My weight loss journey

2012-01-31T13:23:00.000-08:00

Today is Tuesday and it has been the day of falls. I had therapy this morning and on the way out of the rehab hospital I started to tremble and then fell. I didn't really feel any pain but more frustration than anything else. So, I came home and took my pain medicine and as I was coming in the front door I feel again. So, I am in a lot of pain right now and could not really sleep so I am really tired. But, I will get through it. I will admit to being a bit discouraged and am ready to find out what is causing these falls. One fear I have is breaking the lap band but the tremors are also associated with the falls. They either occur after the fall or before and of course there are plenty of times when I just tremor and don't fall. So, that is about it for right now. I'm tired so I'm not going to make this blog very long. I continue to pray that each of you who reads this is blessed by our God in heaven and that your lives are rich and full of his grace. Take care and have a great evening.

t

2012-01-29T17:02:00.000-08:00

Today is Sunday and what a great day of worship and freedom it has been. I actually felt stronger. But, I was also able to take a good nap. I do feel like I am catching a cold and both girls and Emily have one so it was only a matter of time before I would get the cold.
We have been doing 40 days of prayer at our church and I do feel the power of the spirit moving. God is so good..
Our family is dealing with the stroke of my last uncle on my mother's side. He had the stroke this past week and it is massive on the left side. It has affected his speech and he is in a lot of pain. I did also get an update that he is weaker today but we are still hopeful. It is very emotional for me not just because he is my uncle but he also build the house we are living in. I have always said he built this house for us! We ask for your prayers.
Now, for an Eva story. Yesterday, I was listening to some amazing music and one of the singers was a finalist on America's got Talent. She sang Ava Maria and it was just perfect. Eva does not sit still for anything but she was totally still for this and she looked at me and said "She is an angel." Eva then began to sing and I realized that Eva may have a talent I was not aware of. I have never believed in pushing my children towards anything. I want them to discover what they love and what they want to persue. But, I have to wonder if Eva will discover a love of music. It was a special time for me and my little girl.
Now for a Cottia story. Well, today my little girl actually got a ring from her "boyfriend." It was cute but I will admit that old daddy's heart skipped a bit. She is growing up and ther is nothing I can do about it. I still miss those days when I had to get up with her in the middle of the night for bottle feedings and just holding her and loving every minute of it and now those days are gone but not forgotten. I took pictures of Cottia and her ring and when we got in the sanctuary Hunter and Cottia posed for a picture with her little ring. Hunter's family is wonderful and we all like each other. But, the most important thing to me is that Hunter is growing up in the Church and that is so important to me. I'm not saying Hunter is the one but I am saying I am happy if life brings my oldest daughter a man in her life that is already in Church and not one she has to invite to church. That is so important to me. Well, on the way home we were talking and Cottia said Hunter kissed her THREE times today!! I said "He is so in love with you." Her response....."Tell me about it!" I lost it. But, it was another of those moments I won't forget and will treasure in my heart for the rest of my life.
Jason is spending the weekend with us and we always enjoy having him. He and Cottia played kick ball and soccer today while I rested and Eva slept. He truly is like a big brother and I know he loves my girls and our family and frankly I don't know what we would do without him sometimes. I depend on him for so much. He took care of the dogs today and brought up wood for the wood box. But, in return he does get foot and our everlasting love and appreciation.
Now, for a weight update. I am not really able to stay on the scales long enough to get an accurate weight but either my cloths have gotten bigger or I have lost some more weight. So, I choose to believe that I am losing somemore weight. My legs seem to stay cold now especially the left one. There is pain in the calf but mostly cold. But, that is from the PVD so it is just a fact of my life. We continue to move on and I do feel my speech is getting better and I am making progress but I still have a ways to go.
Finally and as always, I pray God's richest blessings on each and everyone of you and that he will pour out his rich blessings on you all. Have a great one!!

t

2012-01-26T19:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to blog much today because it is late and I am tired. But, I did want to write down that I fell down the stairs this morning. I was a bit light headed for a good part of the day but I did manage to try to sing some and I sang for my wife and kids tonight. I had some vocal tremors and it wasn't perfect by anymeans but it was a start and I really want to sing again. It is amazing how one who has fluency issues or stutters can still sing. But, it is also important to me because it has always been such a big part of who I am. It went well for my little audiance. I also got a call from disability. I had called them twice to let them know about the falls but they had not returned my calls so I sent an emai just to be sure. I just want to be up front about my situation.
The only other thing is I am still struggling with incontinence. It hit tonight again. I do what the doctor says and I still have hard stools but if there is ever a lose one I have very little control over it. So, I am resigned that it will probably be a part of my life for the rest of my life unless God just decides to interceed. I will probably call the doctor again just to make sure there is nothing else they can do. Well, that is about it. I hope you all have a great day and pray God blesses you in a special way. He sure did me today by simply allowing me to sing even if it was a short song and even though I was hoarse after. I still did it and refuse to give up. Thanks again and good night.

t

2012-01-25T17:47:00.000-08:00

Today was a very good day for me. The lady that keeps the girls had to have to day off due to surgery for her husband. I am happy to report that all went well and he is doing well. Also, we had another friend who had cancer surgery and he is also doing well. So, I was responsible for the girls. Eva was so cute this morning before I took her to school. I am fortunent enough to have some special people that have given me their phone numbers so they come out and get Eva and bring her out for me so I don't have to get out of the truck. So, after feeding her oatmeal for breakfast we sat down and watched some educational TV before taking her to school at the Church. Then, I went to counseling and one thing I have noticed and my counselor has noticed and even my speech therapist noticed is that I don't breath! It is like I start and just cant stop enough to even take a breath. I guess I have so much to get out that I forget to breath. Maybe that is what is causing the falls. Who knows. Anyway, the session went well and then I came back to the church to get Eva then we went through the drive through at Subway to get lunch and came home. We watched somemore educational TV then it was time to go get Cottia. I was already worn out but we brought Cottia home where she did her homework and had some pizza to eat. I put Eva down for a nap and left Cottia to watch TV while I laid down to take a nap. I did get some rest and then it was time for the girls to go to Awana's. Emily always takes them and they seem to have had a fun time. So, I learned today that I am still very weak and get tired at the least thing. I also learned how much it means to say the right thing to my girls. This morning I told Eva just how beautiful she was. Her response was I KNOW!! It was one of those moments when you laugh but you also treasure for the rest of your life. I also have to learn how to breath and I am still prone to falls. I got dizzy this evening but I made it and am glad I had this day with my girls. They are also so special in how they worry about me and that I may fall. So, that was the day. My right foot is in a lot of pain and the bruising is worse. The knee ligament strain also hurts but the left leg is also weak but stable. I am just ready to go to Charleston and hopefully get some answers. In the mean time I am just going to trust God and do the best that I can. The other thing I know is that I will continue to fight for each day with all I have and hope that the day will come soon when I am back to full strength and the laugh that so many people have said they miss will be back. As I always do I end this blog wishing you all the very best and pray God's blessings on you all. Have a great day tomorrow and evening tonight.

t

2012-01-23T12:43:00.000-08:00

Today is Monday and I started the day as normal. Got up and got the girls going. Cottia was a little slow compared to how she usually is but I think she was just tired from a busy weekend and I know how much she worries about me. As the morning went on I noticed some swelling in my right knee and the pain was beginning to increase. But, I needed to pick Eva up from pre-school so I went and got her. The teacher was good enough to bring her out so I didn't have to get out of the truck. We were meeting Ms June for lunch to see if she thought she could fix my Carolina Blazer from where it was torn when I fell Wednesday. Ms. June did feel she could fix it and Maw Maw called so I took Eva over to their house. I will admit that I was worried that I might fall with her alone and that would not be good. So, I went on to the urgent care and they took a look at my knee and I have a strained or torn ligament in my right knee. There is some swelling under the knee cap and it will just have to heal. So, another day another story. I am home and waiting on my wife and girls to get home. One thing I am learning is how to work through the pain. I have decided to go to therapy tomorrow no matter what and just work through the pain. The doctor did say I could go to therapy so that is good.
Well, that is about it. I'm sure there will be stories of the evening once the girls get home. Eva is so cute. She holds onto my walker and walks in front of me she says to make sure I don't fall. Cottia just holds my hand and loves on me. She actually has become a pretty good back rubber! Once again, I pray God will richly bless each of you and pour his grace out on you.

t

2012-01-22T16:54:00.000-08:00

It has certainly been an interesting week. This is the first time that I remember falling twice. Once was Wednesday when I went to counseling. I know what happened in that case and there was no real damage. I did go to the urgent care but just some pain and soreness was all I suffered. I did have some tremors and they continue to disturb me as to exactly why and what causes them.
Then, today after Church, on the way out I fell down the handicapped ramp. I've been down that ramp many times and have had no trouble so I am not sure why it happened. At first I didn't think I had hurt myself very badly. But, my body feels pain later than normal. Right now, I am in a lot of pain. My chest really hurts and I do have some scrapes on the left elbow. I also have a headache but I think that is because of the tremors. They were far worse today than Wednesday. But, I also think that was because so many people saw the fall and that the sermon really touched me. I know I hold bitterness about certain issues that I have to let go of and to forgive which is usually not a problem for me but right now they are. So, I have to find a way to just let all of this go and who knows but maybe it will help towards healing and wholeness. I was helped by some tremendous people who got me in a chair and put blankets over me to keep me warm and even followed us home to make sure I got in until I could settle down. I was exhausted but I can only imagine how Emily and my girls must have felt. I know Eva was crying but she was also very caring and concerned. Cottia was her usual stalwart self and helped with my walker and both my girls have already seen too much for children their ages. My wife was also a rock and made sure I was comfortable. Right now it is the evening and my wrists hurt from where I tried to stop the fall but I don't think anything is broken. Probably some sprains but no breaks. So, another week but this time a little more dramatic.
Now, some fun stuff. Thursday morning Eva was harder than usual to get up. I think it was because she got to bed later than she is used too on Wednesday due to Awana's at the Church. So, when it got close to her bed time she grabbed my little finger and led me down the hall and said Daddy, I have to go to bed. I need my rest! I laughed but gladly put her in her crib. She knows to crawl up the side and I just help her get over. Then, I cover her up and we blow kisses. I must admit, she slept like a log. Friday, Cottia told me she needed an IPAD. I would not have any idea how to use one but she said she needed one so she could text her boyfriend about their dates!! But, at least she said she would need it when she was 18! My girls bring such great joy to my life that the fall are nothing compared to the joy they bring. My wife is a tower of strength and hope despite it all. She keeps going and I could do nothing without her.
Well, that is about it. Some laughter and some despair. But, that is life. It is as it always is my hope and prayer that God will richly bless your life each and every day with his rich mercy and grace.

t

2012-01-17T08:55:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was a great experience. We had Jason the entire weekend and I got to spend some time with each of my girls. Eva told me that I was " a good boy." Cottia was so protective and loving and Emily entered the chili cookoff at Church. She didn't win but she tried and I was so very proud of her.
Last night though was kind of rough for me though. The toilet backed up and I had to bend over and try to plunge then use one of those things that goes down the toilet, You twist it and it cleans out the toilet. The pain in my lower back and legs was the worst I have had that I can remember. But, I got up this morning and took Cottia to school. I hate dropping her off but enjoy the ride with her. She is so beautiful and special in my eyes. I know every parent feels that way about their children but I really think there are great things in store for this little girl.
After I dropped her off, I realized just how much pain I was in but we needed somethings from Walmart so I went and rode the little buggie and picked up the things then got gas and came back home I took some pain medicine and have been watching tv every since. The pain is still there and my legs feel awefully weak but I'll survive, I always do.
Well, that really is about it. My very being longs for all of this to be over and to be normal again but right now my life is what it is and I just keep plugging along. I hope you all have a great day and that God blesses you in a special way. I'm going to bed and then when I wake up will shower which will take it out of me even more but then my girls and wife will come home and the house will be as it should be full of life and excitement. So, again, have a great day.
t

2012-01-14T16:02:00.001-08:00

Today was a great day! I had the honor of spending most all of it with Eva and Jason. We took Eva to my mom's and Jason tried to fish but he could only stand the wind for a few minutes. Eva really seemed to have a good time. Mom got tired and needed to go to bed so we took Eva to the McDonald's where they have an indoor playground. We ate lunch there then came back home. My left leg really hurt and I was very tired but Jason was invaluable. I put Eva down for a nap but I'm not sure she even fell asleep. I had to take my medicine so I was pretty much out of it.
Emily had to take Cottia to the eye doctor because we are a bit concerned but the doctor said she does not need glasses right now which is good.
I slept for a little more than two hours but the pain in the left leg is still there. The medicine did help but it still hurts. I think the best way to describe it is it feels like a cramp only all the time. Sometimes it feels like it is on the verge of a cramp and then other times it feels like it is a full blown cramp. But, I've gotten through it and will continue to do so.
Well, that really is about it. I continue to have tremors and have no answers but God is in control and I pray he richly blesses everyone who reads this and pours out his love and grace in your life.

2012-01-12T16:01:00.000-08:00

The last two days have certainly brought new challenges and joy. On Tuesday night I fell again in the kitchen but didn't feel pain initially. Then Wednesday morning I stumbled but didn't fall. I managed to stop the fall which was a good thing. I had counseling on Wednesday so I went there instead of the doctor. I kind of have learned when it is a sprain and there really isn't very much they can do other than pain killers. Then, today was physical therapy which went pretty well. I did have some tremors during the therapy but I think I was just tired because I didn't sleep very well last night.
My girls continue to bring great joy and laughter to my life and Cottia is doing pretty well at school. Eva seems to be a little under the weather again but I wonder if she has allergies. I'm just not sure. But, of course the weather is not helping.
The pain in my left leg is really bad tonight and was rough during the workout this morning but that is just a part of the disease and I just have to live with it.
Jason went to Ft Jackson for MEPS and he is healthy enough to get into the military but has to pass his ASVAB test so we are going to get him some study materials and allow him to come over and use my computer to study so he can pass and get in. It is hard to think of him leaving but it is the best thing for his life and that is what we all want. We are so very proud of him and all his efforts to better his life.
Well, that is about it. I'll admit I'm tired but that is just the way it goes. I guess the most frustrating thing for me is why am I falling even when using a walker. I never seem to have any warning the falls just occur but I'll get through them.
This Saturday, I am looking forward to spending the day with Eva. It will certainly be a challenge but I feel this is very important. I think it is important that each girl be given a day alone with a parent on an individual basis and I think this will be a fun day. I just enjoy the smile of all my children and it seems to give me energy and motivation to keep going.
So, I pray God's blessings on you all and that he will spill out great joy in your lives.
Oh, one more thing! I cannot weigh due to the tremors but the cloths that Emily bought for me last year when I had lost all the weight still fit!! I was thrilled because I was worried that I may have been gaining weight and I may have gained some but it is not enough to cause me not to be able to get into my new cloths which is a great feeling!!

