Emily and the girls made it home safe and sound and the house is once again abuzz with noise and clutter. Things are back to normal. I had a rough night though with tremors and just being restless. So, I am extra tired today but I'll get through it. The pain in my left leg is very intense but I also have not been able to take my medicine because Emily had to take Cottia to reading camp at Columbia College and I have to watch Eva. I have to be as alert as I can be with her. I almost fell down the stairs and spilt some milk but I managed to clean it up. I feel so weak today but again I think that is because I didn't rest very well last night. Hopefully when Eva takes a nap I can get some sleep. I am so ready for this week to be over. The stress is really beginning to mount and I am having more chest pains but there really isn't anything I can do about it. God is in control and I just have to trust him and his plan. Well, I hope everyone has a great Sunday and relaxes some.

Today, I finally did sleep in a bit but am just so excited that the girls are on their way home. I think the house will be filled with noise and adventure once again in just a little while. I know they were stopping off to eat and then would be heading the rest of the way home so I am not sure exactly how much longer it will be but I just know that I can't wait to see them. Well, that is about it. I continue to struggle with the pain in my left legs and speech but I'll get through it. The investigator comes Wednesday and I am ready to get that behind me because it has certainly added to my stress level. Just having resolution one way or the other is going to be helpful. My counselor read me the verse for that way which is my birthday ironically enough. But, the verse talks about Jesus offering up loud cries and tears to the one who could save him. Now we all know this was regarding the cross but in my case I take it as offering up loud cries and tears regarding my claim and job to the only one that will truly make the final decision. I know the disability folks have the last human word but in the end God the Father already knows what will happen. There is also a verse she read to me that said to make my concerns known so that others can pray so I am asking everyone to be in prayer for me to be able to remember the things I need to remember and to keep at peace during this time. God has my back as they say so I need not worry.

Today was counseling day. I went in thinking we were going to work on relaxing techniques with the upcoming investigator but instead I had a lot to talk about. To me, having the claim investigated is both an opportunity and an insult. Honor still matters to me and I have a reputation of being honest and that is very important to me. But, we never really worked on relaxing techniques instead we read scripture. Glenda listened to me and we prayed together. It is interesting that while I am worried because he could find against me while at the same time I have a sense of peace because I know the truth and I have the support of family and friends who have witnessed the tremors and how I have struggled with speech but they have not. I called the investigator to let him know that I know why he is coming. He seemed a bit off guard but he did say that there are some inconsistances in my claim but he would not say what they are and the only way to resolve them was face to face. I don't really know what they are but it really does not matter. I will just be open and honest and answer his questions to the best of my ability. One thing he did say was he wanted to come at 10 instead of 1 because of his schedule. I told him that was ok because I didn't want to frustrate him in anyway but it probably means Emily can't be here. I don't look forward to going through the interview alone because of my memory issues. But, if necessary, I will just call her or try to send a text while he is here to make sure I give correct answers.

So, I guess that is it. Nothing else major other than I once again woke with chest pain and had to take nitro. I am finding that when I have therapy and exert myself that seems to trigger the chest pain. But, my cardiologist has assured me that it is not life threatening so I just take my nitro and am learning to take it with me at all times.

I did tell the investigator that I am looking forward to meeting him and answering his questions and hopefully clearing this matter up one way or the other because the stress is not helping and it very well could set me back but that sense of peace that only believers have is reassuring. God is in control and he has my future and our family. We have been through so much this year and really the last two years that I just would love to get up and go to work and come home and walk without a walker and go swimming with my children and live life as it was prior to all of this. But, I can't go back the events of the past two years are here for a reason and I have learned from them and God willing we will go back to being a simple middle class family serving God and moving forward. I continue to ask for your prayers and support as we go through yet another trial. Oh, one more thing, he did tell me there is no exam or test just an interview kind of thing. So, I just do the best I can do and let God handle the rest.

