I wasn't sure weather to blog again but I fell again today so I felt I should. Emily was in the bathroom and I was talking to her. I am not sure exactly what happened but I fell on my right side this time. At First I didn't think I had hurt myself but after a little while I began to notice the pain in my ankle area. We had a Sunday School picnic and I could not enjoy myself because the pain was really beginning to increase. There is some bruising and a little swelling but nothing major. Fortunently my falls have taken place when there has been someone here.

For the first time I have begun to think that Emily and the girls would be better off without me. Not that I plan to kill myself or anything but to have a person who is becoming more of a burden and less of a man isn't much of a husband or father for that matter. I know I am feeling sorry for myself but right now all I want to do is crawl in a corner and not come out. There just seems to be no end to this and I know Emily is frustrated. She deserves so much more than I am giving her. I tried to make her birthday as special as I could but even in that I feel like I failed. I have no idea how long I will be disabiled. Is it going to be permanent? So many questions and so few answers. But, the tremors and falls continue and the world goes on.

I think the hardest thing for me tonight was watching all the fathers playing kick ball or throwing the ball with their kids and all I could do was sit and watch. My girls deserve so much more. Again, to be clear, I'm not suicidal but there are times I feel if he takes me home the family would be much better off than dealing with what is turning out to be less than a man. I promised to be honest in these blogs so this is about as honest as I can get. I don't want to go to anymore of these functions. I just want to stay home and continue with my therapy and then when I am ready and strong go out in public. Right now, I just want to be left alone.