Today was counseling day! I always look forward to just getting out of the house and seeing Glenda is especially cool. She is always so understanding and really helpful. One thing I will say is I think we have a lot to do but I am encouraged and feel we have a direction in which to go. I remain determined to get better and feel I am making progress. I know I am not ready to return to the work force but that is my goal and eventually I will get there. The only rough news was I almost fell again and hurt my wrist but it isn't too bad and I can live with it. Cottia noticed that I had stubbed my toe. I didn't even feel that when I fell because the left side still is struggling. But, overall a good day of counseling.

Cottia did very well in school today and didn't cry. She is doing well on her homework and comes home with a smiley face everyday. I could not be more proud of her. She is reading and spelling and does her homework before she does anything else when she gets home. Eva also had a good week at school. As a reward we get them a small something to encourage good behavior and to let them know that with hard work comes rewards.

Eva seems to have developed a bit of a cold and Emily said her head is hurting. Cottia seems ok but I just hope we can keep the yuke out of the house.

Tonight Emily took Cottia to register for Awana's at the Church and Eva is in the bed she is just not feeling well.

So, another day in the life of the Taylor's. I hope everyone that reads this has a good night and may God richly bless you and your family.

Today was therapy day and I am always worn out after which is good. I told my physical therapist not to be afraid to push me. I have worked so hard and been so determined to get better and I still want to be pushed. The pain in the lower left leg continues to bother me and I am not sure why my toes seem to continue to be spreading apart on the left foot. It is painful. But, I am dealing. I seemed to have had more than usual tremors today. I'm not sure why but I felt the workout actually went well. My speech is better the more relaxed I am but if I get upset then the speech seems to get worse and of course there is the risk of a big tremor. None the less, today's session went well and I am still hopeful for a full recovery. Not just to get better. When I look at all the other folks there that are in much worse shape than I am it really makes me realize just how blessed I truly am. When I am done, I am so tired that all I want to do is just rest which I did this afternoon. Tomorrow is counseling day and I am ready to see Glenda. I am looking forward to our time and to working through whatever issues are causing the conversion disorder. I am prepared to face whatever it takes to get better.

On another note, Eva started 3 year old preschool this week and it just amazes me how she has grown. She is so beautiful and wants to do homework. I wonder how long that will last but for now she is so cute.

I still have not heard anything on when they are going to do the CT scan so I may need to call about that. We have sent off all the paperwork that we have control over and hope we have everything set up. Now we just have to wait on short term to make a decision for the month of August 19th through Sept 20th when Long Term kicks in and has already been approved.

So, I guess that is about it for today. The girls are doing well and Emily is her usual strong and vibrant self. I had what I consider a good day and a good workout and am looking forward to the day when I am no longer using a walker at all and don't have to worry about falling. I am truly learning to live one day at a time and learning more and more to lean on God and his everlasting grace. I hope everyone who reads this has a good night and may God richly bless you all.

I haven't blogged in a few days but wanted to do some catching up. I feel I am continuing to improve even though I nearly fell at Church yesterday and had a pretty good tremor in the neck during lunch. I did fall today but luckily I was within reach of my truck so I just grabbed it before hitting the ground. I suppose it is also a good thing that I don't feel the burn like most folks do. The pain in my left foot and chin area continue to be a mystery to me. My toes seem to have stopped spreading apart but are at about the same distance they have been for a little while now. I am tired as usual but try to make myself do things. I can tell this is taking a toll on Cottia our oldest and that is not easy for me to deal with. She is and always has been very protective of me. She was sitting next to me yesterday when the tremor hit and she gently rubbed my back and then just kind of laid on me as if to say daddy it is going to be ok no matter what.

I did not go to the football game and right now have no plans to go to any of them even though I want to. It is even getting to where I don't really want to go out to eat because I don't want to fall and I don't want to have tremors in public. But, I force myself to try so that I don't become depressed.

Tomorrow is therapy day and I am looking forward to that and then counseling with Glenda. Thursday I have an appointment with my ENT. My hearing is either getting worse or when I am asleep I am just so out of it that I don't hear the phone. That is new. I always woke to the phone ringing before.

Well, that is about it. I am still waiting on short term disability to approve me from August 19th through Sept 20th when long term kicks in. I still don't understand what the hold up is if long term has already approved then what is holding up short term. If someone figures out how this all works then let me know.

Well, I am off to get some rest and wait on my wonderful family to get home. God continues to be faithful and his love never stops. Have a good day.

Not too much to report today. I was very tired from the sleepless night but I did get a lot of rest this afternoon. My heart is skipping beats some tonight but I think it is because I wanted to go to the game so badly and have decided it is just best to stay home. I feel bad that Emily and the girls have gone. But, I know she will have help and that does make it a little easier. Maw Maw and Paw Paw will be there so she will have them to help. They went out to eat barbeque but I decided to just stay home. If I went I think I would have been more of a burden than a help. Emily already has to get the plates for the girls so adding me would put all the more stress on her and I just don't want that. So, here I sit on a Friday night and the first game of the season. I don't know if I can remember that ever happening before. But, it is for the best. If I went I could fall or have a tremor and that is just not worth it. Eva went with Emily and Cottia so I am alone and really feel more like a burden than ever. I love high school football so much but even that has been taken away from me at least for now. I just want to crawl in a corner and cry but I have to push on. Well, that is about it. I hope to have a much better nights sleep tonight and get the rest I need. I also hope Emily and the girls have fun and stay safe and pray for all those in the path of Irene. I guess it is just me and the TV for a few hours. Have a good night everyone and I hope Swansea pulls out a win.

