Today I saw my family doctor and he said to keep with the exercise and that the pain will increase and I just have to learn where the limit is. He did say that I have already done most of what I can do I just have to continue and keep up the exercise unless my cardiologist says otherwise.

It was a rainy day so I came home and got caught up on the rest I had missed from the other night at the hospital. I got a very nice call from my therapist yesterday checking on me and that meant a lot and today the Dr of speeck therapy called which also meant a lot. I'm just ready for all of this to be over but I have to keep fighting.

Cottia did not have a good night. But, some of it was my fault. I helped with homework which is never a good idea. I'm just not as smart as Emily and I thought the child had formed sentences but she hadn't. Emily had to get her shot so I thought I was helping but when Cottia found out she had more homework to do she had a major breakdown. I felt really bad but I made sure to take responsibility for it because it really was not her fault. Hopefully we both learned a lesson from this.

Well, that is about it. I am hoping the pain in my legs will get better and so I have to try to keep moving even with the walker. So, that's about it. The girls are in bed and Emily is hopefully able to get some rest and will be able to make the game tomorrow so she can get away from it all. I pray you all have a great evening and may God bless you all.

t

Yesterday was therapy day and while doing physical therapy they noticed that again my left leg was tight and it was in pain. It was colder than the right and they became worried about a blood clot so the doctor sent me to the ER at Palmetto Richland to have a dobler study. So, I went there and waited in the ER for almost 3 hrs to go back. I really didn't mind that too much because there were people there much worse than me. But, It was just frustrating to wait that long. So, a recommendation. Always take an ambulance when going to any ER. Well, finally they got me back. I was having some chest pain so they did the normal blood pressure checks and some blood work which was normal. The dopler showed no clots but that I have Perpipheral Vasclar Disease. So, I guess that just means one more item to list on my check off of illnessess in life! LOL. But, I did get down and finally when the room was empty had a cry. I don't think I let it all out but at least I let my emotions out. They said they really had no answers but could see where the toes were separating and the swelling and my reflexes in the left leg are slower than the right and it has less sensation so I think that is why this diagnosis. I am supposed to follow up with my doctor and cardiologist. Well, as they were getting ready to discharge me my blood pressure went to 190/135. I dont think it has ever been that high so they decided to keep me a while longer for observation. It was already around 11 maybe even a little later and I was ready to go. So, they gave me some BP medicine and the BP did start to come down so they sent me home. Well, I thought they always took you out in a wheel chair but they were not going to do that so I had to walk. It would have been the furtherist I have walked since all this began. I'm not sure what happened but as I turned the corner on the way out, I remember seeing the door to exit and getting excited. The next thing I remember I was on the floor and had fallen again. I'm not sure but I think I hit my head on the floor because I began to develop a headache and my neck hurt. Plus my left elbow was hurting so they took me right back to the same room I had been in. I asked to be allowed to just come on home but the doctor said no. I felt I was already half way to my car so just help me get there and I would drive home. But, I do have to look at it from their point of view if something happened then they could be liable so I do understand. Well, they kept me for probably about another hour to an hour and a half. Did an x-ray of the elbow and it was fine and gave me some tylenol for the headache. I was still a bit dizzy but nothing I did not think I could handle. So, the hospital called a blue ribbon cab to take me home. They paid for it but I asked again to be allowed to just drive myself. We live so far away. But, the cab driver was a nice enough lady and I was able to share my faith with her on the way home so maybe that is why all this happened. Who knows. I got home between 2:30 and 3am. I went to bed and got up this morning to see the girls off. I wanted them to see me so they would be reassured that I was ok. Now, I have to get back to get my truck. I did get some rest today but am still a little stary eyed and dizzy but not too bad. So, just another day in the life. But, the good news is there was no clot just the vascular disease.

Now I am waiting on Emily and the girls to get home. I do have two doctor's appointments tomorrow and hope I can make them but we will see. I don't feel down right now just tired.

I can't wait to see the girls and their new haircuts!! They are getting hair cuts today and so is Emily so it is some good mother daughter time and I think that is very important. So, I will continue with rehab and enjoy my family and all God's blessings. Our of all of that if my sharing my faith with the cab driver was the reason and it changes her life or makes her thing then it will be worth it. Her soul is precious in his sight and if I have to go through some pain for her gain then so be it. I have been so selfish through all of this and have blown opportunity after opportunity to share my faith but I didn't last night. Late in the night as we rode home from a very long day. There is always a reason and a way to share we just have to look for it. Well, that is my story for yesterday and really today. I hope everyone has a great night and May God richly bless you.

t

Not a very eventful day. Cottia was sick last night and we had to clean her room. She had the same thing I think Emily had and now Eva has thrown up just a little so we are hoping she is not getting sick. But, there is a little bug going around. I am just tired. I did get some rest even though a very stressful event took place. The chest pains came back but I took my medication and it helped. I was able to relax. My biggest concern now is where do I go from here. I plan to continue with rehab and hope to continue to make progress. There is no doubt that I am making progress but it is slow and that is frustrating. I just hope the girls get to feeling better. The day was not a complete waste. I did manage to do some laundry and got some rest. Tomorrow is therapy and I am looking forward to getting back into the routine. I did have some tremors today but nothing that I am not used to. They are just a part of my life. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and continue to realize there is always someone else far worse off than I am. I just want my life back. So, that is about it. The pain in the left leg continues but again it is something I am just used to. Life goes on. Speech is better but when I am nervous it gets far worse and that also seems to start tremors. But, we will continue to strive forward and let God lead. After all, he has the final word. I pray you all have a great night. t

I'm not sure if it was worrying about what I am going to do about a job and my family. Or, if it was just that my heart was acting up. But, I was up a lot last night with chest pain. I had to take the nitro spray 3 times. I know it wasn't acid because I took tums and my perscription. It took the nitro to calm it down all three times. Then, my entire lower body went numb. But, it didn't last long and now is ok. I'm not sure what happened there but needless to say I stayed home from Church. I went back to bed about 10 and slept until 5. I just have decided it is not worth us putting our anymore money just to be told that it is only angina and I'll just have to live with it. I have been enough of a drain on this family as it is.

