Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Physical therapy discharged me today. He said and he is right that because I am getting around the house and can get out to go to Church then they can discharge. But, I am not to exercise without supervision due to the tremors. So, I am kind of in a quantry. I cannot drive due to the tremors and home physical therapy cannot come back because I can get around the house and can get to Church and out a bit. I called my doctor and spoke with a nurse and they said they do not want me driving because of the danger of the tremors. So, I am stuck at home at least for now. He did recomment outpatient therapy but I can't do that until the home health nurse and occcupational therapist have discharged me. I expect the occupational therapist to discharge me this week but I don't see the nurse until next week. I think she will stick with me for a while. It is a strange mix of emotions I feel right now. I am excited that I have made the progress I have made and that I do have some degree of independence but I am also scared because I simply don't know what to expect with these tremors and what about the falls. I guess I just have to leave it in God's hands. I do take it as a compliment that I have made the progress I have made but the pain continues in my back and legs. One thing the therapist did make clear was there are clearly medical issues that have to be addressed so it is now with my family doctor and the counselor. I meet with the counselor tomorrow and we will have a lot to discuss but clearly God is at work and I give him the praise and glory for it all.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Today was a very busy day with the nurse, speech and physical therapy coming. I woke this morning around 430 with very intense back pain and did not go back to bed until after the therapist had left which was around 1. I managed a nap until 3 so I did get a 2 hr nap but I am still very tired. I had a few chest pains but nothing major just the back pain which we already know is disc disease. The speech therapist discharged me today which is good. I do have all the tools now it is just a matter of time and taking it slow. She said I can call her anytime but just to remember to take it slow. We all could learn from that.
I really like my nurse Leesa. Today we talked about how God is always at work no matter what and how he will be glorified through all of this. They continue to be concerned about my BP. It was taken 3 times today and in one of the readings there was a 20 point difference between the left and right arm and once again the right arm is stronger than the left. I will be glad to see my cardiologist Thursday to get some answers.
All in all it was a good day and I am able to get through the exercises but the left side is still weaker than the right. The speech therapist said the BP in my left arm was faint and the occupational therapist could not get a reading at all on Friday. It is probably just a matter of adjusting some medicines. I did not have a tremor that I remember today but the physical therapist did say that I was shakey. It is weird, I do feel my left side is stronger than it was but overall I feel weaker. I can't explain that but we continue the journey with the greatest leader of them all leading the way.
On another note. I just want to say I stand in remembrance of all those that have given their all for our freedom. Your sacrifice has not been in vein.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

I think yesterday may have taken more out of me than I thought. I really didn't do much but last night I was so tired. About 2am I woke to some really bad tremors. They lasted about 20-10 minutes. But, this time was the first time that I can remember them being accompanied with chest pain. I reached over to Emily who help my hand. I'm not sure how much she remembers because she was so tired. After the tremors had passed I got up and went to the rest room. I came back and had to catch my breath. I was too afraid to walk to the kitchen so I just let the pain pass which it did. I woke this morning very tired and worn down but still got up, took a shower, and made it to Church. I really wanted to go because I knew it was the day we honored our graduates and one of the young men is the young man who has become like the son I don't have. I was so proud of him and he looked so proud of his accomplishment so it made it worth while. I tried all I could to stay in the sanctuary but the pain in my back and bottom were just too much so I headed back to the Bridal area for the rest of the service. After church my children wanted to go out to eat so we did. Oh, I did have a minor tremor at Church between breakfast and sunday school but it was not that bad. Anyway, after we ate our lunch we headed out to the car. I decided to head down the handicapped ramp but tried a little too fast. I lost control of the walker but did not fall.I was able to grab the handle before falling completely. I did hurt my hand but nothing too serious. Luckily Emily was there and she grabbed me to help me catch my balance. Amazing how she is able to help bring balance to my life. We came home and I spent most of the afternoon on the bed. Emily and the girls went swimming and I went on the porch just to be outside. I brought Eva in and gave her a bath and fed her. Cottia soon came in and got her bath then also supper. I put both girls to bed. Emily started laundry and I know she is exhausted. right now, I am very sore and in some pain. My back really hurts but no chest pain at last not right now. It amazes me that with all I have been through and all that has happened there are so many others that are in worse shape than me. So, always let God lead and show his mercy because no matter how bad it is the one thing I can say is I am not scared. I am comforted by his presense and the great music that ministers to my very soul.