Well, it is late at night and I am just realizing I didn't blog today. I can't sleep so I guess I'll work on a blog now. I have had a lot of things on my mind lately and I guess that is why I am having a sleepless night despite my medication. I need the rest though. Today was therapy day and I had a good day of therapy but am in some pain even now from the workout but at least I am getting out and making my therapy sessions. I have a long ways to go but I fully intend to continue the journey. The girls including Emily are all fast asleep and I hope they rest well. Tonight is the first high school football game and I want to go but will admit I am afraid to go. We are supposed to meet some friends for supper before the game and I don't even want to do that. Not that I don't want to see them in fact I would love to see them but I know I would need to participate in the conversation and it just wears me out so much. Plus it is at the restaurant where I fell last Sunday and I am concerned about going. Because I still suffer some incontinence issues that also is a concern and a daily battle for me. But, I don't want to leave Emily alone with the girls at supper either and that is what is keeping me up. Wow, I really don't handle stress very well right now do I. If I tried to go to the ball game there is always the risk of falling and a tremor hitting if I get too excited. I still think the best thing is for me to just stay home with Eva and allow Emily and Cottia to go and enjoy themselves. But, it is hard not to go. I hope and pull for our team so much but it is probably better all around for everyone if I just stay away. I just don't know about the supper thing. I feel bad not going but would rather just stay home and have a simple dinner on my own. Then, Emily can bring Eva home and go to the game after she is put to bed. Anyway, I hope our team wins and has a great season but I think it is best if I cheer from home and hope for the best.

I also cannot get past this investigator and the way he handled things. Then, throw in when I returned to work in March still suffering from incontinence issues and had the accident but was not told where the bathrooms were and spent most of the day in the bathroom once I found out where it was and I begin to wonder if that may not have triggered the breakdown. There really are times I have to count my blessings because I sometimes think my life really sucks. When I went to work that day in March they were aware of my incontinence issues yet no one met me and no one told me where the rest room was. The closest one only had one stall and when I needed it, it was occupied. By the time I found one it was too late. I remember calling my wife crying out of embarrassment from what had happened and then two days later I had the breakdown. Had I been told where the bathroom was perhaps I would still be at work. I had tried to go back only to have this happen. It really does make me wonder and what do I do about it? So many questions, I guess it makes sense that I am having a sleepless night. I had even called HR to ask to be put up to work from home but they said no. They never told me why but they had set others up to work from home and to accommadate them after incidents. One was after a car accident and others were just employees. So many questions still left unanswered. I guess giving things over to God is not one of my strong suits! But, I have to wonder if I was accommadated the way I should have been when they knew of the incontinence issue and did that trigger the breakdown. So many questions. But, I do need to get some rest even if I don't fall asleep so I think I will close this edition of the blog and wish everyone a good night.

Today was a rough day from the stand point of a headache and just being tired. I did get some business done and think I have most all of my paperwork taken care of. There are a few forms to file yet but for the most part I think we are done. The girls are in bed and the house is kind of quiet. It is interesting how the quiet of the house can make you think. I have a lot of decisions to make and I will just leave it that. I did have some tremors today and the headache but that is now gone and I just feel tired. It is also interesting how I feel my family is being guided by God and all I need to do is sit back and allow him to handle everything. I have therapy tomorrow and am looking forward to it and what it brings.

Through all of this I still have my family and refuse to give up. I still suffer some incontinence issues and wonder if that will ever end but my hope is it will get better. I know my rectum is healing but it is just taking time. I still feel embarrassment when the issue arrises but there is not much I can do until it clears up. Life goes on and God is moving. We will just sit back and enjoy his work and do our best to follow his guidance and love. I hope you all have a great night and may God bless.

Today brought some good news. We found out that as long as I am considered disabled I don't have to pay the premium for the disability. I'm not sure about the life insurance yet but I do intend to port that as there are no health questions. Disability means the inability for me to do my job and given all the issues I am beginning to feel we are in good shape compared to so many others. God has richly blessed us and despite it all I would not trade my life for anyone else....well.....maybe Donald Trump without all the wives. Now that we have a diagnosis and have learned that this can last a while and even a lifetime I have to assess where I am. But, I am more determined than ever to beat this thing or at least get as much of my life back as possible.

I had a good day at therapy and even walked 200 feet with the walker. I think the Physical therapist is worried given all the falls lately. My ankles are really hurting right now but I did it and am very proud of that. Occupational therpay also went pretty well but I could not finish the final exercise because my left upper arm where the pacemaker is began to really hurt. Speech also went well. I still stutter a lot and did not do as well on the metronome exercise as I have been doing but I think that is due to the fall and that we did not have meet at all last week. But, it was a good day and with all of the issues we have been through having some good news is really wonderful.

Also, now that I have this diagnosis we have to figure out what triggered it and one thing that comes to mind is this happened was when I returned to work still struggling with incontinence. I let them know and that it was important for me to be near a toilet. I spoke with the HR manager whose name is Stan Saucier. But, where they put me was first not near a toilet and the closest I got was to a toilet that only had one toilet. When I had an issue there was someone in it. No one told me where any other toilets were so I went to where I thought there would be another. While there was and there were three they were also being used so I had to go to another floor. By this time it was too late. I called my wife from the bathroom in tears because of the embarrassment and the next day I had off and that is when this disorder hit. Is it connected? I don't know for sure but it is interesting that to this day I still struggle with incontinence and worry about being around others. I am going to go back through my blogs and see if I can find the date I called Mr. Saucier and spoke with him but if I can't find it I know the doctor's office will have it because I know I called the day I saw the doctor in March. The bottom line is they did not do everything possible to accommodate me when I informed them of this issue and it may have led to this disorder and if we can prove that and OCEA gets involved then who knows what may happen. I guess we will just have to see how God moves in all of this but it certainly is an interesting issue.

Not much to blog about today. I did get to spend some time with my buddy Jason and really enjoyed it. It was a beautiful day outside and God has given us so much. I took care of some business issues over the phone and trying to figure out what we keep and what we let go. We face some tough decisions but we are prepared and with God as our guidance we will make it.

I am a bit bruised and scratched from the fall yesterday and Saturday and I have some pain in the legs. But, I am feeling like I can move around better and my speaking is better even though there are still some issues there and I obviously still struggle with balance issues. But, there is progress because my speech is better and I feel I am getting around better. My plan now is once I am better and am able to return to work I fully intend to become an insurance agent and will make things work for our family. I certainly have a story to tell and I am not afraid to share it on how companies work and what can happen if you don't have insurance. Even though the end of my career was not handled correctly, I am grateful for the years I had and the friendships I made so the story I can tell of what can happen out of the blue should help me to help people to understand they have to be prepared for the unexpected. I fully intend to continue fighting and will not give up and hope to back as a strong and vibrant person sooner than later. I refuse to allow whatever is causing this to last a lifetime.

