Another day of not much to report. I had counseling today and that went well. I felt my speech was better but I still stumble around. The actual tone of the voice though is not too bad. I've tried singing some from time to time and I feel singing will help and help the vocal cords so I am going to try to sing some more every day. I need to talk that over more with my speech therapist but I can sing it is the speaking that is the issue. Funny how that is but it is true with stutters and those like me who suffer with fluency issues. I just don't want to lose my ability to make music. It has defined me for so long and has always been the one thing I can rely on so if I lose that it would be just devastating. I already know that it is harder and my voice has gotten lower but I think that has stopped so maybe that is a good sign. I showed my therapist where I could feel pain and that is also interesting. It seems as though it is in my bones and beneath the skin but not on the skin. And it is on the left side not the right. Just very strange. But, tomorrow I have a CT scan and I expect it to show nothing and I will still be stuck with conversion disorder as the diagnosis even though deep down I truly believe there is something else going on.

The girls had awana's tonight and they really seem to enjoy it. I'm glad they do but I wish it did not last until 8. That is a bit late to me especially for my youngest. But, I guess I have to go with what the Church decides. So, that is about it. The girls are in bed and I pray they have a good nights sleep and rest in God's arms.

I'll have to admit I don't feel like I am much of a daddy to them in the state I am in. I have said that before but there really are times I feel Emily deserves so much better than I can provide and the girls deserve a daddy that can at least go swimming with them. I would die for both of them and for Emily but sometimes you have to wonder what is best and how you can do the best thing for them. Don't get me wrong and don't read more into this than there actually is. But, I wanted so much for Emily to have a strong and healthy husband and these children to have a good daddy who is able to do things with them and instead they have half a man who walks with a walker and stutters when he talks and does not even have a job right now. Not exactly the life I had envisioned for them. No matter where our lives are headed my love for them will never change and will never diminish but I do wonder if Emily would be better off with another man who can really love her and treat her like she deserves to be treated. I don't think I am that man at least not in the state I am in. The irony is that I still want another child. How selfish is that. But, that is my heart and I guess it is not going to change.

Ok, enough of another pity party. Life goes on and tomorrow will bring new challenges and new opportunities. Let's see what God has in store for tomorrow. I pray everyone has a good night and may God richly bless you all.