Today was a therapy day so it got me out of the house. I am glad to get up and get dressed and get out for even a few hours. I did have an incident though while waiting to go back for therapy. There are two Thomas Taylor's and they got our schedules mixed up. Well, that is just human but it frustrated me which set off another tremor much like the one when I fell but this time there was a therapist behind me who caught me and a very nice guy who kept me from hitting the ground. I am a bit sore but at least I did not hit the floor. God was there and provided just the help I needed. My blood pressure was different everytime they took it and it actually got to the bottom number of 96 while I was sitting. Then there was one reading that the bottom number was in the 70's while I was working. It makes no sense it should have been the other way around. They did tell me that it was faint as well and one reading was 140/86 then within a minute it was 122/80. Just all over the place. But, I see my cardiologist next week so I will be interested in seeing what he says.

I did feel my pace maker working which is good and disturbing at the same time. It is an uncomfortable feeling but it is something I know about and what it is so that is good. I just feel so much more comfortable back at healthsouth and that I am getting the kind of care I should. I wish I could see the neurologist before August but I have set some goals and will discuss with my doctor next week. I already know that I am scheduled for therapy through July so I am going to ask him to work with me to return to work at least part time in August depending on how the therapy goes. The major obstacle is speech which by the way we did not do any real talking today she did more measuring of my ability to keep up with a metronome. I don't know how I did but as usual I do know I did worse on the left side than the right which is normal at this point. After therapy I was exhausted but they had a printed schedule of sessions for the rest of the month so I have it in print which is also good. I just have to make this happen by August 28th even if it is on a part time basis. I have never worked so hard and been so determined as I am now. It feels good to feel that fight in me again.

The hospital said they would request home therapy again out of concern for my well being driving and the risk of tremors and that home health should not have discharged me. But, I get better care and work harder at the hospital plus it gets me out of the house so I told them I preferred to be with them. I am in the right place and I just know God put me there so who am I to argue with that. So, that is about it. After therapy I came home and slept for a while but not too long. I just felt good about the future again for the first time in a long time and I am praising God for that.

I don't have a lot to say as today was kind of a day off. I go back to therapy tomorrow and then counseling Friday. But, one thing I did have happen today which was interesting is I cut myself with a kitchen knife. It wasn't bad or very deep but it did bleed and I felt nothing. I did not even know I had cut myself until I saw the blood on the finger. It was my index finger. Under normal circumstanes I would have felt that but I didn't today. So, I wonder if this is what the therapist was referring to about the nerve sensitivity. I will adress this with the therapist about it on Friday. That is really about it. I now know I have to be able to return to work at least part time by the end of August so the biggest obstacle is my speech. I will address with my doctors next week and with my counselor this week. I know I am not ready right now but I know what I have to do so I ask for prayers that I can at least return part time by the end of August.

Finally, Go Gamecocks!!! We repeated and it is a great feeling.

I haven't posted in a few days as we traveled to Virginia for Emily's brother's wedding. It was a very simple yet tastefull wedding set out doors in a national park that used to be an old plantation. But, I have to admit the trip was stressful for me. Friday morning I woke about 230 or 3 with intense chest pain. I had to take my nitro 4 times before it finally calmed down. I went back to bed about 6am but slept almost the entire day on Saturday. I felt guilty but I was just so exhausted and almost went to the hospital but it passed so I went on. The trip home was uneventful and the girls were great. I watched the Carolina baseball game last night which was even more stressful than the UVA game and did not have any problems with the chest pain so I'm not sure what happened. I had a little bit of a stomach issue and was wound up after the game but finally did go to bed around 3. I am hoping the Gamecocks put the game away early tonight but that is not their M.O.

I had therapy and actually got some great news! At least I think it is good news. During the occupational therapy they do a new pain sensory test. It was not consistant and they said they wrote in their eval uncertain. The therapist said it shows there is something going on with the nervous system. It is the first real medical evidence that there is something more than emotional going on with me. I know it sounds strange but I am rejoicing in the fact that now there is some evidence and she even suggested I try to get my appointment with the neurolgist earlier than August so I called the Dr. office and I am being put on a hold in case their is a cancellation. Speech therapy went well. There are moments of great fluency and then there are moments of frustration but I do think it is getting better.

On another note, I did get my notification that my employment would end with Colonial August 28th if I am not able to return to work at least on a part time basis. I expect to be able to accomplish that goal and one thing I need to work with human resources and my doctors is working part time to start with and working from home. I know the occupational therapist suggested that so hopefully that will work out.

