Monday, January 31, 2011

When I started blogging about this adventure I promised that I would be honest and reveal everything that happens. Today, however, brought something that I never thought would happen to me. At least not until I was much later in life. But, I also never thought I would have a pacemaker at 47 years of age. I just feel so helpless and that no one can really understand what I am going through. Today, for the first time in my life, I lost complete control of my bowel movements. The first time I was home and tried to make it to the bathroom but I didn't. I had a lot to clean up but you do what you have to. I called the doctor's office and they said it is a result of the botox and will clear up "in a few weeks." What does that mean? How long is a few weeks? So many questions. I brought a meal to a friend tonight who had surgery today and while I was there it happened again. I was so embarrassed but they were very considerate and I showered and cleaned myself up. I was given a pair of sweat pants to get me home and now I am here wondering if it will happen again. My wife wonders if I may just have a virus and that is what has caused this. I suppose that is possible but I don't feel like I have a virus. I guess we will just have to see how this latest chapter plays out. Do I go out in public? Do I need depends? Where is this going? I just wish I could crawl up in a ball and roll away. What about my children. How is it going to be for them with a father who cannot control himself? I pray to God on high that this is only a passing issue and will clear up very soon. And what about work? I certainly can't go to work craping on myself! If I had known all of this was going to happen I would not have had the surgery back in August. I know it is a string of things but it all gets back to the band surgery and I do feel that the surgery center has not given me the care I deserve. So, I will buy depends and learn to live with it for as long as it takes. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! I WILL GET THROUGH THIS! God is in control and I will follow him no matter what happens to me.
According to my cardiologist scales I have lost another 10lbs. I'm not sure that is correct though. I don't feel like I have lost anymore. I don't feel like I have gained any either. According to my scales at home I am level. It is funny that I really don't care that much anymore. I would like to lose some more weight but if I don't, I am ok with that. I have already accomplished a lot with the weight I have lost.

The incontinence is very embarrassing. I had lunch with my mom and her new husband Saturday and had a slight issue. I have always been able to control myself but now I can't. I also have noticed the white film in my underwear again which the doctor said was a sign of an infection. I will call this morning to see what is going on. I am in constant pain and can't sit still for very long. The most frustrating thing is Church. I can't sit on the pews and have to remove myself to the back of the church so I can sit on a more comfortable couch. I can get out and move around some but I am only good for about 2-3 hours. Bowel movements are extremely painful despite taking stool softeners 3 times a day and metamucil. Nothing seems to work. So, the saga continues. But, I know God is in control and still hope for improvement.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I got a great report from my cardiologist. the said my pacemaker is functioning wonderfully. My heart is pacing about 85% of the time. They did say that my heart raced once up to 150 beats a minute and it was while I was sleeping so I may have had a nightmare. It is reasuring to know the pacemaker is working as it should. they said at this rate this pacer should last at least 9 years. I felt pretty good most of the day until the evening when the pain really started to set in. I am hoping to rest most of the day tomorrow but we will see. The colorectal surgeon told me to remain out of work no matter what until at least Feb 9th. I am experiencing some incontenience which is embarrassing to say the least. I also am having the rectal spasms so they said to continue to take the medication and to soak in the tub and it should ease with time. The incontenience can last up to a year but that is rare. Hopefully it will end soon. So the journey continues.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

today I had only a few spasms they were not as bad but they were still there. I got some discouraging news as my disability was only approved through Feb 1st meaning I am expected to return to work Feb 2nd. It is strange how I feel about that. I want to go back but when I have these spasms I am pretty much knocked out for the day. I am supposed to soak in the tub 3-4 times a day which is not possible when I return to work. I know the doctor wanted me to stay out until I follow up with him which is not until Feb 9th. I called the disability area but they were gone for the day so I will have to follow up again tomorrow. I expect they will call for my records which is fine there can be no doubt it supports my disability. Hopefully it will not be a problem. I guess we will see. Still, God is in control so I will trust his will as I continue this journey.