2012-01-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

Today has certainly been a day of ups and a little frustration. First, I went to therapy but they did not have me on the schedule. Apparently there had been a mix up so we worked it out that I will go Thursday and Friday. Well, I didn't realize that I had an eye appointment Friday so I called the eye doctor's office and they have moved me to Monday so I will be able to keep all the appointments which is good.
Jason went to Fort Jackson today to take his MEPS. I must admit, I am really going to miss that kid when he goes but it is time for he to discover the man God wants him to be and Emily and I are fully behind him. He is like a son to me and I just want what is best for him and I truly think this is the best thing for him.
We actually have two praises tonight. One is that putting on cloths is still a challenge for me but I tried on some cloths that Emily bought for me last summer after I had initially lost so much weight. IT FIT AGAIN!! The other was Cottia had two library books that we could not find. We searched everywhere in the house and no sign of them. So, Cottia started praying and has been praying for at lea...st a week that God would reveal to us where those books were so we would not have to pay for them. Well, tonight we found them!! Both books. So, that is one less expense we have to worry about and Cottia immediately through the encouragement of her mother gave God thanks and glory for showing us where those books were!! God is so good even in the smallest of things. Who would have thought that two books being found could bring such joy and peace in a home.

2012-01-09T17:47:00.000-08:00

Today is kind of a day off. I don't have therapy or counseling so I kind of get to do nothing but rest and my exercises for PT. But, this morning was a little different. There was a bomb threat at the Freshmen academy and the high school here in Swansea so I spent a great part of the morning worrying about my wife and what my child who is in the elementary school. I guess I just kept thinking to myself what kind of sick person would pull a prank like this. If you think this is cute then you are really crazy and the stress it puts on parents and kids is just not cute or even funny in the least. But, my wife did her job and the police and sherriff's department did as well and school resumed around 10:45 or so. From what I understand it was a pretty normal day other than that. It is very sad that there are people out there that would pull a prank like this or even worse that there are people that might go through with it.
I had some very intense chest pains as the morning developed and I am sure it was out of worry and frustration but honestly I don't think it was the bomb threat as much as it was the way the parents reacted. I understand the frustration and worry but there comes a point where we have to trust the people that we have put in charge that they are going to do the right thing and look out for our children and not put them in harms way. So, I ended up having to take my nitro today and the pains went away.
When the kids came home it was the usual with two little girls running around and laughing and just enjoying life. They make me life so wonderful. Emily was calm and relaxed and so life goes on.
I helped Cottia with her reading and Eva and I played a little with her dolls. She is my doll girl and Cottia is a little more out doors type. It is so interesting to me how different they are. Cottia is so cute with her teeth falling out and seeing her cute smile at this age is just priceless. My children keep me going.
Well, that is about it for another Monday. The chest pains are gone now and I feel pretty relaxed and I'm watching the national championship game. Well, tomorrow is Physical therapy and Wednesday is counseling and then physical therapy again on Thursday. So, the rest of the week is going to be pretty busy and I am glad because I know it helps keep me from getting depressed. I pray God's blessings on each of you and that his perfect will would be done in your lives.

t

2012-01-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a while since I've blogged. But, I felt the need to do so today. First for the bad news. This week I have fallen 4 times. I have a sprained left foot and a sprained right ankle. I didn't go to the doctor the two other falls but I think I have sprained both my wrists because of trying to brace for the fall. But, pain is such a part of my life now that I am just getting used to it. I did have physical therapy Thursday and it went well but we had to take it easy.
Now for the good news. I have been discharged from speech therapy for 3 months. Dr Henri said she felt it was good to take a break and that if I need to come back I can at anytime. And we will see each other when I come in for PT. My fluency is not perfect but she has given me the tools to continue to work on that can help and my hope is that I will regain all my speech abilities in the three months and not need anymore speech therapy. But, I do still struggle with speech and she did say that I am not yet ready for a call center environment so my disability is not affected plus I continue to fall and that puts myself and others at risk so I am still considered disabled.

Now for more good news. Today was one of those special days. I got to go fishing with Cottia and Jason and a good friend came with us and brough his 4 year old son. We didn't catch many fish but it was just nice to be out and to sit in the chair around that beautiful pond and just relax. Plus I had two of my children with me. I loved every minute of it. I also told Jason that I want him to sit with us tomorrow in Church as a part of our family not by himself. He is joining the army and I just want to enjoy as much time as I can with him and I know it will be hard on the girls but it is the best for him and we have to let him go. He will come back as a man and will have a future and I think that is the best possible outcome for him. I am very proud of him.

Cottia has lost so many teeth now that the tooth fairy is going broke!! She is so cute with her toothless mouth and her cute smile. She enjoys fishing and she caught the biggest fish today and really had a good time. I also enjoyed all the time with her.

Next weekend I plan to spend time with Eva just me and her. I love my girls and our adopted boy so much that my heart is full of joy and pride with each of them.

Emily continues to be the main worker in the family and she is such a remarkable person for all she does. Mother, Wife, and friend.

Well, that is about it. Life goes on and I continue to pray God's blessings on each of you and that his will would be done in each of your lives.

t

2011-12-31T18:41:00.000-08:00

Not an aweful lot to post today but this morning when I got up to get Eva up I fell. I really hurt myself and it is still painful tonight. I scraped my knee and my tailbone is really hurting. My back in really hurting but I'm moving around ok but I took a pain pill and it pretty much knocked me out for the day. I took a nap in my chair and Cottia crawled up in my lap and fell asleep which is unusual for her these days so it was nice to have her take a nap with me.
Emily make some cube steak and mashed potatoes and it was very good. The family is having fireworks at the farm but I really did not feel like going so we are staying home. I have gotten where I just don't really want to do anything on New Years eve but stay at home and avoid most any crowd.
Well, that is about it. I hope everyone has a great New Year and I pray God's blessing on you. Have a good and safe one.

t

2011-12-29T16:25:00.000-08:00

Today I had the girls for the entire day. It was nice to just stay home with them. I couldn't do very much but they are pretty self sufficient. This morning though I woke to Cottia having tried to make her own breakfast. She had combined grits and oatmeal with milk and water and tried to microwave them. What a mess. So, I had to make a decision. Do I punish her? Or, do I just let her know she made a mistake and not to ever do anything like that again. I chose the later. It took some doing and a lot of pain but I got the mess cleaned up and got her something she could eat. Lunch was not complicated just hotdogs and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Strange mixture but it was she wanted. Eva just wanted the sandwich. I still don't think she is feeling quiet herself. The girls were so good and played together and cleaned up after themselves and we had a ball. It also gave Emily a chance to stay in town and get some things done. My legs hurt like never before and it does worry me but the doctors say there really isn't very much they can do.
Well, that is about it. Needless to say I am pretty worn out but I enjoyed every minute of it just being with my girls. They are so special and even when they get into trouble it is hard to get mad at them. All I have to do is look at their faces and my heart melts.
We were also blessed to have Jason and his cousin Jordan come over and load our woodbox and take our trash out. The girls did not want Jason to leave and so he has been accepted as a part of the family and they love him like a brother.
So, tomorrow our God daughter is coming over and we are looking forward to having her as well. She is such a big part of our lives and it will be nice to have her in the house. She will spend the night and then go home Saturday. We will exchange Christmas gifts with her and it will be a very noisy house to say the least.
Once again, I pray God's blessings on each of you and that God will guide your steps. As for me, pain is just a part of my life and I have learned to live with it. My legs hurt the most and now it is in the right leg as well but life moves on and I will continue to fight to regain my life and be the man all these women deserve. It is my duty and it is my honor to be involved in all these lives. Thank you Father for allowing me the opportunity to do more than just be a man with a disability.

2011-12-28T16:59:00.001-08:00

Well, we are back home from Virginia and the trip home was not that bad. We did run into some traffic. But, Emily did a great job getting us home safe and sound. The biggest problem for me was the pain in my legs. It was overwhelming. I thought I would not even be able to walk. But, we stopped and I got out and stood next to the car to get the blood pumping. But, the pain remained. I wonder if I should call the doctor but I'm just not sure there is anything they can do.
The problem came when we got home. Eva got sick last night and threw up several times. Emily would get the throw up and put to the washing machine while I drew baths. We had two baths and one this morning. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:30am and I know I was exhausted and Emily had to be. So, I got up with the girls this morning and let Emily sleep in. When she got up I went back to bed for about 2 hours and then got up. I had to get my medications so I had to go to town and I wanted to see my mother so I took the girls with me to give Emily a break. They were both so good. We went by the pharmacy then to see mom. I was wheeled to her room because I did start to tremor and was afraid of falling. We didn't stay long but I know it did mom a lot of good and so it was worth it. Then, we had to pick up a few groceries at Wal-mart. This was the first time I had taken the girls with me but they seemed to enjoy riding the scooter so it was kind of fun for them and we didn't get much. Then, back home. Now, I am sitting and resting and watching TV. But, the pain in the left leg is still very intense. Still, I had a great time with both my girls and they were so well behaved. I just hope Eva has a better night tonight for several reasons. One is she needs a good nights rest, Second, her mother needs a good nights rest and finally, I need a good nights rest and it would mean she is over whatever caused the throwing up. She never ran a fever so I don't think she is contageous but none the less, she is my little girl and I just want her well and active.
I do need to consider a visit to the doctor but tomorrow is the only day I can go as my doctor is not in his office on Fridays and I would have to see another doctor. But, I think they will just tell me there is nothing they can do and to continue with the plavix and therapy that is the only treatment.
Well, that is about it. It is good to be home and we are thankful that God gave us a safe and wonderful trip. I pray that those who read this are blessed and that God gives you a wonderful new years!

t

2011-12-25T15:19:00.001-08:00

Well, today is Christmas and the kids were very happy with their presents. They started waking up around 2am. I think Eva had nightmares because she would scream from time to time but she was sleeping from what I could tell so I didn't have to get up just lost sleep. Cottia would toss and turn and every now and then I would look down and see her eyes open. It really was cute to watch them with the anticipation of this morning.
Our trip has been pretty good so far except I did fall in the bathroom and my butt really hurts. I think I sprained my wrists again but once again there is no reason to go to the doctor because all they would say is there really isn't anything they can do and I already have pain medicine so I'll just get through it.
Emily and her mom made a great Christmas supper and we all enjoyed it a great deal.
I have some decisions to make that are not easy. I'm still disabled but I also want to work. I have to decide between trying to sell insurance or trying to find another job which is a tough decision. I'm not getting any coordinating work but maybe that will change after the first of the year. We will just have to wait and see.
My chest is hurting and I'm sure it is due to stress but I guess we will see.
Well, that is about it. I hope everyone that reads this is richly blessed and that includes those that read this for reasons other than just to keep up with the family. I also hope everyone had a great Christmas.

2011-12-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

Today was therapy day and I am really sore tonight. But, things are progressing. Mom got moved to the same rehab hospital I was in and I am thrilled. I truly think they will do the very best for her. I know it will be hard, but it will be good for her and it will make her stronger. While I was there I asked for the same team that worked with me to work with her because I know how good they are. I just hope her stay isn't that long and that she will be able to come home soon but she will not be home for Christmas and I know that is bothering her. Hopefully she can still have a good Christmas and get a day pass to come home for a while.

Tomorrow we leave for Virginia for Christmas and I will admit I have mixed feelings about it. It was my idea to spend both major holidays up there but with mom in the hospital and another good friend of ours in the hospital with chest pains it does give me pause. Still, I just want to get up there and for the kids to have a great Christmas.

Well, that is about it. My legs hurt and I'm tired but I know Emily is too and hopefully she can get some rest while we are in Virginia. I also don't know if I will be able to blog while we are up there, it depends on if I can get on a network but if not, I wish everyone a wonderful Christmas and that God will richly bless you all.

2011-12-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

Today is a very special day. Today 12 years ago I married Emily. It is hard to believe that it has been 12 years. One thing I can say about my wife is that she is a lady. She is a mother and she loves the kids at the school where she works. She cares more deeply than she let's on. Her heart is bigger than she wants to let on but it is there. She is quiet and keeps most of her emotions to herself but she loves very deeply as well. She has stood by me through all this sickness and an uncertain future. She lives her faith and is an example to others. She is not perfect but she is mine and I am glad and blessed to have her. We were able to go out to dinner tonight and have a great supper together and then rode through some gardens lite up for Christmas. Ours is a life blessed with two little girls. A warm house and lots of love. It is not perfect, but it is ours and I am grateful to God for having her. Thank you Father for putting her in my life. No matter what ever happens in my life I am a better man for having this woman and I give you all the praise and glory for her and all she does and means to so many people. That is all I am going to blog about tonight. It is just one of those days that no matter what happens, I am blessed and the greatest blessings besides salvation is my wife and her love. I pray God blesses you all and gives you a great Christmas.

2011-12-17T16:17:00.000-08:00

Today has been a rough day. Emily had to go shopping and my mom was still in the hospital but being moved to a new room so I had to watch the girls. I never mind watching them but it just wears me out so much and I am afraid of falling but we got some lunch then I took them to play to get their energy out. I sat in my chair and did fall asleep and Eva got into Emily's makeup so I had to clean that up which was funny but also challenging. My legs are in a lot of pain right now and they are so cold which means the blood disease is in full swing. I just have to deal with it. Then, I found out that a great man of God that I have known my whole life passed this afternoon. He had a stroke a few days ago and we all knew it was only a matter of time but it was still rough. His wife played the piano in our wedding and has played many times for me to sing at their church. While we rejoice at his homecoming we are all deeply saddened by his passing. Just a sad day for our community.

I did get to speak with mom for a few minutes. She is really out of it but she is resting comfortably and hopefully will be able to come home before Christmas.

Well, that is about it. Needless to say I'm worn out and in a lot of pain tonight but I'm used to it. I did have some tremors and thought I was going to fall twice but I didn't so that is good. Tomorrow is our Church's Christmas program and Cottia is in it so I am looking forward to that and watching her perform.

