I got my appointment with the follow up at MUSC today. We went round and round about it but it is scheduled for March 20th at 8am. The biggest problem we will have is getting down there. Emily can't go that day due to a school conflict and so I've asked my mom and her husband to take me but she has such health issues of her own. I may have to see if they have another date available so Emily can go. Either way the doctor only sees new patients at 8am. All other appointments can be later in the day so I would only have to do this one time. I am leaning towards seeing what is the next day available after the 20th so Emily can go with me. We would leave the night before hopefully and get to spend the night in Charleston which is something I would love to do with her. We will discuss this further and make a decision.

Right now, I am waiting for Emily and the girls to get home. The girls have Awanas tonight but the weather is beginning to look bad. Still having the girls go to Awanas is very important and they are learning a lot so we will see how the evening progresses.

Well, once again I am tired and have had some PVC's today but it is not too bad. I am looking forward to seeing my girls and having a great evening with them.

So, as always, I pray God's richest blessings on you all and that you will receive a wonderful evening in his name.

t

One thing I needed to add to today was I was holding a glass of milk when a tremor started. Luckily I didn't spill the milk like I did the coffee before. It just came out of the blue, but I think it had a lot to do with how tired I was. Also, I have tremors when I am asleep and from what I understand essential tremors happen when one is asleep. So, we press on. Below is the Mayo Clinics definition of essential tremors. So, it looks like I am in this for a while. Again, I pray God's blessings on you all.

t

DefinitionBy Mayo Clinic staff Essential tremor is a disorder of the nervous system that causes a rhythmic shaking. Essential tremor can affect almost any part of your body, but the trembling occurs most often in your hands — especially when you try to do simple tasks, such as drinking from a glass, tying shoelaces, writing or shaving. Essential tremor also may affect your head, voice, arms or legs. Although usually not a dangerous condition, essential tremor worsens over time and can be severe in some people. It isn't caused by other diseases, although it's sometimes confused with Parkinson's disease. Essential tremor can occur at any age but is most common in older adults.

Today was Physical Therapy day and the head therapist did an evaluation of me. That is something they are required to do anyway so it isn't anything unusual. I was tired before I got there and had been having some chest pain but I did the best I could. I was not able to complete every exercise. But, I did most. I asked him if he thought we could go to once a week mainly because I am concerned about gas prices right now. But, he felt we needed to stay with twice a week. He also told me they have a neuropsychiatrist on staff at HealthSouth so I called MUSC to see if they think I can seek treatment with him or if they just feel I need to continue only at MUSC. I am waiting to hear back and I don't know how long of a wait I would have to get with the man here. It may be faster in Charleston. I will just have to wait and see how it all works out.

Right now I am having a little shortness of breath and chest pain but it isn't anything new so I will just let it pass.

Homelife is still going on as usual. Cottia had softball practice, Emily had to get her shot and Eva and I enjoyed some daddy/daughter time. They keep me going and give me reason to fight and fight hard.

Well, that is about it. Nothing really new. Tomorrow is counseling day but I will have to keep an eye on the weather. I am not comfortable with driving in the rain over long distances. So, we will have to see how that all works out.

So, as always, I pray God's richest blessings on you all and wish you a wonderful evening and that his face will shine on you all.

t

Today was Monday and kind of quiet. I did feel extra weak Today and yesterday. But, I enjoyed my day.

When the girls got home it was the usual set pattern. Homework, baths, and some snuggle time then off to bed. My youngest wants to watch Tangled every night and she crawls up in my lap and we watch some of the movie before she begins to feel tired so it is off to bed.

Tomorrow is physical therapy day so I know I will be extra tired. But, I am ready to get back in the routine.

Well, that really is about it. I'm waiting to hear from MUSC regarding the behavioral science program and in the mean time, I will continue with my counseling and therapy. I feel less stressed right now but I did have some tremors today. They were not too bad but they just take so much out of me. The chest pains also continue but they are less intense today than yesterday.

I think Emily had a pretty good day and I am glad. She already has so much stress on her and I just want her to be able to relax as much as she can.

I pray God's blessings on each of you and that his mercy will be with you at all times.

t

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had the girls the whole day so we went to the indoor playground at the Burger King in Red Bank. They had a blast. We picked up Jason before hand and he really helps me out. Then, we had to go to Walmart. The girls enjoy riding on the cart with me and usually I don't have any problems. But, the tremors started and were pretty bad, so we left and came on home. Eva took a nap while Cottia went next door and played with the neighbors kid. I also took a nap and was exhausted. My best friend Bill came down last night and we watched some videos on youtube and the movie Star Trek. I really enjoy the newest version and hope they make more with the new cast.

