I didn't blog yesterday so today's blog may be a bit long. Of course long for me is 2 or 3 paragraphs!! LOL. My wife and girls left yesterday for the beach and so I am home by myself. I will admit it is scary to a degree but I have my phone with me at all times and getting around the house is not too bad for me. I have learned how to navigate the house on my own anyway so the hardest part was last night when there was no noise in the house. It is amazing how quiet the house gets when the girls are not here. Emily made me some food before she left so I am good and yesterday Jason and Jordan went with me fishing so I got out of the house and this morning I went to breakfast at Church. I didn't stay for Church but I did enjoy the interaction with the folks there. My left leg is in some pain today but nothing too bad and I continue to have chest pains. But, the doctor said it would take some time for the new medicine to get in my system so I just have to be patient.

We had a guy fall at church who is in surgery right now with only a 10% chance to survive so it makes my problems seem so small. God has a way of putting things in perspective. There is always someone worse off than I am. I continue to fight and will not give in. I am determined to make that 20 hrs a week by the deadline given by my job. Right now though, I would ask everyone to pray for the guy that fell at our Church today and his family and that he will defy the odds.

I do have a busy week ahead with therapy and counseling so it will keep me from staying in the house everyday and will get me out.

Well, I guess that is it. I miss my family and hope they are having fun but it sure is quiet around here. Funny how you look forward to having some quiet time then when you get it you miss the noise. Really makes you appreciate what God has given you!

Sometimes it amazes me how God manages to push me even when I want to just sit still. Today, I had my counseling session and it just makes me feel good to talk about the issues in my life. Right now the biggest stress is worrying about my disability and if the extension will be continued and if this issues is permanent or can it be fixed and finally will I be able to keep my job. I really want and need this job and now that we are up against a time table my stress level is up.

Today I really did a lot but it felt good to do things. I had some tremors and some chest pain and right now I am totally exhausted but I did things. I just don't want to over do things and have a set back. My doctor's biggest concern is overdoing it but today was the last day before Emily and the girls leave for the beach. I will be alone for a week which does kind of worry me but at the same time it will allow me to challenge myself and get some rest.

I talk a lot about what is wrong with my health. But, there is also a lot right about my life. For example. My children love me and reach up for kisses and hugs. My wife made me home made squash cassarole (sp) to enjoy while they are gone. I have friends who care enough to help us out when their own lives are busy. I have my God and he sustains me. I get to snuggle with my little ones and tell them how much I love them and how beautiful they both are. God has given me so much so even if the worst happens. Even if this is permanent and I do lose my job, I have the love of my children and family and one hug makes all the problems go away even for a minute. The pain is still there and walker is still there and the speech is also an issue but those eyes and hair and little arms make it all bearable. So despite it all I am a blessed man.

Not too much to blog about today. I saw my family doctor who does not want me returning to work while under going therapy because he is concerned that the stress would set me back and he is still concerned about the tremors. I did get him to agree to a written note giving me permission to drive to medical necessary events but other than that he does not want me driving. I did make my speech and some occupational therapy. The speech therapist have a series of tests to assess where I am with my reflexes and to help coordinate my brain function which should help my speech. She also told me that right now they have me scheduled through Sept 21st. But, they are constantly assessing where I am and it may be extended or I could be discharged earlier. It depends on my progress. Weather I will be able to speek with customers by August 28th remains to be seen but I have to find a way to control that stress.

I contacted my disability and she has not received the records from the home health folks yet. I am beginning to think that I should have just gone straight to outpatient instead of home health care. My family doctor said his records and disability information should be sent Monday. HealthSouth and Dr Westerkam's office said they had not received a request so I forwarded their fax number again and the home health folks said they mailed the records last week so maybe my disability specialist should get it soon perhaps the 4th of July weekend is the reason it is delayed. I'm not really worried that the claim will be approved but I am worried as to how long it may take and of course I am worried about my job. I think we will be able to get me to 20hrs a week by August 28th but it will be close. Still, God is in control. I just want need any more stress and neither does my wife and kids. One thing I have learned is how folks who are on disability deserve respect and dignity and I will admit I have not always given them that. Just another lesson God has taught me through all of this.

Well, tomorrow I have my weekly meeting with my counselor which I look forward to. It helps to talk and it helps me put things in perspective, and it helps reduce stress.

I always look forward to seeing my cardiologist. He has such a good way with patients and is just a great guy. Also, I felt I was going to finally get some good news on the blood pressure issue and I was right. He had told me that the new BP medicine would take some time to get into my system but based on the readings he overlooked it appeared my BP was leveling out in both arms. Still a bit faint and they want me back in another month becauuse of the chest pain. He did show me where there are probably small blockages in the non essential arteries which are not life threatening but it can certainly be painful and feel like a heart attack. It is a type of angina but the most important thing is it will not harm my heart it is just painful and there is a medicine for it!! YEA!! I GET TO TRY YET ANOTHER MEDICINE! He said it took a little while to get in my system and I have to take it twice a day. But, it might help with the angina and keep me from having to take the nitro when the symptoms are so bad like they were when we were in Virginia.

I came home after the apt and took my meds because I did have a tremor while at the doctors office but I managed to calm myself down and I did not fall so I am learning how to slow down and that affects the tremors. I didn't sleep very long because tomorrow is going to be a very busy day with an 7:30 apt with my family doctor then therapy so I will be worn out by midday but I want to go to therapy and my doctor takes patients that early and this will give us time to talk and make a plans for my disability. I look forward to a good day of therapy and just a good day in the Lord.

