Well, the in-laws have all returned home and the house is back to normal. But, it was nice to have them here and to celebrate with us Cottia's special day.

Today did not start off very well but at the urging of my wife I decided to go to the Sunday School class instead of going out to the worship team. Her reason is valid because she is concerned I am not being fed the word and I am glad she cares enough to speak up. But, I do try to read things on the internet from time to time but still it is not the same. However, I am scared of sitting up close to the class because of the incontinence and I thought I was contributing to the worship team but I dont really think I was. So, I sat at the back of the class in case I needed to make it to the bathroom I could hear and make it if an incident happened. As for the worship team I started out sitting out close but would not be able to make it to the bathroom so I moved to the back where I could be close to the bathroom in case I needed to get there. People just don't realize how embarrassing that is but it is a fact of my life. But, I agreed with her that I am not getting anything out of attending the one hour of practice and since I dont go to the other practices going back into the Sunday School class was the right thing to do. I don't think she knew that I did not sit up front during their practice but rather sat in the back just in case. Well, of course the Sunday school class was probably exactly what I didn't need today. Our teacher talked about adoption and how his two sons are planning to adopt. This is a subject that is very close to my heart and something I have always felt I was meant to do but with my health and age the chances are very slim. It's not that I am happy for the teacher's son and even offered as much advice as I could but my emotions were broken. I felt so sad that the one thing I felt the most secure in that I could do in my life is to adopt a child is probably not going to happen. I have never cared the color. gender or really even the age only that I had adopted. Now one might ask why is this such a sensative subject to me. That is a fair question and the answer is I feel most Christians are such hypocrites in that we oppose abortion. We even lobby legislatures and base our votes on this issue yet we are not willing to step up to the plate and adopt these children which makes us in my opinion very hypocritical. I hope someone from our class will step up to the plate and adopt a child and not base it on anything other than a child that needs a home. Who cares if it is white, mixed, black, native American or even their age or male, or female. A child is a child and while my dream and hopes have faded to being basically erased it does not mean that I am not as passionate about the subject as I ever was. I am now 48 and Emily is 41 and us being given a baby by adoption is pretty slim. We have taken in kids through the years and loved them as our own and even now our home is open to a young man that we love as our own but that step to adopt is probably gone. Now the subject of the lesson was to step up to the plate basically but it has led to a day of deep sorrow deep in my soul and a void I had thought was gone but is now reopened. Don't misunderstand this blog. My girls and my wife make my life full and filled with joy because of them. But it does nothing to lessen my pain and sadness today and all because I went to Sunday School. I will continue to go to Sunday school and I love everyone in there but this is the deepest conviction I have in my life regarding what I was meant to do. I know people will respond to this and their will be words of encouragment and I appreciate it but for now, I just need to process this pain and at the same time be happy for the two children that will be in homes where they will be loved and cares for. I am more than willing to offer any advice and I am sure my cousins that have adopted will also help in anyway they can but for me unless there is a miracle adoption is not an option. I told the worship team that I will no longer be able to help out and Emily is right because I do go back to the bride room during the sermon and usually fall asleep about half way through the sermon but the pews are very painful for me. But, I do the best I can and at least my girls still see their daddy going to Church so hopefully they will grow up realizing that despite it all he made time to be there and that will be a good example for them. I just want to be the best Father to them I can be and even though the pain is real and the incontinence in embarrassing I have still made it to Church to set that example that I hope will be with them for the rest of their lives.

So, that is it for today. A day of sadness and a void I thought I had learned to live with opened again. Now, I have to figure out how to move on. But, I will. I always do.