On another note, I hope everyone has a great weekend and a wonderful memorial weekend. Knowing what they have been through truly makes me realize just how blessed I am and that my problems are nothing compared to their sacrifice.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Today we hosted Cottia's softball team's party. I think the girls had a good time and my wife went above and beyond the call of duty to make this a special day for all the girls. I know she is exhausted. I was able to sit out on the screened porch with the other fathers and talk and really enjoyed the conversation. I did try to help by doing little things but the other parents did most of the work along with my wife. I felt in some ways useless and in other ways deeply cared for. It was certainly an interesting range of emotions. But the fellowship and the fact that our home was filled with laughter and joy made my soul rejoice. When we bought this place we bought it for functions just like this. So, God has allowed us to continue to use the place he provided for the purpose we felt he gave it to us for. His plan continues and his mercies never stop.
After everything else she did my wife put together a toy box for the girls. I gave them baths and put them to bed but I know Emily has got to be worn our. I just hope she can get some sleep tonight.
Ironically enough even though I didn't do much at all I am also worn out. Next week will be a busy week with therapy and a visit to my cardiologist. Life goes on and this adventure goes on.

Friday, May 27, 2011

today I had occupational therapy and then my counseling session. I really like my new counselor. My favorite part of our visits is our prayer time. We spend the last few minutes in prayer and she even read me some from the scripture. I think she is going to send me the verses so I can spend some time reflecting on them. I feel so comfortable with her all though I will admit there are times I'm not sure what to say.
Cottia woke up at 4 this morning and came and got me she said her legs hurt so I got up and gave her some pain medicine. Then, of course, I noticed that Eva was up and playing with her dolls. I knew she probably needed her pull up changed so I got her up and changed the pull up hoping she would sleep the rest of the day.
My mom and Vance took me to counseling. I was fussing because they did not get her exactly when I wanted them to and I was afraid we would be late but we made it on time. I guess the lesson there is trust God to get you there and mom to push the pedal to the metal!!
I came home and went to be but not for long. My lower back is really bothering me right now especially the tail bone area. But, I don't want to take another pain pill because I know it will make me sleepy so I will wait on that.
Tomorrow promises to be a busy day and I have to be careful not to do too much but I am so excited that Cottia's softball team is coming over. When we bought this place one of the major reasons was because it was big enough to host these kinds of events. I just hope the girls have a good time. They've earned it.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Today I got to go to Cottia's school which was very cool. She showed us the things she has been working on and I loved watching her put together words and math issues. She is so smart and I just know her life is going to be a great one. I woke this morning and went through the usual routine of getting Emily up then Cottia, then Eva. Eva is usually already awake so all I have to do is get her going and trust me once she hits the floor she is off and running for the day. I took Cottia's book bag and lunch bag and Emily's brief case to the car and then got ceral ready for the kids so they can start their day with a good breakfast. I made Emily's glass of tea and then got them on their way. Because I have to use the walker it really takes it out of me so I was already worn out before I left the house. But, seeing the excitement in Cottia's eyes when I came to her school made it all worth while.
I had to get a prescrition filled so I stopped by the pharmacy then came on back home. Now, I am completely worn down. God continues to work and we continue our journey through his will no matter what it is.
Cottia has two more softball games. One is in Pelion tonight but I think I will pass on that one and just make the last game which is next week. Go Darlings!!
