

Well, that is about it. Nothing really new. Tomorrow is counseling day but I will have to keep an eye on the weather. I am not comfortable with driving in the rain over long distances. So, we will have to see how that all works out.

So, as always, I pray God's richest blessings on you all and wish you a wonderful evening and that his face will shine on you all.

t

Today was Monday and kind of quiet. I did feel extra weak Today and yesterday. But, I enjoyed my day.

When the girls got home it was the usual set pattern. Homework, baths, and some snuggle time then off to bed. My youngest wants to watch Tangled every night and she crawls up in my lap and we watch some of the movie before she begins to feel tired so it is off to bed.

Tomorrow is physical therapy day so I know I will be extra tired. But, I am ready to get back in the routine.

Well, that really is about it. I'm waiting to hear from MUSC regarding the behavioral science program and in the mean time, I will continue with my counseling and therapy. I feel less stressed right now but I did have some tremors today. They were not too bad but they just take so much out of me. The chest pains also continue but they are less intense today than yesterday.

I think Emily had a pretty good day and I am glad. She already has so much stress on her and I just want her to be able to relax as much as she can.

I pray God's blessings on each of you and that his mercy will be with you at all times.

t

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had the girls the whole day so we went to the indoor playground at the Burger King in Red Bank. They had a blast. We picked up Jason before hand and he really helps me out. Then, we had to go to Walmart. The girls enjoy riding on the cart with me and usually I don't have any problems. But, the tremors started and were pretty bad, so we left and came on home. Eva took a nap while Cottia went next door and played with the neighbors kid. I also took a nap and was exhausted. My best friend Bill came down last night and we watched some videos on youtube and the movie Star Trek. I really enjoy the newest version and hope they make more with the new cast.

I woke at about 2am once again having really bad chest pains. I tried to ride it out but it was just too much so I got up took my nitro spray and an aspirin. The pain began to subside which they tell me means it is my heart. I was able to go back to sleep but nitro always gives a really bad headache. So, I decided to stay home from Church which I don't like to do. I had to take the stray again this morning and am still having a burning sensation in my chest but it is getting better. I am very tired obviously so I plan to go back to bed pretty soon.

Well, that is about it. If the chest pains continue then I will call the cardiologist again even though all the tests look fine. Something is going on I just don't know what it is.

I pray God will richly bless you all and that you have a wonderful Sunday and time of worship. My love to all that read this and I hope you receive a blessing in some way today.

Today was counseling day and I always look forward to that. It is very important in my recovery process. I had a good session and look forward to the next.

Right now I am having chest pains again very intense a little on the left side and kind of in my arm pit but they always tell me there is nothing wrong so I will just let it go and pass by. I have broken into a bit of a sweat but again they always seem to pass.

Now for some other news. tonight Cottia said to me "daddy, you and mamma are the best parents. I love you both so much and Eva and I are lucky to have you as parents. I looked at her and said no, mamma and I are lucky to have you and Eva as our daughters. I guess you could say we had a "Waltons" moment. but, it was another of those moments that only happens when you actually take time with your kids and they realize they are loved. I am beyond blessed to have these two remarkable young ladies in my life.

Well, that is about it for today. I'm tired and I feel the pressure letting up. Well, time goes on and so does life. I pray God's richest blessings on each of you and that he will give you all peace.

t

Today was the day we saw the movement specialist in Charleston at MUSC. I went into this hoping for a different answer than I got but he explained it in a way that really set me at ease. First and foremost, I do not have Parkinson's. That is good news. But, I do have conversion disorder and possible, what he called essential tremors. We won't know for sure until I have dealt with the conversion disorder. Basically what it is, is a condition where the brain is reacting to stress or other trauma which causes the body to tremor or fall or sometimes even causes hearing loss or blindness among other problems. The doctor is going to try to get me into the behavioral science program at MUSC and said I need to continue to work with my current counselor and if the physical therapy is helping then I should continue with that. So, I now have a better understanding of exactly what I am dealing with and I have a more aggressive approach to treatment. I have to admit that while it is not easy to hear your brain is not working as it should it is also not a condition to be ashamed of and it can get better where as Parkinson's does not.

