I'm not sure how to describe how I am feeling tonight after my visit with my psycho doctor. So, all I will say is that I am not sure I will go back to this doctor. Emily have been talking all day about it and we just need to make some decisions. I am going to see my general doctor this week. Right now the apt is sechduled for Thursday but we are going to try to get in tomorrow. I continue to ask for your prayers and that I can deal with what went on today. I have had rough days in my life and maybe I am making more of this than is actually there but right now I am frustrated and angry. This will certainly be an interesting week. Thank you for your continued prayers.

There is a lot I could say about today like the tremor I had and how tired I am but that all seems so repetitive so instead I will concentrate on the woman in my life. We, as men, spend way too much time blowing our own horns and not thanking the women in our lives who do so much including giving the birth to our children. I will never forget that day in the hospital in July when we were giving birth to our first born. A little girl you all know is the light of my life. But, the light requires power and that power comes from her mother. I remember when they laid that little baby on Emily and how she just looked at her and how she just said hello little one. My mother in law and I were both crying but not my wife. She sat there calmly loving and holding this precious gift that she had been given. Only a woman can give birth, we as men are cheerleaders. I can't always say she is perfect because that would be a lie but I can say that she is the best mother to my daughters that she can possible be. She is love. She is discipline. She is an example. She is a rock. She is the power behind the lights of my life. She is a mother and there is no one like her. So, today's blog is simply to thank my wife for being the mother to my children. The wife to my soul and the power behind the lights in this house. Without her our lives would be a much darker place. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY EMILY! YOU ARE ONE AWESOME MOTHER!!

Today I had physical and occupational therapy. They were both functional assessments. The physical therapy did not go so well. I was very shaky but I think it had a lot to do with it being in the morning and I had just taken my medicine so it may have not had enough time to kick in. I am still having problems with balance. I did a lot of shaking and in fact called Emily but dropped my phone more than once. Still, the therapist thinks I am making progress and hopes to eventually get me off the walkers. Occupational therapy is kind of fun. Today he wanted to see how my reflexes are so we playes bounce the balloon. It was kind of like being a kid again. I did very well with the right hand but not the left. I was able to pick my right foot up and move it forward. My left I tended to drag. Still, it was not bad. He once again said I was making progress but I need to work the muscles in the left part of my body because it is obvious they are weak and could get worse. One good thing is I can use the WII to get exercise and work on my reflexes so that should be fun. I continue to have headaches since I hit my head twice this week. I was very tired after the workouts but I think that was to be expected. I have two doctor appointments Monday so we will have to see how they do. Still all in all other than the headaches and the continued pains in my left foot it was a good day. God is good all the time!!

Today was not as bad as the other days this week. I did stumble last night but I didn't fall. I hit my head again but it was nothing major. Emily checked it out and the bleediing was slight. My speech has calmed down but the stuttering is still very much there. The speech therapist came today as did the occupational therapist. My BP is lower in my right arm than my left kind of weird but the readings in both arms were good today. I am finding that as long as I am home the tremors are not so bad but they do happen. They happened today when I was doing occupational therapy but if could have been a lot worse so I am glad I was home. I am still waiting to hear what disability determines. I called the psych office again but they are not taking any new patients until Sept. However, I did speak with another office person who said based on our conversation that she believes this is physical and not mental. She is going to do everything she can do to get me an appointment in June. So, the big question may be can I get approved to remain out of work until I see this new psych doctor. Medically there is no doubt but mentally it may be a concern. Bottom line is I am not able to work and the evidence is there but dealing with this stress is not good and my concern is a relapse. I just want to get better, I have to admit that I am considering applying for social security disability for the first time. That way it is one and done and then I don't have to worry about it for the rest of my life. Maybe that has been God's plan all along. I just don't know. We will have to see. Until then, I need to get this disability approved through the date I can see a psych and then see where we go from there.

Today started with a bang. I went to get Cottia's dirty cloths and fell forward into the closet. I hit my head and man did it hurt. It bled a little but nothing major. I had a headache most of the rest of the day. Then, I got a call from my disability that the behavioral therapist had released me to work as of yesterday. I quickly began to panic and the stuttering became uncontroable. I called Emily who always has the presense of mind to calm me down. I'm not going to get into a great of detail but Emily placed a call to the doctors office. I kind of feel sorry for the doctor when he has to explain this one to her! But, when I called him I could barely speak and he said it was obvious that stress caused the stuttering. Well, duh, I think we already knew that. He did say he had only seen me twice and therefore did not have a diagnosis which bares the question as to why he released me instead of referring the disability specialist back to my general doctor. So, I called my general practice and they said not to worry about it. I also called the disability specialist and did my best to speak,. I think in a way it was good for her to hear just how bad my situation is. She said she was not denying the claim but she did not have any information on the tremors or the other issues affecting my body so we have to see what the doctor says. Once again God stepped in as my occupational therapist drove up at that exact moment. He took my bp which was 150/88. That is very high for me so he stayed with me until I had calmed down. He is a Christian so that was also a good thing. Bottom line is the doctor made a mistake in a line of mistakes from the medical community in my case. While I am getting better at walking I am still not steady and can fall at any time as was the case this morning. I have fluencey issues and tremors that can come on at anytime. I know the disability specialist has a job to do but there is just no way I can return to work at this time. So, now we wait until the records are sent and evaluated. I emailed the information from HealthSouth, Dr Westercam and lexington medical center so she can get everything she needs to make the proper decision.