But, I do also fully intend to make sure that I am better and ready to return to work so that this thing. This rare disease will not come back to haunt me in the future.

Well, Emily and the girls will be home soon and I always look forward to seeing them. They bring such joy to my life and just seeing those smiles make it all worth while. So, it is time to get into some deep counseling and really face the demons of the past and allow God to heal so that my life can move forward and I return to the vibrant man I once was. It really isn't that I owe it to myself but I do owe it to my girls and my family.

So, I hope everyone has a great evening and may God continue to bless each and everyone. Have a great evening. t

Today was Church day and I will admit that I did not get to listen to the Sunday School lesson even though I had planned to. I did, however, talk and seek the advice of a trusted friend but I feel bad that I didn't get anything out of the lesson the teacher had prepared. The class has gone out of it's way to accommadate (sp) me and I grately appreciate that. This is not going to be a every Sunday event and I do want to learn from our teacher and I know as a former teacher how frustrating it is when someone is not listening. I did make my way to the sanctuary and usually I can hear a lot better but for some reason I was not able to hear as much as I usually do today. I think there is a speaker in the brides room but it was not on today. So, I tried as best I could to focus on the sermon but I'll admit I couldn't hear like I normally do. I have been known to fall asleep back there but I have tried very hard to stay awake and listen because I want to grow and now is the time for growth.

Last night my wife told me she was worried that my blogs have focused too much on the negative so I went back and read several and all I can say is I have tried to be as honest as I can and because most of the things that have happened lately have been negative maybe I have forgetton to mention how incredibly blessed I feel I am with my wife and children so I want to make sure that everyone knows that despite it all I feel blessed and loved. I would appreciate any feedback on these blogs. Does anyone read them? Are they helpful? Am I too negative? Do I show enough of how I love and appreciate all that I do have? Please be honest because I find the blogs to be very helpful for me to let out all my emotions and how I am feeling. But, I want people to understand the facts of the situation and that requires honesty.

After Church today we went out to eat and I had a pretty good tremor during the meal. Emily calmly put her hand on my leg which just her touch helps but this one persisted for a few minutes and caused a bit of a headache. On our way out I used the ramp to get to the car and of course I had my walker. Well, I fell forward. I am not sure if the walker just got away from me or exactly what happened. But, I have a pretty good scratch on my right arm and I bled a little on my left leg. I am in some pain right now but that is to be expected and I know I will have a pretty good bruise but I didn't go to the hospital and I didn't go to a doctor because there was just no need. I came home took my medicine and basically slept the afternoon away. Now, let's concentrate on the good things. First and foremost I saw the kindness of complete strangers and a very great family friend as they came together to get me up and in the car. Emily and Freda made sure the girls got out of sight because that was my first concern. I didn't want them to see me like that. I didn't know at the time but apparently Eva was crying. I think Cottia has come to realise these things are just going to happen to daddy. The other thing is ironically enough I cannot find a single splinter and the ramp is wooden so I would have expected to have some splinters but I didn't. Next, I didn't hit my tail bone which is in enough pain as it is so that is good news. All I have suffered is a few scratches and bruises but nothing other than that. The goodness of these men who helped I have never seen before and I don't know if I ever will and frankly I don't even remember their faces but they did what a true Christian would have done and we can all learn a lesson from that. So, that makes two falls in two days and all since the news of conversion disorder so I don't know if they are connected but I have to wonder.

Now to some of the better news of the day. The girls got to go swimming with mama and they seem to have had a good time. Both girls crawled up in the bed with me to check on me and kiss my boo boo. I love them so much and it is obvious they love their daddy.They were both worn out after swimming and I think they will get a good nights sleep. tomorrow is another day and the beginning of a new week. So, I want to try to do as much as I can as I can to be positive while telling the story as it unfolds. So, once again, I appreciate your feedback. Have a good night everyone and may God bless. Love to all.

Today I got to spend with my daughter and my bud Jason. We had a great time but I was worn out by the end of the day. I actually fell asleep in a chair sitting upright. I am very impressed with the man Jason is developing into and the young lady my daughter is. Cottia has an active and loving Father but Jason did not. He is a testiment to what God can do to guide a life if a person will simply allow him. I hope Cottia and Eva will grop up to appreciate what they have and how much they are loved by their father. One thing I have noticed is how both of them look up to Jason and admire him and want his approval. I could not think of a better example of an older brother for them than him. He is just a great kid and I am blessed to have him in our lives.

I did fall again today. At first I didn't think it was anything to worry about but I fell in some briars. My hands hurt and I have discovered some minor scratches on my leg. But, it will be ok. I don't feel the pain like a lot of folks do so from that point it is ok. Just another frustration for me to deal with. My toes look like that have spread a bit more and that is very painful and my right pinky toe also has spread and my right arm hurts but that could be from the fall because I fell forward and I tried to stop the fall. When I have fall backwards I could not stop the fall because of the tremors. I am looking forward to continuing to fight and will never give up.

I just feel I have to push my body and make it realize it is stronger than it knows and that is hard. The ringing in my ears is still there and the weakness in my left side is still there but I didn't feel a major tremor today just some minor ones and my hands shook. I think I will rest well tonight and look forward to worshiping tomorrow in the Kings house. I hope everyone has a good night and may God bless.

Today we saw the new neurologist and what a difference a doctor makes. He spend time with us and addressed all our questions. He did a thorough eval and answered all our questions. He actually smiled and really cared. He is also a psychologist so I kind of got both in one visit. While I expected to hear that I had parkinson's, I am glad to know that he does not think that is what it is. He is going to do a cat scan and did some lab work. But, he agrees with the other doctors that I have conversion disorder. It is strange how that made me feel. He explained the treatment is continued counseling and that it could get worse before it gets better and that some people never recover from it. I think one of the reasons I was hoping for Parkinsons is at least they have medications I can take that help but with conversion disorder there is no medication only counseling and determining the root cause of all of this. So, the drama continues but that makes three neurologist and a psychologist that all agree it is conversion so I have to accept that and really concentrate on the counseling and moving forward. I am better in a lot of ways. My speech is better all though not perfect and I am stronger in a lot of ways. When I am home I get around ok but one thing that sticks out in my mind is he said he has never seen tremors like I have so at least he saw one. I did almost fall but he was there with the student doctor and they caught me before I hit the floor. There comes a time when researching a prognosis is done and focusing more on recovery is the priority. So, here we stand with a rare condition that takes time to heal and facing an uncertain future but we still have each other and a mighty God who loves us and will keep us safe through this storm. I've lived through a lot and have a lot of ghosts in the closet so maybe God is telling me it is time to face all the hurts and issues I have had in the past and to allow him to heal them. I continue to covet your prayers.