Well, I guess that is it for tonight. I have to get ready for this baseball game. Sure hope the Gamecocks pull it out tonight and we don't have to go through another game. But, I feel I had a good day and just to know that there is now some physical/medical evidence that there is more going on than just conversion disorder has made all the difference in my mood and spirit so we will see where we go from here. But, God's hands are all over this!!

Emily made it home safe and sound and we are so glad to have her back. The girls got to go swimming which is something I know they have missed as I can't take them due to my health. The best news is we made it through the last few days. Now, tomorrow she goes for a root canal then we have to pack but not too much to go to her brother's wedding in Virginia.

I really don't have much to blog about tonight other than the tingling is now in the bottom of my right foot and the pain in the left foot is there but not as bad today. I really didn't do very much today other than rest. I expect tomorrow to be pretty much the same thing then next week begins outpatient therapy. I am excited about that because I know they will really work me and while it will be painful I think it will be the best way to get me better and hopefully stop this weakening of my body. I just don't want to go back in the hospital so hopefully all of this will be outpatient and another good thing about it is it will get me out of the house which is a good thing. So, life goes on and God continues to work.

Today I went back to Healthsouth Rehab hospital. This is a place I feel safe and I was evaluated for outpatient Occupational, physical, and speech therapy. The speech theraptist said she thought she heard tremors in my voice that is the first time I have been told that but I wonder if the tremors that have been happening have just moved to the voice box so it may be new. It felt great to get out of the house and it was great to see some great folks that helped me through such a hard time. I will be seen twice a week for all three therapies but we don't know for how long. August was mentioned but I guess we will see. We did discuss and it was felt and agreed that I should remain out on disability while going through the therapy. I know the therapy will be more intense and I feel it will speed up my recovery so I am not giving up. Amazing how God provides that lift just when it is needed. I will say the pain in my left ankle was very intense today and when the physical therapist did his eval it really hurt. I had a few tremors but nothing major compared to other tremors. All in all it was great to be there and I am glad we can do this outpatient because it will get me out of the house.

The girls are back home and I have put Eva to bed. She does not seem to be feeling too well but hopefully she will have a good nights sleep which means I will have a great nights sleep. Cottia helped out as well and I am glad they are back in the house all though I do miss their mother. I am very tired from today and the pain continues in my left heel and foot and a little in the right but once God has a plan and he is in control. Emily comes home tomorrow and It will be good to have the entire family home again.

Today's was interesting to say the least. Emily left for Hilton Head and the girls are staying with Maw Maw so I am alone for the first time since all of this began. My mom wanted me to come stay with her but I really wanted to stay on my own. I took the girls to VBS because I felt it was important for them to be there and Judy took them home after. Tomorrow is a very big day for me. I am not supposed to drive but I really don't have much of a choice. I am scheduled to be at the rehab hospital at 830 and should be done by noon. I am hoping it will be sooner than that. I am worried about driving but I have to go and there really isn't anyone else who can take me. I am being evaluated for all three therapies but I don't really think I will need very much speech or occupational therapy. Physical therapy is what I feel I need the most. It will have to be out patient so I will have to drive which means I will have to not take my medicine until I get home so we will see how it affects the tremors. The big thing is I just don't want to be put back in the hospital. The girls will come home tomorrow but I can manage for a night then I will take them to VBS and Emily will come home. After all, that is what dad's do. I love them so much and the house is so quiet right now without my family. The pain in my foot has now moved to my pelvic area and I am having PVC'S again but that is just a part of my life.

Emily got some rough news and is looking at a root canal which will not be pleasant. But, it will give me the chance to take care of her which I enjoy. I just want to be able to do things like I used to. One thing I miss the most is getting in the pool. But, hopefully I will get the all clear on that soon. Once they have figured out the tremors then I should be able to get back in the pool. I feel so weak and the pain is pretty rough but I think about my wife and how she must feel and just pray she will be ok.

So, this is another day in the life. I don't feel as depressed but I do feel down. I still trust God and that he is in control. Without that trust I don't know where I would be. I want to sell some policies so I am going to start soliciting some more. I can do online now which is cool and helps me with not having to be out of the house. So, hopefully I can write some business which will help make me feel like I am contributing.

