Today I got to hold a baby. I had held her before but only for a few seconds because I was worried about a tremor. But, today her parents who are good friends of ours let me hold her and even though it was painful in my arm and backside because it meant I sat in the sanctuary the whole service, it was so worth it. It reminded me of when my children were baby's and how much I want another baby. But, more than that, it reminded me of how God gives us life. You see, in our Church a family that I see but really don't know very well lost their son yesterday. Yet, they were in Church today. Not bitter, not questioning, not having a pity party just there. I looked at the mother who had lost her son and I looked at the mother of the baby I was holding and I looked at the mother of my children and I thought how amazing it is that God gives women the gift of giving birth. I don't profess to know the pain of giving birth or the heartache of a mother over losing a child, but I do know what it is like to love a child so much that you would die for her. I may have been through a lot this past year and I may still have a lot more to go through and at times life has not seemed fair and I'll even admit that I have felt like giving up. But, holding that baby today was the best medicine I have had. No doctor can give you that feeling of life renewed and just how beautiful it is. I suggest everyone take the time if the mother and father are willing and just hold a baby even if it is for a few minutes. Hold that baby and smell the smell of new life. Listen to them breath and marvel at the fact that a loving God has placed that life on this earth. Then, take the time to realize just how fragile it is and appreciate the moment you have.

Now, I'd like to share two stories about my own children and how they blessed me this weekend. Yesterday, I was in a lot of pain. Pain is a part of my life and my oldest knows it because I complain way too much. I fell asleep during the Carolina/Kentucky game and she took the time to write me a note which I have beside me to keep me going. It isn't complicated but it is from the heart of a 6 year old. It simply says: " I love Daddy, Daddy loves me, I know how daddy feels and I really love him. Then, the drew a picture of me and her together holding hands and smiling. She said I can have it framed and I intend to do just that to remember how much we love each other. Only a child can give that feeling.

My 2 year old soon to be 3 this morning brought her Rapunzel doll into our bedroom after I had gotten up for Church. She gently laid the doll where I sleep and said it was there to protect me. She did not ask for it back and it is still in our bed. After Church on the way home, we asked her how she enjoyed children's church and she said she loved it!! She said: "We got to eat marchmellows! Those litttle ones." Perspective is very important!! And the Rapunzel doll is still in our bed to protect daddy.

Now, I don't profess to know why we have been through all we have been through this year and why things still seem to be happening. I'm still disabled and still struggle with a lot of things. Lord knows, I am not a perfect husband or daddy. But, I still have my children and we still have our home and each other and a God that has a plan we may not understand but one we have to follow and accept his guidance. In the past year, he has seen us through all my health issues, he has brought Jason into our lives, he has made sure we have food to eat and today he has provided reminders of just how precious life is.

I pray God's peace on the family that is suffering right now. I pray God's blessings on the new life I got to hold today. I pray God's blessings on the mother who sat next to us today and sits next to us every Sunday and the life she is carrying and I pray blessings on my sister in law who is carrying my nephew. May the God of the ages look over all these lives and grant them all of life's joys and peace. I pray God's blessings on the mother of my children and grant her peace as she has so much responsibility with our home, finances and our children and the love only she can know for them. I pray for all the Father's out there. I pray that God will gran you courage to be the man he meant for you to be and if you are not stepping up to the plate then I pray God will convict your heart and that you will know the simple joy of holding a child. Men sometimes shy away from that but I can tell you that there is nothing like it. And, finally, I pray God will richly bless each and everyone who reads this blog. Have a great night and remember life is precious and even though we may not always understand his plan, God does have one if we will simply see it through.