On another note, our high school football team has looked pretty good in the preseason and I am hoping they will carry that over into the regular season and we will have a good season. I'm not sure how many games I will make if any but my heart will be with our team and pulling for them every Friday night.

Today was just another day disabled. I am finding it more difficult to do things I used to do for granted. Like tying things or even opening a can with a can opener. I can still do it but it is just becoming more of a challenge. I get some strange sensations in the back of my head. Not painful kind of like the hair standing on end. I had to put a new tennis ball on my walker and I cut my finger. Not bad. It didn't really even bleed but that too is not normal for me. I feel weaker and when I sleep I am really out. Emily called me and sent me a text while I was taking a nap. Normally in the past I would have woken up but for the last few weeks now I have slept through the ring even with the phone on the highest ring. I had a really bad tremor today but this one began in my right shoulder. It didn't last long but it was there.

Cottia seems to be settling into school and Eva is back in the routine with maw maw. Emily is back at work full time and I feel useless. I wash dishes and try to do some things but I feel I am more in the way than a help even though I try to do things. But, I should count my blessings. I can still dress myself even if it is only shorts and sandles and I can shave and shower and just hope I never lose those abilities. The pain in the feet is not as intense today but it is still there.

tomorrow we see the neurologist and I can only hope he finds some answers so we can begin to truly move forward. I am excited and at the same time nervous and scared of what we may be finding. Emily is going so that should help me remember things I would forget. I am just ready for it to be over.

I appreciate all your prayer tonight about tomorrow and will blog about what the neuroligst says.

Not much to blog about today. I had my counseling session which is always a blessing and I appreciate how my counselor helps me put things into perspective. I came home afterward and was really tired. Talking just makes me so tired. One thing is the counselor said she noticed that I had lost some weight so I may have started losing again but I can't really stand on a scale so I don't know for sure. But, it felt good to hear. We also got some good news that I won't get into but I will say that I am continuing to work hard on rehab and still hold out hope to get back to a job. We still have not heard from the short term but we have received the confirmation of the long term. I still believe my civil rights were violated by the investigator since I explained my memory issues and that I get confused and wanted my wife here yet he made sure he came when she was not able to ge here so I have to weigh how I address that. I don't want to be vengeful but I do want the truth known. So, there are some decisions to be made there. The distance between my toes is spreading and is quite painful especially on the left side. The spreading on the right side has just begun but it too is painful. The tingling in my fingers has moved into my wrist. And continues in my toes. My writing is getting worse if that is possible and filling out forms is becoming a challenge. I did get a good nap and slept well last night so that is good.

School is in full swing and Cottia seems to really enjoy it and her teachers. So far so good. Life keeps moving on and I'm grateful to everyone for their support and prayers. Your concern means so much to me and that you believe in me. It sustains me and my faith. God is still in control and who could ask for anything more. I hope everyone has a good evening. God bless.

Today was the first day of school and I am waiting to hear what and how Cottia enjoyed it. I'm sure she made some new friends and is excited about the year and seeing her friends.

As for me, I had occupational therapy and physical therapy. I told them about the separation of my toes and the pain it is causing. It is now starting in the right foot and the pain is in both ankles. My tremors are very noticeable and my physical therapist worked on the bike and some leg exercises. I was worn out but I had not been sleeping very well lately anyway so I'm sure that contributed to it. I have counseling tomorrow but no more therapy this week and while I don't like missing I could use the rest. Well, not much more to tell. I feel weaker and more tired but I have also been through a lot the last week and so an emotional rollercoaster is to be expected. The tingling in my fingers has moved to my legs and toes so hopefully the neurologist will have some answers. My handwriting is getting worse....if that is possible....and I get tired just writing my name and address. I see the neuologist Friday and hope to get some answers. I hope you all have a good evening and may God bless.

t

Today was a pretty typical Monday. There were a few exceptions. I woke at 4:30 and could not go back to sleep. I am finding it difficult to forgive the investigator. I want to and the facts are they were going to let me go anyway so I just can't get past why send him and add to the stress I already had. Then, add in the fact that I asked for where it was written and did not even receive a return call until they made the decision and it is just hard. Then, add in the fact that I called HR at the corporate headquarters and they did not return my call. But, I did get some rest this afternoon.

On another note, the new cloths that we bought for the weight loss continue to fit me so I have not regained the weight at least not yet. But, the pain in my toes are really intensifying. I still hope to make the neurologist appointment this week. The pain in the third toe on the left side is the worst and I am still dealing with a lot of fatigue. This news certainly is not helping me get the rest I need to get better. If only the corporate office had been up front with me then maybe I could have an easier time.

I told my mother in law last night and she took the news well because I think she expected it given all the circumstances and my health conditions. It is good to know that she believes in me and supports me and understands the situation.

Well, tomorrow is the first day of school for our little girl. First grade. I simply cannot believe it. She is a first grader. Time really does fly by and while I am excited for her, I am also a bit saddened by the fact that she is a little lady and not a little girl anymore. I just pray for her safety and a great first grade.

Tomorrow I will have therapy and Wednesday is counseling but no therapy on Thursday and then the neurologist on Friday so it will be a busy week. I still struggle with confusion and memory issues and the pain in the feet and calves continue to give me fits. Speech is also still an issue but I am still hopefull that I can regain most of my speech fluency.

Right now, I am just tired but I can only imagine how tired my wife is. She has been at school all day and will be late coming in getting ready for the new year. I hope it will be a good one for her and all our students.

So, have a good evening everyone and continue to pray. t

Today was Sunday and I am very glad that I was in Sunday School and even though I still have a lot of difficulty sitting in the sanctuary I am able to hear the Pastor in the Brides room. I'll admit I don't get as much out of that as I do the Sunday School class. Our lesson was on friendship and what it means. I am blessed to have a lot of friends but I am also blessed with some very close friends.