So, that is about it. It was a beautiful day to be in Charleston and Emily and I took some time to ride over the inlet and watched some dolphins swimming. We had some time alone and then came back home. She got the opportunity to read and I rested. We don't get a lot of days like that so it was really nice just to be close to her.

My girls came home and we are all settled into the house for the night. I meet with my counselor tomorrow and we will discuss today's visit. The PVC's continue even tonight they are occuring about every few minutes. But, not back to back. There is a break between them.

So, life moves on. I'll continue to work at recovery and what has caused this and trust God and his plan for my life and all the time being the husband and father all the women in my life deserve.

I pray God's richest blessings on you all and that you will feel his presence in your life.

t

Today is Saturday and I got to spend most of the afternoon with my daughters. I needed a new cell phone so I got that first then Emily needed to do some grocery shopping. She had taken the girls with her to get some shoes and I was able to get the phone for free and keep the same plan which works well for us.

I met Emily at the Burger King in Red Bank and got the girls. They have an indoor playground so the girls could play and all I had to do was sit there and enjoy them having fun. We came home took baths, ate supper and then I put Eva to bed. Cottia is getting ready to go to bed now.

But, I have been feeling weaker lately and the PVCs in the heart have been more prevalent. I needed to make a decision on what we were going to do about our satelite service so I called about the deal with Dish. I was able to get several dollars off our bill and get all their movie channels free for three months. That was a great deal IMO. So, I was excited and got up to go tell Emily. Cottia was in the kitchen and I fell right in front of her. We have learned to make lite of it in front of the girls so they don't get too upset. Cottia was fine. I hurt my right hand, right knee and am having pressure in my chest again. But, I believe it will pass. Right now, I am back in my chair and am trying to calm down. It is frustrating and scary but the appointment with MUSC is this Wednesday and I really hope I get some answers.

So, that is about it. I am talking better but feeling weaker and more tired as time goes on yet nothing shows up in the tests so conversion disorder remains the diagnosis. I just keep pressing on.

Once again, I pray God's blessings and mercy on each of you. May his grace be with you all and give you peace. No matter what I live through he is always there and I feel his presence. His mercies are new every day.

Take care and I'll continue to blog as best I can.

t

Today's post will be short but sweet. Not much new on my health. I did have another spell with a PVC today and afterward had some weakness but no chest pain and it did pass. I did get a little dizzy but it also passed.

But, today I want to concentrate on something else.

Yesterday, Cottia misplaced her book fair money and it really worried her so I decided as the man of the house that we needed to pray for her to find the money and be able to get her books at the fair. So, Emily, Cottia and I prayed for her to find the money. Well, today a woman at the Church found the money and Cottia was able to buy her books! The interesting thing is we had looked and so had her teacher and yet the money was not found yesterday but after we prayed it was found. If you don't believe in the power of prayer then this is an example of it. So, tonight I made a point of praying with my daughter to give thanks for finding the money and allowing her to get her books. I did explain to her that there will be times when God may not answer her prayer the way she wants. But, this time he did. Now for the topper, she also got a perfect 7 for 7 on her spelling test!! I am so proud of her.

I also want to say something about my Eva. We got to spend a little time together tonight and once again she just sat in my lap and we watched Tangled. I think I have the movie memorized but it is worth watching it a thousand times to have that blonde hair lay on my chest. Then, she always tells me she is ready to go to bed. I can't bend over the crib to kiss her so we have a tradition of blowing kisses to each other as I leave the room. Very special memories.

Well, that is about it. I got the call today confirming my appointment at MUSC today for next Wednesday at 11am. I'm ready to go. I pray God will bless you all and remember prayers are answered. Have a great night and keep your eyes on God's eyes be on you.

t

Today was another pretty quiet way. I got up and got the girls going but I was kind of disoriented and dizzy. I did not feel it was safe to take the girls to school or maw maw's so Emily had to do that. I felt completely helpless. I spent most of the day doing nothing. I did take a nap and when I woke up I felt better. Still a bit dizzy but it is not as bad as it was this morning.

Well, that is about it. The girls are at Awana's and hopefully they are having fun. It is crazy hat night and they looked so cute in their little hats.