t

Today was my last day of occupational therapy at least for a while. I will miss working with Darlene but it means I am making progress and so I look at it like I graduated and passed a class. I had physical therapy and will continue with that twice a week. Speech will be once a week and continued counseling will be once a week. My BP was high today and I'm not sure why Darlene decided to take it but she did and it started high but not extremely high. Then Horace my physical therapist took my BP and it was 190/120. Very high but I had just walked so we waited a bit and took it again. It had come down to 188/88. I called my doctor and they felt I needed to be seen so they got me back and my BP was 150/96 so it had gone back up and my doctor suggested uping my BP dosage and gave me some samples. So, I was excited because I really thought he was going to put me in the hospital but he didn't. On my way out, I dropped the bag of samples with the prescription and tried to reach over to pick it up. I was in the parking lot which is paved. Well, of course I fell. I don't really remember very much but they got me back in and I had a hard time moving my neck but they basically just left me alone and I calmed down. I was tremoring pretty bad but obviously I could not drive. So, my mom and her husband came and got me and brought me home. The tremors combined with the fall really took it out of me and I was exhausted. I went to bed and was awoke to the most beautiful little voice. I had to fight to wake up but I wanted to see my girls so I did. I was not aware of the time but Emily was giving baths and getting some hot dogs ready for the girls. I was very sore and in a lot of pain but at least I did get to see the girls. I just don't understand why I continue to fall but it is just there and I have to deal with it.

Not much else to tell. I am having a few chest pains tonight but I think that is from the fall. I don't plan to really do anything tonight except to relax and try to take it easy. My left leg is in the usual pain but due to the fall the right side is in pain as well. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

Well, tomorrow is homecoming at our high school and I hope our team does well. I won't go but will follow via text from Emily.

So, life moves on and I appreciate all the continued prayers.

Cottia's tooth is almost out and we even tried to get it to come out tonight but without success but it won't be long. Of course Eva says she has a tooth ready to come out too so that just shows how normal life can be even in the midst of the storm.

I wish everyone who reads this a wonderful evening and may God richly bless you.

Today was Therapy day but last night was really rough. I woke with very intense chest pain and it lasted for several hours. I finally had to take the nitro spray and then it let up. This seems to be happening more often but I've been told there really isn't much they can do. So, I just take the spray when I feel it is necessary and then go back to bed. In the past I have spoken about how I am able to get around the house pretty good and that continues but today at physical therapy I really had a triumph. I was able to walk for about 165 feet with one of those 4 prong canes. I tremored a bit and worried I might fall but the physical therapist was there and I did have to stop three times but I made it. It was a great feeling.

My speech therapist said the tremors in my vocal area were there again today but again I think that was because of how tired I was from the heart issue last night. We had a good session and I am going to once a week with speech and occupational therapy but will have workouts I can do at home. As of right now physical therapy is still going to be twice a week in the hopes of getting me to walk without a walker or cane outside and in public. I believe this is achieveable and it certainly is encouraging.

The girls are find and tonight was parent teacher night. So, I stayed home with Eva while Emily went with Cottia. It is good for them to do those kinds of things together so I am glad and it gave me some time with Eva. I have been worried about the time I get to spend with her and really enjoy her spirit and zest for life.

Well, that is about it. I made sure that even though I was worn out after the episode last night I still made myself get up and go to therapy because it is so important. I was exhausted afterwards and slept a little more than I usually do in the afternoon. I had a few tremors when I got home but I made it and am so glad that I had today.

Eva is sleeping and looks like such a little angel when she is asleep and Cottia continues to grow and is really becoming quite the little lady. I love them both so much.

Emily continues to go and go and never stops. Her strength and resolve should be an inspiration to everyone. She has stuck by me and I greatly appreciate it.

Well, I guess that is about it. I have counseling tomorrow then PT on Thursday. I pray God richly blesses you all and helps us all to realize just how precious life is but the life to come is even more precious so live this life as you prepare for the next one! Have a great night and love to all.