My oldest daughter had her last reading camp today so I had the youngest. We came home and took a good long nap. I really needed it and one thing has become obvious to me is rest is a necessary. I also received so much support from what happened last week and people that really know me know that I would never do anything to bring dishonor or not be forthcoming in any matter. It really makes me feel good to know that the people that know me the best know the truth and are truly troubled by the way things were handled.

But, this is a new week. A new beginning and it will be a busy one. School starts and I continue with therapy on Tuesday and counseling on Wednesday. I'm not sure about therapy on Thursday but still plan to attend the appointment with the neurologist on Friday so keeping busy and all of these things taking place in the mornings will allow me to get rest in the afternoon and really begin to put this behind me.

I forgot to mention that the colorectal doctor did say that with Parkinson's patients a lot of times it affects their colons which would explain why I can be constipated and at the same time when things begin to happen I am incontenent. So, that is just another opinion leaning towards Parkinson's. We still don't know for sure but the pieces are beginning to fall into place. We will see.

I feel pretty weak today and the pain in my legs and toes has been pretty rough but I have come to expect that on a daily basis. But, no chest pains today so that is good news.

So, life goes on and just want to get my life in order. I am grateful to all my friends and the support I have received. That is a good feeling.

Cottia spent the night with my mom last night but did not have a good nights sleep until she had run papa Vance out of the bed so she could sleep with Ma Re. She made a point of telling me how bad Ma Re snored even with her CPAP machine on!! I'm not sure how much sleep the child actually got but she had a very good time. My mom washed her cloths and we are glad to have her back home. She got to go fishing with her friend Hunter today and really enjoyed that. They are actually cute together. It is funny how I look at him and wonder how their friendship will develop through the years. But, I am glad she has a friend like him because I know his parents and the way he is being raised and that he is in Church every Sunday. To me that is very important. Emily did some house cleaning and then went shopping. The girls and I took naps and now are just waiting on mom to get home. Eva is watching Curious George and Cottia is watching something but I'm not sure what is it. Usually means Spongebob.

I had some pretty intense chest pain this morning but it passed after I took my medicine. Right now, I am just tired and ready for a quiet evening. I am hoping I can get some rest and this sore throat is just the beginning of a little drainage and will pass. At least the chest pains are gone. The separation of my toes seems to be about the same but it hurts. I am just hoping it doesn't start on the right foot. I have felt the beginnings of the same kind of pains but right now it is not as bad. I did have the knife in the right calf last week that shot down my leg which worries me but it is not consistant yet so I am hopeful it will not become a factor. We will see.

Well, tomorrow is Church and the last Sunday before school. But, I will still be busy with therapy and counseling. But, all my doctors and therapists have made a point of telling me to rest and to take naps because my body is just tired and I am emotionally drained after what happened last week. They are all concerned about a set back. But, I am determined to continue to fight. I hope the Lord leaves me on this earth for a long time and I still hope another child is in our future even if it is not ours.

I woke this morning at 4:30 with worry and I'll admit a bit of anger still towards the investigator who did not tell the whole story and so I wrote an email. I'm not sure I'll send it because I know God has a way of handling these things in his own time and way but it helped me to get out some of my frustration. I just don't want to be bitter or angry. It is just going to take some time and right now I can focus on therapy and getting better.

So, that is it for today. I hope you all go to Church tomorrow and may God richly bless you all.

What do I say about today. I had my counseling session which was a blessing as it always is. I also got the news that long term disability has been approved and can last for up to 2 years. I still hope I am able to get back to work in some form but it is also time to start the process for SSI. We still have to decide on cobra or going under Emily now or at the first of the year. I received the official letter from Colonial and the only problem I have is the investigator said I withheld information which simply is not true. I was as honest as I could be with this man. We allowed him in our home and tried to have someone here but he made sure it was just him and me so there really is no way to prove anything other than people that know me including my fellow employees and some who are pretty high up that know the person I am and also know I would never deceive anyone. Now, did I get confused? I don't know but I do know that to the best of my ability I answered all his questions and was honest and friendly and did the best I could. Now, in a way, I feel sorry for him because I just could not make a living where misleading is a part of the job. I guess in a way I feel sorry to him but now it is time to put that behind me. I am ready to move on. I can concentrate on getting better and the stress of a deadline is now gone and even though our lives are changed we as a family can move on. I am tired and in a lot of pain but life still goes on and I have to live with what has happened. I did sell the insurance products even though I did not know it was a company violation and it took being terminated to get it in writing but I did not withhold anything from the investigator.

I am grateful for the 8 years I had with Colonial and the friendships I made. I love them all and harbor no ill feelings. My counselor said it is ok to mourn like Dr Henri said and to learn to dream new dreams and to set new goals which right now is to get better and healthy so I can move on. Like I said in previous blogs, I still have my family and we still have our house and our love and faith and nobody can take that from us. God has a plan and something out there for me. I'm not giving up and while Satan is in full attack mode he has not beaten me because I have the truth and the God of the ages on my side. I hope you all have a great weekend.

I decided to go ahead and post another blog. I think the important lesson from today is I got up. I went to therapy and while I was weak and very tired, I did do some simple work in PT and spent most of my time in speech therapy talking about what had happened and how that affected my speech. I have really grown to consider my speech therapist a friend as well as a person who is here to help me get my life back on track. She always had doubts that I could do even 20 hrs a week and she said it is ok for me to go through a time of mourning because this is the end of a dream and goals I had set for myself. Now, I have to set new goals and work towards a new dream. She is so right and I will continue to work on these issues. She will be on vacation next week so I won't have speech therapy next week but we will pick up when she returns. During Pt I had to use the rest room and while getting into the rest room I stumbled a bit. I didn't fall but the physical therapist was there and he helped me so I didn't fall.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well last night. But, I was able to get some rest when I got home from therapy. Another irony of this, is that I had to update my resume prior to being terminated so it is updated and there are always insurance company's looking for good people so I have no doubt that once I am back up and running I will be able to get a job and move forward. But, for now, I am going to concentrate on getting better and restored to health. We still have some decisions to make as a family but we have also already made some of those decisions. So, while we may be down a bit, we are not our and our God is an awesome God and he is in control and that is all I can ever ask for. I just keep remembering there are always others that are in far worse shape than we are and we are still together and have each other and no one can ever take that away from us. Have a good night everyone. I have counseling tomorrow and a doctor's apt tomorrow.