Tomorrow I have a follow up with my cardiologist. I have been having some PVC'S but the chest pains are far less intense. Hopefully the worst of my heart issues is behind me.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Yesterday was pretty good. I still had pain but very little bleeding. I got out of the house some which was great but today is another story. The pain is very intense this morning and I have had some pretty bad bleeding. Not sure why but it did happen. Sunday I had spasms but none yesterday. I feel like I am on the verge of some today though and just hope it does not happen. Still, over all, I feel I am better. I just can't believe all of this has happened and all right together. It just seems like one thing after another. I find myself wondering what will happen next and when. I have never lived through so much. I still find myself resenting Riverside surgical because I truly feel I was put through more than was necessary. I did not need to have an invasive procedure to remove the one hemorroid and then to find out when I had the last surgery that I had 2 more internal hemorroids that had to be banded. What happened to the two I was told were banded in the original surgery? Were there actually 4 or did the doctor just not tell us the truth. I am so frustrated and feel I have suffered more than was necessary. I know this too will pass but right now I am going through more than was probably called for. I have decided that I will not go back to Riverside. I had decided to do an adjustment but now I just don't think it is wise. I will have to control my eating with discipline and self control. I have made so much progress without an adjustment that I just feel I don't need it and I don't want to go back to them.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Friday was such a good day and I am so glad I had it. Yesterday was not as good but it was still better than I have been having. Today has been another story. I have been in a lot of pain and had to remove myself from worship. I sat in the back on the couch because it was the only place that was somewhat comfortable. As soon as we got home and I stepped out of the car the rectal spasms hit. They were extremely intense so I had to take the medication which knocks me out. So, I slept the rest of the day and have only recently woke up. I do feel better right now but the tail bone is throbing right now. I just have to weather this storm. The doctor's office told me the spasms were to be expected so hopefully they will pass. I continue to work through this and people are so caring. I appreciate everyone's words of encouragement. Prayer is what has seen me through this and will see me through until the end.

Friday, January 21, 2011

today has actually been a pretty good day. I did bleed more today than yesterday but the pain was not as intense! That is so exciting to me! I am not pain free but for the first time in months I felt somewhat normal! I spent a lot of the day in bed but when I was up I felt pretty good. I don't want to get too excited as I have had some moments of encouragement in the past but this felt different. I think the best rule of thumb is the old rule of thumb. One day at a time! But, for today, it was a good day!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Today has been rough but not as bad as I expected. I woke during the night in a lot of pain. I had to take another pain medicine. I slept pretty well when I was asleep but when I woke the pain would really set in. The pain in my back is the biggest problem. My back from the lower part of the back down my leg to my foot is really in pain. My left leg is not as bad but the ironic thing there is the pain is primarily in the foot. I did have a bowel movement and that pain was pretty intense but the bleeding was not as bad as I expected. I laid down to get some rest but awoke to a very intense pain in the rectum. I mean it was as bad as I have ever had. It felt like someone was using a very sharp knife and cutting inside. I was told I cold have rectal spasms and now I know what they feel like. I just pray they go away. As you can imagine I am tired and weak. I am trembling a lot and even have some difficulty speaking. I think that is just the anesthesia wearing off. Tomorrow I will see how I feel and hope it is a better day.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I had a hard time sleeping last night anticipating the surgery today. But, I did manage to sleep some. I got up this morning apprehensive of what I was facing. We got the girls ready and took them to Judy's. Emily drove me to the hospital and it didn't take long for them to get me back and ready to go. The surgeon was wonderful. He fully explained everything to us and I felt very comfortable going into surgery. I was awake right up until the moment they got ready to start. When they moved me to the surgery room I was given a spinal. It numbed my entire lower body then, I remember them moving me to the surgery table and me turning on my back. The last thing I remember was them moving my head down and my butt in the air. I woke in recovery. My entire lower body was numb and I could not move anything. It was a very strange sensation but any woman who has had a spinal to give birth knows what it felt like. I was in and out of sleep most of the rest of the day. It took a while for the spinal to wear off but it finally did around 2:30. They gave me morphine because the pain was incredible. It did give me some releaf but not enough. Finally, I was moved to discharge where Emily picked me up. I was not awake when the doctor explained to Emily what they had done but basically he said he did not understand why the other surgeon had done the things he had done. This surgeon did not have to do any cutting instead he used botox. He also said I had two hemoroids so he banded them and that should take care of that issue. So, my question is are they new or did the other surgeon just miss them. This surgeon said I should be fine just to allow time for healing. I guess the frustrating thing to me is it appears I have gone through more than was necessary. If this kind of surgery had been done in the first place maybe I would be completely healed and back to normal. The surgeon said for me to soak in a warm bath 3-4 times a day and to take stool softeners and metamucil. Right now, I am in some pain but I just took the pain medicine so hopefully it will kick in. I hope to rest the next few days and just let things heal. What a very interesting time this has been.