So, tomorrow my girls come home and the house will once again be full of life and noise and little girls and honestly, I cant wait. My girls, and wife mean everything to me. They make my life full and worth living no matter what. As long as I have them nothing else really matters.

Today was therapy day and I really look forward to my therapies. I feel I am making progress and the Physical Therapist is really challenging me. I know he wants to challenge me more and I feel that is good. Speech went well. Dr Henri is a great lady and very caring. My speech was better today but I did have some tremors. As always after therapy I am really tired and am getting ready to take a nap. But, one thing I promised when I began to blog was to be honest about everything and I debated weather to mention this or not but being honest means telling everything. I got a call yesterday from an investigator with my disability company. He is coming to visit me next Wednesday. What I don't know is it standard practice or do they just want a reason to deny me my claim. It certainly has added to my stress level but I also know I have nothing to hide and if you look at it from their perspective so many things have happened over the last year to one person so I would be suspicious as well. I actually slept well last night with a sense of peace because I know God is in control. Even though there is always concern because they may very well deny my claim he has the final word and I have several people who are willing to write letters stating what they have seen and what I have been through.

I continue to have pain in my left foot but there was some numbness in my ankle which they said is good. Any feeling of any kind is good even if it is just numbness. So, another chapter unfolds in this ongoing ordeal but like I told Emily no matter what happens we will get through it as a family together and moving forward. I actually look forward to next Wednesday now and if for no other reason to give a sense of closure to the claim.

My records have all been sent except one that I know of so that may be the reason for all of this but who knows. My counseling is tomorrow and we will go through some relaxing techniques to help me get through the next few days.

It is also important for me to say that I don't blame them for investigating since so much has happened. If I were in their position I probably would do the same thing. I know I am disabled and the people that know me know I am disables and believe in me and really that is all that matters in the end.

So, here's to the future and whatever God has in store for me.

Well, I woke this morning at 4:30 with Chest pain and pain in the right side of my lower jaw. But, I know, based on my cardiologist, that it is angina. So, I decided to stay in bed and see if it got better. But, it didn't. I already knew I needed to get the mail which I had forgotten about so I got up, took my nitro spray and then went and got the mail. Moving seemed to help but I hate the headache that comes from the nitro. I checked the dogs, took care of the trash, fed the fish, and now have taken a valum to try to calm down. I am sitting down now with the fans going and plan to just rest today. Oh, one other thing, the cat used the carpet again as a litter box so I had to take care of that as well all of which is risky for me and falling but it has to be done so I did it. I stumbled again but for the second time I was able to stop myself from a full fall so that is good then I took all my medicines and sat down. I plan to watch TV and just stay in the house. I know the headache will wear off and then I will go back to bed and try to get some sleep.

I am so tired and just feel so worn out but I had not thought about how talking makes me tired even more than physical workouts until my doctor of speech therapy mentioned it to me and asked about it but there is very much a connection between talking and the chest pain. I think the physical workout contributes but I talked a lot yesterday to disability, the doctor, and others more than normal and there certainly is a connection. So, I need to limit my talking and keep in mind that it may lead to an angina attack.

So, another day is on and already I have a full blog. I don't know if I will blog again today but I do ask for your prayers.

I spoke with Emily and my girls last night and they seem to be having fun at the beach and I am so glad. I miss them but am glad they are enjoying themselves. They are coming home Saturday and I am excited to see them.

I hope everyone has a great day and will stay cool and hydrated.

Today was therapy day and man did I work out. Physical and occupational therapy are going well and I am really getting that one on one attention I need that home health care was not able to help me with. I am finding the physical therapy challenging because I am still so weak and it does wear me out. Occupational therapy is not as bad. My cordination is not bad. It isn't what I want it to be but it is getting better. They are so encouraging and really challenge me. It is speech where I worry. I got my base line scores and they were not good but it as a lot better today. My therapist is just wonderful and I feel so comfortable with her. But, I worry that we will get me where I need to be by August 28th and she was quite honest with me in telling me that this may be a struggle I will have for the rest of my life. She also explained that is why I get so tired talking and she does hear vocal tremors. But, I am not willing to give up and she knows that. We will work extra hard and I am to rest my voice but also practice so in someways it will be like being back in college. She told me the name of what I have vocally but I don't remember exactly what it is called but it is neurological in nature and it can get worse so continued therapy is a must. I have been impressed with everyone I have worked with at HealthSouth in all phases of therapy and would recommend them to anyone who needs therapy.