I'll probably blog later today but for now I'll just say that I did not get a lot of rest last night. Needless to say the reason. But, today is a new day and God has given it to me. I will continue to fight and try to get better. It truly is all in his hands and I cannot think of a better place for any concern to be. I am very tired this morning but the day goes on and so does life. Thank you to everyone for your concern and understanding. While I will admit I am still in a bit of shock what is done is done and like I have already said God is in control.

Well today was certainly one full of emotion and disappointment. There is really no reason to hide it so I will just go ahead say that I lost my job today. I can't say that I am surprised but it still hurts. I tried so hard to make it back. I worked extra hard at speech therapy and physical therapy but it is over. I can still receive my disability benefits so that is not affected but we will either have to go under cobra or I will have to go under Emily's insurance. We are still blessed and I see God's hands all over this. Now I don't have to worry about a deadline to return to work and can actually work on my health instead of worrying about the deadline. I actually feel sorry for the investigator though. It must be difficult to have to do what he does and I know I could not do it. But, even though he wasn't truthful with me I have already forgiven him and am moving on. My girls were so sweet as they saw daddy in a wheelchair. When I went to my doctor today I had a pretty good tremor and could have fallen but they got me in a wheel chair and the doctor says that I am still a fall risk and the tremors are obviously not going away. He also agreed that Parkinson's is a possibility and we should persue that. He also said as has my speech therapist said that conversion disorder can go on for quite a while. So, the bottom line is because I sold about 6 policies while on disability I lost my job today. But, I am still disabled and that has not changed so there is a lot going on.

But, we have our home. We have our family. We have our friends. Our children are healthy and we are loved so we remain blessed and God will take care of us. I have calmed down now and am resting and look forward to continuing to work in physical therapy and speech therapy to move forward. I always have my insurance license and was told that I could sell for colonial. So, once I am healthy and back on my feet I will really work hard on selling insurance and building my life back. I have a wonderful wife and our children are the lights of our lives. Our jobs are just a ways to a means. As long as we are together and love each other nothing else really matters.

So, a chapter in my life is over. I will miss all the wonderful people I met along the way and I will miss my job but God has something bigger and better in store for me. And, now, I can concentrate on getting better rather than a deadline. I thank you all for your continued prayers and concern and ask that you would pray for God's guidance to a new and better job and that his will in our lives would be met.

Today was a major step and I mean that literally for me. I had therapy and struggled with Occupational therapy and putting pegs in the hole because my hands shook so much but I did pretty good standing and the thing that is most fun about occupational therapy is we get to play certain games and they try to see how long we can stand. While I had to lean against something I did pretty good at the standing. We played Uno and I lost best 2 out of three but I think the occupational therapist cheated....just saying! lol. So, while I didn't do so well on the pegs I did d0 pretty good on standing and am getting better. Then came physical therapy. I knew we were working up to this but I never really expected to do what I did. I did all the basic exercises and while they were painful I got through them. Then I had a new pain in my leg. I can't quite explain it other than it felt like what I think a knife sticking me in the calf would feel like. The therapist checked me out and made the comment of how tight the calf was and then when we did the upper body exercise he felt my shoulders and said they were tight too. One of the symptoms of parkinsons is rigidity or tightness. Now, It is important to note that none of my therapist are medical doctors. My speech therapist has a doctor degree but it is in speech. Anyway, The physical therapist got a cane for me to walk and it had those 4 prongs for balance. While I took it slow we walked 110 steps with the cane!! It was amazing and given that I was told by my last physical therapist to just get used to the walker it felt like such a triumph!! It was amazing. I was very tired after but I had walked on a hard floor with a cane and it means I am making progress. After physical therapy came speech therapy. Dr Henri prepared me in case we don't get any answers from the neurologist. Are we ready if he says conversion disorder again or whatever. But, she said that she felt if he does say conversion based on her observasions that the next step is MUSC or Augusta but that she thought we should take a break and just continue with therapy. She reiterated (sp) that she did not feel I could do 20 hrs a week at work but she completely understood why I wanted to try so hard and at least it would show them how much I want my job. One of her major concerns for me is safety and driving. But, the final say on that will come from Dr Griggs. Dr Henri is just very compassionate and caring and we are beginning to work on phrases that I would use on the phone. My voice is fine it is the fluency that is the issue. She also said the reason I am better at home is two fold. First, I can take my medicine and I am in my comfort zone and feel safe here so I would naturally speak more fluid than in a public setting or outside the home. She also feels as do all the therapists that there is a medical problem. They all kind of laugh when I tell them the psychiatrist said I was faking. So, I have to find a way to let that go and just move on. He was wrong and no one else believes him and that really makes me feel better. I know I am getting the best of care and forgiveness is a part of my Christian walk just like with the investigator. I have to find a way to forgive him too and I have asked God to give me a heart of forgiveness. So, today was a big day. One of accomplishment, caution, and reassuance. But, one where once again, I came home and my children were home safe and sound and my wife still loves me no matter what and God is good. Oh, one other thing, Dr Henri is from Orangeburg and I found out today she knew my Aunt Frances Rast and so there is even more of a connection there. I am just so glad I am where I am and while it may take time, I am making progress. So, it really does get back to how much will the job work with me. We will just have to see.

Needless to say today it was HOT!! But, I am continuing to work hard. I have noticed a lot of improvment in my vocal tremors and I am able to hold a more fluent conversation especially at home or with folks that I am comfortable with. But, when I am away from home or on the phone it seems to be worse. I am working as hard as I can on the issue and still hold hope of returning. I also am trying to walk more without the walker. My legs hurt a lot but it is not the kind of pain one has after a workout it is way more intense. I think we are going to start working with a cane this week in physical therapy. I am not sure what we will do with Occupational therapy but I have it tomorrow and then once next week until I see the neurologist on the 19th. I have a lot to go over with him so I hope he has the time to hear all I have to say and I hope Emily is able to go with me.