On another note, according to the scales at the hospital I had lost yet another lb. God is always working!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Today I had the appointment with the colorectal surgeon. I was not looking forward to this but knew it had to be done. He came in and did a rectal exam. He could not do very much but immediately said I had a fisher and it was infected. He brought his nurse back in and told me I had to have another operation. It is outpatient and should be fairly routine. They told me it may require removing some of the rectum muscle or it may require botox but he won't know until he is in. The surgery is scheduled for Wednesday this week Jan 19th and I have to be there at 8am. I called the disability folks and they are getting the paper work sent over and have already approved my part time disability through Wednesday. My pain right now from the exam is really intense. I really hope this will take care of all of this and I won't have to go through anymore. I am discouraged but know I will get through it. I also know this will probably not be a very easy procedure and given all I have already been through I expect this to be painful. My wife is so supportive and I know she will be ok but I also know she has been through a lot with me. So, here we go again. Another month another surgery. It does seem so interesting that all of this started when I had the band. I know the other issues are probably not related but it just seems like a strange coincidence. Well, I appreciate your prayers and concern. Thanks to everyone who reads this and your support.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Last night I did not sleep very well. I just could not fall asleep. I have been having difficulty catching my breath while lying down. I am really tired at this point and just need some rest. This morning I got up to go to my gastro. On the way the gastro's office called. They had just been contacted by the surgeon's office. Over a week and the surgeons office was just now calling. I was furious. What had taken so long!! And the gastro said there really wasn't anything they could do and that I needed to see another surgeon. So, they called and set up an appointment Monday for me. I had gotten up and made the trip into town for no reason. I called my wife and said I honestly believe I have reached my boiling point. How many more mistakes will riverside make????? I honestly feel I have been more than patient with them and still I get no where. They did get the paperwork to extend the partial disability so I guess we will see if they complete them and send them back in. My boss is great and they all comment on how I am just not myself. I am able to work for about 2 hrs before the pain really starts to settle in. I am just so tired and my strength is just not there. Once I have all this straightened out I do not plan to go back to Riverside. I have decided to see if I can switch for band maintance to another bariatric center in Columbia. I feel I have given Riverside as many chances as I can. Just let me get through this and they don't have to worry about me anymore.