So, another day in the life. I pray God's richest blessings on you all and that you will seek his will in all our lives. Have a great Sunday and praise his name in all things.

2011-12-16T17:08:00.000-08:00

Today I started the day by getting the girls up and going again but they did not cooperate very well. But, as usual, they did get dressed and ready for the day. I took Cottia to school then had a few things to get done before I could get some rest but I was back home by 9:30 and was simply worn out. I needed some rest. So, I sat down and watched some tv and then took my nap.

My mom's surgery went well but she had to have three screws put in and a pin. She was put in the ICU as a precaution due to her other health issues. I understand if all goes well she will move to another room where she will stay for probably 3-5 days. Then she will be evaluated for rehab. I hope if she has to go to outpatient or inpatient that she ends up where I go. They have an excellent staff and I know she will get the best of care.

The girls seem to have had a great day and got some presents from Maw Maw Judy and Cottia got a present from her teacher. All in all not a bad day.

Well, that is about it. I'm still pretty worn out from this morning but am looking forward to a quiet night of watching tv and going to bed. I pray God's blessings on each of you that read this blog and that he will touch you in a special way during this Christmas season. Take care and God bless,

2011-12-15T18:43:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty quiet day. I got up and got the girls ready to go all though it wasn't easy and they did need some help from mommy today. I think them staying out till 8pm on a school night is not easy on them when they are used to being in bed earlier than that. Thursdays seems to always be rougher than any other day of the week. But, I took Cottia to school then came back home to wait on news of mom and what was going on. Originally I was told she would have surgery starting between 1 and 1:30. But, her hemogloban was low and she needed blood so they gave her two pints of blood and plan to do the surgery tomorrow. The good news is the bone seems to have slipped back into place so all they have to do is put the pin in. The bad news is mom never does well during surgery and they usually have a hard time waking her after. So, tomorrow will be another stressful day of waiting. It was decided that it is best if I stay home instead of trying to go to the hospital because if I have a tremor then the hospital will probably have to admit me and if I fall then they will have no choice. I did suffer a lot of tremors early in the day but once I knew how her day was going I began to calm down and so did the tremors. It is hard thinking about her being up there but her husband is with her and she sounds like she is going to be ok. Her husband whose name is Vance says the doctors don't seem too worried about the procedure and she should do fine. So, we just have to get through it.

So, that is about it. As for me, my leg continues to be in a lot of pain and so are my wrists. I almost fell once today but I didn't which is good news. Well, I hope you all have a good night and I pray God blesses you all very much.

2011-12-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

Today was counseling day and I always look forward to that. We have reached a point now where I think we are going to really be working on some issues that I have may have not wanted to face. But, it is a big step towards healing. So, please pray for me as I travel this road which may be painful at times but I think it is necessary.

Cottia and Eva seem to have had pretty normal days. Eva continues to cough but no fever and she is full of energy go I think she just needs to let it run it's course.

The bad news today is my mom fell and broke her hip. She is in the hospital and will have surgery tomorrow and will have a pin put in. I am not sure how I will handle things because seeing her may upset me leading to a tremor but then she is my mother and I feel I need to be there. The last thing we need is for both of us to end up in the hospital so I will see how I feel in the morning and what I think is best to do.

Please pray for my mom and may God richly bless you in all ways.

2011-12-12T16:57:00.000-08:00

Pretty typical Monday. No therapy so I spent most of the day resting. I was sore from the fall last night and the knot on my right wrist has gotten a little bigger and the pain in that wrist is also worse so apparently it took the brunt of the fall. Other than a headache everything else was ok.

Eva seems much better but her nose hurts which is from the cold she has. Poor thing. I feel so sorry for her because I know how that feels and it is really painful. Still she is playing and seems to be feeling like her old self.

Cottia had kind of a rough night from a behavior point of view but she made up for it with her school work. I am so proud of her and while I don't fully understand how the Montesorri (sp) school works from what I gather she is ahead of most of the students in her class. We just have to keep her focused and keep her trained on doing her homework and moving forward. I could not be more proud of her and her school accomplishments. This Sunday she will be in our Christmas special at the Church and she is really working hard on that so I know she will do well.

Well, that is about it. Emily is at the Beta club inductions tonight so I am waiting for her to get home. I hope you all have a great evening and pray God's richest blessings on you all.

2011-12-11T16:59:00.000-08:00

Eva seems much better tonight. She is still coughing but her fever seems to be gone. I stayed home with her this morning and this afternoon as Cottia had practice for the Church's Christmas program. It wasn't much to do because she was so sick. So, she get her dolls and we basically snuggled and watched a little tv. When Emily and Cottia got home she ate a little and then went back to bed. She slept for several hours and after she got up, I gave her some medicine and she ate some yogurt. But, the best news is she seemed to have a lot more energy. I gave her more medicine and then we set back down and watched some more TV. She felt better but still did not seem to be 100% back to normal. Finally, mom and Cottia got back home from practice and it wasn't long before Eva was ready for bed so I put her down and she smiled and blew kisses at me. We kind of have a tradition because I can't reach over the railing when I put her to bed so she knows she has to crawl up the side then I guide her over. So, since I can't reach all the way down to kiss her we just make kisses at each other. You would have to see it to fully understand but it is a nice tradition for us.

Cottia is doing fine but last night Emily got up with Eva because frankly I didn't feel very well myself and I didn't hear her which is very unusual for me. I can sleep through a phone ringing and even an alarm clock going off but if one of my children makes the slightest noise I hear it. But, not last night. So, I hope Emily can get some rest tonight.

I didn't eat a lot today myself but I still tried to do some things and one of them was to put down a rug in the front room that had been washed. I turned around and apparently did it too fast so of course I fell. I didn't really hurt myself but I think I did aggrevate my wrist sprain so I am wearing the wrap again. There is a slight scrap on my knee and I have a bit of a headache but I don't think I hit my head. I think I am just tired and my body is just causing me to have a headache.

So, that was basically my Sunday. Nothing special just another day in the life. I do feel a little pain in my chest area but it is more like rug burn than anything else so I think that is from the fall. I pray God will bless you all and pour out his blessings on each of you.

2011-12-09T16:27:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty typical Friday. No therapy or very much to do. I was able to get some rest but as I write this my heart is giving me some trouble. The old elephant on the chest thing but I'm going to give it some time to pass before worrying about it.

The girls seemed to have a good day but my Eva does not seem to be feeling too well. I gave her some medicine before putting her to bed. I knew she wasn't feeling well when she asked to go to bed instead of being told it was time to go to bed.

Cottia went over to the neighbors house to play and I think she will sleep well tonight. At least I hope so.

Jason is coming tomorrow to spend the night so I will have all three of my kids in the house so that will be nice.

Well, that is about it. the pain in the leg has moved to the lower back but is also still in the leg but there really isn't much that can be done. So, life goes on.

I pray God's blessings on you all and pray that he will smile on all your dreams. Have a great night and weekend.

2011-12-08T17:22:00.001-08:00

Today was one of those good news bad news kind of days. First for the good news. I woke this morning and helped get the family going as I always do. The girls were not as good this morning as usual but I think that has to do with Wednesday nights Awanas. They get to bed later than they are used to but still have to get up the next morning and go about their normal day so I think that is why they are a little more cranky in the morning.

I did take Cottia to school like I usually do. She seemed to be ready to go to school and when she got home this evening she seemed to have had a good day. Eva was typical Eva. Too much toothpaste and playing in the water in the bathroom.

I had therapy and physical therapy was very painful. The therapist did some work on my calves which on the left leg is the most painful from the PVD. The pain was off the chain. In fact I would go so far as to say it hurt worse than any of the falls I have taken. The only pain that has been rough is the pain in the tailbone. But, I also was able to stand and sit 5 times on my own. I did have some tremors but I didn't fall. I did every exercise but the doctor has already told me that the disease is not going to get any better and the only treatment is plavix and the exercises I am doing so at least I have the comfort in knowing that I am doing all I can do. Then it was off to speech. My fluency is better but the speech doctor said she noticed a lot more vocal tremors today but some of that may have been from being so tired from the physical therapy.

I came home and was very tired so I got some rest and waited on the girls to get home. I woke up, took a shower and then decided I would try to do some things around the house. So, I folded some cloths and even that just took it all out of me. Normally it is my job to give the baths but tonight I asked Emily to do it. I just did not have the energy. I napped on my chair but I did help with the girls supper before hand.

Now, I am resting and watching TV and waiting on tomorrow. The pain in my left leg lower calf area is off the chain right now but it is from the therapist and the work he did on my leg.

So, that is about it. I am exhausted and have decided to try to go back on my protein diet to lose some more weight before Christmas. I pray God's blessings on you all and that his perfect will would be done in your lifes. Have a great night!!

2011-12-07T13:07:00.000-08:00

Well, as it turns out the weather did get bad today and it is still raining as I am writing. I did get Cottia's laundry done but man do my legs hurt and my wrist is really hurting. But, I got it done. It still amazes me how tired I get just doing so little. My heart also seemed to be out of sink today. Like it was off a beat or something. Not sure what that was but it straightened out after a while. I do wonder if that is why I get so tired. As of now it is still set for Feb 22nd for my appointment in charleston. I still have hope that it will get moved up but we will have to see how that works out.

Tonight is Awana's at the Church and I am not so sure that the girls should go but I'll let their mother make that decision.

Well, the girls should be home shortly and I hope they had a great day. I always look forward to hearinng how their day went. They usually seem to enjoy telling me about their day.

Well, that is about it. At least so far no falls today so that is good news. I continue to pray that God will bless you all and keep you in his perfect will. Have a good night and an even better day tomorrow.

2011-12-06T18:07:00.000-08:00

We had a pretty good weekend but I didn't go to Church due to the pain in my wrists. We got the Christmas decorations up and the girls were delighted. It is so wonderful to see that gleam in their eyes. I can tell Cottia is very worried about me and it breaks my heart. No little girl should have to worry about their father it should always be the other way around.

Tonight is a prime example. She was in her schools Christmas program which I went to. The walker was difficult to use on the floor but I made it to the auditorium. I did have a tremor and almost fell but I didn't and the show went on as they say. She did so well and looked so cute up there. My mom and her husband plus my cousin all came and I know it meant so much to her. But, when we were walking in and back out she did not want to get too far ahear of me. Witnessing the fall outside I think has taken it's toll on her.

I am supposed to have counseling tomorrow but they are calling for rain and I am nervous about driving in the rain so I cancelled for this week. I will look forward to next week. '

I continue to be amazed at God's grace and his mercy. Despite it all we are all still together and moving forward. I don't know what his plan is but I want to follow it and be in the center of his will. Ironically enough I also want to just be left alone. I want to be working and while I have gotten used to not working I miss that everyday interaction with the people I used to work with. Despite all that happened there are a lot of good people there and they make up for the few that do not have the client or employee's interest at heart.

Emily continues to amaze me at all she does. She is truly amazing. I still long for a third child but doubt it will ever happen. But, I will leave that in God's hands. I have to get well first. So, that is about it. Again, I hope you all have a great evening and may God richly bless you. t

2011-12-02T17:52:00.000-08:00

After the fall yesterday I thought today would be an easy day but I decided to try to do some things that I probably should not have because I wanted my girls to come home to some Christmas things and be excited. Well, I fell again this time on the steps in our house. I hurt my shin and it really hurts pretty badly. Then, Cottia and I were outside and she was bringing in some things and I fell again but this time it was really bad. I hurt my right knee and both wrists. There is some swelling in the right knee and a bump on the right wrist. The left does not seem as bad but it is painful. I'm not going to blog a lot again because of the pain my wrists are in but I think I will go to the urgent care tomorrow just to get checked out. My chest is also hurting from the fall so it has been a rough day but Emily and the girls are home and a very good friend of ours came over and was kind enough to do some things for us. I am just tired and ready for all this to be over but it shows no signs of letting up. I don't think I have had three falls in two days since this whole ordeal began. I just pray it will get better but I also have to do a better job of taking care of myself and realizing my limitations. So, I will just leave it at that and wish you all a good night. I continue to pray God's blessings on you all and that his perfect will would be done in your lives.

On a lighter note Eva said that she has been both good and bad this year. Well, at least she told the truth and the elf has made it's first appearance which is good. I love this time of year and despite everything that has happened to us I am determined to make this a great Christmas for our girls.

Well, thatt is about it. Have a good night and again, I pray God's blessing on you all.

2011-12-01T17:29:00.001-08:00

Today was rehab and I thought things were going pretty well. We were working on the stairs and I had my left foot on the floor while holding on with both hands. I felt I was doing pretty good but I fell. The good news is it was a more controled fall than before but the bad news is as the day has gone on the pain in my wrists both wrists has gotten worse and there is tingling in my fingers. I am still considering weather to go to the doctor or not but I will give it tonight and see how I feel tomorrow.

I'm not going to write too much because it hurts but I will say that I am sick of all of this. I did get a call that they do have me on a waiting list but they do not expect me to get to see the movement specialist before the Feb date.

So, with that I will just say I wish you all well and pray God's blessing on you all. Take care and have a good night.

2011-11-30T13:48:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty typical day. Not much going on other than getting the kids ready for their day then taking Cottia to school. After I dropped her off, I had an appointment for counseling in Lexington so I stopped by the Wal-Mart on the way to get some things. Riding the cart is in some ways embarrassing and others kind of fun but I can't wait to be able to just walk around the Wal-Mart. Counseling went well then I came back home. I was very tired and my leg really hurt so I rested then got up took a shower and did the dishes. I used the walker because I felt so weak and didn't want to take any chances. I'm waiting on Emily and the girls to get home now and thought I would take a few minutes to blog.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my condition and really wonder how much of what has happened was caused by the incontenence issue and the way my former employer handled it. If they had provided me with proper accommodations maybe this would not have happened. It just seems very conincidental but I am not sure if it can be proven.

Well, that is about it. The girls have Church tonight and tomorrow will I have rehab. I know I'll ge tired but it makes me stronger and is the best treatment for me right now.

I pray God's richest blessing on you all and that his perfect will would be done in your life.

2011-11-29T07:01:00.000-08:00

Well, we had a great time in Virginia for Thanksgiving. I just feel bad that Emily had to drive the entire way both up and back. The pain in my legs was very intense on the way up but not as bad on the way back. I almost fell once while up there but managed to get control. I also had tremors and those are never easy and always take it out of me. But, I managed to get through. I am glad we went as Emily's grandmother is not doing very well and she is so special to Emily and to me. Emily pulled so much as she made a great thanksgiving meal and cleaned her grandmother's house. I did all I could with the girls but taking a shower was a real challenge and was my greatest fear.