I hope everyone has a great night and may God richly bless you.

t

Today was pretty quiet. I was very tired from the nuclear test but I did manage to get my wife some flowers and cupcakes for Valentine's day. I wanted to try to do somethings but even washing dishes or fixing breakfast really took it out of me. So, this was one of those days where I didn't do any of my exercises but really just watched TV and rested. I did have a few chest pains but certainly nothing like what I had Sunday and my heart did skip a beat at least twice but again it straightened out. I also had some tremors but once again nothing I could not handle. The biggest thing today was just how tired I was. I cancelled my therapy and counseling this week so I can just take the week and rest. I am able to do my normal things I do with my girls but that is about it.

I want to talk a little about my wife and what she means to me. She does so much and has really been through a lot of stress over the last two years. It is hard to get up and going knowing your spouse is disabled. I know she works hard and gives everything she does her very best. But, I also worry that she will overdo it. I just love her so and am greatful for he and all she does for our family.

Now, I want to talk a little about my girls. They both stole my heart the day they were born. They are such pretty little girls and have already seen so much with their dad. I don't know God's plan for their lives and how this chapter will fit in later but I pray they will both marry healthy and Godly men. The only problem I have is how fast they are growing up.

So, that is about it for today. I hope everyone had a great Valentine's day and I pray God's richest blessings on you all and if you are married on your marriage.

Have a great evening and once again God bless.

t

Well, it has certainly has been an interesting couple of days. Emily left Friday to go to Myrtle Beach for the BETA Club convention. She has to go and I was left with the girls. I knew I would need some help so once again Jason came through. He washed dishes, fed the dogs and brought up wood for the wood box. He truly is a part of the family.

Sunday morning I woke to a very intense chest pain and I was sweating. My first thought was angina so I got up took my medicine and got the girls ready for Church. Jason watched them for me while I took my shower. The pain in the chest changed to more of the elephant on the chest and I felt like there was someone sticking me in the left arm. Like when you get a shot. That really began to scare me. I knew I needed to get the girls to the Church where they would be looked after and I could get help. I didn't want to panic anyone but the pressure was very intense. So, we got to the Church and I told Jason he needed to go get two adults. One to get the girls and one to come check on me. There is a lady at our Church that used to work in a doctors office and can take blood pressure and pulse. She said my pulse was 150 but she didn't have a blood pressure cup so she was not able to check that. The Pastor prayed with me then got in the truck with me. By this time, I was crying and really concerned about my girls but luckily Maw Maw drove up and went in to take care of them.

So, they called 911 and soon the ambulance was there. By this time the tremors had set in and I was coughing a very deep rough cough. As they loaded me into the ambulance they took my Blood Pressure. I don't remember what the top number was but the bottom number was 104 so it was high. I also don't remember what my heart rate was at that time. They gave me nitro tablets and took me on to the hospital. By this time my blood pressure had come down and they said the nitro would do that and they drew blood and did a chest x-ray. They said everything looked normal but felt I needed to stay overnight. So, I spent the night in the observation room and everything seemed pretty normal but they wanted to do a nuclear stress test. The only problem with that is I can't walk on a treadmill due to the risk of a fall. So, they have a new way of doing these types of tests where they inject a chemical that widens the vessells and makes the heart work like it is under stress. It was very uncomfortable and I will admit that I hope I never have to go through that again. I was exhausted and really felt a lot of pain.

So, they moved me back to my room on the bed instead of trying to put me in a wheel chair. When we got to the room, I got off the bed to move to my room bed and slipped and fell on the floor. It really hurt my back and even now I am in a lot of pain in the back but the chest pain has gone away. I just hope it stays away.

The doctor said he wanted to confer with my cardiologist before discharging me so they called and the doctor on call came by to see me. He said that given that I had had a heart cath 6 years ago when I had the heart attack and it showed some plaque build up and some calcium build up that he felt I could go home since the nuclear test was ok. I was fully prepared to have another cath if it was necessary but I am happy to report that I am home and just very tired and drained.

They are not sure what happened but said to keep an eye on myself and the chest pains. Being home is probably the best medicine I could have. I am thankful for all those that worked so hard on me and the hospital for giving me the best of care. I feel comfortable that I did not have a heart attack but I do wonder if angina was involved but it really does not matter. What matters is that it has settled down and while I still had tremors through the day Sunday and this morning I feel calm now and am resting in my chair.

My heart just broke for my oldest daughter because she is old enough to understand there is something going on. But, I do know that God has a reason for all of this and I just have to get through it and my girls will be able to use this experience to help others and can speak from experience not just a text book.