On another note, I lost the three lbs I had gained over Christmas and have lost another lb. I hope to lose another 10-20lbs and then that is it. I don't need to lose much more.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The work I have done the past few days has caught up with me. I was doing some things in the house today. It wasn't much just moving some videos to a box in a closet when I just gave out. I told Emily that I needed so sit down. I felt if I rested some I could get back and do some more. I rested for a little while but the fatigue never left. I did do a few other things like giving the kids a bath and playing a wii game but I am completely worn out right now. My chest is a little tight and I am having some difficulty catching my breath but it isn't too bad. Then, I realized I forgot to take my medicine this morning so I took it right away. Hopefully that will take care of this particular issue. The pain is also back and worse than it has been in a few days. I had hoped that it was getting better and hopefully this is just a slight set back. Still compared to where I was a few weeks ago, I am better. Tomorrow I am scheduled to work 4 hrs. That is good. I know I could not handle anymore than that. I am hopeful the doctor will extend my 4 hr days at least another week. I guess we will see.
Yesterday we had a snow/ice storm. It was beautiful but dangerous as well. I did not get out much but did manage to get out some with the girls. I did not lift anything so while I am in some pain this morning it is not as bad as it has been. We were off work yesterday but the office is opening today at 12. I am not sure I will try to go in for several reasons not the least of which is the danger on the roads. I have a doctor's appointment Thursday at 9 with the gastro. That appointment will go a long ways towards knowing what is going on. I still fully expect a colonoscopy to be done. I have been through them before so I know what to expect.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Last night was pretty rough after moving the wood. I took a pain pill which I am very concerned about. I also had some PVC's but they were not that big so I did not worry about them. This morning I did not go to Church. The pain is always there it just does not go away. But, I am able to function through it. I told Emily today that I am beginning to think it will always be there and that I just have to learn to live with it. I decided we needed kinling wood in case the weather gets really bad so I took Cottia with me and we went to the farm to get some. This was not too bad as that is very light wood. We found some great logs and brought it home. I went to Church for our Sunday school teachers meeting but I ended up watching the girls. After watching the girls, I worked with the praise band but sitting was just too painful. When I came home I knew we probably needed to bring more wood up so I brought two more loads up just in case. I felt the tearing as I was walking and the pain is throbbing but my wife and children will have plenty of wood if the weather turns bad. I know I probably should not have done that but it needed to be done and my need to care for my family is just too much. The biggest problem is I hate feeling like I am a burden. A lot of people have been concerned and say they will help. I know they will but asking is so hard to do. I have asked in the past and folks have responded but I know they have their own lives and things to do. I need to be able to do little things like moving wood to care for my family. I just have to realize there is a price to pay when I do that. I am also learning that living with this kind of pain is not easy but I have done it now for so long that I am beginning to think this is just the way my life is going to be from here on out. Still, as long as I have my wife and children then nothing else matters and I will be fine.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I woke this morning to take my oldest daughter to her Bible study at 10. I took my youngest daughter to play while Cottia was at her Bible study. Then, I took Cottia to eat lunch then to the farm. She said she wanted to go deer hunting but we did not have appropriate clothing so I decided it was worth taking her anyway. We went to the farm and found a deer stand. It was so cold but we climbed into the stand. It was absolutely beautiful. We didn't see a deer but we spent time together. We were not in the stand very long before she said she was cold. So, I decided to take her for a walk in the woods that I had explored as a boy. I had a hard time walking so I had to use my walking stick. We didn't walk very far but we took our time and it was just wonderful. We saw a lot of corn and deer tracks but no deer. My brother found us and said we needed to move from where we were because they were about to have practice shooting so he suggested we move to another area of the farm. We walked behind the big pond and found ourselves at the Sandy run creek. I had not been in those woods since I was a boy. It was magical for me to see her eyes. We walked around the creek and I just thought about all the memories I had in those woods and now I was sharing them with my daughter. She said she wanted to go deer hunting so we are going to get her hunting clothes and see how she does. She said she did not want to see the deer die but she would not mind killing Bambi!! I laughed at her but what a day it was. I was in so much pain when we walked out of the woods but it was so worth it!! When we left we went to my brothers store for a few minutes then to my moms. Mom made Cottia some mac and cheese then we came home. She fell asleep in the truck and I just thought about the memory we had made today. She told me right before she fell asleep how much she loved me and how she did not want the day to end. I didn't either. When we got home we needed wood brought up because of the winter weather they are calling for so I decided it had to be done. Cottia, like she always does, voluntered to help. We made several trips from the wood shed to the porch where the wood box is. The pain was really beginning to take it's toll. After the last trip I had enough. I felt like I was bleeding so I came in to clean myself. I was bleeding some but it was not as bad as I had thought. I have had some PVC's since coming in but again nothing major so far. I feel very weak and fatigued and a lot of the pain is where the pacemaker is. I will have to monitor the bleeding but hopefully it will not be too bad. It is so funny how it is so worth it for the day I had with my Cottia. I love her so very much and this day will always be one of those days I treasure. The other was the day we spent at the fair. I took a pain pill and that is helping but I don't understand why this far after surgery I am still having to take pain pills.

I am worried there is something going on in my side area. It is probably the port for the band but man it is painful.

Today is also a day of sadness for us. Emily's assistant youth pastor passed away today very unexpectedly and we lost my daddy's cousin who we simply called Suggie. Suggie lived a very long and wonderful life. Jeff was a young man who leaves a wife and children. Both are children of the king and tonight are singing with the eternal choir!