Cottia spent the night with Chloe last night but we are glad to have her back home tonight. The house is so quiet without her even if Eva is here. It was great having Jason here and he adds a lot to our family.

I had a tremor today but this was in the right hand and very much like a parkinsons tremor. Slower and more intense. I am not sure what it means but I will discuss with my doctors when I see them next week.

One of the major concerns I have is my medications. I don't know what the neurologist will say but I do know that the medicine my doctor has me on helps a lot. The problem is what will happen when I come off of it. I guess we will find out. The rest of the week will be very busy between therapy and counseling then next week I have something pretty much every day between the doctors and therapy and counseling. I just hope next week gives us some answers.

So, to end today, I hope everyone has a great night and may God richly bless you all.

Not a lot to blog about today. It was a pretty typical Sunday. Got up, the girls are now at a point where they dress theirselves. But, I still help out a bit. I tried to walk some without the walker, I think I did pretty good but I definently do the old man shuffle and there were a few times I felt I was going to fall. But, the good news is I didn't. We went to Sunday School and Church. I do remember the pain in the tail bone was way more intense but a lot of that has to do with the chairs. I could not sit even through the worship time before the sermon so I spent most of the service in the brides room where as normally, I would stay in the sanctuary during the praise and worship but I simply could not this morning.

After Church we had to get some things for Jason as he is staying with us again tonight and I bought us all some lunch. I was completely worn out even th0ugh I had not really d0ne anything but I think that little bit of walking just took it out of me. I will discuss with my physical therapist and see what he thinks when I see him Tuesday.

C0ttia had reading camp so Emily took her there then she is over to spend the night with Chloe so Emily is taking some time for herself. I made a sandwish for Eva and have put her to bed. No bath tonight but she really didn't do anything today so she is good.

Next week it a therapy week then comes the big week with my family doctor and the neur0logist. I just hope we get some answers. I continue to get confused and have memory issues but I do the best I can and try to move forward. I hope everyone has a great night and a great weekend. May God richly bless you all.

Today was a pretty good day. My ankles and hips are in some pain and the pain in the foot continues but it is just a part of my life. Emily made home made spaghetti (sp) and wow was it ever good. I know she needs a break and I think she plans to get it. My toes on the left side seem to be separating more and the tingling in the fingers is still there. I think one of the hardest things is how confused I can get and the things I forget. But, it is random not all together.

I have a tradition every year the weekend before Carolina's first game I take all my girls including Chloe on what I call Gameday with the Gamecocks. We buy the car flags for the season and usually a few other items and then make our way to the stadium and take come pictures. I told Emily I want to do that again this year. I want their lives to be as normal as possible. Emily usually drives anyway so that won't be a problem. The ain problem will be how far along I am. I know I won't be able to climb the stadium stairs but I will probably be able to make it out to the stadium to have the pictures made even if I have to sit for them. But, I will do everything in my power to make that weekend happen. I believe in family traditions and this is one that is for daddy and his girls. I refuse to give into whatever this disease is and will fight as hard as I can. Every year since Chloe was born I have done this and it will not end simply because I have a hard time getting around or even if I have a tremor or fall. I simply will not allow that to happen. Emily has her holocause meeting the weekend before the season opener so we may have to make it the weekend before that or labor day weekend. So, please pray I have the strength to do it and the girls enjoy it. We also usually end up at La Fiesta for lunch. It isn't a long day so getting worn out should not be a problem but it will be different this year and even taking a shower wears me out so who knows how it will work out this year. None the less, I still plan to make this happen God willing.

Jason is with us this weekend and we are glad to have him back in our home. He has become such a big part of our lives and we are blessed to watch him grow and to see the man he is becoming. I love watching how God is working in his life.

So, life goes on and I anticipate my therapy sessions next week and then the appointments with my family doctor and the neurologist. I really hope we get some answers and can truly find out what is going on medically.

Today was counseling day. I always look forward to my time with Glenda. We had a good session and I do feel this blog and talking with her helps me deal with the situation I am in. I don't want to speak for her but she seemed to be concerned that I would be able to do 20 hrs a week as well. But, like she says, she is not a doctor so it really comes down to the doctors and weather my employer will work with me. I know my direct manager will and feel the folks I work with will do all they can to help but it will be a corporate decision and that is the parent company. It may come down to continuing therapy or working the 20 hrs a week. If that is the case then I will probably try to go back to work and if it doesn't work out then so be it, at least I tried. I would rather give it all I have for my job and sacrifice my body and health to keep my job so I can be the man my wife and children deserve and the provider God has created me to be. I dont know yet how this will all work out and I still have not given up on doing both. But, it all gets down to the facts of my situation and a lot has to do with what the neurologist says. The stress is obviously not helping but there are circumstances beyond my control in motion here and all I can do is continue to push as hard as I can at therapy for as long as I can and see how it all plays out.

On another note, a long family friend passed today and while we rejoice in his homecoming we mourn his loss and grieve with his family. But, we know where he is and we know he is resting in the arms of his Jesus now. That is comfort enough.

I hope everyone has a good weekend and may God richly bless you. Always remember. No matter what happens in your life, there is always someone in worse shape and you are blessed no matter what your future holds because God holds all our futures and his plans are always perfect. God bless you all.

Once again, I saw that hard working Joanna helping a patient and going above and beyond her duties. What an employee!!

As for my blog, today was the hardest day I have had to date. I was exhausted after. But, I am clearly making progress. I walked on the walking bars without my walker. I still had to use the bars but I did it. It just took so much effort and I think that is why I was so worn out. My pain is still in my wrist and top of my foot but now it has spread to my ankles and hips. It really hurts but it is not a workout kind of pain. It is just pain. Speech is progressing and I am making statements but there is still tremors in my voice but my length of holding a note during one of the exercises is pretty good. My scores on the metronome have kind of settled down and not really changed. They are good but I seem to have settled in the 56 -60 range. Which 60 is good but I want and need better. My speech therapist is so wonderful and is willing to do anything to help. I have some homework and I need to get on that. She thinks I am putting too much pressure on myself and she is probably right because I really want to keep my job.

