The pain today has increased. I have also had more bleeding. I have scheduled an appointment with my gastro tomorrow for his opinion. I have also scheduled another appointment with my personal care doctor Thursday. There has to be answers. I told me wife that I am really worried something else is going on. Something they just don't see or have not looked for. For the first time I actually wondered if I have cancer. I realize that is being paranoid but it is becomming a concern. I pray that is not the case. I am trying the donut they suggested and it seems to help a little in one area but has moved the pain to another. Still, I continue to trust God and his faithfullness. He is in control, not me.

I went to my surgeon's office today. The pain is increasing and not getting any better. They said that I should not be surprised at the amount of pain I am in as they had to go up a ways to do the surgery. I just did not expect it to last this long. When they did the rectum exam I thought I was going to die. The pain was the most intense I have ever experienced. Tonight it is very intense but there really is very little I can do. They did say I appear to have a tear in the area which is contributing to all of this but again there is just nothing that can be done. We did discuss the pain medicine and that it just does not seem to be helping so I am going to stop taking it. It is causing constapation and really does very little with the pain issue so there is no reason to continue it. The down side is the pain will probably get worse before it gets better. I called my manager and my disability specialist. My manager said not to worry that a few more weeks will probably make all the difference. The disability specialist asked a lot of questions but will fax the request for medical information. I called the surgeon's office and made it clear it is vitally important that they respond as quickly as possible which I believe they will. They have been very good about working with my disability folks on this matter. There is always the chance the extension will be denied but there is medical documentation to extend so hopefully it won't be a problem. I really need to return as my pay has been reduced 30% now and that does make a difference in our lives. Fortunently, God has provided for us and we are ok. There is also always the chance I could lose my job but given the assurance I have from my manager I really don't think that will happen either. I am truly blessed as far as all of that goes. I am going to call my personal gastro to see if he will see me and check me. I trust him very much and feel I could use the second medical opinion as to exactly where I am.

I lost another 3lbs according to their scales!

My heart also continues to be a concern as I continue to struggle with PVC episodes.

I spoke with my manager tonight and also have discussed with my wife and right now I still plan to return to work Tuesday. My manager told me not to worry and she will continue to work with me no matter what. There is a possibility I would return to work part time which I am researching with my disability. I personally think that would be best to try and ease back into work but also to make sure my body can take it. The pain is increasing instead of getting better which really does worry me. But, I may just have to live with it. Time will tell.

On another note, I had a wonderful evening with my wife. It is kinda rare that we get to go out to eat together alone and we were able to do that tonight. I am so thankful for her and all she means to me and does for our family.

I will blog more later tonight. But, for now, the pain if getting worse. I did not think that was possible. I tried to do things because they needed to be done and apparently it just has caused something to happen. the bleeding continues and I am still frustrated. God is in control and I know that but I am beginning to wonder if I will be able to function the rest of my life without feeling pain. there is a difference between pain and soreness. This is pain. I also continue to worry there is something else going on they have not discovered. The saga continues.

today I kept my youngest daughter. We had so much fun. We started the day at my moms as she made breakfast for us. Then, we came back home and she took a good nap. When she woke, we got my oldest daughter and headed back to my mom's. It was cold but we rode the golf cart and really enjoyed the beautiful farm. Finally, we came home after some supper at the barbeque place in Swansea...which is awesome I might add. I am able to eat some barbeque but it is less than a childs plate. Still, I am happy I can eat it and enjoy it without pigging out. We came home and I decided to get our Christmas things out so we could put up our trees and get ready to decorate. That is where I made my mistake. I didn't do very much but as everyone knows, putting up Christmas trees requires some lifting. Right now, the pain is probably worse than it has been. I am really hurting and just want to sit and do nothing right now. I HATE THIS! I want so desperately to help with the Christmas decorating. I have always done that. Daddy puts up the trees and helps with decorating. Mom does the arranging. I feel like a part of me has been put out to pasture. Tomorrow, I have some friends coming over to help and I appreciate them but this is supposed to be what daddy does! It is almost like I am a 70 year old man instead of a 47 year old dad. My shoulder is throbing right now from the pacemaker but my heart seems to be ok just a sore shoulder. Our home is always so beautiful at this time of year. My wife knows how to arrange everything and the girls eyes just light up. Instead of being the vibrant Father I used to be I feel I am relagated to the sidelines and asking others to do what I should be able to do. Will it be this way for the rest of my life? I simply don't know. I want my life back!

I decided today that I needed to do some things. So, I did try to get some things done but I am really paying for it now. I have bled again and it is really uncomfortable. I just have to get my body going again and don't know any other way to do it. I continue to take the medicines they have prescribed for me but it really does not help. There are days I just wish I could start crying and cry all day to get out all this emotion I have built up. I think I will watch a very emotional movie to see if I can get it started. I am supposed to return to work Tuesday but honestly don't know if I will be able to stand it. Even right now as I am writing this the pain is throbing and very instense. I now have a great respect for those that deal with pain like this on a daily basis. time moves on and life continues. No matter what, God is in control and I do trust him.

Today has not been too bad. I had to go to the ENT and was told the ringing in my ear needs to be monitored and that if I start getting dizzy I need to let them know. The bleeding continues and I continue to have intense pain but there is just nothing that can be done. The surgeons office called and I am to see them Monday before returning to work. I have to admit I have mixed emotions about returning. I want to go back but the pain is so bad I just don't know if I can stand it. I had a lot of PVC episodes today and 1 was very intense but the others were not so bad. I just continue to work through all of this. I think my biggest concern is how my daughters are going to see me in the future. Will they see this weak man that is dependent on others for everything or will they see their daddy, a strong vibrant man working to take care of them and their mother. I claim the later. God continues to give me strength and I know I am in his care. I just never thought at this point in my life I would have all these issues and even have to clean blood from myself during the day. I am not sure what lesson I am meant to learn but please Father teach me soon!