We made it back home safely last night and this morning I had to get some medicines taken care of and also got my date set with the movement specialist. Right now it is Feb 22 but I called and requested to be put on a waiting list in case they can see me sooner. I know it is a long shot but if we can get in December then I will still be covered under my old insurance which is better than the new.

I am still hoping that I can get some more business with Colonial and some more coordinating done so I can start to build some business.

The girls are doing well but my mom suffered congestive heart failure while we were in Virginia but she is coming home today from the hospital.

What really worries me is the pain in the left leg. It is getting worse and I may need to see my doctor just to be the safe side.

Right now, I am very tired which is normal after doing the slighest thing and today just going to get my medicines was a chore. But, I have so much to be thankful for that I need to focus on that.

I have rehab this week and counseling tomorrow so I have a busy schedule ahead of me. I am really hoping to be off the walker by Christmas and so does Cottia.

Well, that is about it. I plan to watch a little tv and then to get some rest for today. One final thing the Gamecocks beat Clemson for the third straight time 34-13 and Virginia Tech beat UVA 38-0 so it was a great weekend in football!!

Well, I hope everyone has a great week and may God bless you all.

2011-11-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

Wow, it is hard to believe that this is my 345 blog but it is so let's get started. Eva did not have a good night. She woke again about 3am which makes the third straight night she has done that. Earlier in the evening she told me she had a nightmare about me and she had dreamed it the night before. All this coming from a 3 year old. Well, she came around and I rocked her but even that didn't seem to comfort her like I wanted. Eventually she did go to bed but those 3am wake ups are not easy.

I had some things to do today which really took it out of me but they had to be done. I was exhausted by 10am and had forgotten my medicines and the PVC'S began and the tremors did too but I did eventually take the medicines and was able to lay down to get some rest. I'm still worn out but I got done what I needed to do. My leg is in a lot of pain but nothing I can't handle. My hope is that it gets better as time goes on and I continue to work out.

Well, that is about it. Not a lot to say. But, we leave for Virginia tomorrow. Please pray for Emily as she will be doing the driving and for safety for our family and all those that will be traveling. I pray God's blessings on everyone that reads this and that his mercy will rain down. Once again just in case this is my last blog before thanksgiving I pray God blesses your time with your family and friends.

Happy thanksgiving

2011-11-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

Well, today was Sunday and so it meant Church day. So, we went to Church. One thing I have noticed it just how much pain my left leg is actually in. It stays cold and the calf part is really painful. My toes also tingle from time to time and sometimes there is pain there as well but I don't see the toes spreading apart as much.

Something happened last night that I did made me take notice. I began to tell the story of the rape when I was younger and my right hand began to really tremble. The tremor lasted quite a while and I don't know if the two are connected but it does seem to be a strange coincidence. The tremor did not move to the rest of the body but it kept me from typing for a few minutes. I know memories like this can be very painful but this is the first time that I have noticed a tremor associated with me reliving the rape from so long ago. I felt my heart racing and my blood pressure certainly went up and I felt the pacemaker working.

I could not sleep so Jason and I stayed up watching some stupid movie and it helped me calm down and eventually I was able to calm down enough to fall asleep.

Well, that is about it. I had several neck tremors today but nothing major and I didn't feel much like singing but I did sing to my baby tonight before putting her to bed.

We leave for Virginia Tuesday and Emily will have to drive the entire way. She has done so much and I know she is exhausted which makes me feel even more worthless than ever. I just want my life back and to be productive. Emily is so strong and I am blessed to have her but I will admit that I don't tell her enough.

Well, that is about it. I'll try to blog some while in Virginia and but I am not sure how much I will be able to.

Once again, as for the weight if I have regained some it does not appear to be much but I am good with that. Frankly at this point, I don't care. I just want to work and contribute to my family

I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving and pray God's righly bless you all as his will sees fit. May God bless our country.

Take care and God bless.

2011-11-17T18:51:00.001-08:00

The day started out rainy and dark but ended up being a pretty nice day. My left leg had a lot of pain and the wrist is really hurting. But, I'll survive. I did have a neck tremor that was pretty bad while trying to help Cottia during her homework. She is so sweet and gently reached out and rubbed my back to help calm me down. She is also very smart and knows just the touch of her hand can calm me down.

Eva had a hard time going to sleep which is unusual for her but eventually we were able to get her to sleep.

I'm having some chest pain tonight and the PVC's seem to be worse than usualy. I'm not sure why but it has been increasing lately. Might be due to the holidays but who knows for sure. I have also noticed the tremors are happening in the night and it worries me that Emily might not be getting enough rest.

Well, that is about it. It seems I am still at the same or close to the same weight I have been based on my cloths but who knows for sure. I still trust God and his plan whatever it is. My arms tingle and there are times I feel I can't go on but he sustains me and so I continue. I pray his blessings on each of you who read this and that he will smile on you for all eternity.

2011-11-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

Today was therapy day and I think things went pretty well but my right wrist is in a lot of pain. I didn't do any walking for physical therapy but I did do the bike and leg exercises. My left leg was very weak feeling but my right did fine which is kind of the norm. Still not sure why my left side continues to feel weaker than the right.

Still no date set for the trip to Charleston but hopefully it will be soon. I am now not expecting it to be until after Thanksgiving.

Cottia has an infection and the doctor put her on an antiobiotic and she came home with me. She did sleep a little but her throat is really sore and she is resting in the living room watching TV. I think she will go back to school tomorrow but we will have to monitor her situation and see how she feel.

Well, Emily and Eva just got home so I'm going to end now. I hope everyone has a great evening and pray God's blessings on you all.

2011-11-14T05:52:00.000-08:00

Today is Monday and I have already had a full morning. It actually started last night when Cottia did not feel well. She was running a low fever and had a hard time sleeping but I gave her some medicine and she seemed better this morning. I did sleep pretty well last night and only had a few tremors nothing as major as Saturday night which is good. I took Cottia to school then went to Food Lion to pick up a few things. I have gotten used to riding in those little carts and it is actually kind of cool but I tried to walk once and nearly fell so I know right now I need to keep riding in the cart. After that I had to take off the trash as long as I stay against the truck I am ok. Then, I had one more stop to make before coming home. I fed the dogs and started a load of laundry for the girls so Emily would not have that hanging over her. I have learned how to move through the house with the cloths and while I have fallen a few times the cloths seem to soften the falls and so no damage done and it is something I can do to contribute to our family. I am now completely worn out. I so want to be productive but I also don't want a set back but now I just need to rest and regain some composure. I am a bit dizzy and my left arm is tingling a bit but hopefully it will settle down now that I have taken my morning meds. I guess we shall see.

I think Emily had a good nights sleep last night and that is my biggest concern right now. I just want her to get the proper rest.

Eva seems fine and is her usual self again. It is great being my girls father. Well, that is about it. I hope everyone has a great day and I pray God's richest blessings on you all. Have a great day!

2011-11-13T06:43:00.001-08:00

Today is Sunday morning and I am home because I had a really rough night with tremors. I'm exhausted and I know Emily has to be. I had to grab her hand to steady myself but the tremors continued. Eventually the tremors settled down and I was able to get up and take some medicine but I still did not sleep very well. Now it is important to note that I did sleep pretty well Friday night and actually went to bed around 9 and slept through the night. I even slept some on Saturday afternoon when I usually watch football but I was just so tired. I know I have had tremors at night before and even last week but I don't know if they are going on while I am asleep which worries me for Emily's sake and her much needed rest. I just wish they could figure out why I have these tremors. I did not fall this week but I did stumble once. Hopefully the movement specialist will have some answers but so far still no date is set.

I decided to deactivate my facebook page for several reasons. I may reactivate it at sometime but for now I think it is best that I just leave that alone.

Well, my wrist is really in a lot of pain right now so I am going to stop right now and just wish everyone that reads this the best. I pray God's blessings on you all.

2011-11-10T05:32:00.000-08:00

Well, today is Thursday and I know I haven't blogged in a few days but the pain in my wrist is really rough and the pain in the rib area is also painful. For the most part I have slept pretty well until last night so I had to get up several times in the night due to the pain. But, I did make it through and am still breathing ok so I don't think there is a break just the bruise the doctor talked about. But, I had to cancel my rehab both days this week which I hate but I did go to counseling yesterday even though I probably should not have as I was a bit dizzy. Today I had to take the pain meds early so that meant no driving. Well, still no word from MUSC but I am hopeful to hear something soon.

The girls are doing well and growing like weeds. No new stories to tell just the normal things that go on in a home.

Emily seems to be holding up ok but I know she is under a lot of stress and I just pray she will be ok. God has a plan and we are just going to continue to folllow his will. I pray his blessings on you all and that he will touch you in a special way. Love to all.

2011-11-07T16:16:00.000-08:00

Well, today is Monday and my right arm was a bit swollen and their was a bump on the wrist so I decided to go to the doctor. I'm not going to blog much but he said there was no fracture unless it was a hairline fracture but there certainly was a sprain. He also said that I either has bruised ribs or maybe a broken rib but they treat them both the same way so there was no real reason to do an x-ray. He did say if I wanted to have one just to show one way or the other he was writing me a prescription. But, I don't see a need to do that. It would be different if they treated them differently but since they don't then I see no reason to have one done. He did prescribe a stronger pain killer until it passes and then I am to go back on the Tramadol. I am very sore and a bit dizzy from time to time but I am dealing. Ironically enough one of the ladies that witnessed the fall was there and she said the when I fell I wrapped my arm around the walker and my arm was stuck under the walker which explains why I am so sore on the upper part of the arm. The doctor said to take it easy for a few days and I should be ok from the fall. I am breathing ok even though my chest is sore which is why he leans more towards a bruised rib or ribs than a fracture.

The girls are fine and seem to like touching the wrap on my wrist so we kind of make it a game. Cottia did her homework without question and Eva was ready for bed it seemed like as soon as she came home probably due to the time change.

Emily seems better from her cold but I know she is exhausted and I just wish she could get some proper rest.

So, that is about it. We keep keeping on and know God is in control. I pray his blessing on everyone who reads this and hope everyone has a great night. Always remember there is always someone is worse shape than you are. It kind of keeps me going.

2011-11-06T16:30:00.000-08:00

Today is Sunday and Emily is not feeling well. But, she got up and got the girls ready for Church while I got ready to go. I still don't have a chair for the shower but I am learning to take showers without one. It is hard and I am exhausted after but because our shower is so small I am able to lean against the wall and take the shower. So, we left for Church and it was great to have Jason here. He helped a lot with the girls and they love him so very much and he really seems to like the role of big brother. Well, we got to Church and folks were nice enough to help me with the girls. After breakfast I headed to the sanctuary for the praise and worship team practice and so we could practice "When I Survery the Wonderous Cross." which we hope to perform at some point when I am ready. I'm not sure what happened other than I was excited because I felt the practice went so well but I got up to move to the back of the church and I think I took a few steps and then fell. Everyone came to my assistance but I really needed them to just go back to normal. I was having some tremors that I remember but wasn't sure if I had hurt myself or not. Luckily for us we have a paramedic who came and checked me out. My heart rate was a bit high and she took my blood pressure but it was pretty good so the only thing out of normal was the heart rate. I went to the back of the Church and just decided to stay in the brides room until the service was over. The pain did begin to build and I began to wonder if I had hurt my wrist. So, I didn't wait, I got Jason and the girls and we left right after church. I had to take him home then we stopped by to get some lunch from Wendy's through the drive through. We came home and Eva went to take a nap. Emily also was able to take a nap and I laid down. I know I had tremors because I felt them while laying down and they seemed to be pretty intense. But, after the nap, I really felt the pain. It is in my left arm and some in my legs. There also is some in the lower rib area so I think this fall may have been worse than I originally thought so I will see how I do tonight before deciding to go to the doctor tomorrow. Right now, money is tight for everyone including us and if I can endure the pain then there is really nothing the doctor can do so I would rather not spend the money. Even my neck hurts some and I have a bit of a headache. So, that was our day. I do need to mention that I woke with pain in the legs that was more intense than usual so maybe I was just weaker than usual today for some reason. I just don't know but these falls really do worry me and I want some answers. Hopefully we will get those answers when we go to Charleston.

Cottia was very attentive to me and is being very protective right now. Eva does not really understand so that is good and Jason was sent around to check on me. But, I really didn't want him or any of who I consider my children including chloe or jessie to see me like that. But, at least they did see me back on the pew and not on the floor.

I'm just glad today is over. I don't have a lot of funny stories today like I have been trying to do other than to say that kids really have a way of handling things and bouncing back.

Well, that is about it. I hope and pray tomorrow will be a better day and I pray God's blessing on everyone who reads this. May his grace be with you all.

2011-11-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe it has been Tuesday since I have posted a blog. But, a lot has happened and I have found myself busy and also tired.

First, Eva has thrown up the last two nights and has a bit of a cold. We have had to bath her and the poor thing has just been miserable. But, she seems better tonight just a little snotty nose. Hopefully she will get a good nights rest and feel better. Emily took her to the doctor and he put her on an antiobiotic.

Cottia has gotten smiley faces this week and I am so proud of her. She continues to be my shining star and I love both of them so much.

I had an issue with incontinence this week which I had thought I was over but it appears when ever I have an issue I am going to struggle with this. It is frustrating but the doctor said there is nothing he can do.

I know Emily has to be tired but I am hoping she can get some rest this weekend. We are going to have lunch with an elderly lady from our Church tomorrow and I always enjoy those moments with her. She makes the girls feel so special and so that should be a fun time. My biggest concern will be getting through her house but I'll manage somehow.

My leg continues to hurt quite a bit and the cramping is getting worse. The pain in my foot is still there but it comes and goes. The back of my left knee is really starting to hurt and my thigh is also in pain. Still the left side is weaker than the left.

Still no date on the appointment in Charleston but I just hope it is not going to be the week of Thanksgiving. We will just have to wait and see.

Well, that is about it. God is still in control and I continue to marvel at his grace through all of this. Thank you all again for your care and concern and may God richly bless you all. Have a good weekend.

Oh, tomorrow my friend Bill is coming down to watch the game and I think Jason is coming over too so we are looking forward to having them both in the house and I want to thank my friend Shannon Jones, his son, and wife for moving our wood box and filling it for us so we can start building fires to save of heat bills. One thing I know about myself is how different I am now as compared to even a year ago and how cold I get so I really appreciated their help.

