Cottia had a great time last night with Ma Re. She really loves going down there and I am so glad because it is a part of her heritage and hopefully her future so I want her to love the farm and what she has been given. Eva is growing like a weed and I look forward to the day when I can take them both fishing and be able to spend the day on the pond. Right now, that is just not possible but hopefully it will get there. It is interesting how life turns on a dime. I got to spend most of my day with Cottia and while I had some tremors develop as the day went on I felt more and more of them come on. I wanted to have a day without having to take the medication that keeps me calm but I was not able to.

The pain in my left leg continues to baffle me. If this is in my mind then why does it seems to be increasing. I just want it to end and I know Emily does too. While I do more than I should I am still not much of a man. I have to admit that I wonder if Emily and the girls would be better off without me. A man on disability and a disability that may not go away. Do I really have a life and anything to offer? Or, am I more of a burden. I guess that is a question only they can truly answer.

I am finding myself not wanting to be around people at all anymore. With the exception of my family and a handfull of friends and even then I just want to be left alone. I find myself fearing a tremor or a fall and scaring others and their children. I continue to struggle but I am able to take a hand full of steps as long as I know I have something to grab onto. I know I keep saying how I trust God and his plan and I do but right now I just need to be allowed to have my self pity while at the same time wondering what will happen to my family and my precious girls. What and how will God provide and will I recognize it when it shows it's face. This is one night when I can truly say I am sick of it all. The pain, the tremors, the confusion, the memory issues, the falling, the therapy, all of it. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day as I have therapy and have to keep pushing forward despite it all. No matter what, life does go on.