Well, to say the weekend was interesting would be an understatement. Friday night I was able to go to my first high school football game of the season. The coach and a very good friend helped me. My friend took me by golf cart to the handicapped seating and I was able to watch the entire game. It was a thriller and the biggest game in our town in a long time. And, we won!! We came from a 14-3 deficit to win 20-14. Huge for our program and while I did have some tremors I made it through it. Then, Saturday morning both Emily and I were able to sleep in. I was exhausted and I know she had to be. My daughters did their little cheer thing during half time and I could not have been prouder. They are truly the light of my life. Then, I went to see the movie Courageous with Jason. I was not in the proper mood to see the movie so I want to try and be as fair as I can to it. There are always two ways to react to a movie. You can say what people want to hear or you can say how you really felt about it so I'll do both. For those that just want to hear how great it is I'll say it has a message we all should know and if you have someone who is not saved then I would suggest not necessarily going to the theatre but waiting and buying it or renting it and watching it with them and then talking about what you just saw especially if they have children. For those that want to know how I personally felt about it, I thought the acting was not very good and the story was predictable. I kind of had it figured out in the first 5 to 10 minutes of the movie. There is one actor that did stick out though and I wish I knew his name but the only way I can identify him is he is the African American police officer. He is a good actor and did a good job. I have Fireproof, Facing the Giants, all of the left behind movies and End of the sphere and some other movies like this. 3rd behing Fireproff and Facing the Giants. The Left Behind movies are not completed yet so it is kind of hard to rate this movie with those. But, like I said, it does have a message and if you know someone who is not saved then I recommend the movie but I'm not sure I would go back to the theatre to see it again.

Then, came Sunday. Our Church normally does breakfast but we skipped that this morning because it was homecoming so once again we could sleep a little later. Problem was I slept a bit too much. I got the girls ready and Jason helped Emily with the foods so I could get my shower. We went in separate cars and I was late. I got to Church about 10 and worship starts at 10:30 so I just went on in the sanctuary and waited on Emily and the girls. I know people will find this hard to believe but I really do not like events like homecoming but Emily had worked so hard on making brownies and mac and cheese and I felt I had to stay so I did. I was able to talk with a man in our community that has the same vein disease I have. He is a double amputee something I don't expect will happen to me but it is a possibility and he shared a lot with me. I have a lot of respect for him and his wife and miss them greatly. They used to go to our Church but are now going somewhere else. I think that as the disease progresses I will certainly seek his advice and counsel. Another bright spot for me was I got to hold a baby. It is the baby of a dear friend of mine and it was such a joy. I made sure the mom was there and others just in case I began to tremor and I was seated. I held her for about 5 minutes and it really made my heart sore with joy just to hold a newborn.

Cottia has a lose tooth!! She is so excited and is ready for that first tooth to come out! I want to just freeze time but I know that will not happen. I can't believe she is in the first grade and she is growing so tall. But, she still crawls up in my lap and even though she is not a new born I treasure each and every snuggle and hug and the smell of her hair and her laughter and just the joy she brings to my heart. Eva is also growing and will be three this month. Man, is that hard to believe. One of my great joys is also holding her. I love to rock with her. She will follow me down the hall with my walker and crawl in my lap and we rock and I sing to her. I love kissing her little face and then when she is ready she knows to go to her crib and crawl up the side so I can put her in. Then, I gently cover her in her blanket and stroke her beautiful blonde hair and just fall in love with all over again. The, I walk out and take one final look at her and we both smile and I know that smile will be there the next morning and that is such a great joy.

Well, I guess that is about it. The pain in my left calf has been pretty bad today and in the left ankle but the tremors have not been too bad but I keep on keeping on. I hope everyone has a great night and may God richly bless you.