Again, take care and God bless.

2011-11-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

Today was therapy day and it went pretty well. While walking with a cane I nearly fell but I didn't and the physical therapist was there to help. My legs just felt weak and I was tired but I got through it. Speech went well and we are going back to twice a week with speech and as it appears I have enough sessions left to last until the end of this month then there will be no therapy during December. But, we will cross that when we get to it. The pain in the calf on the left leg was pretty bad and the cramping is getting worse but still bareable. My left foot went numb but I fell towards the right but I think that was because I was putting most of my weight on the right side while walking with the cane.

I came home pretty tired and rested the rest of the afternoon. I did get a call that it will be probably another 2 weeks before I know when I am going to MUSC. The records and request has been sent but it takes about 2 weeks to get the appointment then they will set the date. I am ready to get this done and make that visit.

The girls are doing well. Eva seems to have a bit of a cold and Cottia had a little bit of an attitude this afternoon but she was probably just tired. They are both resting and I pray they have a peaceful night.

Well, that is about it. God is good and we are watching him work everyday. I pray God will richly bless you all no matter your circumstances in life.

2011-10-31T17:26:00.000-07:00

Today the pain in the left leg was really bad and I had some dizzy spells so I spent a lot of my time in bed. I did make some very important phone calls regarding my insurance and tried to do a few things but I refused to not go out with my children tonight.

Last night was kind of rough. I had a little stomach thing going on and Cottia threw up so I did not get to bed until about 2am. I think Cottia had just eaten too much candy she seems fine today.

So, after a longer than usual nap I got up and took a shower. It was hard without the chair but I managed. I am not sure what is taking so long to get a new chair but I have to do the best I can and needless to say I won't get into detail but at least our shower is small.

The girls were so cute. They were dressed as repuncil (sp) and they really had a good time. It was obvious that Cottia was worried about me because I could not get out of the car but I was there and that is what counts the most. So, we started the evening at First Baptist in Gaston and the girls just had a blast. The first words out of Cottia's mouth was "you're not getting out?" I explained that it was just a bit too much for daddy and she seemed to understand and then went on to have fun. I waited in the car and then we went to our Church. The girls got lots of candy and had a blast and once again their mom was just incredible.

So, now we are home and all the makeup is off and there are two exhausted little girls in bed who really had a great day and beginning to the holiday season. Their mother has to be exhausted and there dad is just grateful for all he has. Despite it all we are still together and that is nothing to be taken for granted.

Tommorrow is therapy and I hope I get some answers regarding my insurance. Then, after half a day I'll be worn out just like I am now and all I did was ride. I did help get the girls ready for bed and put the little one down. We had our usual singing together which is the perfect way to end the day. I pray God's blessing on all who read this and hope he speaks to your heart.

Oh, one more thing on the health side. I am beginning to have the cramps they said would come in my calves. They aren't too bad but they have started. That is a part of the vein disease. So, I am increasing my water intake and hoping for the best. Cramps are the worst pain to me but hopefully it won't get too bad.

Well, that is it and I once again wish you all a good night and pray God's blessings.

2011-10-30T17:21:00.001-07:00

We had a great weekend with Emily's mom and step-dad. They do so much for us when they are here. It is always hard to say goodbye to them but hopefully it won't be too long before we see them again. Eva had a great party and once again my hat's off to my wife for all she did and how hard she worked. She does so much and pulled off another great time for the kids. While I do good to take a shower without falling and get myself dressed hoping I won't fall over against the wall. But, I have to say that would be funny if it ever did happen. Even I would laugh at that.

I have had some feedback on the blog and some people want me to continue to talk about my health issues while others say they have stopped reading because it brings them down. So, I am trying to do a mixture of both. So, here is an update on how I am doing. The pain in the left leg continues to give me problems and I really do worry where that is leading. It is also in the right leg but just not as bad. After Eva's party we went out to eat at Lizard Thicket and on the way out I almost fell again but thankfully there were some others there that helped. It seems as though those rugs they put out in those places are a real problem for me. But, I do the best I can and just have to take things slow. Doors combined with those rugs are a real problem. My vocal quality is much better but stringing sentences is also still a challenge. We are working on a trio/quartet at the church which should help and it brings me back to my roots of singing. I practiced with them today and I felt it sent well. I look forward to the day I can sing in front of our church again no matter the role weather solo or with a group. We will just have to see how it goes. One thing that is of concern is as I understand it I only have 4 more visits available under my insurance to rehab and that is it for the year. So, I may have to end that until next year when a new insurance takes place and see how it goes. None the less God is in control.

Well, that is about it. God continues to guide and despite it all we continue to move on. May his will be done.

Oh, the girls had a great weekend and it is such a joy to watch them having so much fun. I pray God's blessings on everyone who reads this and I do mean everyone. Have a good one everyone!!

2011-10-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

Well, the family from Virginia has made it safe and sound and we are glad to have them. I probably won't be able to post much the next few days but will try when I can. I had a good day at Rehab. They are concerned about my balance but I think I am making progress and will continue to work hard.

Now we are preparing for our precious Eva's birthday party this weekend. It is hard to believe she will be three. But, she grows more beautiful everyday.

Cottia got a smilie face today after two rough days at school so I am very proud of her.

Well, that is about it. The pain is still there and very intense at times but I am dealing with it am beginning to just deal with the fact that it is a part of my life.

Well, again, I'm not sure how much I will be able to post over the next few days but I pray God will richly bless you all and that you have a great weekend.

2011-10-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today has certainly not been my day. I got the girls up but they did not want to get up. Well, actually Cottia did not want to get up. So, we were running behind a bit and I don't like to take showers without someone here in the house just in case. I hated that Emily had to take both girls this morning but I had rehab to get to so I took my shower. Well, this was the first time that I actually fell while in the shower. I landed on the floor and hit my right hand on the toilet. I think I may have chipped a bone or even broken it but it is not swollen too bad and the pain is barable. I landed on my left side and had to sit there for a while to compose myself. I yelled for help but they were already gone. It was the most helpless feeling I have ever had in my life but I knew I could not just lay there naked and alone. So, I was able to get myself up on the toilet. The shower chair was broken and I had torn down the shower curtain but I managed to dry myself off and get dressed. Originally, I felt numb more than pain but eventually pain settled in. So, I took my medicine but decided to go ahead with rehab because it is just too important. Ironically enough my speech session went very well. I was calm and composed and I took things slow which really makes a big difference. Physical therapy just took things slow but it also went well and we worked on ankle strength and leg strength. Then, I had to stop by walmart for something for Cottia and then get my prescription refilled. I am now home and my pain meds are taking affect so I will soon be out. But, I think I have learned never to go into the shower without my phone. The rehab hospital said they will help with getting me a new chair so that is good. Right now, I just want to rest.

On some brighter notes Eva got to go to a farm today with maw maw and I can't wait to hear about how much fun she had. Cottia and Eva are going to my mom's for the afternoon and then my mom will bring them home because Emily has to get her allergy shot and I will probably be knocked out. Such is my life. Well, I may blog more later but for now that is about it. The right thumb is the most painful place I have but I expect I'll be sore in the morning.

I wish God's richest blessings on you all and ask that we get some answers when we go to Charleston. Still no date on when that will be but I am ready to go and hope for the best. Have a great afternoon and again God bless you all.

2011-10-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

Today I fell again. Nothing really. I went outside and just fell over. I did break my cell phone cover so there really is just no use for me to keep buying them. Over all though I had a pretty good day. I got my retirement moved to an individual account and I was able to practice some on the system I will be using for the new job. I really can't wait to get started and really feel good about this.

The morning started off pretty normally as I able to take Eva to Maw Maw's and then went to the Milling company. I bought some bails of hey so Emily and the girls could make a fall festival pumpkin thingy in the front yard. But, I can't load them or unload them so it was up to the guy who works at the milling company to load them and then Emily unloaded them. I felt bad that she did that but she is one strong woman!! Well, I went back outside with them and watched as they decorated it. The girls had so much fun and it was nice to see them having so much fun. I just want their lives to be as normal as possible.

This Saturday is Eva's third birthday and it really seems impossible that she is three!! The family is arriving from Virginia on Thursday so we will have a house full.

Well, that is about it. I hope and pray everyone has a great night and God rishly blesses you all.

2011-10-23T17:01:00.001-07:00

Not really a lot to talk about. Pretty typical weekend. Emily and Cottia went to the football game Friday and I stayed home with Eva. She was in bed by 6:30 so not much for me to do other than watch a movie and wait on text updates on the game from Emily. It is interesting how I used to live for Swansea football and now I'm glad when they win but don't really care one way or the other. My life just seems so much different these days, things I used to care so passionently about I no longer have an interest in. Oh, again, don't get me wrong, I'm glad our team won and is winning but if they lose it won't bother me where as before I used to be so upset. I have grown to enjoy my Friday nights at home and really enjoyed the time I had with Eva even if it wasn't as long as I had wanted.

Saturday I got my hair cut along with the girls and had hoped to spend some more time with Eva but she wanted to go with her momma to town so I took Cottia with me and we went to my mom's and did a little fishing. I always enjoy that time with Cottia but I am worried that I am not spending enough time with Eva. So, I try to make sure to at least put her to bed at night. I am still able to give her a bath and we do snuggle and sing and then she has learned how to climb in her crib which does make me wonder when she will be crawling out!! But, for now, I'll take what I can get with her.

My pain in the left leg continues to be there. But, it is what it is. This week is Eva's birthday party and Emily is busy getting things ready and working hard to make it the perfect day for Eva. I have therapy and counseling and really hope I can get going on doing some group coordinating. The ringing in my ears is also getting worse but I think that is stress related.

We had Jason over last night and it was nice to have him back in the house. We had a very nice talk about his future and various subjects. I normally try to get to bed a whole lot sooner than I did last night but I have not had the chance to talk to him in a while so it was good to spend the time with him. I just want for him and his life.

This morning was Church and I think I have solved my church choir problem. Our music director said we can work on some 4 part harmony and that will keep me from having to drive after dark. So, I think that problem is now solved.

Well, life goes on and so does time. The family from Virginia should start arriving Thursday and then the party is next Saturday. Well, I certainly hope everyone has a great week and may God richly bless you all.

2011-10-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't blogged in a few days. Just not much to talk about. I missed counseling Wednesday because it was raining but that was a mistake. I should have gone but I am nervous about driving in the rain. The ringing in my ears is back and worse than ever but I think it is just nerves and maybe a little pressure from the job and worrying about disability. But, life goes on. I am still waiting on when the appointment will be in Charleston. I did call today and they told me it was at least 2 weeks to get the appointment and then I am not sure how long it will be before the actual apponintment will be. Today they did a balance test on me at Physical therapy. The lowest you can score is 14. The highest is 56. I scored 13. I really expected to do better but I do think it explains why I fall like I do. But, I am chosing to look at it as a goal. They will retest in a few weeks and see where I am. Hopefully, I will be in the 20's or 30's. Setting goals is very important IMO and I am ready to keep working. Speech is going well and I think I am going to join my cousin's church's choir for practice purposes only but it should help me string sentences together which is very important.

On the fun side of life, Cottia played waitress tonight and even demanded a tip from her guest which was her mom. I was the boss. It was great to see her having fun and relaxing. Now for an Eva story. She passed gas and they both laughed. Then, Cottia looked at me and said sometimes when you have to fart you just have to fart. It was one of those classic moments that can only happen from a child. I am so blessed to have them.

So, that's about it. I hope everyone has a good night and may God richly bless you. He has me.

2011-10-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

Not much to blog about today. I spent most of the day in bed. I woke around 5am with chest pain and it was really intense. So, I took some aspirin and nitro then went back to bed. That always causes a headache. I continued to have the chest pain throughout the day and just felt so weak. I did have some sweating spells but I decided not to go to the hospital or the medical center. The pains always let up and I refuse to waste anymore of our families money. So, physically that is about it.

Now, for the great news!! My girls are home and my oldest has lost her first tooth!! She was so excited to show me the tooth. She is so cute and of course the youngest one says she is about to lose one too. So, this will be our first visit from the tooth fairy which is exciting. I love these moments even if they are reminders that my little girls are growing up.

Well, that is about it. The house is back to normal full of little girls running around and making plenty of noise and we are grateful to mawmaw and pawpaw for taking them on the trip.

I pray everyone has a great evening and that God will richly bless you all.

2011-10-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

Well today was Sunday and Church day. It was unusual to not have to get the girls ready but it was also nice to be able to sleep in for a while before heading off. I'm not sure why but a friend of mine tapped me on the shoulder which caused me to start tremoring. It was that old trick to try to get me to look over the wrong shoulder. The tremors settled down during the service but then we went out to eat and I saw another old and dear friend and his family and the tremors started again. They were worse today for some reason. I don't know it it is because the girls are gone and I just miss them or what the reason was but eventually they also passed. Needless to say, I was exhausted so Emily brought me home and we both had nice long naps.

When we woke, Emily continued her cleaning of the house and I did all I could to help. It amazes me just how exhausted I get doing the simpliest of things but that is just the way it is. The last thing I will say about my physical condition is the pain in the left leg is worse today but I think it was because I tried to help out and did everything I could. I refuse to allow my wife to do it all even though she tries.

Now, on to the fun and great things that happened. We had a great sermon. But, not a big crowd. I guess it was just too cold for folks to get out. Lunch was great and we really enjoyed spending time with a dear friend and I think having grown up conversation for all of us was very good. She also neesds the time with us and we are grateful for the time we had with her. I also enjoyed watching my beloved wife hold the baby. I got to hold her for a little while but I was tired and having some chest pain so I passed her to Emily. I thought Emily would pass her back to her parents but instead she held the baby through the entire sermon. Emily is a great mother but for her to just hold a baby is not normal but wonderful to see. I'm not sure why but it gives me hope that there still may be a baby or at least another child in our future which gives me even more reason to continue to fight. The baby is beautiful and quiet and she reminds me that no matter what happens and no matter how bad things may get that life goes on. That is a gift that only a God of the ages can give.

Well, that is about it. I continue to pray that God richly blesses you all and that everyone has a great night and week ahead.

Oh, I'm not sure when I will see the movement specialist but I hope it is soon and I am ready to get that behind me. All though I am looking forward to the trip to Charleston. It is my favorite city in the world. Hopefully we can take some time to enjoy the city itself.