Right now, I feel ok but tired. I did have pain in the jaw and some in the arm but that has happened before so I just take it in stride and move on. Hopefully there is nothing major going on and I will be ok. I just feel bad that Emily once again was left with the girls and I did not get to spend very much time with my daughters today.

When I did get up Eva was so cute. She decided to take care of me. She got her little doctor kit and gave me a shot, took my blood pressure and took my temperature. She would make a good doctor. So, that was my day. Not exactly the day I had envisioned.

We were happy to have Jason over last night so he could go to Church this morning with us this morning and I hope he had a good time. I'm sure he had a blessing from attending the service.

Please pray for my Aunt. She has been taken to the hospital with her heart and I love her dearly. Also, please pray for my cousin's son who is in the hospital as well.

I hope everyone has a good night and may God bless.

t

Today I had pain in the left leg again and the toes seem to have spread a bit further apart. But, I did not have any chest pain so I am focusing on that and am glad to report a chest pain free day.

I had two old and dear friends come over and eat lunch with me today. They brought the sub sandwiches and I provided the sweet tea. It was great to see Guy and his sister. I have not seen him in years and he is not on facebook but I do see his sister via facebook. It was just nice having someone in the house. They visited for about an hour and I wish we could have had more time. But, I was getting tired and they had business to conduct. As soon as they walked in I had some tremors but not too bad and I know it was just the excitement of seeing them. But, I calmed down and we had a great visit. After they left, I was able to get some rest and now I am watching the girls while Emily goes to the game. She deserves a break and I know how much these games mean to her. The girls are old enough now and have learned how to take care of themselves so really all I have to do it put them to bed so it is just me and my girls.

Tomorrow Cottia is taking part in a cheerleading camp. Not sure how I feel about that. No offense to cheerleaders but I would prefer if she did not do cheerleading when she is in high school. But, it is her decision and I'll support her.

My cousin's son is having surgery this afternoon so I would ask that you pray for him and a quick recovery. I'm not sure how old he is but about 10 I think and he has had a lot of things happen in his life and I will tell you he is one tough customer.

Well, that is about it. Tomorrow is the Gamecocks first home game and it breaks my heart that I won't be there especially since it is against Navy and I was in the navy. But, I'll be watching on TV. I guess the good news is no matter who wins, I win!! I'll be pulling for the Gamecocks but if Navy wins it won't hurt too bad!

So, I hope everyone has a good night and may God richly bless you.

t

Didn't do much today. I woke at about 5 with chest pain and in a sweat. I got up and took some medicine and laid back down. I didn't fall back asleep but I had to go for a CT scan anyway so I just got up and got the girls going. I went to town and had the CT scan done then came back home. I went to lay down and the chest pain started again even more intense than it had been during the night. So, I had to take my nitro spray. Once I did that the chest pain cleared up and I was able to get some rest. I am waiting on Emily and the girls to get home and that always makes me smile. I don't really plan to do much tonight other than watch some football and since I don't really have an interest in either team I should be ok. It has been a while since I was woke up by the chest pain but having to take the nitro pretty much proves that was my heart. Well, I guess that is about it and I hope everyone has a good evening. May God bless you all.

Another day of not much to report. I had counseling today and that went well. I felt my speech was better but I still stumble around. The actual tone of the voice though is not too bad. I've tried singing some from time to time and I feel singing will help and help the vocal cords so I am going to try to sing some more every day. I need to talk that over more with my speech therapist but I can sing it is the speaking that is the issue. Funny how that is but it is true with stutters and those like me who suffer with fluency issues. I just don't want to lose my ability to make music. It has defined me for so long and has always been the one thing I can rely on so if I lose that it would be just devastating. I already know that it is harder and my voice has gotten lower but I think that has stopped so maybe that is a good sign. I showed my therapist where I could feel pain and that is also interesting. It seems as though it is in my bones and beneath the skin but not on the skin. And it is on the left side not the right. Just very strange. But, tomorrow I have a CT scan and I expect it to show nothing and I will still be stuck with conversion disorder as the diagnosis even though deep down I truly believe there is something else going on.

The girls had awana's tonight and they really seem to enjoy it. I'm glad they do but I wish it did not last until 8. That is a bit late to me especially for my youngest. But, I guess I have to go with what the Church decides. So, that is about it. The girls are in bed and I pray they have a good nights sleep and rest in God's arms.

I'll have to admit I don't feel like I am much of a daddy to them in the state I am in. I have said that before but there really are times I feel Emily deserves so much better than I can provide and the girls deserve a daddy that can at least go swimming with them. I would die for both of them and for Emily but sometimes you have to wonder what is best and how you can do the best thing for them. Don't get me wrong and don't read more into this than there actually is. But, I wanted so much for Emily to have a strong and healthy husband and these children to have a good daddy who is able to do things with them and instead they have half a man who walks with a walker and stutters when he talks and does not even have a job right now. Not exactly the life I had envisioned for them. No matter where our lives are headed my love for them will never change and will never diminish but I do wonder if Emily would be better off with another man who can really love her and treat her like she deserves to be treated. I don't think I am that man at least not in the state I am in. The irony is that I still want another child. How selfish is that. But, that is my heart and I guess it is not going to change.

Ok, enough of another pity party. Life goes on and tomorrow will bring new challenges and new opportunities. Let's see what God has in store for tomorrow. I pray everyone has a good night and may God richly bless you all.