Well, today started out well enough. We got up on time and got the girls off and I headed to counseling. I always look forward to that. Then, on the way home, I needed to stop off at Wal-mart. Well, all the handicapped spaces were filled so I had to ride around for a while but God always provides and I found a parking space very close just by the store. I have to use one of those roller cart things because I can't walk around the store. Well, there is a light that tells you if the battery is dead or going dead and it was green so that meant the battery was fine. So, I started to pick up the few things we needed and then suddenly the cart died on me. I felt embarrassed and had to ask for someone to bring me a new one. Well, the store was gracious and certainly did bring me one but it had already started frustration. So, I didn't want to but I was hungry so I went through Sonic for lunch. I really don't like doing that but with my therapy sessions and this today I have had to go through fast food both days. I usually go through Bojangles and get Their boberry biscuits because they are cheap and every penny counts right now. But, they are just not that good for me so I went through sonic again adding to my frustration. I could feel my heart racing and the pacemaker working but I made it home and got in a short nap before I had to go get the girls. Emily had to have a crown on her teeth so I had to get the girls. Thankfully we have such wonderful people as Judy and Johnny in our lives that bring the girls out so I don't have to get out and risk falling on my way into their house. Well, we made it home at the exact same time Emily was driving up so she was here. We got cottia's homework done but Eva was in some mood. I don't think she feels very well and Judy woke her up from her nap so she was still sleepy and that also added to it. Emily took them to Awanas and I decided I wanted to go to Church tonight. Well, on the way in, I tried to open the door and fell against it. It really hurt this time on the right side and right now I am in a lot of pain in the right lower arm and hand but I have become so used to it that I just don't really think about it that much. I am just thankful that I didn't fall all the way to the ground. I was able to brace myself against the door until two men from the Church came out to help. I had obvious tremors but I have learned that taking some very deep breaths helps calm them down as long as I wait. It took some time but having these men to hold me while I gathered myself helped. The tremors lasted for about 15 minutes I would say so I asked a friend of ours to go with me to the brides room which she did and we just talked and it helped because I was concerned about driving but I felt I could make it. I called Emily to let her know we were on our way home and to ask her to start a cup of coffee for me. I didn't want to alarm her so I didnt tell her about the fall but at least she knew we were on the way home so she would have a time line to expect us. I have taken some pain mediine and will watch the right arm and hand to make sure there is no swelling. I don't see the need to go to the doctor unless it swells or something like that. Right now, I just want to relax and be thankful for the day I had and that I am home safe and sound. I have therapy tomorrow so I will tell them about it and let them take a look just to be on the safe side but unless there is some swelling there really isn't anything a doctor can do. I have noticed that I am getting dizzy more often but am not sure why. I guess we will see. Probably has to do with all the meds I m on. Well, that is about it. Just another day in the life.

On other notes, both girls did their Bible verses and seemed to have a great time at Awanas and are learnin so much. I am very proud of both of them. They are so beautiful and God has given me far more than I deserve. I pray his blessings on you all and may God richly bless you all. Have a great night.

It has been a few days since I have blogged but I really have not had a lot to report. Today, I had therapy and found out that my insurance will pay for only 10 more visits so we have decided to tweek some things. I will do occupational therapy two more times and speech will also move to once a week but physical therapy will continue twice a week as far as I know right now. The exercise is very important for the vein disease so that has to be the priority. I am excited about what my Dr of speech therapy has for me though. She wants me to join a choir!! I have missed that and so I have to find one that will work with me so I am contacting folks that will allow me to sing with the group and that understands I will probably not be able to stand long periods of time. But, I can hopefully work on a Christmas program that is traditional and yet challenging. I feel like I have a new lease and even though the rehap will be winding down it will be there for me next year if I need it. The most important thing right now is this vein issue. If the blockage continues to build it could lead to a bigger and more major heart attack or stroke especially since my BP went to 190/135 last week. So, there will be some changes in my life but that is not always a bad thing. I just pray God continues to work and I pray his blessings on everyone who reads this. Have a great night and take care. t

Well, it's been a few days since I have blogged but I feel the need to do so tonight. I am in another of the girls and Emily would be better off without me. I am just tired and know everyone reacts the same but I have promised to be honest so that is my emotion tonight. But, right now, I am watching Jeff Dunham's new show and it is really funny. He is a bit adult but it cracks me up! I went to one of his shows when he was in Columbia a few years ago and it was very funny. The pain in my legs is worse today but I guess that is to be expected.

My cousin seems to be doing pretty well and is recovering. I wish her all the best.

Disability continues to be more stress than is good for me or anyone. I now truly understand why people hate insurance companies the way they do. But, I have to figure a way to work this out to take the best care of my family as I can and get back to some form of work. At least if I am able to get into sales I can truly tell folks what to expect and help them through the process.

I still trust God and put my life in his hands. I have to admit that I wonder why Emily puts up with me. She is so strong and faces life dead on while I just want to crawl in a corner and give up. I admire her so much and just want what is best for her and these two little girls.

One thing I can leave this life with when that day comes is that I did not lie, I did the best I could, and did not give up. That is not a bad legacy to leave behind. I hope I have many more years to go but we will see. God has that all planned out.

To say it was a rough weekend is an understatement but it is over now and I am ready to move on. I continue to appreciate all the prayers and support. God bless you all and have a good night.