I woke at about 2am once again having really bad chest pains. I tried to ride it out but it was just too much so I got up took my nitro spray and an aspirin. The pain began to subside which they tell me means it is my heart. I was able to go back to sleep but nitro always gives a really bad headache. So, I decided to stay home from Church which I don't like to do. I had to take the stray again this morning and am still having a burning sensation in my chest but it is getting better. I am very tired obviously so I plan to go back to bed pretty soon.

Well, that is about it. If the chest pains continue then I will call the cardiologist again even though all the tests look fine. Something is going on I just don't know what it is.

I pray God will richly bless you all and that you have a wonderful Sunday and time of worship. My love to all that read this and I hope you receive a blessing in some way today.

Today was counseling day and I always look forward to that. It is very important in my recovery process. I had a good session and look forward to the next.

Right now I am having chest pains again very intense a little on the left side and kind of in my arm pit but they always tell me there is nothing wrong so I will just let it go and pass by. I have broken into a bit of a sweat but again they always seem to pass.

Now for some other news. tonight Cottia said to me "daddy, you and mamma are the best parents. I love you both so much and Eva and I are lucky to have you as parents. I looked at her and said no, mamma and I are lucky to have you and Eva as our daughters. I guess you could say we had a "Waltons" moment. but, it was another of those moments that only happens when you actually take time with your kids and they realize they are loved. I am beyond blessed to have these two remarkable young ladies in my life.

Well, that is about it for today. I'm tired and I feel the pressure letting up. Well, time goes on and so does life. I pray God's richest blessings on each of you and that he will give you all peace.

t

Today was the day we saw the movement specialist in Charleston at MUSC. I went into this hoping for a different answer than I got but he explained it in a way that really set me at ease. First and foremost, I do not have Parkinson's. That is good news. But, I do have conversion disorder and possible, what he called essential tremors. We won't know for sure until I have dealt with the conversion disorder. Basically what it is, is a condition where the brain is reacting to stress or other trauma which causes the body to tremor or fall or sometimes even causes hearing loss or blindness among other problems. The doctor is going to try to get me into the behavioral science program at MUSC and said I need to continue to work with my current counselor and if the physical therapy is helping then I should continue with that. So, I now have a better understanding of exactly what I am dealing with and I have a more aggressive approach to treatment. I have to admit that while it is not easy to hear your brain is not working as it should it is also not a condition to be ashamed of and it can get better where as Parkinson's does not.

So, that is about it. It was a beautiful day to be in Charleston and Emily and I took some time to ride over the inlet and watched some dolphins swimming. We had some time alone and then came back home. She got the opportunity to read and I rested. We don't get a lot of days like that so it was really nice just to be close to her.

My girls came home and we are all settled into the house for the night. I meet with my counselor tomorrow and we will discuss today's visit. The PVC's continue even tonight they are occuring about every few minutes. But, not back to back. There is a break between them.

So, life moves on. I'll continue to work at recovery and what has caused this and trust God and his plan for my life and all the time being the husband and father all the women in my life deserve.

I pray God's richest blessings on you all and that you will feel his presence in your life.

t

Today is Saturday and I got to spend most of the afternoon with my daughters. I needed a new cell phone so I got that first then Emily needed to do some grocery shopping. She had taken the girls with her to get some shoes and I was able to get the phone for free and keep the same plan which works well for us.

I met Emily at the Burger King in Red Bank and got the girls. They have an indoor playground so the girls could play and all I had to do was sit there and enjoy them having fun. We came home took baths, ate supper and then I put Eva to bed. Cottia is getting ready to go to bed now.

But, I have been feeling weaker lately and the PVCs in the heart have been more prevalent. I needed to make a decision on what we were going to do about our satelite service so I called about the deal with Dish. I was able to get several dollars off our bill and get all their movie channels free for three months. That was a great deal IMO. So, I was excited and got up to go tell Emily. Cottia was in the kitchen and I fell right in front of her. We have learned to make lite of it in front of the girls so they don't get too upset. Cottia was fine. I hurt my right hand, right knee and am having pressure in my chest again. But, I believe it will pass. Right now, I am back in my chair and am trying to calm down. It is frustrating and scary but the appointment with MUSC is this Wednesday and I really hope I get some answers.