Someone asked me how God is working in my life yesterday. I have to admit I became angry but I also have to admit that I see him working everyday just by my waking up. It is interesting that I go to bed everynight wondering if I will wake up but God wakes me everyday and while I can't say I always have a smile on my face it doesn't take long for my girls to put one there and that makes all the differencein the world for me. My love of my children and wife continue to sustain me. But, most of all it is God's strength that keeps me going. I have seen him bring me to the right doctors and counselors. I have seen him guide our steps and I have seen him love us in ways we are not capable of loving ourselves. this person asked me how much time I spend reading his words or praying. I don't read anything so I don't spend anytime in the wordas far as praying that is kind of constant but with no formal format just a conversation with the God I love. I also have to admit that I am angry at my situation but I will get over that. I am not angry at God. It took some time for me to realize that.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I have become such a selfish person during all of this. I thought I was trusting God but now I wonder if that it true or if I am simply saying what I want people to hear. I know I have been through a lot and who knows what else is to come but I still have my wife and children, my family and friends and I am in a lot better shape than a lot of other folks. God will see us through. He always has.
I did get some good news today my disability has been approved through at least July 4th and there is a request to go through July 8th and then to determine if we need to extend beyond that. God made that happen.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I had an appointment with Dr Griggs today just to make sure there were no serious injuries from the falls. The doctor said I looked ok. He also agreed with the counselor that I am not ready to return to work and he is going to take it month by month. My next appoinement with him in July 7th unless something else happens. He also said it is very unusual for blood pressure to lower during work out instead of going up so he was going to call a cardiologist friend of his to make sure there is nothing to be concerned about. He did say it may be nothing but it certainly is strange and wants to keep an eye on it. He also said my disability specialist should have his notes including the one from today by the end of the week. I really like my family doctor. He does anything he can to help and always listens to what I have to say. He makes me feel like he really cares and he will work with the counselor regarding the disability. It is such an interesting feeling but we are to continue with the home therapy because there is improvment and that is encouraging. I am worried about why I fell and Dr Griggs also said he has no explanation as to why I am still having the tremors. Sometimes things happen in the body that just cannot be explained. I guess we will see.
But, I still trust God and his plan no matter what that may be.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Today started out pretty good. I had tood speech therapy but I was in some pain so physical therapy did not go quite as well. I was able to do the things she wanted me to do but I just gave out due to the pain from the fall on Saturday. But, I did have something that has not happened before. I woke up from a nap and fell out of bed. I am not sure if I had a tremor while asleep which led to me losing my balance getting out of bed of it it just happened. But, when I got back in the bed I had a major tremor. It lasted a good 10 to 15 minutes and now seems to have gone. My blood pressure actually went down after working out which the physical therapist said she has never seen. The pressure continues to be switch from high to low and from left to right. BP is different in each arm for everyone but usually the left is higher due to it being closer to the heart in my case it is a lot of the times lower. Just strange. This episode does worry me but I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to go over these issues. I just want some answers. The physical therapist kind of jokingly said I need to go to MUSC to be a case study! that might not be such a bad idea. Right now, I am just glad the tremors have past. My mom is on her way over to help me with the girls. The big deal now for me is just how tired I am. These tremors just take it out of me so bad and make me so tired. I guess we will see.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Not much to post today. I was in a lot of pain from the fall. The pain is mostly in my back but also my ankle hurts. Tomorrow will be a busy day with therapy starting at 9 and ending around noon. It will also be a busy week but that is ok. I am hoping to get to a point where I can work part time in the near future. If I can do something even if it is not my regular job then to at least do something would be helpful. I do know that emotionally I am not ready right now but I hope to continue to progress I have made. I did not go to Church today due to the pain but I also did not spend the day in bed on pain killers. All though I plan to take one before I go to bed tonight. So, life goes on and we continue the journey we are on.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I wasn't sure weather to blog again but I fell again today so I felt I should. Emily was in the bathroom and I was talking to her. I am not sure exactly what happened but I fell on my right side this time. At First I didn't think I had hurt myself but after a little while I began to notice the pain in my ankle area. We had a Sunday School picnic and I could not enjoy myself because the pain was really beginning to increase. There is some bruising and a little swelling but nothing major. Fortunently my falls have taken place when there has been someone here.