I didn't blog yesterday because I really didn't do very much. I was in a lot of pain which has continued today. I did get up and go to Church and my wife and girls took me out to eat for lunch. My wife said she wants me to speak with my counselor about being depressed. I have felt I was getting depressed for some time and my wife is right in saying that I have a right to be but it isn't like it was before when I became so depressed after my dad died. My body just feels like it is getting weaker. The pain in my left foot is really intense and now that it has moved to the right is really beginning to worry me. I am more concerned that I will have to be on pain medicine for the rest of my life. That is really all I will say about my health today.

I do want to say what an honor it is to be the father to Cottia Caroline and Eva Marie. They bring great joy to my heart and soul. My body may be weakening. I don't know but my heart of love for these two little girls is growing stronger as the days pass. The body may give out but the heart of love will never weaken for these two little ones. Life is blessed when you are a dad.

Most of the pain today was in my foot and lower back. I had the tingling in the left arm again and the pain in the left foot was and is right now very intense. So, there really isn't much new to tell I did have a tremor so they are a daily affair but this evening I took my little girl fishing. Now, that doesn't sound like such a big deal but to me it meant everything. I got very tired after only about an hour where as I used to fish for hours on end but the important part was the time I spent with my daughter and that she caught two fish!!! I caught a few myself and it was one of those days I will never forget. My mom came along and helped me out some but all of the worm changes and removal of the fish from the hooks was left to me. I don't know if I can truly explain how much it meant to me because for just one afternoon I felt like her old daddy again. I had my walker and I had to sit the entire time but it was so worth all the pain I am in right now. Spending time with my daughter means more to me than any pain I may have to endure. Thank you Father for this one afternoon and the joy it brought me. I may get other Father's day gifts but none will compare to this afternoon. Just a special day.

Not much to say except it's 5:10am and I woke up with chest pain and some sweating in the bed. So, I decided I needed to take some nitro again. I washed some dishes and took out the trash even though I am not supposed. I even went ahead and took Emily's stuff out to the car so I don't have that to worry about when they wake up. Eva was awake. It's as if she knows I need her. So, I got her out of bed and put on a fresh pull up and loved on her for a little while then put her back to bed. I am going back to bed in a few minutes. The nitro and the aspirin I took seem to have helped. It usually takes about a half an hour and I am beginning to get some releaf now so hopefully I can get some rest before the rest of the family wakes up. At least I don't have any appointments today so I can rest the day away. I really think I need it. The fact that the nitro helps does worry me a bit because that means it is my heart but the fact that it helps also comforts me because it means I don't need to go back to the hospital. So, I am going to try to go back to bed and get some rest. I hope everyone has a good day.

Today, I feel a bit weaker and have been a bit shakey. I'm getting tired of complaining and spending time on everything that is wrong in my life. I am in a lot of pain and wonder why it continues. I did find out today that I have an appointment with healthsouth outpatient on Tuesday. They will evaluate me for physical, occupational, and speech therapy. I will have to get there but it is time for me to start retaking my life. I did have a few minor tremors today but not nearly as bad and I had to take my nitro due to chest pain. So, there you have it. The troubles for today.

But, I want to concentrate on something else today. I want to concentrate on the wife that every morning gets up and takes our children to Maw Maw's. She then goes to work and then picks the kids up. They come home and bring such great joy to my life. She then gets in the pool, not sure how hard that really is, and cleans the pool every evening. This evening she made my favorite dish squash for supper and then she gets ready for the next day. I want to concentrate on my two beautiful girls who are growing way too fast. They are healthy and they bring such great joy to my life. I want to concentrate on the fact that we have food to eat and a house to live in. We have internet access and even satelite television. I want to concentrate on life and that it is worth living no matter the circumstances. I want to concentrate on the fact that I have people praying for me and caring what happens. I want to concentrate on getting better no matter how long it may take. I'll continue to update on my health but I want to try to focus on the good things instead of what is wrong. I am afraid I am giving up and that is something a Taylor never does. God has been good to me and I give him all the praise and glory for all I have been through and all that is to come no matter what it is. But, tonight, I concentrate on my little family. We are just 4 people but we are a family and we are together. Who cares if I have to walk with a walker the rest of my life and if I speak with some fluency issues for the rest of my life. As long as I have these 3 other people I am blessed and give God all the praise for his goodness.

Another kind of slow day. I am still sore from the fall Friday and am feeling the pain in the toes from the trip Saturday. I just wish the pain would go away but it seems it will continue no matter what. I did do a little around the house this morning before Emily and the girls left because I was worried I would fall and wanted to do some things because I am tired of my days feeling like they are meaningless. I went back to bed around 12 after taking the pain medication and slept until Emily and the girls got home. They went swimming and I decided to go outside with them. Even though I am not comfortable getting in the pool I did enjoy watching them have so much fun. I gave the girls a bath and got them ready for bed after the swim and am exhausted again. It amazes me how tired I get doing just the least little thing. But, I manage to wash dishes and try to help out as much as I can.