So, that is about it. I am talking better but feeling weaker and more tired as time goes on yet nothing shows up in the tests so conversion disorder remains the diagnosis. I just keep pressing on.

Once again, I pray God's blessings and mercy on each of you. May his grace be with you all and give you peace. No matter what I live through he is always there and I feel his presence. His mercies are new every day.

Take care and I'll continue to blog as best I can.

t

Today's post will be short but sweet. Not much new on my health. I did have another spell with a PVC today and afterward had some weakness but no chest pain and it did pass. I did get a little dizzy but it also passed.

But, today I want to concentrate on something else.

Yesterday, Cottia misplaced her book fair money and it really worried her so I decided as the man of the house that we needed to pray for her to find the money and be able to get her books at the fair. So, Emily, Cottia and I prayed for her to find the money. Well, today a woman at the Church found the money and Cottia was able to buy her books! The interesting thing is we had looked and so had her teacher and yet the money was not found yesterday but after we prayed it was found. If you don't believe in the power of prayer then this is an example of it. So, tonight I made a point of praying with my daughter to give thanks for finding the money and allowing her to get her books. I did explain to her that there will be times when God may not answer her prayer the way she wants. But, this time he did. Now for the topper, she also got a perfect 7 for 7 on her spelling test!! I am so proud of her.

I also want to say something about my Eva. We got to spend a little time together tonight and once again she just sat in my lap and we watched Tangled. I think I have the movie memorized but it is worth watching it a thousand times to have that blonde hair lay on my chest. Then, she always tells me she is ready to go to bed. I can't bend over the crib to kiss her so we have a tradition of blowing kisses to each other as I leave the room. Very special memories.

Well, that is about it. I got the call today confirming my appointment at MUSC today for next Wednesday at 11am. I'm ready to go. I pray God will bless you all and remember prayers are answered. Have a great night and keep your eyes on God's eyes be on you.

t

Today was another pretty quiet way. I got up and got the girls going but I was kind of disoriented and dizzy. I did not feel it was safe to take the girls to school or maw maw's so Emily had to do that. I felt completely helpless. I spent most of the day doing nothing. I did take a nap and when I woke up I felt better. Still a bit dizzy but it is not as bad as it was this morning.

Well, that is about it. The girls are at Awana's and hopefully they are having fun. It is crazy hat night and they looked so cute in their little hats.

I hope everyone has a great night and may God richly bless you.

t

Today was pretty quiet. I was very tired from the nuclear test but I did manage to get my wife some flowers and cupcakes for Valentine's day. I wanted to try to do somethings but even washing dishes or fixing breakfast really took it out of me. So, this was one of those days where I didn't do any of my exercises but really just watched TV and rested. I did have a few chest pains but certainly nothing like what I had Sunday and my heart did skip a beat at least twice but again it straightened out. I also had some tremors but once again nothing I could not handle. The biggest thing today was just how tired I was. I cancelled my therapy and counseling this week so I can just take the week and rest. I am able to do my normal things I do with my girls but that is about it.

I want to talk a little about my wife and what she means to me. She does so much and has really been through a lot of stress over the last two years. It is hard to get up and going knowing your spouse is disabled. I know she works hard and gives everything she does her very best. But, I also worry that she will overdo it. I just love her so and am greatful for he and all she does for our family.

Now, I want to talk a little about my girls. They both stole my heart the day they were born. They are such pretty little girls and have already seen so much with their dad. I don't know God's plan for their lives and how this chapter will fit in later but I pray they will both marry healthy and Godly men. The only problem I have is how fast they are growing up.

So, that is about it for today. I hope everyone had a great Valentine's day and I pray God's richest blessings on you all and if you are married on your marriage.

Have a great evening and once again God bless.

t

Well, it has certainly has been an interesting couple of days. Emily left Friday to go to Myrtle Beach for the BETA Club convention. She has to go and I was left with the girls. I knew I would need some help so once again Jason came through. He washed dishes, fed the dogs and brought up wood for the wood box. He truly is a part of the family.