Today didn't start very well. I got up and thought I had turned off the alarm so it would not wake Emily and she could sleep a little. I was using the bathroom when I heard it go off. I really thought I had turned it off but I had not and it did wake her but luckily she did go back to sleep. I am not sure how long she was able to sleep because I had to leave for therapy but at least she did get to sleep in a little. Tomorrow should be better as I don't have therapy only a dr apt at 11:15. It is with my cardiologist and we have a lot to discuss. I am learning more and more to depend on my calendar on my phone because I forget to much.

Therapy went pretty well. My bp did move around but not too bad. It was high but the biggest thing was before we even began working out and at complete rest my heart rate was at 100 kind of fast and they did say the BP readings were faint so these things will need to be addressed. But, the main event was speech therapy. I am so glad to be with a doctor of speech and I know I am getting the best care possible. One thing she asked was my voice higher, lower, or the same since this event in March. I didn't know so I texted Emily and she said she had not really thought about it much but she thought it was lower. The reason that is important is even a slight change shows something physical happened instead of just in my head. So, if you read this and know me I know it is a lot to think about but do you feel my voice has changed in anyway or is it the same as it was before the incident in March. I tend to think it is a bit lower. But, I don't know for sure. I do know I get tired talking even though I like to talk. The bottom line is the more we can give the doctors the more we can find a reason for all of this and hopefully prevent it from getting any worse or coming back on me.

Occupational therapy I felt went well but I was so tired and I noticed that my right hand felt weaker than normal. The tingling in my arms continues.

I came home and tried to do a few things to help Emily. She at least got some time to read a book while Eva napped and Cottia watched some TV so that was good. I napped as is normal but I am going to bed earlier now trying to get my body on a different type of schedule. Now earlier is 11pm or at the latest 11:30.

One other thing the speech therapist thing did say is she wants to do so much with me and she will not be done with me by August 28th but hopefully my job will find something I can do while continueing speech therapy. God willing I will be able to do something even if it is just updating addresses. It is all in his hands now.

So, it was another interesting day but God continues to be in control and I feel his presence everyday.

Happy 4th of July to everyone! Let's celebrate our freedom as Americans. But, most of all, let's celebrate our freedom in Christ!! Just a few updates on me. I got up last night headed to bed and fell in the kitchen. It hurt but I fell against the cabinets so I didn't hit my head and I braced a little for the fall. I am a bit sore this morning but once again God is good and there is nothing broken.

I slept pretty good but my left leg which is where I fell hurt a lot and is still sore this morning. I expect it will be for a while.

I woke about 7:15 this morning to take Jason, my surrogate son, and his cousin Jordan fishing. The boys had a blast and it is good for me to get out but I did over do it a bit. I felt my pace maker working and had a few chest pain but I woke with chest pain and took nitro which cleared it up. It came back as I caught some fish so exursion does bring on some pain but it has calmed down now that I am home and have taken a valum.

Another day, another adventure. We had our God daughter over for the night which meant more work for Emily but I did my best to help. I got up this morning and watched all three girls while Emily slept. I'm not sure when she woke up but I sent the girls for her around 9:30. I had been up with them since around 7. They really didn't want breakfast so it wasn't too bad. I just let them but on their bathing suits and go outside and play. Eva is so cute and tried so hard to keep up and really does a pretty good job. They found cataba worms in the yard and had a blast catching them. I made every effort to stay up for as long as I could just to try to keep pushing myself even after Emily had gotten up. We also had another guest my surrogate son Jason and he woke up around lunch time pretty typical for a teenager but he did go outside and so Emily did not have to do everything which was good. Jason is great with the kids and loves them like sisters and spent a good deal of time with them. I finally just gave out and went back to bed at 12:30. I was exhausted and my left foot was in a lot of pain but I had promised to take Cottia fishing and I had Jason with me so he was a great help. Emily took Chloe home and went shopping. I felt bad that she could not go fishing with us but I am working very hard on having a day off for her next week in the hopes she can go fishing or do whatever she wants to. My neice has ageed to watch the girls so Emily just has to pick the day she wants off probably next Friday. I didn't have a tremor but I did feel my speech was a little worse today and I have tingling in my left fingers and toes so I don't think that is a good sign. Still we went fishing and Cottia caught the biggest fish. We all caught 2 fish but one got back in the water. It was just nice to be with her. I just need to relax now and settle down. All in all a pretty good day if I could just get this pain in the foot and the tingling in the fingers figured out. The tremors are still there but I don't think I had one today other than in my hands. I am so tired now and my chest is a bit tight but hopefully it is nothing. I have the nitro in case I need it I just hope I don't pay for all I did with a bad night which has been the case in the past.

I appreciate all my wife did to make this a very special weekend for Cottia, Chloe and Eva. We had pizza and swimming and a lot of just good fun for kids. I am also grateful to Jason for all his help while we were fishing. He is such a good young man and does anything I ask him to do to help out. So, now, I begin to wind down and hope I can get some rest tonight. Cottia spends the night off tomorrow so all we have to worry about is Eva. I almost wish Jason would just stay with us because I can use the help and in so many ways he is like a son to me. But, once again, my wife made the decisions and made the weekend special for the girls in difficult times.

On another note, there truly is nothing like fishing with my Cottia. Teaching her the things my grandfather taught me because my dad never did is very special and the fact that I am also teaching Jason makes it all the more special because he as never been taught these basic things either. It gives me a sense of purpose. I just need to learn to not exceed my time outside because I am so tired right now. Still, I plan to do it again as soon as I can. As long as I have Jason or another adult with me I can sit behind my walker and hope for the best. There is nothing like fishing with your child and even your surrogate child.

Happy 4th to everyone. I hope it is a great one and safe one for all.