So, once again, another rough time but God is faithful and I know he will see us through. It is my prayer that he blesses all who read this and give them peace.

Yesterday was counseling day. As you know I fell there the last time I was there and the paramedics cut my favorite Gamecock wind breaker got be sure I had not busted my elbow. Well, the office staff and group at the counseling bought me a brand new Gamecock full winter coat. It is beautiful and it meant so much to me. I tried it on and it was a bit of a tight fit but that just motivates me to lose a few more pounds. It won't talk much and I can wear the jacket now but I just want it to look a little loser. I cannot say how much that meant to me and how it touched my heart. The counseling session went well but I did figure out that there is still a lot of things that I have to work on dealing with. I won't get into specifics here but I still have a long ways to go. I really love my counselor and the way she treats me with respect and dignity. And the fact that she is a Christian makes it all the better.

Today, I had therapy. It went well but I felt weaker than usual. I have been feeling a bit weaker lately and I am not sure why. But, I made myself get through it and he took my blood pressure and it remains good. There was about an 8 point difference between the left and right arm but they say when it gets to 15 points or more then that is when you really have to be worried. It is still something we will have to keep an eye on but the pressure was overall pretty good.

I can't explain just how tired I am right now. I'm glad to be home and I am in some pain mainly in the legs but I plan to lay down and try to get some rest.

On another note, I have really redicated myself to praying with my wife. It was my great job to join with her last night in prayer about our children, our family, my health, Jason and other things. I feel it draws us closer as a couple and will surely set a good example for our kids.

Well, that is about it for today. I'm pretty tired so I'm going to get some rest but I pray God's richest blessings on each of you and that his grace will reach out and touch you in a special way this day. Have a great day everyone and God bless,

t

Wow, it is hard to believe but I am closing in on my 400th post. I don't even know for sure how many people still read these or even care. But, it is good therapy for me. It has certainly been a long ride. This blog first started out about my weight loss. Well, I'm pleased to say that I have lost weight. At one time it was 120lbs. I'm not sure where it is now but I think I put some back on and have started taking it back off again. My cloths fit about the same but I can't really stand on a scale to be properly weighed so my exact weight remains a mystery. I enjoy food but it does not consume me. I have a pretty good breakfast. I still have a problem when it comes to sweets to I try to limit those but ice cream remains my biggest obstacle. So, I buy the sugar free kind and have some pretty much every night. I also really enjoy a glass of milk at the end of the day right before bed.
I have certainly lived through a lot over the past two years. Surgeries, weight loss, infections. a disorder that seems to be a mystery, falls that thankfully have led to sprains and a lot of bruising and some bleeding but no broken bones. The falls continue and even tonight I nearly fell down the stairs but I was able to lean against the wall and grab the wall before I went all the way down. I still struggle with the tremors but I seem to be gaining some control over them. I can't prevent them but I seem to be able to shorten them. I lost the ability to speak for a while but now am able to carry on a pretty good conversation even if the fluency is still an issue. Stress is definently an issue as I worry and have a hard time putting things in God's hands as I should. I have had to face some demons that I thought I had burried but through counseling and love I have begun the process of dealing with these past events.
I have had to deal with the frustrations of doctors telling me that I am not faking but it is all in my head while at the same time dealing with people in the psychiatric community telling me there is something physical as well as some of the doctors.
I have tried to continue to be the best father and husband I can be but I know that is an area I can improve in.
I have had to deal with someone accusing me of withholding the truth which is simply not the truth. I have had to find a way to forgive this man and that was not easy.
I have had to deal with bitterness about the situation and my job and yet I am still here.
I have even had to deal with the emotion that my wife and children would be better off without me and that death would be better than what I am going through.
Then, I look at stories of others and am ashamed of myself for ever feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know about my job future and where it will go or even if I will ever be able to work again but one thing I have learned is to trust more in God. To trust his direction. He has brought some awesome people in my life. All the staff at the hospitals. The staff at the rehab hospital. My counselor. Jason, the young man that is like a son to me and my pastor who continue to love me and pray for me and always believe in me even when I am at my worst.
My wife and children including Jason make me feel worthy but God is my backbone and his grace will see us through. Life is short and sometimes can be cruel and seem like it is not worth going on but having those around you that love and push you make it all worth while.
So, tonight, I just want to say thank you to everyone that reads this even if it is someone reading it to get something on me. I pray for you all and ask God's richest blessings on you. I've learned not to be bitter and to just allow life to play itself out. God's plan is perfect but we are not. Learning how to fit into his plan and to follow it is what the life of a Christian should be all about. So good night and again may God bless you all as he sees fit.