Again, have a great night and God bless.

2011-10-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, don't laugh but I got confused. Yes, I admit it I got confused as to where my neurologist office was and parked in the wrong parking lot. Well, I was told I could walk to their office but I didn't know how far it was. I was using the walker and it was quite a distance. By the end of the walk I was exhausted and frustrated which led to tremors. Well, the hospital staff of course got ahold of me because they just weren't sure what was going on. I was stammering but it really was just because I had worn myself out. So, they were going to take me to the ER but I refused to go back to that place and said just get me to my doctor's office and I'll be fine. Luckily there was a doctor there and he checked my pulse and ordered a wheelchair and they took me on to the doctor so I didn't end up in the ER. The neurologist office said they could not allow me to drive given how bad the tremors were at that moment so they called my mom and her husband who came and got me. He did tell mom that as a neurologist he has really done all he can and thinks conversion is the diagnosis and that stress and anxiety brings on the tremors. I also know he asked me some questions as to what date it was but I had no idea. I did know it was October but I always have to check my phone for the date. I also got the day of the week wrong but I got the year right. But, I think a lot of that had to do with being upset and the fact that the girls were off school and just a lot of things going on. So, he did tell my mom that he wants me to see a movement specialist and that he wants me to go to MUSC in Charleston. Continue with counseling and he will see me back in January. So, that was my day. Mom and Vance brought me home and I took my medicine and went to bed. The tremors always make me so tired and add the walk just got the best of me. But, I'm glad to be going to MUSC. They are very good down there and I think this is a good idea.

Now, for the fun news. The girls got to go to the fair today with their mom and a young lady from our Church. They had a ball. I'm not sure how Eva was still operating when she got home but she is just a go getter. This morning Cottia was very clingy so I asked her if she was worried about daddy while she was at the fair. Her answer was I really didn't think about you because I was having too much fun.....not sure how to take that but it made me laugh.

Now for an Eva story. The girls are going camping with Mawmaw and Pawpaw this weekend so Emily and I get a weekend to ourselves. I really hope we can go to a movie or at least go out to dinner and just enjoy a quiet house all though I will continue to admit that I have to turn on Eva's music and Cottia's light in order for me to sleep. Well, Emily asked Eva what she wanted to wear to sleep in. Her answer...."pajama's." What a sense of humor and it brought a well deserved laugh.

Well, that is about it. Another interesting day in the life. I pray blessings and God's grace on all who read this and wish you a great weekend.

2011-10-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

Today was PT day. I didn't do as well as I had been doing. I had some tremors and was not able to walk as far as usual with the walker. But, my PT specialist said it is that my body just has to get used to the new blood pressure which was 121/81!! So, just a matter of adjusting.

Emily had to work until 7 so I had to get the girls at 245 because Maw Maw was going to a funeral. It was the funeral of a young person which is always tragic and makes you appreciate what you have and to treasure your children every day.

Even though it was 3, I decided to go ahead and take the girls out to supper. We went to Pedros and using the walker can be a challenge there but the girls know that and really behaved themselves. We had a great dinner and time together. Then, I took them to the park so they could play. They had a ball and were typical sisters. They did argue over building a sand castle but they really enjoyed playing and sliding down the slides. All I did was sit on the picnic table and enjoy watching my girls. Then, it was home and Eva was worn out but we had to have baths. They have pretty much learned how to give themselves a bath but I still have to help in some ways. It is hard and my biggest fear is falling but so far so good. Luckily Cottia had to use the bathroom so I got to do one at a time and right after Eva got out and got dressed for bed something else she can now do for herself I put her to bed. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

Now, Cottia is watching TV after picking up the house a little bit and I am watching the news. So, that was our day. The pain in my legs is off the chains but it was well worth it. I feel I am making real progress and look forward to hearing what the doctor has to say tomorrow. So, tomorrow is another of those big days.

Emily is taking the girls to the fair and I'll admit I feel left out because there is just no way I can handle it. But, that is the way it is and I'll just be thankful for today and the time I had with them.

I hope everyone who reads this has a great night and I pray God's blessings on you all. May the Lord richly bless you all.

2011-10-12T18:00:00.001-07:00

Today was counseling day and I always look forward to that. Tomorrow I will have physical therapy then Friday I meet with the neurologist again and am looking forward to discussing where I am now and where I was when he first saw me. I feel I have made some major progress and hope to continue to make progress.

Not a lot to report but two things that did happen today with my girls that are worth sharing. One is my youngest got a hold of her mom's remote control and mom was at school so it was just me and the girls. We were frantic trying to figure out where in the world she could have put it. We didn't find it and I had to get the girls to Church for Awana's. Well, when I got home I found the remote on the top of the cloths washer. She had put it there when she got her dora pudding for supper. Cottia had a hot dog and we got her homework done before we left for Church but boy was I glad to find that remote.

Then, when I picked up the girls which I have to thank the people that bring them out and help me get them in the car because it is hard for me so I want them to know just how much I do appreciate it. Well, I told the girls we found the remote and they were both glad. Cottia said maybe one day I could marry her!! It was my first marriage proposal from a girl so I told her sure! Nice to know my little girl wants to marry me.

Well, that is about it. I hope everyone has a great night and pray God's blessing on each and everyone of you. Remember there is always someone worse off than you are and God has a plan for your life.

2011-10-09T16:24:00.000-07:00

Today I got to hold a baby. I had held her before but only for a few seconds because I was worried about a tremor. But, today her parents who are good friends of ours let me hold her and even though it was painful in my arm and backside because it meant I sat in the sanctuary the whole service, it was so worth it. It reminded me of when my children were baby's and how much I want another baby. But, more than that, it reminded me of how God gives us life. You see, in our Church a family that I see but really don't know very well lost their son yesterday. Yet, they were in Church today. Not bitter, not questioning, not having a pity party just there. I looked at the mother who had lost her son and I looked at the mother of the baby I was holding and I looked at the mother of my children and I thought how amazing it is that God gives women the gift of giving birth. I don't profess to know the pain of giving birth or the heartache of a mother over losing a child, but I do know what it is like to love a child so much that you would die for her. I may have been through a lot this past year and I may still have a lot more to go through and at times life has not seemed fair and I'll even admit that I have felt like giving up. But, holding that baby today was the best medicine I have had. No doctor can give you that feeling of life renewed and just how beautiful it is. I suggest everyone take the time if the mother and father are willing and just hold a baby even if it is for a few minutes. Hold that baby and smell the smell of new life. Listen to them breath and marvel at the fact that a loving God has placed that life on this earth. Then, take the time to realize just how fragile it is and appreciate the moment you have.

Now, I'd like to share two stories about my own children and how they blessed me this weekend. Yesterday, I was in a lot of pain. Pain is a part of my life and my oldest knows it because I complain way too much. I fell asleep during the Carolina/Kentucky game and she took the time to write me a note which I have beside me to keep me going. It isn't complicated but it is from the heart of a 6 year old. It simply says: " I love Daddy, Daddy loves me, I know how daddy feels and I really love him. Then, the drew a picture of me and her together holding hands and smiling. She said I can have it framed and I intend to do just that to remember how much we love each other. Only a child can give that feeling.

My 2 year old soon to be 3 this morning brought her Rapunzel doll into our bedroom after I had gotten up for Church. She gently laid the doll where I sleep and said it was there to protect me. She did not ask for it back and it is still in our bed. After Church on the way home, we asked her how she enjoyed children's church and she said she loved it!! She said: "We got to eat marchmellows! Those litttle ones." Perspective is very important!! And the Rapunzel doll is still in our bed to protect daddy.

Now, I don't profess to know why we have been through all we have been through this year and why things still seem to be happening. I'm still disabled and still struggle with a lot of things. Lord knows, I am not a perfect husband or daddy. But, I still have my children and we still have our home and each other and a God that has a plan we may not understand but one we have to follow and accept his guidance. In the past year, he has seen us through all my health issues, he has brought Jason into our lives, he has made sure we have food to eat and today he has provided reminders of just how precious life is.

I pray God's peace on the family that is suffering right now. I pray God's blessings on the new life I got to hold today. I pray God's blessings on the mother who sat next to us today and sits next to us every Sunday and the life she is carrying and I pray blessings on my sister in law who is carrying my nephew. May the God of the ages look over all these lives and grant them all of life's joys and peace. I pray God's blessings on the mother of my children and grant her peace as she has so much responsibility with our home, finances and our children and the love only she can know for them. I pray for all the Father's out there. I pray that God will gran you courage to be the man he meant for you to be and if you are not stepping up to the plate then I pray God will convict your heart and that you will know the simple joy of holding a child. Men sometimes shy away from that but I can tell you that there is nothing like it. And, finally, I pray God will richly bless each and everyone who reads this blog. Have a great night and remember life is precious and even though we may not always understand his plan, God does have one if we will simply see it through.

2011-10-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day of occupational therapy at least for a while. I will miss working with Darlene but it means I am making progress and so I look at it like I graduated and passed a class. I had physical therapy and will continue with that twice a week. Speech will be once a week and continued counseling will be once a week. My BP was high today and I'm not sure why Darlene decided to take it but she did and it started high but not extremely high. Then Horace my physical therapist took my BP and it was 190/120. Very high but I had just walked so we waited a bit and took it again. It had come down to 188/88. I called my doctor and they felt I needed to be seen so they got me back and my BP was 150/96 so it had gone back up and my doctor suggested uping my BP dosage and gave me some samples. So, I was excited because I really thought he was going to put me in the hospital but he didn't. On my way out, I dropped the bag of samples with the prescription and tried to reach over to pick it up. I was in the parking lot which is paved. Well, of course I fell. I don't really remember very much but they got me back in and I had a hard time moving my neck but they basically just left me alone and I calmed down. I was tremoring pretty bad but obviously I could not drive. So, my mom and her husband came and got me and brought me home. The tremors combined with the fall really took it out of me and I was exhausted. I went to bed and was awoke to the most beautiful little voice. I had to fight to wake up but I wanted to see my girls so I did. I was not aware of the time but Emily was giving baths and getting some hot dogs ready for the girls. I was very sore and in a lot of pain but at least I did get to see the girls. I just don't understand why I continue to fall but it is just there and I have to deal with it.

Not much else to tell. I am having a few chest pains tonight but I think that is from the fall. I don't plan to really do anything tonight except to relax and try to take it easy. My left leg is in the usual pain but due to the fall the right side is in pain as well. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

Well, tomorrow is homecoming at our high school and I hope our team does well. I won't go but will follow via text from Emily.

So, life moves on and I appreciate all the continued prayers.

Cottia's tooth is almost out and we even tried to get it to come out tonight but without success but it won't be long. Of course Eva says she has a tooth ready to come out too so that just shows how normal life can be even in the midst of the storm.

I wish everyone who reads this a wonderful evening and may God richly bless you.

2011-10-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

Today was Therapy day but last night was really rough. I woke with very intense chest pain and it lasted for several hours. I finally had to take the nitro spray and then it let up. This seems to be happening more often but I've been told there really isn't much they can do. So, I just take the spray when I feel it is necessary and then go back to bed. In the past I have spoken about how I am able to get around the house pretty good and that continues but today at physical therapy I really had a triumph. I was able to walk for about 165 feet with one of those 4 prong canes. I tremored a bit and worried I might fall but the physical therapist was there and I did have to stop three times but I made it. It was a great feeling.

My speech therapist said the tremors in my vocal area were there again today but again I think that was because of how tired I was from the heart issue last night. We had a good session and I am going to once a week with speech and occupational therapy but will have workouts I can do at home. As of right now physical therapy is still going to be twice a week in the hopes of getting me to walk without a walker or cane outside and in public. I believe this is achieveable and it certainly is encouraging.

The girls are find and tonight was parent teacher night. So, I stayed home with Eva while Emily went with Cottia. It is good for them to do those kinds of things together so I am glad and it gave me some time with Eva. I have been worried about the time I get to spend with her and really enjoy her spirit and zest for life.

Well, that is about it. I made sure that even though I was worn out after the episode last night I still made myself get up and go to therapy because it is so important. I was exhausted afterwards and slept a little more than I usually do in the afternoon. I had a few tremors when I got home but I made it and am so glad that I had today.

Eva is sleeping and looks like such a little angel when she is asleep and Cottia continues to grow and is really becoming quite the little lady. I love them both so much.

Emily continues to go and go and never stops. Her strength and resolve should be an inspiration to everyone. She has stuck by me and I greatly appreciate it.

Well, I guess that is about it. I have counseling tomorrow then PT on Thursday. I pray God richly blesses you all and helps us all to realize just how precious life is but the life to come is even more precious so live this life as you prepare for the next one! Have a great night and love to all.

2011-10-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

Well, to say the weekend was interesting would be an understatement. Friday night I was able to go to my first high school football game of the season. The coach and a very good friend helped me. My friend took me by golf cart to the handicapped seating and I was able to watch the entire game. It was a thriller and the biggest game in our town in a long time. And, we won!! We came from a 14-3 deficit to win 20-14. Huge for our program and while I did have some tremors I made it through it. Then, Saturday morning both Emily and I were able to sleep in. I was exhausted and I know she had to be. My daughters did their little cheer thing during half time and I could not have been prouder. They are truly the light of my life. Then, I went to see the movie Courageous with Jason. I was not in the proper mood to see the movie so I want to try and be as fair as I can to it. There are always two ways to react to a movie. You can say what people want to hear or you can say how you really felt about it so I'll do both. For those that just want to hear how great it is I'll say it has a message we all should know and if you have someone who is not saved then I would suggest not necessarily going to the theatre but waiting and buying it or renting it and watching it with them and then talking about what you just saw especially if they have children. For those that want to know how I personally felt about it, I thought the acting was not very good and the story was predictable. I kind of had it figured out in the first 5 to 10 minutes of the movie. There is one actor that did stick out though and I wish I knew his name but the only way I can identify him is he is the African American police officer. He is a good actor and did a good job. I have Fireproof, Facing the Giants, all of the left behind movies and End of the sphere and some other movies like this. 3rd behing Fireproff and Facing the Giants. The Left Behind movies are not completed yet so it is kind of hard to rate this movie with those. But, like I said, it does have a message and if you know someone who is not saved then I recommend the movie but I'm not sure I would go back to the theatre to see it again.