For the first time I have begun to think that Emily and the girls would be better off without me. Not that I plan to kill myself or anything but to have a person who is becoming more of a burden and less of a man isn't much of a husband or father for that matter. I know I am feeling sorry for myself but right now all I want to do is crawl in a corner and not come out. There just seems to be no end to this and I know Emily is frustrated. She deserves so much more than I am giving her. I tried to make her birthday as special as I could but even in that I feel like I failed. I have no idea how long I will be disabiled. Is it going to be permanent? So many questions and so few answers. But, the tremors and falls continue and the world goes on.
I think the hardest thing for me tonight was watching all the fathers playing kick ball or throwing the ball with their kids and all I could do was sit and watch. My girls deserve so much more. Again, to be clear, I'm not suicidal but there are times I feel if he takes me home the family would be much better off than dealing with what is turning out to be less than a man. I promised to be honest in these blogs so this is about as honest as I can get. I don't want to go to anymore of these functions. I just want to stay home and continue with my therapy and then when I am ready and strong go out in public. Right now, I just want to be left alone.
Well, it's a Saturday and I fell a bit off balance. I haven't fallen but I have felt like I was going to. I just need to keep my composure. I did walk outside and it was hot and thought I would fall then but I didn't. Emily and the girls have spent most of the day out by the pool. I actually fell asleep in my chair and slept for a few hours so I feel rested just not sure why I feel off balance. But, God is good and we continue the journey. Our Sunday school class is having a picnic this afternoon so that will be test of my nerves to see if I have a tremor. I will take the valum and have tried to prepare myself for the event so hopefully it won't be an issue. We will see how it goes!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Today was actually a rare day where I spent most of the day in the bed. Usually I do something and I did the dishes and a few little things but the pain in my back has gotten so bad that it was really bothering me. I need to call the doctor tomorrow about calling in a new prescription for the valum and the pain killer.
Emily's former youth pastor has been diagnosed with something that seems very similar to what I have. I don't have all of the symptoms but it is a progressive disease so I do thin it is worth talking to my doctor about. It is Multiple system Atrophy (MSA). It is not a good diagnosis but at this point I would rather know something than continue to just guess. I'll call the doctor tomorrow and mention it and see what he says.
My life seems to be slipping away from me and I just worry that I am going to be a burden for my family. That is probably my worst fear. No matter the diagnosis we will just face it as a family.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Today has certainly been interesting. I had difficulty sleeping and woke at 5 this AM. I got up and tried to do some things around the house. I went ahead and got the girls ceral ready and loaded the car for Emily. This is a chore moving all the things out with a walker but it has to be done and it is a way I can help. I enjoy getting Emily her tea ready for the day and getting the girls up and going. It is a busy time but a time I enjoy. Cottia gets Eva up so I all I have to do is get her dressed. She is so cute gettin on the coach and getting ready for her morning dressing. She also puts her pull up in the trash then they both head to the table for breakfast. I brush their hair and make sure their tooth paste is ready so all they have to do is brush their teeth. Then, when Emily makes her way around all she has to do is get in the car. I don't always go out when they are loading up but ths morning I did. On the way back to the house I gave Emily a kiss goodbye for the day and had a mild tremor but I think it was just because I was already worn our.
Occupational therapy came at around 9 and tried to take my blood pressure but he could not hear anything which I though was very interesting especially considering how busy a morning I had. So, we did our work out and he took my BP again this time it was there and for the first time it was the same in both arms! That has never happened. It has always been different in my arms but today they both read the same. He asked me if I wanted him to stay but I told him no because physical therapy is coming at 1230 and she will check it again.