I do have an appointment with a neurologist in August which was set up by Dr. Westerbrook. I will be curious to see what he has to say but the earliest we could get in is August. In the mean time, I am going to try to get back into outpatient physical therapy and to strengthen my body. So, life continues and I continue to be a mystery!

Today I am in a lot of pain from the fall but I am getting through it and I know it will get better. But, the main news is that a new and good friend came and got both Cottia and me and we went fishing!! We didn't stay long only about 2 hours but it was good to be out and we caught some fish! In fact Cottia caught more than any of us! She is quite the little fisher person. We were back home by 930 and I went back to bed and stayed there until around 3. Cottia stayed with my mom the rest of the day and Eva is taking a nap. I am so grateful to God for providing a way and for the fun day I had with my oldest child. The pain I am in will eventually go away but the memory of today will last for her and me for a lifetime!! God is so awesome!!

today I had an appointment with my counselor and was really looking forward to it. Ms. June and I had such a great conversation on our way as we always do but I noticed that my left foot and leg were going numb. Then, the tingling sensation started in my left arm and it also went numb but I just figured it was par for the course and we went on our way. When we arrived at the office and I proceeded in to sign in. The next thing I remember was I was on my way to the ground. I don't remember hitting the floor but I do remember my neck beginning to hurt and my back. I took a nasty spill. I was just going to go to my doctor's office but they called EMS who came. They could not get a reading in my arm for BP so they loaded me in the ambulance. My BP was all over the place. One are was 108-50something and the other was like 150/90. But once again the left was weaker than the right. So, we made the trip to the hospital and they took my BP in both arms and it was extremely different from one are to the next but my EKG was normal and my blood work also looked good. X-rays showed no fractures so I was discharged and sent home. I am in a lot of pain right now despite them giving me pain meds. I have a feeling I will be sore for some days to come. I really don't know exactly what happened but the floor I fell on was concrete so it should be expected that it would be painful.

I am glad to be home but the mystery continues. The fall did begin with a tremor and we still don't have any more information as to why I have them than we did when this all first started so that along with the BP issues keep my doctors on their toes. My cardiologist did say that physical therapy would be fine but they want my BP to be taken before, during and after my work outs so we can see how they fluctuate in each arm. Right now, I just want to get over this latest incident and move on. Hopefully answers are coming soon but in the mean time we press on with faith and family and a lot of prayers.

Today we saw Dr Westerkam again. He is just such a great doctor and very caring. He is going to try to get me an appointment with University specialists and a neurologist there. He did say he felt I would be further along than I am and that I do need continued physical therapy. I walked for him and showed him the progress I have made which he was pleased with but still feels I should be further along than I am. He did a brief physical check nothing major and will be back in touch regarding the neurologist. He also said for me to check with my cardiologist to see how he feels about me doing physical therapy because it would have to be outpatient now that home therapy has discharged me. I may have to be discharged from the home health nurse in order to do the outpatient therapy but we are not sure about that yet. She is going to check with her manager to see. Since she is just checking my vitals weekly there may be no reason to continue that.

I did fall again today scarped my knees a little but nothing major. My back and tail bone continue to be in major pain along with the left foot and skins.

Then, there is my job. Right now they have me approved through July 5th but my doctor's appointments are with the cardiologist on the 6th, family doctor on the 7th and counselor on the 8th so I may have to take PTO to make those appoinments. I am going to talk with my counselor tomorrow. I feel returning part time for a while is the best way to go and my doctors have said the same thing. We will just have to see how that plays out. I expect there will be issues when I first return but I will overcome them as I always to. I am just ready mainly because I am tired of fighting. If my body is giving up then so be it. At least I'll go out with dignity and my family can say they knew he tried. I'm young and still have some fight in me but I'm also tired and just want to know my family is taken care of and their lives will be ok. I sound like I am writing my last will don't I!! LOL. But, if I can get back to work and do physical therapy at least twice a week then that will be fine. The problem still remains those tremors. They usually don't hit unless I wake up or have some kind of excitment that I did not expect. I will have to get clearance from my doctor about driving and also about my limitations.