Then, came Sunday. Our Church normally does breakfast but we skipped that this morning because it was homecoming so once again we could sleep a little later. Problem was I slept a bit too much. I got the girls ready and Jason helped Emily with the foods so I could get my shower. We went in separate cars and I was late. I got to Church about 10 and worship starts at 10:30 so I just went on in the sanctuary and waited on Emily and the girls. I know people will find this hard to believe but I really do not like events like homecoming but Emily had worked so hard on making brownies and mac and cheese and I felt I had to stay so I did. I was able to talk with a man in our community that has the same vein disease I have. He is a double amputee something I don't expect will happen to me but it is a possibility and he shared a lot with me. I have a lot of respect for him and his wife and miss them greatly. They used to go to our Church but are now going somewhere else. I think that as the disease progresses I will certainly seek his advice and counsel. Another bright spot for me was I got to hold a baby. It is the baby of a dear friend of mine and it was such a joy. I made sure the mom was there and others just in case I began to tremor and I was seated. I held her for about 5 minutes and it really made my heart sore with joy just to hold a newborn.

Cottia has a lose tooth!! She is so excited and is ready for that first tooth to come out! I want to just freeze time but I know that will not happen. I can't believe she is in the first grade and she is growing so tall. But, she still crawls up in my lap and even though she is not a new born I treasure each and every snuggle and hug and the smell of her hair and her laughter and just the joy she brings to my heart. Eva is also growing and will be three this month. Man, is that hard to believe. One of my great joys is also holding her. I love to rock with her. She will follow me down the hall with my walker and crawl in my lap and we rock and I sing to her. I love kissing her little face and then when she is ready she knows to go to her crib and crawl up the side so I can put her in. Then, I gently cover her in her blanket and stroke her beautiful blonde hair and just fall in love with all over again. The, I walk out and take one final look at her and we both smile and I know that smile will be there the next morning and that is such a great joy.

Well, I guess that is about it. The pain in my left calf has been pretty bad today and in the left ankle but the tremors have not been too bad but I keep on keeping on. I hope everyone has a great night and may God richly bless you.

2011-09-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

Well, today started out well enough. We got up on time and got the girls off and I headed to counseling. I always look forward to that. Then, on the way home, I needed to stop off at Wal-mart. Well, all the handicapped spaces were filled so I had to ride around for a while but God always provides and I found a parking space very close just by the store. I have to use one of those roller cart things because I can't walk around the store. Well, there is a light that tells you if the battery is dead or going dead and it was green so that meant the battery was fine. So, I started to pick up the few things we needed and then suddenly the cart died on me. I felt embarrassed and had to ask for someone to bring me a new one. Well, the store was gracious and certainly did bring me one but it had already started frustration. So, I didn't want to but I was hungry so I went through Sonic for lunch. I really don't like doing that but with my therapy sessions and this today I have had to go through fast food both days. I usually go through Bojangles and get Their boberry biscuits because they are cheap and every penny counts right now. But, they are just not that good for me so I went through sonic again adding to my frustration. I could feel my heart racing and the pacemaker working but I made it home and got in a short nap before I had to go get the girls. Emily had to have a crown on her teeth so I had to get the girls. Thankfully we have such wonderful people as Judy and Johnny in our lives that bring the girls out so I don't have to get out and risk falling on my way into their house. Well, we made it home at the exact same time Emily was driving up so she was here. We got cottia's homework done but Eva was in some mood. I don't think she feels very well and Judy woke her up from her nap so she was still sleepy and that also added to it. Emily took them to Awanas and I decided I wanted to go to Church tonight. Well, on the way in, I tried to open the door and fell against it. It really hurt this time on the right side and right now I am in a lot of pain in the right lower arm and hand but I have become so used to it that I just don't really think about it that much. I am just thankful that I didn't fall all the way to the ground. I was able to brace myself against the door until two men from the Church came out to help. I had obvious tremors but I have learned that taking some very deep breaths helps calm them down as long as I wait. It took some time but having these men to hold me while I gathered myself helped. The tremors lasted for about 15 minutes I would say so I asked a friend of ours to go with me to the brides room which she did and we just talked and it helped because I was concerned about driving but I felt I could make it. I called Emily to let her know we were on our way home and to ask her to start a cup of coffee for me. I didn't want to alarm her so I didnt tell her about the fall but at least she knew we were on the way home so she would have a time line to expect us. I have taken some pain mediine and will watch the right arm and hand to make sure there is no swelling. I don't see the need to go to the doctor unless it swells or something like that. Right now, I just want to relax and be thankful for the day I had and that I am home safe and sound. I have therapy tomorrow so I will tell them about it and let them take a look just to be on the safe side but unless there is some swelling there really isn't anything a doctor can do. I have noticed that I am getting dizzy more often but am not sure why. I guess we will see. Probably has to do with all the meds I m on. Well, that is about it. Just another day in the life.

On other notes, both girls did their Bible verses and seemed to have a great time at Awanas and are learnin so much. I am very proud of both of them. They are so beautiful and God has given me far more than I deserve. I pray his blessings on you all and may God richly bless you all. Have a great night.

2011-09-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

It has been a few days since I have blogged but I really have not had a lot to report. Today, I had therapy and found out that my insurance will pay for only 10 more visits so we have decided to tweek some things. I will do occupational therapy two more times and speech will also move to once a week but physical therapy will continue twice a week as far as I know right now. The exercise is very important for the vein disease so that has to be the priority. I am excited about what my Dr of speech therapy has for me though. She wants me to join a choir!! I have missed that and so I have to find one that will work with me so I am contacting folks that will allow me to sing with the group and that understands I will probably not be able to stand long periods of time. But, I can hopefully work on a Christmas program that is traditional and yet challenging. I feel like I have a new lease and even though the rehap will be winding down it will be there for me next year if I need it. The most important thing right now is this vein issue. If the blockage continues to build it could lead to a bigger and more major heart attack or stroke especially since my BP went to 190/135 last week. So, there will be some changes in my life but that is not always a bad thing. I just pray God continues to work and I pray his blessings on everyone who reads this. Have a great night and take care. t

2011-09-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a few days since I have blogged but I feel the need to do so tonight. I am in another of the girls and Emily would be better off without me. I am just tired and know everyone reacts the same but I have promised to be honest so that is my emotion tonight. But, right now, I am watching Jeff Dunham's new show and it is really funny. He is a bit adult but it cracks me up! I went to one of his shows when he was in Columbia a few years ago and it was very funny. The pain in my legs is worse today but I guess that is to be expected.

My cousin seems to be doing pretty well and is recovering. I wish her all the best.

Disability continues to be more stress than is good for me or anyone. I now truly understand why people hate insurance companies the way they do. But, I have to figure a way to work this out to take the best care of my family as I can and get back to some form of work. At least if I am able to get into sales I can truly tell folks what to expect and help them through the process.

I still trust God and put my life in his hands. I have to admit that I wonder why Emily puts up with me. She is so strong and faces life dead on while I just want to crawl in a corner and give up. I admire her so much and just want what is best for her and these two little girls.

One thing I can leave this life with when that day comes is that I did not lie, I did the best I could, and did not give up. That is not a bad legacy to leave behind. I hope I have many more years to go but we will see. God has that all planned out.

To say it was a rough weekend is an understatement but it is over now and I am ready to move on. I continue to appreciate all the prayers and support. God bless you all and have a good night.

2011-09-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today I saw my family doctor and he said to keep with the exercise and that the pain will increase and I just have to learn where the limit is. He did say that I have already done most of what I can do I just have to continue and keep up the exercise unless my cardiologist says otherwise.

It was a rainy day so I came home and got caught up on the rest I had missed from the other night at the hospital. I got a very nice call from my therapist yesterday checking on me and that meant a lot and today the Dr of speeck therapy called which also meant a lot. I'm just ready for all of this to be over but I have to keep fighting.

Cottia did not have a good night. But, some of it was my fault. I helped with homework which is never a good idea. I'm just not as smart as Emily and I thought the child had formed sentences but she hadn't. Emily had to get her shot so I thought I was helping but when Cottia found out she had more homework to do she had a major breakdown. I felt really bad but I made sure to take responsibility for it because it really was not her fault. Hopefully we both learned a lesson from this.

Well, that is about it. I am hoping the pain in my legs will get better and so I have to try to keep moving even with the walker. So, that's about it. The girls are in bed and Emily is hopefully able to get some rest and will be able to make the game tomorrow so she can get away from it all. I pray you all have a great evening and may God bless you all.

2011-09-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was therapy day and while doing physical therapy they noticed that again my left leg was tight and it was in pain. It was colder than the right and they became worried about a blood clot so the doctor sent me to the ER at Palmetto Richland to have a dobler study. So, I went there and waited in the ER for almost 3 hrs to go back. I really didn't mind that too much because there were people there much worse than me. But, It was just frustrating to wait that long. So, a recommendation. Always take an ambulance when going to any ER. Well, finally they got me back. I was having some chest pain so they did the normal blood pressure checks and some blood work which was normal. The dopler showed no clots but that I have Perpipheral Vasclar Disease. So, I guess that just means one more item to list on my check off of illnessess in life! LOL. But, I did get down and finally when the room was empty had a cry. I don't think I let it all out but at least I let my emotions out. They said they really had no answers but could see where the toes were separating and the swelling and my reflexes in the left leg are slower than the right and it has less sensation so I think that is why this diagnosis. I am supposed to follow up with my doctor and cardiologist. Well, as they were getting ready to discharge me my blood pressure went to 190/135. I dont think it has ever been that high so they decided to keep me a while longer for observation. It was already around 11 maybe even a little later and I was ready to go. So, they gave me some BP medicine and the BP did start to come down so they sent me home. Well, I thought they always took you out in a wheel chair but they were not going to do that so I had to walk. It would have been the furtherist I have walked since all this began. I'm not sure what happened but as I turned the corner on the way out, I remember seeing the door to exit and getting excited. The next thing I remember I was on the floor and had fallen again. I'm not sure but I think I hit my head on the floor because I began to develop a headache and my neck hurt. Plus my left elbow was hurting so they took me right back to the same room I had been in. I asked to be allowed to just come on home but the doctor said no. I felt I was already half way to my car so just help me get there and I would drive home. But, I do have to look at it from their point of view if something happened then they could be liable so I do understand. Well, they kept me for probably about another hour to an hour and a half. Did an x-ray of the elbow and it was fine and gave me some tylenol for the headache. I was still a bit dizzy but nothing I did not think I could handle. So, the hospital called a blue ribbon cab to take me home. They paid for it but I asked again to be allowed to just drive myself. We live so far away. But, the cab driver was a nice enough lady and I was able to share my faith with her on the way home so maybe that is why all this happened. Who knows. I got home between 2:30 and 3am. I went to bed and got up this morning to see the girls off. I wanted them to see me so they would be reassured that I was ok. Now, I have to get back to get my truck. I did get some rest today but am still a little stary eyed and dizzy but not too bad. So, just another day in the life. But, the good news is there was no clot just the vascular disease.

Now I am waiting on Emily and the girls to get home. I do have two doctor's appointments tomorrow and hope I can make them but we will see. I don't feel down right now just tired.

I can't wait to see the girls and their new haircuts!! They are getting hair cuts today and so is Emily so it is some good mother daughter time and I think that is very important. So, I will continue with rehab and enjoy my family and all God's blessings. Our of all of that if my sharing my faith with the cab driver was the reason and it changes her life or makes her thing then it will be worth it. Her soul is precious in his sight and if I have to go through some pain for her gain then so be it. I have been so selfish through all of this and have blown opportunity after opportunity to share my faith but I didn't last night. Late in the night as we rode home from a very long day. There is always a reason and a way to share we just have to look for it. Well, that is my story for yesterday and really today. I hope everyone has a great night and May God richly bless you.

2011-09-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

Not a very eventful day. Cottia was sick last night and we had to clean her room. She had the same thing I think Emily had and now Eva has thrown up just a little so we are hoping she is not getting sick. But, there is a little bug going around. I am just tired. I did get some rest even though a very stressful event took place. The chest pains came back but I took my medication and it helped. I was able to relax. My biggest concern now is where do I go from here. I plan to continue with rehab and hope to continue to make progress. There is no doubt that I am making progress but it is slow and that is frustrating. I just hope the girls get to feeling better. The day was not a complete waste. I did manage to do some laundry and got some rest. Tomorrow is therapy and I am looking forward to getting back into the routine. I did have some tremors today but nothing that I am not used to. They are just a part of my life. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and continue to realize there is always someone else far worse off than I am. I just want my life back. So, that is about it. The pain in the left leg continues but again it is something I am just used to. Life goes on. Speech is better but when I am nervous it gets far worse and that also seems to start tremors. But, we will continue to strive forward and let God lead. After all, he has the final word. I pray you all have a great night. t

2011-09-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if it was worrying about what I am going to do about a job and my family. Or, if it was just that my heart was acting up. But, I was up a lot last night with chest pain. I had to take the nitro spray 3 times. I know it wasn't acid because I took tums and my perscription. It took the nitro to calm it down all three times. Then, my entire lower body went numb. But, it didn't last long and now is ok. I'm not sure what happened there but needless to say I stayed home from Church. I went back to bed about 10 and slept until 5. I just have decided it is not worth us putting our anymore money just to be told that it is only angina and I'll just have to live with it. I have been enough of a drain on this family as it is.

Right now, I feel ok but tired. I did have pain in the jaw and some in the arm but that has happened before so I just take it in stride and move on. Hopefully there is nothing major going on and I will be ok. I just feel bad that Emily once again was left with the girls and I did not get to spend very much time with my daughters today.

When I did get up Eva was so cute. She decided to take care of me. She got her little doctor kit and gave me a shot, took my blood pressure and took my temperature. She would make a good doctor. So, that was my day. Not exactly the day I had envisioned.

We were happy to have Jason over last night so he could go to Church this morning with us this morning and I hope he had a good time. I'm sure he had a blessing from attending the service.

Please pray for my Aunt. She has been taken to the hospital with her heart and I love her dearly. Also, please pray for my cousin's son who is in the hospital as well.

I hope everyone has a good night and may God bless.

2011-09-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

Today I had pain in the left leg again and the toes seem to have spread a bit further apart. But, I did not have any chest pain so I am focusing on that and am glad to report a chest pain free day.