My back continues to be in a lot of pain as does my foot but at least right now I do not have a headache. So, yet another interesting day. I did have some pretty hard PVCS during the work out and I am having some chest discomfort but nothing major so I am not too concerned. I just want to get through Physical therapy and go to bed to rest. I also got some great news on disabiliity. Because this is being considered a new claim I have started all over again so there is no real rush on returning. I can take the time necessary to heal as long as it is medically necessary for me to be out. God has certainly been in control.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I had speech therapy today. It went well. She said she thinks my biggest problem is trying to talk to fast. I just need to slow it down and speak clearly. She said she thinks that is 90% of my speaking issues and we are well on the way towards getting that addressed. I also met with my new counselor. I really like her. She is a Christian and we prayed together. She also said she will fill out any paperwork necessary for me and we are in no hurry. I explained that I want to return to work but I want it to be right and we have a lot of very personal issues to address. She is not sure about the diagnosis but certainly thinks it is a possibility. I truly feel God has brought me to her as she even went to school at App State!! How amazing is that! She was also concerned about Cottia and Eva and how they were dealing with all of this. God continues to amaze me. I don't know how much longer I will be out. I don't know what his plans are but I am at peace that I have done everything I can and am seeking the treatment which will get me a quality of life that I can be satisfied with. Time moves on.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Today has not been so great. I started the morning at 530 because I was sore from the fall and my back was in a lot of pain. I could not take the pain medicine because I did not know when occupational therapy was coming and needed to be as alert as possible. So, I decided to get up and try to get some things done. I went into the closet to get some cloths and fell backwards. I was able to catch myself on the wall so I didn't hit the floor but I think it hurt my back even worse. I also wanted to help Emily with the girls cloths so I went to Cottia's room to move the cloths to the washing machine. Well, just like before, I hit my head in the closet. It didnt bleed ths time but it has given me quite the headache. I waited as long as I could but finally had to take the pain medicine. Occupational therapy called in sick so all I have is physical therapy today. I am going to bed once I am done with that. I continue to do all I can but I actually feel very weak today and I guess that is to be expected. Well, the physical therapist just drove up so it is time to do a little work. I may blog some more later but as for right now, I am tired and just want to rest.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Today has been a pretty good day. My speech seems better today and I do think the valum is helping. I have stuttered a bit but not nearly as much as I have in the past. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I do believe things are getting better slowly but surely. I am also able to sing which makes my soul rejoice. I am sore from the fall yesterday but nothing I can't handle. My foot continues to hurt quite a bit and I have a headache again but I am getting so used to it that I don't think very much about it anymore. This week I have physical therapy Monday and Wednesday. Not sure about occupational therapy. I have a psy therapy tuesday with my new counselor. I have already notified my disability that they are to contact them for future reference. I think I had a tremor yesterday when I woke from my nap but I am not sure which gets back into my memory issues. So many issues at one time.