Sunday morning I woke to a very intense chest pain and I was sweating. My first thought was angina so I got up took my medicine and got the girls ready for Church. Jason watched them for me while I took my shower. The pain in the chest changed to more of the elephant on the chest and I felt like there was someone sticking me in the left arm. Like when you get a shot. That really began to scare me. I knew I needed to get the girls to the Church where they would be looked after and I could get help. I didn't want to panic anyone but the pressure was very intense. So, we got to the Church and I told Jason he needed to go get two adults. One to get the girls and one to come check on me. There is a lady at our Church that used to work in a doctors office and can take blood pressure and pulse. She said my pulse was 150 but she didn't have a blood pressure cup so she was not able to check that. The Pastor prayed with me then got in the truck with me. By this time, I was crying and really concerned about my girls but luckily Maw Maw drove up and went in to take care of them.

So, they called 911 and soon the ambulance was there. By this time the tremors had set in and I was coughing a very deep rough cough. As they loaded me into the ambulance they took my Blood Pressure. I don't remember what the top number was but the bottom number was 104 so it was high. I also don't remember what my heart rate was at that time. They gave me nitro tablets and took me on to the hospital. By this time my blood pressure had come down and they said the nitro would do that and they drew blood and did a chest x-ray. They said everything looked normal but felt I needed to stay overnight. So, I spent the night in the observation room and everything seemed pretty normal but they wanted to do a nuclear stress test. The only problem with that is I can't walk on a treadmill due to the risk of a fall. So, they have a new way of doing these types of tests where they inject a chemical that widens the vessells and makes the heart work like it is under stress. It was very uncomfortable and I will admit that I hope I never have to go through that again. I was exhausted and really felt a lot of pain.

So, they moved me back to my room on the bed instead of trying to put me in a wheel chair. When we got to the room, I got off the bed to move to my room bed and slipped and fell on the floor. It really hurt my back and even now I am in a lot of pain in the back but the chest pain has gone away. I just hope it stays away.

The doctor said he wanted to confer with my cardiologist before discharging me so they called and the doctor on call came by to see me. He said that given that I had had a heart cath 6 years ago when I had the heart attack and it showed some plaque build up and some calcium build up that he felt I could go home since the nuclear test was ok. I was fully prepared to have another cath if it was necessary but I am happy to report that I am home and just very tired and drained.

They are not sure what happened but said to keep an eye on myself and the chest pains. Being home is probably the best medicine I could have. I am thankful for all those that worked so hard on me and the hospital for giving me the best of care. I feel comfortable that I did not have a heart attack but I do wonder if angina was involved but it really does not matter. What matters is that it has settled down and while I still had tremors through the day Sunday and this morning I feel calm now and am resting in my chair.

My heart just broke for my oldest daughter because she is old enough to understand there is something going on. But, I do know that God has a reason for all of this and I just have to get through it and my girls will be able to use this experience to help others and can speak from experience not just a text book.

So, once again, another rough time but God is faithful and I know he will see us through. It is my prayer that he blesses all who read this and give them peace.

Yesterday was counseling day. As you know I fell there the last time I was there and the paramedics cut my favorite Gamecock wind breaker got be sure I had not busted my elbow. Well, the office staff and group at the counseling bought me a brand new Gamecock full winter coat. It is beautiful and it meant so much to me. I tried it on and it was a bit of a tight fit but that just motivates me to lose a few more pounds. It won't talk much and I can wear the jacket now but I just want it to look a little loser. I cannot say how much that meant to me and how it touched my heart. The counseling session went well but I did figure out that there is still a lot of things that I have to work on dealing with. I won't get into specifics here but I still have a long ways to go. I really love my counselor and the way she treats me with respect and dignity. And the fact that she is a Christian makes it all the better.

Today, I had therapy. It went well but I felt weaker than usual. I have been feeling a bit weaker lately and I am not sure why. But, I made myself get through it and he took my blood pressure and it remains good. There was about an 8 point difference between the left and right arm but they say when it gets to 15 points or more then that is when you really have to be worried. It is still something we will have to keep an eye on but the pressure was overall pretty good.

I can't explain just how tired I am right now. I'm glad to be home and I am in some pain mainly in the legs but I plan to lay down and try to get some rest.

On another note, I have really redicated myself to praying with my wife. It was my great job to join with her last night in prayer about our children, our family, my health, Jason and other things. I feel it draws us closer as a couple and will surely set a good example for our kids.