Today, I thought I was doing something to help out but apparently I was not. I tried to do the girls laundry but I did not know about separating them so Emily still had to separate them. I feel so useless right now. I just want to help and even walking is becoming more and more of a chore. I try to walk some without the walker and that is a mistake but I just don't want this to be my life anymore. Yes, today is a pity party. I am doing the laundry and the original load is now in the drier. The load that ended up in the sink is now being washed. Hopefully I got it right. My back is in so much pain that I don't know if I can stand it so I went ahead and took the pain medicine. I usually try to wait till around lunch time because I know it is going to knock me out but at this point any help is needed. The guy I thought was going to be checking on my dogs apparently has not been doing so, so I had to go out this morning and feed and water them. At least I did that before Emily and the girls left just in case something happened. My chest hurt so bad last night that I took the nitro and it did help but the pains are back this morning. Sometimes I honestly feel it would be better for everyone if God just went ahead and took me home. At least that way Emily and the girls would not be burdened with a half a man instead of the man they deserve. I'm just so tired right now. I am going to try to listen to some music and relax and hope this day just passes by. If anyone reads this don't worry. I'm not suicidal just pathetic.

I do have a doctor's appointment with Dr. Westercam Thursday and counseling Friday so that should help. I want to go over with Dr Westerkam why am I weaker and feel more tired and why the tingling in my feet and legs and why my BP is so faint in my left arm but strong in my right. These are all symptoms of something and I hope he has some answers. I am also trying for another neurologist to see if there are any other answers out there or if we simply have to accept that we may never know what is wrong with me.

So, thus concludes today's pity party. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

The nurse came out and is asking for 6 more weeks to keep an eye on my BP. Once again she checked and while the numbers are not bad the fact that the left arm is weaker than the right is a warning sign then throw in the right arm being 8 points different is also a warning sign. There is certainly something happening on the left side of my body we just don't know what it is. My left foot continues to be in pain and the shin (sp) hurts and there is a tingling sensation in my left goot and sometimes in the left arm but there is a good new in that my heart rate continues in sinue rhythm. She did say the tremors are a big concern and because there is no way to predict when they will happen that it is best I contiue not to drive or get in the pool. Her point is if I go under Emily probably would not be able to get me up. Physically, I have begun to accept that this may be the best it is going to get. I want so much to be back to my normal self but I think it is time to just accept this is my life and God has a plan and I have to accept it. I don't know if I will be ready to go back to work in July even on a part time basis but I am also scared of losing my place. I have been assured my job is secure but I am naturally a worrier so it is not easy for me to just let it go and let God handle it all.

Not much to post today. I have been tired most of the day and I have noticed that the pain in my left side is now progressed to my left hand and I am beginning to feel it some in the right side. But, the most intense pain remains in my lower back. Sometimes it hurts so bad I think I am going to go crazy but there really isn't much that can be done other than take the pain medicine. I did get a lot of rest and my cousin Sherrell got my oldest daughter Cottia and they spent most of the day together with the other cousins which was fun for Cottia. They came here and swam and went to build a bear. Emily took Eva and went shopping. I have to admit that I am beginning to feel weaker and weaker instead of stronger but my left side is stronger than it was just my over all body feels weaker. I am learning that the walker is just something I have to get used to and it is a part of my life that isn't going anywhere soon. I still hope to get past it and can walk around the kitchen and bathroom as long as I have something to hold onto then I am ok but if I am out in the open I have to have the walker. It is a hard adjustment but one I think I have been preparing for a while now. But, I plan to go to church tomorrow and to practice some music. I'm not sure I will be ready to sing for Father's day but I just hope I will be able to sing soon. I just have to know that I am going to be relaxed and comfortable in order for this to work. But, God is in control and I think I will know when I am ready. I still want to sing for my girls but mostly I want to sing to the glory of the Father.

Today's blog is one of accomplishment but also one of realization that I have progressed as far as I can. Occupational therapy has now discharged me and I do understand why. I can bath myself and eat without assistance. As for physical therapy I was told that because I fall they cannot work towards a cane but only teach me how to use the walker so that is just the reality of my life. I will work with the walker and hope that some day I will graduate to a cane and evantually to walking on my own. I feel a sense of accomplishment in all that I have done but also a sense of "this is it." I may never walk without a walker again and I have to accept that as a possibility. The pain in my back is very intense so I am going to take my pain medicine and try to get some rest. I have not been sleeping very well at night because of the low back pain and now I have started having some tingling in my right leg as well. From what I understand the nurse will continue to come out and monitor me and I hope that is the case. We will see about outpatient therapy and if we can work that out. If not, then I will adjust. One thing I am going to have to get used to is going out in public and walking with the walker. That will take time but it is just the reality of my life. Maybe I'll go to Charleston or maybe I'll just accept this for what it is. I don't know the answer to that yet but for now I am done with home therapy other than the nurse and I hope she continues to come for a while to at least monitor my BP.