I went to Church this morning. I have to admit it is hard going. I want to be there and everyone is so kind and caring yet there is still this sense of embarrassment on my part that I have not been able to get over. I sat out front for the music part of the service then go back to the bridal area where I usully fall asleep. God's plan continues to unfold and I continue to seek his guidance. Only he knows his plan. I just have to figure out how to follow it.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Well, today I fell again. I didn't hurt myself but it did scare me. The worst thing was the girls saw the fall. I know it scared them especially Cottia. She was so sweet trying to help me up and just caring. Emily was near by and she helped me up. I have felt off balance most of the day but have not fallen again. I guess it is a part of my reality and I have to deal with it. I continue to have good upper body strength but the lower left is still a problem. I do feel it is stronger but just not where it needs to be. So, we keep going day by day and trusting God.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Today, I had physical therapy and the neurological nurse came by. They don't know why my blood pressure readings are different in each arm. Sometimes the difference is pretty drastic and other times it is not that much at all but there is always a difference. Kind of interesting. Usually my left arm pressure is lower than my right arm. The pains in my foot are pretty constant but the headaches have gotten better. They are still there but not as bad. I asked if I might be able to get in the pool as long as there were folks over here to help me but right now they don't think that is a good idea. But, it is a goal we can works towards. My blood pressure was kind of high for me today but still in pretty good range for most folks. It is 130/90 then 140/90 something. they have decided to keep a record of pressure in both arms. just to follow how it goes. They continue to be concerned about my balance and falling but I am learning to walk with the walker and to depend on it more and more without using it as a crutch but rather something to guide me. My goals continue to be to simply improve. I am not going to put the pressure on myself like I did before. I feel it made matters worse. God continue to control the situation. So, life continues and it is certainly a rollercoaster ride.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I did not have a very good night last night. Eva woke up and while I enjoy every moment with her playtime at midnight is not a good thing! Then, I woke up at 4 with the worst headache I have had in a long time. Emily said and she is right it was due to stress. We were able to get into see my doctor today and he was so amazing. He read the report from the psy doctor and said while it is not good it is also not what he thinks and based on the hospital, healthsouth and original psy eval he is not chaning the diagnosis. I almost had a major tremor talking about it but I was able to keep control. My doctor assured me that he was going to do everything necessary to help us even if it meant taking out the lap band and pacemaker to do an MRI. I don't expect it to come to either but the fact that he is willing to do anything to protect me is so reassuring. I have cancelled all future appointments with the other doctor. My doctor said it would do more harm than good at this point to even continue with him so we are going to seek a new referral for further eval. He is also going to be sure to get all my records to my disability folks. We also got some good news from that front. I have been approved disability through May 29th but Dr Griggs has already said he will continue it beyond that and as long as it takes to get to the bottom of all of this. I should have known to go to my family doctor to begin with. God is so good and he has once again stepped in and shown his grace.
I woke at 430 this morning and could not go back to sleep. After the news of the day I am just wide awake. I know I need the rest and you would think with the valum in me I would be able to get a good nights sleep but I am awake and just waiting to wake the family. I have also developed a cold and have a terrible headache so I am not sure how today will go. I still plan to call to see if I can get in with my doctor today but need some rest. I just can't believe how the last 24 hours have changed so many things. I just want my life back but this is the life I have been given and I am going to live it to the fullest. I just needed to write something. I want to back to bed but there really is no reason to do that at this point so I will just wait. We will see what God has in store for the rest of the day.

Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm not sure how to describe how I am feeling tonight after my visit with my psycho doctor. So, all I will say is that I am not sure I will go back to this doctor. Emily have been talking all day about it and we just need to make some decisions. I am going to see my general doctor this week. Right now the apt is sechduled for Thursday but we are going to try to get in tomorrow. I continue to ask for your prayers and that I can deal with what went on today. I have had rough days in my life and maybe I am making more of this than is actually there but right now I am frustrated and angry. This will certainly be an interesting week. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