Now for my pity party. As you already know based on previous blogs my claim for disability has been and may still be being investigated. I have not heard any further on that other than they approved my claim the day after the investigator left so I assume that is good news. But, I have thought so much about this and to think that I would miss out on so many things on purpose like swimming parties and softball games and pushing the swing for my children and just enjoying them is beyond stupid just to be on disability. But, despite that the facts are those are just a few of the things I have missed out on. I know we are supposed to focus on the good things and I do try to keep a positive attitude and feel I do a pretty good job for the most part. But, I would give most anything to get in the pool with my kids. To be able to push them on the swing. Even to vaccuum the house and cut my own grass. All things I used to do without hesitiation and now I have to pay someone to do those things and others get to swim with my kids. I have to admit it does hurt and it is starting to get me down. I guess after a year I have a right. And, now, I may lose my job and then what happens. I just want my life back and I want to walk and swim and do the things I used to do. So, I guess that is my pity party for tonight. Writing it out helps but doesn't change the facts of my situation. This is my life and I have to accept that and learn to live with it and trust God and his plan no matter what it is.

Not much to post today. I did get some great news from my cardiologist and the new medicine for the angina seems to really be working and so is the new BP medicine. So, I got a good report and don't have to go back to the cardiologist for 6 months unless something happens. I am tired but getting that good news is well worth it.

I am very tired today and I think it has a lot to do with how hard I worked yesterday at therapy. Once the girls leave for swimming lessons I will go back to bed. I have been trying to figure out how I can fit 20 hrs of work in with my therapy and not having a set back but we still have some time to try to figure that out. The doctor's haven't released me yet so I am still in limbo as to weather I will be able to return to work.

so, that is about it for today. I plan on resting this afternoon and look forward to tomorrow and another day of a challenging work out and getting better. No matter what I know I am in the right place and dealing with the right place to get the treatment I need.

Today was therapy day and it was a good day! I did stand on my own without using my hands. I had tremors and the therapist had my walker in front of me and my chair behind me but I made it. My posture is not very good which is another sign of parkinson's and he did not balance tests and I did ok but still had some tremors. But, they did not take over and I was able to stand without my walker for just a few minutes and without leaning against something even if it was just for a short period of time. To me, it was amazing and shows signs that I am making progress but will it be enough to get me where I need to be and how far can I go? I don't have the answer to that but one thing I do know is no matter what I refuse to give up. During occupational therapy I stood for about 4 or 5 minutes but I was leaning against a table. I do find that using wrist weights helps with the tremors in my hands. But, the occupational therapy also said he notices the tremors in my neck and so the evidence is piling up IMO that this is Parkinson's.

Speech also went well Joanna is just outstanding. But, I am working with Dr Henri and she is really working hard to get me to where I need to be. In all honesty, they are all outstanding and HealthSouth is one fantastic place. We talked about why I seem to be more fluent at home and my scores are getting better on the metronome (sp) program. I asked her out right if she thought I would be able to get to where I need to be by the end of the month and she said she wasn't sure but we are not going to give up. But, I am going to push hard and keep working as hard as I can to get to those 20 hrs. The real question is how much will Unum/Colonial work with me to keep the job. I am making progress but is it enough and is it fast enough. That is the big question.

On another note, after I do my therapy I am so tired and worn out and in a lot of pain but pain has just become a part of my life. So, I came home and laid down for a nap. I was awakened by the laughter of the two prettiest little girls in the world. We played in the bed and the girls just giggled then Eva head butted me right smack in the nose. I thought oh wouldn't this be just perfect that she had broken my nose. But, I don't think it is broken. It does hurt and I do have a bad headache from it but I have been through much worse so this too will pass.

And so, we come to the end of another day and one or progress. I feel I am making progress and am working very hard to get to where I need to be. God is in control and we will see where he is leading us. Hope all is well with everyone and may God richly bless you.

Today I had a lot of pain and some chest pains but the chest pains have subsided. The pain in my lower legs are still there. But, I have been trying to use them more than just sitting so hopefully that is all that it is. I spent the morning with my oldest daughter. She is so easy to take care of and I treasure those moments with her. My youngest daughter is just a different child. She is a handful but I have learned when I have her if we put in a DVD she will watch it and is pretty easy to care for. The girls are continuing swimming lessons which my wife takes them to but I just feel it is so important. I have lost two uncles to drowning and I want them to have every defense possible in case the unthinkable happens. Cottia put her arms around me today and said "I love you daddy." She has said before that I am the greatest daddy ever and somehow she just knows what to say and when to say it. I think she knows that I am discouraged and worried about my future. The more I research the more I believe this is Parkinson's or some form of it which means there is no cure but there are medicines that can help and make my life better. I guess we will find out. It is amazing how alone I can feel at times even though my family and friends are great and caring there is just no way to describe how it feels not to be able to get in the pool and have an afternoon swim with my children and wife. Or how it feels to know that there are those that doubt me and even accuse me of faking. Or to know that my own company has investigated my claim and I still don't know what their findings are or what their plans are for me. Will they be willing to work with me like they have others or am I just too much of a risk and they are just waiting for the disability to be over and that is it. All of this adds to more stress which is obviously not good.

I did take a nap this afternoon because I was so tired and when I heard Emily in the bathroom I had anothe tremor. Compared to others it was not too bad but none the less it was pretty much a full body tremor. I know it has made me tired but I am determined to try to push my body as much as I can in the hopes of making it back to work. But, it truly is in God's hands.

On another note, my aunt that I love dearly has Mercer so I would ask for prayer for her. She is in a lot of pain and it is a rough time for her daughter and son so please keep them in your prayers.

Tomorrow is therapy and I know I will be worn out but that is a good thing and it means I am working out. I like all of my therapists and look forward to seeing them twice a week. But, I wonder what will happen if things don't work out and I don't return to work. How will that affect my therapy under Emily's insurance? I just don't know but I think we need to find out.

So, life moves on and my emotions are a roller coaster of joy and frustration but I keep trying and hoping for the best. One thing I will say is I do think the fluency issue is getting better. But, I still have a ways to go. I do know my doctor of speech therapy has me down for therapy through Sept. So, I have my work cut out for me and really most of my return to work depends on Colonial and Unum and what they decide as to how they will work with me.