t

Today is Super bowl Sunday and I am here at the house alone. Emily and the girls went to a super bowl party but I decided to stay at home. There really are two reasons I didn't want to go first and foremost was I felt Emily would have enough to worry about with the girls and second I just didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Plus, I really don't care about the super bowl. The food would be great but the game itself is just not something I care very much about. So, this way she has less to worry about and hopefully can have some fun.
Last night was certainly interesting. Emily had the pageant at the school so she was not here. Thankfully Jason was over here so I was not alone. The girls were asleep and I had to go to the restroom so I got up the stairs to get my walker when I noticed a fire in the field behind our house. I got Jason to go warn the neighbors and I called 911. My mind was racing in all kinds of directions. If the fire was coming our way it would not matter, I would find a way to get those girls out of the house and to safety and then there were the dogs. Luckily it was a neighbor down the road doing a controlled burn but I just wish he had given me some kind of warning. My heart was racing and I was having tremors that were really bad and the worry about what would happen to our house was just not good. But, the fire trucks arrived and took care of things and I was finally able to calm down after I had taken my medicine. But, I know what it feels like to realize you would die before allowing your children to die. I would have found a way.
Emily did a great job with the pageant and has gotten a lot of compliments and I know she is glad to have it behind her.
We did go to church today and I have noticed my feet are really hurting so I'm not sure if I stepped on something or if it was just that I was on my feet too long last night.
I was exhausted today and slept most of the day but I also had a hard time winding down from the fire so I probably did not rest very well last night after the fire.
Well, that is about it. God is still in control and I continue to work to get better and also continue to pray for God's wisdom. I also pray that each of you that read this will be richly blessed by his grace and have a wonderful week.

t

Today is Tuesday and it has been the day of falls. I had therapy this morning and on the way out of the rehab hospital I started to tremble and then fell. I didn't really feel any pain but more frustration than anything else. So, I came home and took my pain medicine and as I was coming in the front door I feel again. So, I am in a lot of pain right now and could not really sleep so I am really tired. But, I will get through it. I will admit to being a bit discouraged and am ready to find out what is causing these falls. One fear I have is breaking the lap band but the tremors are also associated with the falls. They either occur after the fall or before and of course there are plenty of times when I just tremor and don't fall. So, that is about it for right now. I'm tired so I'm not going to make this blog very long. I continue to pray that each of you who reads this is blessed by our God in heaven and that your lives are rich and full of his grace. Take care and have a great evening.