I decided to post again tonight. My cardiologist said that the BP issue is something we have to address so he changed my medications. It is not that unusual that BP is different in each arm but it is unusual for the left to be weaker than the right and the reading in the left was faint which is a concern. I know he wants to be extra cautious because he wants to see me back in a month. Normally he asks to see me in 3 or 6 months but this time he wants me back in a month. He did say that he does not think there is anything specifically to worry about now but this could be a sign of things to come down the road. My mom's friend has a nephew who was diagnosed with myasthenia-gravis. There is another condition that seems to fit my symptoms more though called guillain-barre symdrome. All of the symptoms in Guillian-Barr fit my situation and I think I am going to call my doctor and ask his opinion. The bottom line with the cardiologist is he is concerned and there is something wrong when it comes to my BP but he thinks the real problems will be down the road. However, it did make me think and wonder again if there was a stroke since my BP is so irratic.

On another note, the occupational supervisor is coming over tomorrow and I think he is going to discharge me. I appreciated him saying that. He did tell me that he was surprised physical therapy discharged me but apparently because I can get out to get to counseling they feel insurance will have a hard time paying for home therapy and once physical has discharged occupational therapy pretty much has to discharge. However, the home health nurse will continue to come which does not make a lot of sense when it comes to the insurane issue but I am glad she will coninue to come. I really enjoy her visits and knowing she is on her way. I feel I am being punished for being able to get out for therapy and they assumed that meant I can get out anytime. What they do not realize is I am at the mercy of someone else driving me. But, I had to tell them the truth. They all feel I should do outpatient therapy but I am still stuck with how to get there. So, I will continue my home exercises and do the best I can.

But, God has a lesson and I am still learning what it is. The journey is certainly an interesting one but one I am up for. The fact that he is in control makes the journey worth while.

This is the final week of school so at least Emily and the girls will be home next week so I won't be alone. That is good.

Last night was another one of those nights where the pain kept waking me up and kept me from getting a good night rest. I went to bed early in the hopes of having a good night but I guess it just was not meant to be. I am very sleepy right now but I have an appointment with my cardiologist this morning. I am hoping to get some answers regarding the BP issues. It probably is nothing but it is better to be checked out than to just let it go. I may blog more later but right now I am just physically tired. I also spend way too much time worrying about things I have no control over. I need to learn to let God take control and just let go. But, at least for me, that is easier said than done. So, it is off to the cardiologist to see what he has to say. I think it will probably just be a matter of changing my medications but we will see. Have a good day everyone!

Today was one of the best counseling sessions I have ever had. I am beginning to really feel free to open up and discuss some very personal matters. One thing I know is that I need to cry. It is ironic that I am a person that can cry but really letting it out and crying out built up emotions has never been easy for me every since I was a very young boy. I just need to find that trigger that will allow me to release so much of the hurt and emotions that have taken a lifetime to build up. I can't say enough about my counselor. Her warmth and care just make me feel at ease and that makes all the difference.

I continue to be in pain pretty much all day. Even when I take the pain medicine it does not go away. It wakes me in the night and is constant. It is from my lower back all the way down my left leg. Today my left arm fell asleep again for no reason so I will address that with my cardiologist tomorrow.

So, I talked about a lot of things today which is one of the major steps in healing. But, I also know there is a lot more to deal with so today was the beginning of the beginning of the beginning. It is going to be a long journey but I am now ready to truly face the ghosts of the past and put them to rest so I can enjoy the rest of my life. I don't expect it to be easy but I do expect it to be fruitfull.

My favorite part of my sessions with my counselor is the end when we pray together. I feel that special connection coming together as one in Christ.

I am going to continue to struggle to adjust to my physical limitations but it does not mean I won't have a full and rich life. God fills my life. He has given me my girls which fulfill my life and bring me great joy and he has blessed me with my wife and our home. Whatever it takes to make me whole again is worth going through. May his will be done. The physical limitations are teaching me patience. One thing the therapists all have said is for me to take it slow and learn to slow down that will help keep me from falling and helps me with my speech so that is one lesson God is teaching me through all of this and it is not an easy one to learn.