Today has not been the best of days. I am now experiencing a lack of control when it comes to urination. I am just wondering if this will ever end. Maybe it is a sign that things are actually getting better. Who knows. I just never expected any of this. One thing that has come about as a result of all of this is I have begun to question what is God's plan for my life. I thought it was all falling into place. But, I have developed such a burden for those on disability and especially our seniors who are taken advantage of so much that I want to help. I got my insurance license and can now help with final expense and medicare supplemental insurance. Seeing how my mother has been taken advantage of also has helped me to feel this burden. Then, because I have had so much time I have began to question things I thought I was secure about. Am I a good Father. Am I a good husband? Am I a leader or a follower? Most people have always talked about me as being this great example of a husband and father and yet I wonder how much more I can do? What would my wife and children say if they are asked these questions. When I am gone will people answer the way we are all expected to. Oh, he was such a great husband. He was such a wonderful father. He was such a good man. He did so much for so many people. These are all answers we give when someone dies but is it real? Does it truly apply to me? If these comments are made, are they real? I want my legacy whenever that comes to be one of honor, integrity, love, committment, and patience. I want people to look at my life and say gosh, I wish I had lived my life the way he did. I want my children to be able to hold their heads high when someone speaks of their father. I have the great honor of being able to say that about my dad. He was not perfect but he was and is to this day the greatest man I have ever known. I hope my children will be able to say the same about me. tonight is a time of reflection. I am not sure why but it is. I am beginning to realize that this summer I will be 48. My dad passed when he was 52. I am 4 years away from outliving my dad. Kind of humbling when you think about it. After all that has happened and still wondering if it is truly coming to an end I guess it is only normal to wonder these things.