t

Today is Sunday and what a great day of worship and freedom it has been. I actually felt stronger. But, I was also able to take a good nap. I do feel like I am catching a cold and both girls and Emily have one so it was only a matter of time before I would get the cold.
We have been doing 40 days of prayer at our church and I do feel the power of the spirit moving. God is so good..
Our family is dealing with the stroke of my last uncle on my mother's side. He had the stroke this past week and it is massive on the left side. It has affected his speech and he is in a lot of pain. I did also get an update that he is weaker today but we are still hopeful. It is very emotional for me not just because he is my uncle but he also build the house we are living in. I have always said he built this house for us! We ask for your prayers.
Now, for an Eva story. Yesterday, I was listening to some amazing music and one of the singers was a finalist on America's got Talent. She sang Ava Maria and it was just perfect. Eva does not sit still for anything but she was totally still for this and she looked at me and said "She is an angel." Eva then began to sing and I realized that Eva may have a talent I was not aware of. I have never believed in pushing my children towards anything. I want them to discover what they love and what they want to persue. But, I have to wonder if Eva will discover a love of music. It was a special time for me and my little girl.
Now for a Cottia story. Well, today my little girl actually got a ring from her "boyfriend." It was cute but I will admit that old daddy's heart skipped a bit. She is growing up and ther is nothing I can do about it. I still miss those days when I had to get up with her in the middle of the night for bottle feedings and just holding her and loving every minute of it and now those days are gone but not forgotten. I took pictures of Cottia and her ring and when we got in the sanctuary Hunter and Cottia posed for a picture with her little ring. Hunter's family is wonderful and we all like each other. But, the most important thing to me is that Hunter is growing up in the Church and that is so important to me. I'm not saying Hunter is the one but I am saying I am happy if life brings my oldest daughter a man in her life that is already in Church and not one she has to invite to church. That is so important to me. Well, on the way home we were talking and Cottia said Hunter kissed her THREE times today!! I said "He is so in love with you." Her response....."Tell me about it!" I lost it. But, it was another of those moments I won't forget and will treasure in my heart for the rest of my life.
Jason is spending the weekend with us and we always enjoy having him. He and Cottia played kick ball and soccer today while I rested and Eva slept. He truly is like a big brother and I know he loves my girls and our family and frankly I don't know what we would do without him sometimes. I depend on him for so much. He took care of the dogs today and brought up wood for the wood box. But, in return he does get foot and our everlasting love and appreciation.
Now, for a weight update. I am not really able to stay on the scales long enough to get an accurate weight but either my cloths have gotten bigger or I have lost some more weight. So, I choose to believe that I am losing somemore weight. My legs seem to stay cold now especially the left one. There is pain in the calf but mostly cold. But, that is from the PVD so it is just a fact of my life. We continue to move on and I do feel my speech is getting better and I am making progress but I still have a ways to go.
Finally and as always, I pray God's richest blessings on each and everyone of you and that he will pour out his rich blessings on you all. Have a great one!!

t

I'm not going to blog much today because it is late and I am tired. But, I did want to write down that I fell down the stairs this morning. I was a bit light headed for a good part of the day but I did manage to try to sing some and I sang for my wife and kids tonight. I had some vocal tremors and it wasn't perfect by anymeans but it was a start and I really want to sing again. It is amazing how one who has fluency issues or stutters can still sing. But, it is also important to me because it has always been such a big part of who I am. It went well for my little audiance. I also got a call from disability. I had called them twice to let them know about the falls but they had not returned my calls so I sent an emai just to be sure. I just want to be up front about my situation.
The only other thing is I am still struggling with incontinence. It hit tonight again. I do what the doctor says and I still have hard stools but if there is ever a lose one I have very little control over it. So, I am resigned that it will probably be a part of my life for the rest of my life unless God just decides to interceed. I will probably call the doctor again just to make sure there is nothing else they can do. Well, that is about it. I hope you all have a great day and pray God blesses you in a special way. He sure did me today by simply allowing me to sing even if it was a short song and even though I was hoarse after. I still did it and refuse to give up. Thanks again and good night.

t

Today was a very good day for me. The lady that keeps the girls had to have to day off due to surgery for her husband. I am happy to report that all went well and he is doing well. Also, we had another friend who had cancer surgery and he is also doing well. So, I was responsible for the girls. Eva was so cute this morning before I took her to school. I am fortunent enough to have some special people that have given me their phone numbers so they come out and get Eva and bring her out for me so I don't have to get out of the truck. So, after feeding her oatmeal for breakfast we sat down and watched some educational TV before taking her to school at the Church. Then, I went to counseling and one thing I have noticed and my counselor has noticed and even my speech therapist noticed is that I don't breath! It is like I start and just cant stop enough to even take a breath. I guess I have so much to get out that I forget to breath. Maybe that is what is causing the falls. Who knows. Anyway, the session went well and then I came back to the church to get Eva then we went through the drive through at Subway to get lunch and came home. We watched somemore educational TV then it was time to go get Cottia. I was already worn out but we brought Cottia home where she did her homework and had some pizza to eat. I put Eva down for a nap and left Cottia to watch TV while I laid down to take a nap. I did get some rest and then it was time for the girls to go to Awana's. Emily always takes them and they seem to have had a fun time. So, I learned today that I am still very weak and get tired at the least thing. I also learned how much it means to say the right thing to my girls. This morning I told Eva just how beautiful she was. Her response was I KNOW!! It was one of those moments when you laugh but you also treasure for the rest of your life. I also have to learn how to breath and I am still prone to falls. I got dizzy this evening but I made it and am glad I had this day with my girls. They are also so special in how they worry about me and that I may fall. So, that was the day. My right foot is in a lot of pain and the bruising is worse. The knee ligament strain also hurts but the left leg is also weak but stable. I am just ready to go to Charleston and hopefully get some answers. In the mean time I am just going to trust God and do the best that I can. The other thing I know is that I will continue to fight for each day with all I have and hope that the day will come soon when I am back to full strength and the laugh that so many people have said they miss will be back. As I always do I end this blog wishing you all the very best and pray God's blessings on you all. Have a great day tomorrow and evening tonight.

