Wow, it is hard to believe but I am closing in on my 400th post. I don't even know for sure how many people still read these or even care. But, it is good therapy for me. It has certainly been a long ride. This blog first started out about my weight loss. Well, I'm pleased to say that I have lost weight. At one time it was 120lbs. I'm not sure where it is now but I think I put some back on and have started taking it back off again. My cloths fit about the same but I can't really stand on a scale to be properly weighed so my exact weight remains a mystery. I enjoy food but it does not consume me. I have a pretty good breakfast. I still have a problem when it comes to sweets to I try to limit those but ice cream remains my biggest obstacle. So, I buy the sugar free kind and have some pretty much every night. I also really enjoy a glass of milk at the end of the day right before bed.
I have certainly lived through a lot over the past two years. Surgeries, weight loss, infections. a disorder that seems to be a mystery, falls that thankfully have led to sprains and a lot of bruising and some bleeding but no broken bones. The falls continue and even tonight I nearly fell down the stairs but I was able to lean against the wall and grab the wall before I went all the way down. I still struggle with the tremors but I seem to be gaining some control over them. I can't prevent them but I seem to be able to shorten them. I lost the ability to speak for a while but now am able to carry on a pretty good conversation even if the fluency is still an issue. Stress is definently an issue as I worry and have a hard time putting things in God's hands as I should. I have had to face some demons that I thought I had burried but through counseling and love I have begun the process of dealing with these past events.
I have had to deal with the frustrations of doctors telling me that I am not faking but it is all in my head while at the same time dealing with people in the psychiatric community telling me there is something physical as well as some of the doctors.
I have tried to continue to be the best father and husband I can be but I know that is an area I can improve in.
I have had to deal with someone accusing me of withholding the truth which is simply not the truth. I have had to find a way to forgive this man and that was not easy.
I have had to deal with bitterness about the situation and my job and yet I am still here.
I have even had to deal with the emotion that my wife and children would be better off without me and that death would be better than what I am going through.
Then, I look at stories of others and am ashamed of myself for ever feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know about my job future and where it will go or even if I will ever be able to work again but one thing I have learned is to trust more in God. To trust his direction. He has brought some awesome people in my life. All the staff at the hospitals. The staff at the rehab hospital. My counselor. Jason, the young man that is like a son to me and my pastor who continue to love me and pray for me and always believe in me even when I am at my worst.
My wife and children including Jason make me feel worthy but God is my backbone and his grace will see us through. Life is short and sometimes can be cruel and seem like it is not worth going on but having those around you that love and push you make it all worth while.
So, tonight, I just want to say thank you to everyone that reads this even if it is someone reading it to get something on me. I pray for you all and ask God's richest blessings on you. I've learned not to be bitter and to just allow life to play itself out. God's plan is perfect but we are not. Learning how to fit into his plan and to follow it is what the life of a Christian should be all about. So good night and again may God bless you all as he sees fit.

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