There is a lot I could say about today like the tremor I had and how tired I am but that all seems so repetitive so instead I will concentrate on the woman in my life. We, as men, spend way too much time blowing our own horns and not thanking the women in our lives who do so much including giving the birth to our children. I will never forget that day in the hospital in July when we were giving birth to our first born. A little girl you all know is the light of my life. But, the light requires power and that power comes from her mother. I remember when they laid that little baby on Emily and how she just looked at her and how she just said hello little one. My mother in law and I were both crying but not my wife. She sat there calmly loving and holding this precious gift that she had been given. Only a woman can give birth, we as men are cheerleaders. I can't always say she is perfect because that would be a lie but I can say that she is the best mother to my daughters that she can possible be. She is love. She is discipline. She is an example. She is a rock. She is the power behind the lights of my life. She is a mother and there is no one like her. So, today's blog is simply to thank my wife for being the mother to my children. The wife to my soul and the power behind the lights in this house. Without her our lives would be a much darker place. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY EMILY! YOU ARE ONE AWESOME MOTHER!!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Today I had physical and occupational therapy. They were both functional assessments. The physical therapy did not go so well. I was very shaky but I think it had a lot to do with it being in the morning and I had just taken my medicine so it may have not had enough time to kick in. I am still having problems with balance. I did a lot of shaking and in fact called Emily but dropped my phone more than once. Still, the therapist thinks I am making progress and hopes to eventually get me off the walkers. Occupational therapy is kind of fun. Today he wanted to see how my reflexes are so we playes bounce the balloon. It was kind of like being a kid again. I did very well with the right hand but not the left. I was able to pick my right foot up and move it forward. My left I tended to drag. Still, it was not bad. He once again said I was making progress but I need to work the muscles in the left part of my body because it is obvious they are weak and could get worse. One good thing is I can use the WII to get exercise and work on my reflexes so that should be fun. I continue to have headaches since I hit my head twice this week. I was very tired after the workouts but I think that was to be expected. I have two doctor appointments Monday so we will have to see how they do. Still all in all other than the headaches and the continued pains in my left foot it was a good day. God is good all the time!!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Today was not as bad as the other days this week. I did stumble last night but I didn't fall. I hit my head again but it was nothing major. Emily checked it out and the bleediing was slight. My speech has calmed down but the stuttering is still very much there. The speech therapist came today as did the occupational therapist. My BP is lower in my right arm than my left kind of weird but the readings in both arms were good today. I am finding that as long as I am home the tremors are not so bad but they do happen. They happened today when I was doing occupational therapy but if could have been a lot worse so I am glad I was home. I am still waiting to hear what disability determines. I called the psych office again but they are not taking any new patients until Sept. However, I did speak with another office person who said based on our conversation that she believes this is physical and not mental. She is going to do everything she can do to get me an appointment in June. So, the big question may be can I get approved to remain out of work until I see this new psych doctor. Medically there is no doubt but mentally it may be a concern. Bottom line is I am not able to work and the evidence is there but dealing with this stress is not good and my concern is a relapse. I just want to get better, I have to admit that I am considering applying for social security disability for the first time. That way it is one and done and then I don't have to worry about it for the rest of my life. Maybe that has been God's plan all along. I just don't know. We will have to see. Until then, I need to get this disability approved through the date I can see a psych and then see where we go from there.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Today started with a bang. I went to get Cottia's dirty cloths and fell forward into the closet. I hit my head and man did it hurt. It bled a little but nothing major. I had a headache most of the rest of the day. Then, I got a call from my disability that the behavioral therapist had released me to work as of yesterday. I quickly began to panic and the stuttering became uncontroable. I called Emily who always has the presense of mind to calm me down. I'm not going to get into a great of detail but Emily placed a call to the doctors office. I kind of feel sorry for the doctor when he has to explain this one to her! But, when I called him I could barely speak and he said it was obvious that stress caused the stuttering. Well, duh, I think we already knew that. He did say he had only seen me twice and therefore did not have a diagnosis which bares the question as to why he released me instead of referring the disability specialist back to my general doctor. So, I called my general practice and they said not to worry about it. I also called the disability specialist and did my best to speak,. I think in a way it was good for her to hear just how bad my situation is. She said she was not denying the claim but she did not have any information on the tremors or the other issues affecting my body so we have to see what the doctor says. Once again God stepped in as my occupational therapist drove up at that exact moment. He took my bp which was 150/88. That is very high for me so he stayed with me until I had calmed down. He is a Christian so that was also a good thing. Bottom line is the doctor made a mistake in a line of mistakes from the medical community in my case. While I am getting better at walking I am still not steady and can fall at any time as was the case this morning. I have fluencey issues and tremors that can come on at anytime. I know the disability specialist has a job to do but there is just no way I can return to work at this time. So, now we wait until the records are sent and evaluated. I emailed the information from HealthSouth, Dr Westercam and lexington medical center so she can get everything she needs to make the proper decision.