Well, that is about it for today. I'm pretty tired so I'm going to get some rest but I pray God's richest blessings on each of you and that his grace will reach out and touch you in a special way this day. Have a great day everyone and God bless,

t

Wow, it is hard to believe but I am closing in on my 400th post. I don't even know for sure how many people still read these or even care. But, it is good therapy for me. It has certainly been a long ride. This blog first started out about my weight loss. Well, I'm pleased to say that I have lost weight. At one time it was 120lbs. I'm not sure where it is now but I think I put some back on and have started taking it back off again. My cloths fit about the same but I can't really stand on a scale to be properly weighed so my exact weight remains a mystery. I enjoy food but it does not consume me. I have a pretty good breakfast. I still have a problem when it comes to sweets to I try to limit those but ice cream remains my biggest obstacle. So, I buy the sugar free kind and have some pretty much every night. I also really enjoy a glass of milk at the end of the day right before bed.
I have certainly lived through a lot over the past two years. Surgeries, weight loss, infections. a disorder that seems to be a mystery, falls that thankfully have led to sprains and a lot of bruising and some bleeding but no broken bones. The falls continue and even tonight I nearly fell down the stairs but I was able to lean against the wall and grab the wall before I went all the way down. I still struggle with the tremors but I seem to be gaining some control over them. I can't prevent them but I seem to be able to shorten them. I lost the ability to speak for a while but now am able to carry on a pretty good conversation even if the fluency is still an issue. Stress is definently an issue as I worry and have a hard time putting things in God's hands as I should. I have had to face some demons that I thought I had burried but through counseling and love I have begun the process of dealing with these past events.
I have had to deal with the frustrations of doctors telling me that I am not faking but it is all in my head while at the same time dealing with people in the psychiatric community telling me there is something physical as well as some of the doctors.
I have tried to continue to be the best father and husband I can be but I know that is an area I can improve in.
I have had to deal with someone accusing me of withholding the truth which is simply not the truth. I have had to find a way to forgive this man and that was not easy.
I have had to deal with bitterness about the situation and my job and yet I am still here.
I have even had to deal with the emotion that my wife and children would be better off without me and that death would be better than what I am going through.
Then, I look at stories of others and am ashamed of myself for ever feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know about my job future and where it will go or even if I will ever be able to work again but one thing I have learned is to trust more in God. To trust his direction. He has brought some awesome people in my life. All the staff at the hospitals. The staff at the rehab hospital. My counselor. Jason, the young man that is like a son to me and my pastor who continue to love me and pray for me and always believe in me even when I am at my worst.
My wife and children including Jason make me feel worthy but God is my backbone and his grace will see us through. Life is short and sometimes can be cruel and seem like it is not worth going on but having those around you that love and push you make it all worth while.
So, tonight, I just want to say thank you to everyone that reads this even if it is someone reading it to get something on me. I pray for you all and ask God's richest blessings on you. I've learned not to be bitter and to just allow life to play itself out. God's plan is perfect but we are not. Learning how to fit into his plan and to follow it is what the life of a Christian should be all about. So good night and again may God bless you all as he sees fit.

t

Today is Super bowl Sunday and I am here at the house alone. Emily and the girls went to a super bowl party but I decided to stay at home. There really are two reasons I didn't want to go first and foremost was I felt Emily would have enough to worry about with the girls and second I just didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Plus, I really don't care about the super bowl. The food would be great but the game itself is just not something I care very much about. So, this way she has less to worry about and hopefully can have some fun.
Last night was certainly interesting. Emily had the pageant at the school so she was not here. Thankfully Jason was over here so I was not alone. The girls were asleep and I had to go to the restroom so I got up the stairs to get my walker when I noticed a fire in the field behind our house. I got Jason to go warn the neighbors and I called 911. My mind was racing in all kinds of directions. If the fire was coming our way it would not matter, I would find a way to get those girls out of the house and to safety and then there were the dogs. Luckily it was a neighbor down the road doing a controlled burn but I just wish he had given me some kind of warning. My heart was racing and I was having tremors that were really bad and the worry about what would happen to our house was just not good. But, the fire trucks arrived and took care of things and I was finally able to calm down after I had taken my medicine. But, I know what it feels like to realize you would die before allowing your children to die. I would have found a way.
Emily did a great job with the pageant and has gotten a lot of compliments and I know she is glad to have it behind her.
We did go to church today and I have noticed my feet are really hurting so I'm not sure if I stepped on something or if it was just that I was on my feet too long last night.
I was exhausted today and slept most of the day but I also had a hard time winding down from the fire so I probably did not rest very well last night after the fire.
Well, that is about it. God is still in control and I continue to work to get better and also continue to pray for God's wisdom. I also pray that each of you that read this will be richly blessed by his grace and have a wonderful week.

t