t

Today is Monday and I started the day as normal. Got up and got the girls going. Cottia was a little slow compared to how she usually is but I think she was just tired from a busy weekend and I know how much she worries about me. As the morning went on I noticed some swelling in my right knee and the pain was beginning to increase. But, I needed to pick Eva up from pre-school so I went and got her. The teacher was good enough to bring her out so I didn't have to get out of the truck. We were meeting Ms June for lunch to see if she thought she could fix my Carolina Blazer from where it was torn when I fell Wednesday. Ms. June did feel she could fix it and Maw Maw called so I took Eva over to their house. I will admit that I was worried that I might fall with her alone and that would not be good. So, I went on to the urgent care and they took a look at my knee and I have a strained or torn ligament in my right knee. There is some swelling under the knee cap and it will just have to heal. So, another day another story. I am home and waiting on my wife and girls to get home. One thing I am learning is how to work through the pain. I have decided to go to therapy tomorrow no matter what and just work through the pain. The doctor did say I could go to therapy so that is good.
Well, that is about it. I'm sure there will be stories of the evening once the girls get home. Eva is so cute. She holds onto my walker and walks in front of me she says to make sure I don't fall. Cottia just holds my hand and loves on me. She actually has become a pretty good back rubber! Once again, I pray God will richly bless each of you and pour his grace out on you.

t

It has certainly been an interesting week. This is the first time that I remember falling twice. Once was Wednesday when I went to counseling. I know what happened in that case and there was no real damage. I did go to the urgent care but just some pain and soreness was all I suffered. I did have some tremors and they continue to disturb me as to exactly why and what causes them.
Then, today after Church, on the way out I fell down the handicapped ramp. I've been down that ramp many times and have had no trouble so I am not sure why it happened. At first I didn't think I had hurt myself very badly. But, my body feels pain later than normal. Right now, I am in a lot of pain. My chest really hurts and I do have some scrapes on the left elbow. I also have a headache but I think that is because of the tremors. They were far worse today than Wednesday. But, I also think that was because so many people saw the fall and that the sermon really touched me. I know I hold bitterness about certain issues that I have to let go of and to forgive which is usually not a problem for me but right now they are. So, I have to find a way to just let all of this go and who knows but maybe it will help towards healing and wholeness. I was helped by some tremendous people who got me in a chair and put blankets over me to keep me warm and even followed us home to make sure I got in until I could settle down. I was exhausted but I can only imagine how Emily and my girls must have felt. I know Eva was crying but she was also very caring and concerned. Cottia was her usual stalwart self and helped with my walker and both my girls have already seen too much for children their ages. My wife was also a rock and made sure I was comfortable. Right now it is the evening and my wrists hurt from where I tried to stop the fall but I don't think anything is broken. Probably some sprains but no breaks. So, another week but this time a little more dramatic.
Now, some fun stuff. Thursday morning Eva was harder than usual to get up. I think it was because she got to bed later than she is used too on Wednesday due to Awana's at the Church. So, when it got close to her bed time she grabbed my little finger and led me down the hall and said Daddy, I have to go to bed. I need my rest! I laughed but gladly put her in her crib. She knows to crawl up the side and I just help her get over. Then, I cover her up and we blow kisses. I must admit, she slept like a log. Friday, Cottia told me she needed an IPAD. I would not have any idea how to use one but she said she needed one so she could text her boyfriend about their dates!! But, at least she said she would need it when she was 18! My girls bring such great joy to my life that the fall are nothing compared to the joy they bring. My wife is a tower of strength and hope despite it all. She keeps going and I could do nothing without her.
Well, that is about it. Some laughter and some despair. But, that is life. It is as it always is my hope and prayer that God will richly bless your life each and every day with his rich mercy and grace.

t