After therapy I had to pick up my prescriptions and then it was home. I checked on my current disability status and they still have not received my records from the home therapy but I found out that they charged for the records and my disability was hesitant to pay the charge and when I found out how much it was I can't say I blame them. But, I was assured that the records have now been released. I also found out that they sent the request for HealthSouth to the wrong place when I have provided them the correct address and phone number numerous times which is frustrating but HealthSouth is pretty good so hopefully the records will get out pretty fast. My family physician said they sent theirs out today so hopefully that will be the end of it and we can get a decision.

The main thing that concerns me is can we get me to 20 hrs a week by Aug 28th and will my employer work me like they have others even if it means I am not on the phone. That is all up to them. If they are not willing to do that then Emily and I face the very real possibility that I will be on disability and not employed. But, we have a little more than a month and hopefully we can work something out because I have already told every doctor that I want to return to work. But, I think it is time to begin the process of SSI just to have some income. I just hate this and want my life back. I just never expected all of this when I went out for a simple lap band procedure. But, I told my speech therapist as I left today that she is dealing with a rocky who will not give up. Not yet. I still have fight in me and God's willing I will regain my life. But, most of all I have my wife and children and they make this worth fighting for and living for.

It is interesting how on a day I could sleep in, I still woke at 8:30. For a lot of people that is sleeping in I guess but for me before I had children sleeping in could be as late as noon. But, I think it is good that I got up, I had breakfast and watched some TV until about 1 then the pain in my left leg was just too much. I went back to sleep and really took a long nap. Taking naps is nothing unusual for me but usually it is only 1-2 hours but today it was more like 4 hrs. Now, I have to admit that I have taken 4 hr naps before but not lately so today was just a bit different and I mean I really slept. I was completely out. When I woke, I had to check on the dogs. This is the one thing that kind of scares me because I have fallen once when checking on them. Today, I stumbled a bit but did not fall so that was good. I have my phone with me at all times but in this heat and ants are the biggest concern if I were to fall and not be able to get back up. I do feel heat but it is not like it was once. I'm not sure how to explain it but my sensations are just different and the dogs do need to be looked in on. I just wish I spent more time with them. I feel they are being neglected for affection which is what they want. So, they do have cold water and food and the basics of life and I do try to pet them for at least a few minutes just to assure them they are loved.

The pain in my left leg has now moved to my thigh. The pain in the foot is constant but it is moving up and the tingling in my fingers continues so I have no explanation still no further word on disability and I know I need to start investigating SSI and I have to do some more research on the VA disability so Wednesday will be a target date for that.

I did get some things done today. Mainly involving prescriptions. But, it was something. Tomorrow will be a very busy day as I have therapy in the morning and have to pick up my prescriptions on my way home by then I know I will be worn out and ready for some rest.

I miss my wife and children greatly and it is this part of this time of day that is the hardest because I am used to giving baths and preparing dinner which is usually just hot dogs and simple things that I can do so this is this lonliest part of day for me. Mornings are tough because I am used to getting the family up and going but the evening when I get them ready for bed and I miss my daddy kisses before bed. I miss my wife and all the things she does and how she just gives the house that woman's touch. I just keep telling myself it is only a week and it will be over soon enough.

I do think the angina medicine is working. I am still having some chest pain but right now it is better. It is worse at night but overall I would say it is better. We will see how that goes but if I can get some releaf on that then that is one less thing I have to worry about.

So, that was my day. Tomorrow will be busy which will be good and I am looking forward to therapy and working out.