Friday, January 7, 2011

It is hard to believe but this is my 121st blog. I have enjoyed sharing all that has happened and all that God has seen us through. I have not blogged in 2 days as I did return to work 4 hrs a day yesterday. Yesterday and today I worked 8-12. Starting Monday I will work 12-4. Those are our busiest hours and we need all the folks we can get on the phones. I did find it pretty easy to follow the systems after such a long time. I guess it is like falling off a bike. But, after the 3rd hour I was really struggling. The pain is off the chain and I have bled a little. I also just feel so weak and tired. The surgeon's office was supposed to call my gastro to schedule an appointment but as of today they have not. So, I called my gastro myself and have an appointment next Thursday at 9:30. I think he is going to do a colonoscopy. I have been through them before so I know what to expect. They are not too bad just the prep is difficult. I have a feeling I will be on 4 hrs a day for a while but we will just have to see. At least I am working. That is a blessing.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I saw the doctor today. He did not want me to go back to work but I told him I really needed to try. So, he agreed for me to go back 4 hrs a day. He did say that I should not be bleeding after this amount of time. He wants me to follow up with my gastro and to have the light go up to make sure there is nothing else going on. They called my gastro for me but I have not heard anything back. I also called the gastro and will see where we go from there. I went to my office to prepare to return. They were so awesome and understanding. I will probably not be on the phones for at least one day and will have to work my way back into taking calls. It is not going to be easy but I do feel I need to at least try. If it does not work out then I will have to come back out. The pain is really intense today so hopefully I can get to the bottom of this very soon. So, this is the end of full disability for at least a while. Am I ready to go back to work? No. But, I do feel I need to try.
Today is a big day. I see the doctor this morning at 11:30. I have already been bleeding today so I guess we will see what the doctor says. I am hoping to go back to work 4 hrs a day to start with then working my way back into full time. I do think that is the best thing for me to do. I also know they have scheduled a band adjustment but I really do not want to do that. I do worry that I may have regained some of weight as I have been eating a lot lately. But, we will see. I will plan to blog again this afternoon once I have seen the doctor and know what he says.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Today has been rough. The bleeding is worse and to be blunt I am going to probably have to throw away my underwear. The pain in the rectum is also continuing to get worse. I called the doctor's office to schedule my appointment earlier in the day. I don't know if he will say I can return to work or not but I have to know before the afternoon. If he continues the disability then we will once again face having to have it certified which will probably require more paperwork and as history has proven that takes time with my doctor's office. I really don't think I need that kind of stress again. I really wish I could go back part time and slowly return to full time. But, I just don't know how that will turn out. I also continue to worry that more is going on than just struggling from the rectum surgery. My heart does seem to be doing better even though I continue to have PVC episodes. I have not had an angina attack in a while so hopefully that is subsiding. All in all I do think things are better but it does continue to be a struggle.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Today the bleeding was really bad. The pain is also up today for some reason. I assume it has to do with the work I tried to do yesterday. I am also concerned that I am eating more lately. I will be surprised if I have lost anymore weight. In fact, I do think I will have regained a few. I realize that is to be expected during the holiday season so I am not going to beat myself up over it but I need to be sure to get it back under control now that the holiday season is over. I really don't think my body is ready to return to work but I also know I really need to try. If I go back and have to come back out that is ok. A lot depends on what the doctor says Wednesday. Tomorrow will be another busy day and that is good and I guess we will just have to see how this all works out.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

We took down our Christmas decorations today. That is always so sad to me. I love Christmas and this year was even more special with us being home and the girls really grasping what Christmas meant. My oldest daughter said she loved Christmas because it was about giving. Then, she said she wanted it to continue so she could find people to give her more gifts! LOL, well, she does have her priorities. We got the decorations down and now I am really paying the price. My body is in a lot of pain and I am exhausted. I feel so inadequate anymore. I try to do things and my body just does not have the strength it used to. Even this morning in Church I could not stand the pain just sitting on the pew. I had to once again get up and move to the Bridal area to be comfortable. The pain is not just in the rectum but all over my body and somehow I am supposed to return to work this thursday. I see the doctor Wednesday and hopefully he will at least do an exam and not just ask me how I am feeling. I know I have to return but I also know my body is just not ready. I appreciate the continued prayers. God is faithful.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

It is a new year and with new years come new hopes and new opportunities. I am so thankful for all that I have and for all that is yet to come. God has been so good to us and he continues to amaze me with his love and guidance. I am still very weak and tired but I am alive and I have a wonderful wife and two beautiful children. The pain is also still there but it is getting better. I am scheduled to return to work this thursday but honestly I know I am not ready. I am hoping it won't be too hard to get back in the swing of things. I guess we will see. So, a new year is here and it is going to be exciting!