On another note, does anyone think this should be a made for tv movie????? I'm beginning to think so!

Today I started my behavioral therapy. It will require homework which I hate but I will do what I have to to get better. We made it home in time for both speech and physical therapy. I did have some stuttering issues earlier in the day but as the day went on it got better. I noticed the more tired I became the less the stuttering. I also took the valum 10 ml and that definently made a difference as far as calming me down and I was able to rest. I was up late last night watching all the news on the death of Bin Ladin. It is not unusual for me to be up late but I was up later than normal last night so I was tired today and it showed. The behavorial therapist filled out the paper work for my disability while I was there but I also need to be sure to follow up with disability for Dr Griggs. Their office called and said I will have to make my own apt with the psychologist as they do not take referrals so I have the number and will make the apt tomorrow. In the mean time, I continue to be in good spirits and feel blessed to be loved and prayed for.

This morning I went to Church. My wonderful wife once again fixed my breakfast plate and I enjoyed a great breakfast. But, I decided to try to put my plate in the trash. That is when the first tremor hit. It wasn't too bad but I did spill what was left of my food which a very dear friend was kind enough to clean up. I made my way to the sanctuary to listen and do what I could to offer support for the praise and worship team. They did awesome and it was nice to be back with them. I have made a goal to sing a special by the end of the month so I asked Michelle to practice. We did. I am always amazed at God's grace. I know I am my own worse critic but I thought it went well. It was simple and not a high range but the voice was there. The one thing I have always relied on was there. The gift God gave me which I have not used as I should was still there. It was not as strong as it used to be and at times I felt it went a bit flat. But, it was there. I became excited and over stimulated and began to tremor. Members of the worship team were near by and brought me a chair so I could sit down and gain my composure but the voice was there. Some of the men of the Church helped me to the back of the Church and I remained in the brides area for the remainder of the morning. But, I had sung and I had sung in God's house. I know I have my work cut out for me but it was a start. After Church we went out to eat at Paparoni's. I made my way in the restaurant but I had a tremor right before sitting but I made it to my seat and through the meal. We came home and I took my valum. I think the problem this morning was two fold first I was stimulated about singing and I should have taken 10 mil instead of 5. The doctor has increased my dosage and I need to stick with that. Then, tonight, Cottia came around and sat on my lap like she usually does before bed. She loves for me to rock her it is our tradition and one I treasure. She made the comment that she liked me better before the walker because the walker made me look old. I asked her if she would love me either way and she said yes but I have to admit it did hurt that she hurts for me. I don't feel sorry for myself even though I do get down from time to time. But, I do worry about being less than the daddy they deserve. So, we rocked like we always do then I put her to bed with a hug and a kiss and a promise that I will continue to do all I can to get off the walker even if I have to walk with a walking stick. In a final twist of fate or God's had whichever you chose to believe, when I came back Mash was on. I never watch Mash. The story line was of a soilder who stuttered and believed himself to be dumb because he could not talk like others do. I won't get into the entire story but the jest of the story was one of the doctors found out this kids iq was above normal and then went on the explain great people in history who stuttered including Winston Churchhill. It spoke to me that no matter the infirmaties of this life God can make a person great all we have to do is look at the challenges we have as opportunities to serve him and prove his love and grace. So, I plan to sing by the end of the month. Honestly, I don't care at this point I don't care how well it goes as long as it is the best I can do. That is what God has done for me and I plan to do that for him. I still hope to sing "In my Daughter's Eyes." for Father's day so I have my work cut out for me. But, I also have goals and a Father in Heaven who will see me through to glorify his name. So, the day comes to a close. It was one of accomplishment, drama, pain, hurt, but it was also one of love and God's grace. I don't think I could ask for more.

On another note, Emily continues to heal from her broken foot. With all she has had to do I am amazed at how she has kept it together and she still does not ask for help. She just keeps going. I may have done a lot of things wrong in my life but one thing I did right was marrying that woman.