On another note, does anyone think this should be a made for tv movie????? I'm beginning to think so!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Today I started my behavioral therapy. It will require homework which I hate but I will do what I have to to get better. We made it home in time for both speech and physical therapy. I did have some stuttering issues earlier in the day but as the day went on it got better. I noticed the more tired I became the less the stuttering. I also took the valum 10 ml and that definently made a difference as far as calming me down and I was able to rest. I was up late last night watching all the news on the death of Bin Ladin. It is not unusual for me to be up late but I was up later than normal last night so I was tired today and it showed. The behavorial therapist filled out the paper work for my disability while I was there but I also need to be sure to follow up with disability for Dr Griggs. Their office called and said I will have to make my own apt with the psychologist as they do not take referrals so I have the number and will make the apt tomorrow. In the mean time, I continue to be in good spirits and feel blessed to be loved and prayed for.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

This morning I went to Church. My wonderful wife once again fixed my breakfast plate and I enjoyed a great breakfast. But, I decided to try to put my plate in the trash. That is when the first tremor hit. It wasn't too bad but I did spill what was left of my food which a very dear friend was kind enough to clean up. I made my way to the sanctuary to listen and do what I could to offer support for the praise and worship team. They did awesome and it was nice to be back with them. I have made a goal to sing a special by the end of the month so I asked Michelle to practice. We did. I am always amazed at God's grace. I know I am my own worse critic but I thought it went well. It was simple and not a high range but the voice was there. The one thing I have always relied on was there. The gift God gave me which I have not used as I should was still there. It was not as strong as it used to be and at times I felt it went a bit flat. But, it was there. I became excited and over stimulated and began to tremor. Members of the worship team were near by and brought me a chair so I could sit down and gain my composure but the voice was there. Some of the men of the Church helped me to the back of the Church and I remained in the brides area for the remainder of the morning. But, I had sung and I had sung in God's house. I know I have my work cut out for me but it was a start. After Church we went out to eat at Paparoni's. I made my way in the restaurant but I had a tremor right before sitting but I made it to my seat and through the meal. We came home and I took my valum. I think the problem this morning was two fold first I was stimulated about singing and I should have taken 10 mil instead of 5. The doctor has increased my dosage and I need to stick with that. Then, tonight, Cottia came around and sat on my lap like she usually does before bed. She loves for me to rock her it is our tradition and one I treasure. She made the comment that she liked me better before the walker because the walker made me look old. I asked her if she would love me either way and she said yes but I have to admit it did hurt that she hurts for me. I don't feel sorry for myself even though I do get down from time to time. But, I do worry about being less than the daddy they deserve. So, we rocked like we always do then I put her to bed with a hug and a kiss and a promise that I will continue to do all I can to get off the walker even if I have to walk with a walking stick. In a final twist of fate or God's had whichever you chose to believe, when I came back Mash was on. I never watch Mash. The story line was of a soilder who stuttered and believed himself to be dumb because he could not talk like others do. I won't get into the entire story but the jest of the story was one of the doctors found out this kids iq was above normal and then went on the explain great people in history who stuttered including Winston Churchhill. It spoke to me that no matter the infirmaties of this life God can make a person great all we have to do is look at the challenges we have as opportunities to serve him and prove his love and grace. So, I plan to sing by the end of the month. Honestly, I don't care at this point I don't care how well it goes as long as it is the best I can do. That is what God has done for me and I plan to do that for him. I still hope to sing "In my Daughter's Eyes." for Father's day so I have my work cut out for me. But, I also have goals and a Father in Heaven who will see me through to glorify his name. So, the day comes to a close. It was one of accomplishment, drama, pain, hurt, but it was also one of love and God's grace. I don't think I could ask for more.
On another note, Emily continues to heal from her broken foot. With all she has had to do I am amazed at how she has kept it together and she still does not ask for help. She just keeps going. I may have done a lot of things wrong in my life but one thing I did right was marrying that woman.