I had two old and dear friends come over and eat lunch with me today. They brought the sub sandwiches and I provided the sweet tea. It was great to see Guy and his sister. I have not seen him in years and he is not on facebook but I do see his sister via facebook. It was just nice having someone in the house. They visited for about an hour and I wish we could have had more time. But, I was getting tired and they had business to conduct. As soon as they walked in I had some tremors but not too bad and I know it was just the excitement of seeing them. But, I calmed down and we had a great visit. After they left, I was able to get some rest and now I am watching the girls while Emily goes to the game. She deserves a break and I know how much these games mean to her. The girls are old enough now and have learned how to take care of themselves so really all I have to do it put them to bed so it is just me and my girls.

Tomorrow Cottia is taking part in a cheerleading camp. Not sure how I feel about that. No offense to cheerleaders but I would prefer if she did not do cheerleading when she is in high school. But, it is her decision and I'll support her.

My cousin's son is having surgery this afternoon so I would ask that you pray for him and a quick recovery. I'm not sure how old he is but about 10 I think and he has had a lot of things happen in his life and I will tell you he is one tough customer.

Well, that is about it. Tomorrow is the Gamecocks first home game and it breaks my heart that I won't be there especially since it is against Navy and I was in the navy. But, I'll be watching on TV. I guess the good news is no matter who wins, I win!! I'll be pulling for the Gamecocks but if Navy wins it won't hurt too bad!

So, I hope everyone has a good night and may God richly bless you.

2011-09-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Didn't do much today. I woke at about 5 with chest pain and in a sweat. I got up and took some medicine and laid back down. I didn't fall back asleep but I had to go for a CT scan anyway so I just got up and got the girls going. I went to town and had the CT scan done then came back home. I went to lay down and the chest pain started again even more intense than it had been during the night. So, I had to take my nitro spray. Once I did that the chest pain cleared up and I was able to get some rest. I am waiting on Emily and the girls to get home and that always makes me smile. I don't really plan to do much tonight other than watch some football and since I don't really have an interest in either team I should be ok. It has been a while since I was woke up by the chest pain but having to take the nitro pretty much proves that was my heart. Well, I guess that is about it and I hope everyone has a good evening. May God bless you all.

2011-09-14T17:36:00.000-07:00

Another day of not much to report. I had counseling today and that went well. I felt my speech was better but I still stumble around. The actual tone of the voice though is not too bad. I've tried singing some from time to time and I feel singing will help and help the vocal cords so I am going to try to sing some more every day. I need to talk that over more with my speech therapist but I can sing it is the speaking that is the issue. Funny how that is but it is true with stutters and those like me who suffer with fluency issues. I just don't want to lose my ability to make music. It has defined me for so long and has always been the one thing I can rely on so if I lose that it would be just devastating. I already know that it is harder and my voice has gotten lower but I think that has stopped so maybe that is a good sign. I showed my therapist where I could feel pain and that is also interesting. It seems as though it is in my bones and beneath the skin but not on the skin. And it is on the left side not the right. Just very strange. But, tomorrow I have a CT scan and I expect it to show nothing and I will still be stuck with conversion disorder as the diagnosis even though deep down I truly believe there is something else going on.

The girls had awana's tonight and they really seem to enjoy it. I'm glad they do but I wish it did not last until 8. That is a bit late to me especially for my youngest. But, I guess I have to go with what the Church decides. So, that is about it. The girls are in bed and I pray they have a good nights sleep and rest in God's arms.

I'll have to admit I don't feel like I am much of a daddy to them in the state I am in. I have said that before but there really are times I feel Emily deserves so much better than I can provide and the girls deserve a daddy that can at least go swimming with them. I would die for both of them and for Emily but sometimes you have to wonder what is best and how you can do the best thing for them. Don't get me wrong and don't read more into this than there actually is. But, I wanted so much for Emily to have a strong and healthy husband and these children to have a good daddy who is able to do things with them and instead they have half a man who walks with a walker and stutters when he talks and does not even have a job right now. Not exactly the life I had envisioned for them. No matter where our lives are headed my love for them will never change and will never diminish but I do wonder if Emily would be better off with another man who can really love her and treat her like she deserves to be treated. I don't think I am that man at least not in the state I am in. The irony is that I still want another child. How selfish is that. But, that is my heart and I guess it is not going to change.

Ok, enough of another pity party. Life goes on and tomorrow will bring new challenges and new opportunities. Let's see what God has in store for tomorrow. I pray everyone has a good night and may God richly bless you all.

2011-09-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

Nothing to report today. Last night Emily got very sick and really did not feel well. She seems better today and took the day off. I also felt a bit sick and spent the day in bed. I have not slept like that since I got home from the hospital. I was asleep the entire time. I'm not sure how long Emily slept but I hope she got a lot of rest. I feel better now and was able to eat some dinner. I think Emily also was able to eat a little so I think it was just a 24 hr bug. The girls seem ok and hopefully they will not get the bug. Well, that is about it. I hope everyone has a good night and God bless.

2011-09-12T16:50:00.000-07:00

I got to spend some time with my mother and her husband today which was nice. They got me out of the house and that is always good for me. One thing I will say is the pain is not as bad today but I didn't do a lot. The spot on my left leg is still there and it still hurts but not as bad. Hopefully I can string together some good days.

In other news, Eva threw a tantrum like I have never seen. I mean she was not going to listen and did everything she could to get out of doing what is expected of her. I hate it that she had to be punished but if we allow her to get away with things like that then she will think it is ok for the rest of her life and as a Father I have a responsibility to make sure she learns these lessons no matter how hard they may be. In her defense I do think she was tired but man trust me when I say she really showed out. It is amazing to me how different Cottia and Eva are. They both cry and throw tantrums but with Cottia I can usually get it under control very quickly but Eva is very head strong and it takes some persuasion to say the least. But, we love her for the way she is and I thank God he gave her that never give up attitude.

In other news, I put on the jeans I wore last year and it fit about the same. It felt a little tight but not what I was expecting. I honestly thought I had gained a lot of weight and while I may have gained some I don't think it is a lot. Cutting out muffins has gone a long ways. I need to get back to the protein diet and plan to do that starting tomorrow. The one thing I do know is I have lost a lot of weight and for at least a year I have managed to keep most of it off if not all of it. But, I do want to lose some more. Another thing I have to keep in mind is I am working out at physical therapy so I am building muscle and that will help. I am optimistic about the future and losing some more weight.

I share a lot on this blog and I am amazed at how it helps me vent and feel better about my life even on the worst of days. My life is far from perfect but it is the life God has given me and the greatest job I could hope for is to be the father to these two little girls and who knows maybe there will be another. I have always dreamed of a third child but I know it would have to come through adoption and my health would have to improve. Who knows, maybe God will provide in his time and manner. Jason is as close to a son as I have ever had and I am so grateful God has put him in our lives so we will see how many young people God will lead to us. Maybe that is why I am going through what I am going through. All I know is I want his will in my life and while it may hurt to have to punish, I would not be a good father if I didn't correct my children. All of them even if they don't have my last name. That includes my God daughter, Jason, and my own two little ones.

May God richly bless you and I hope everyone has a good night. Pray that I can string together some good days. Tomorrow is therapy and the CT scan is scheduled for Thursday and counseling will be on Wednesday so it will be a busy week. Again, have a good night and God bless.

2011-09-11T16:43:00.001-07:00

Church was very good this morning but the pain in my left leg is getting worse. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. But, I do feel the pain. It is ironic that I went to bed early last night so I would feel rested today and hopefully not sleep as long in the afternoon. But, I ended up still so exhausted that I slept for nearly 4 and a half hours. When I got up the pain had lessoned but it was still there. Emily and Cottia were out by the pool but Eva was still in her crib. I got her out and she got her bathing suit and was able to at least get out and enjoy some time with Emily and Cottia.

Once we got the girls in and bathed and fed I took the time to explain to Cottia while the news was showing images of 9/11 about the significance of our flag and I was so impressed that she does know what it means to be an American. I thought how awesome that was. I also explained to her the significance of the flag we have by our fireplace with all the medals of Pop and exactly who he was and what he had done as a WW 2 vet. I then told her about her own grandfather, Emily's father and how he too was a vet and that I also was a vet and why she should be proud of being an American. I'm not sure how much sunk in but I think she knows more than we give her credit for. I also explained to her how great I think her friendship with this young kid named Hunter is. That I really want her to be friends with kids that go to Church and whose parents we know. I know she is young but I don't think it is ever too soon to start delivering that message and how I feel about young men and being raised in the Church. I hope the message sinks in. It is so interesting to me how I find myself looking at all these young boys and think is one of these young men going to be the husband to my daughters and the father to my grandchildren. I don't know the answer to that yet but I do know how important it is to me that they are raised in the Church and that they make it a priority because God knows I have failed miserably in that as a man, husband, and Father. I want to much more for them.

So, this concludes this blog other than to say that on this day of remembrance I am thankful for all I have and have been given. I'm not rich compared to rest of our society as far as money goes and we have certainly been dealt some blows we didn't expect but we are still together and that is what matters most. May we never forget and may God bless our great nation and our fighting men and women. Thank you for all you have and continue to do.

2011-09-09T15:35:00.000-07:00

Not a lot to report today. I had a lot of tremors this morning and spent the afternoon in the bed. I am still determined to get back to some form of work but right now it looks like it will have to be part time at least to start. I refuse to give up even though I feel like it more and more. I have to keep fighting and just trust God and his plan.

Cottia seems to have had a good day and week at school and she seems ready for a good weekend. Eva also seems better and I am hopeful that her cold is now over.

I'm watching the news and wondering how people cannot believe that God is not sending us a message. But, that is just the way it goes.

Tomorrow is a big day of football as the Gamecocks play Georgia so I hope to be glued to the TV and pulling hard for my Gamecocks. This is always a big game and I know I will have to take my medicine to get through and to keep calm. Tonight our Swansea Tigers are on the field and Emily will be sending me text messages with updates so I can keep up with the game.

So, life goes on. I'm learning how to cope and trust the God of the ages.

On another note, today is my mom's birthday and I want to wish her a very happy day. Thank you mom for all you have done and may God bless you and your new husband today and always. Have a good one Ma Re!!

2011-09-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

Today I did not make therapy. I had a rough night and spent a lot of it in the bathroom but I think it could have been mostly nerves. I feel better this evening. I did do a few things today like some laundry but it really wore me out and the pain in my foot and left leg is really bad. I have noticed that the right big toe and index toe is spreading now and is my right pinky toe. But, I have to keep pressing on. I did get my CT scan and it is scheduled for next Thursday morning and then I have a doctor apt with Dr Barlow. So, I have a busy few weeks ahead. The tremors were really bad yesterday but today I had a few but not as bad. I just feel tired.

Well, enough of that. I seem to be maintaining my weight and that is a good thing. At least as far as my cloths indicate. I can't really stand on scales so there is no way to know for sure but I don't think I have gained anything back and if I have it isn't much so I feel good about that.

Cottia seems to be doing well in school but she is a lot like me and does not seem to like school. I hope and pray she gets over that because I want her to be the very best she can be. She is such an amazing girl and I enjoyed helping her with her homework.

Eva seems to have developed a cold and I know she does not feel well but I think she is over the worst of it and I hope she gets over it soon. She needs to rest and that is never easy for a 2 year old.

So, this is our lives. God is still in control and we continue to move on. One thing I have learned is that no matter what else may happen I have my wife and children and my God and nothing else really matters. I hope you all have a great evening and may God richly bless you.

2011-09-07T17:17:00.000-07:00

If ever I needed to vent today is that day. But, I won't. I will just let God move and do my best to step aside. Needless to say I got some bad and I must admit shocking news. I was told the news while driving so I did pull off the road. But, I went on to counseling and I really needed it. I had a pretty good tremor going on when I got there but Glenda was able to work with me and calm me down. I started off barely able to speak but by the end of the conversation I was speaking better. I made my way home and took my medicine and it calmed me down and now I just have to trust that it will all work out in the end. The swelling in my left leg and ankle is still swelling and I got stung up with fireants and still don't feel any pain from it. But, I feel the pain in the ankle and just above the ankle. The physical therapist said conversion disorder would not be causing that so is something else going on with my left foot? Or just what is going on. Sometimes I feel like I am back at square one but all the doctors agree I do have conversion. I guess I have to wonder if there is something in addition to conversion. I guess we will continue to dig and see what we find.

Well, tomorrow is a new day and it is time to put a chapter in my life completely behind me. I never expected all of this and while I don't understand it all I do trust that God has a plan and move on.

I hope everyone has a great night and may God richly bless you.

2011-09-06T17:22:00.000-07:00

Today was therapy day and I had a very good day at therapy today. I walked with the 4 ended cane and while I had to sit some I was able to get around. But, one thing did cause some concern. I have some swelling again in the left ankle and they cannot explain it. The physical therapist said conversion disorder would not cause that but we simply don't know what is causing the swelling. it happens from time to time and it is always on the left side. I am not in as much pain tonight as I was yesterday but ther is still some pain and I continue to deal with it.

Cottia asked today if she could go to school one day a week instead of everyday. I know she is having a hard time but she has got to adjust and I have every confidence she will. We didn't get the rain we were hoping for but in a way that was good because I was a bit nervous about driving in the rain. I do continue to have the tremors and I know Occupational therapy has ordered 12 more weeks of therapy and I think physical therapy is about the same but we didn't really talk about that. Speech thinks I may need to take a break because of all that has happened. I am doing better in speech but am not ready to speak over the phones yet or to give presentations but that day WILL come because I will make it happen.

We continue to work as a family and I feel better today just a little tired and looking forward to counseling tomorrow. I keep forgetting to call about the CT scan so I will put that in my phone for tomorrow so we can get that out of the way.

I hope everyone has a great evening and may God bless you. Remember to pray for your enemies no matter who they are.

2011-09-05T17:48:00.000-07:00

Cottia had a great time last night with Ma Re. She really loves going down there and I am so glad because it is a part of her heritage and hopefully her future so I want her to love the farm and what she has been given. Eva is growing like a weed and I look forward to the day when I can take them both fishing and be able to spend the day on the pond. Right now, that is just not possible but hopefully it will get there. It is interesting how life turns on a dime. I got to spend most of my day with Cottia and while I had some tremors develop as the day went on I felt more and more of them come on. I wanted to have a day without having to take the medication that keeps me calm but I was not able to.

The pain in my left leg continues to baffle me. If this is in my mind then why does it seems to be increasing. I just want it to end and I know Emily does too. While I do more than I should I am still not much of a man. I have to admit that I wonder if Emily and the girls would be better off without me. A man on disability and a disability that may not go away. Do I really have a life and anything to offer? Or, am I more of a burden. I guess that is a question only they can truly answer.

I am finding myself not wanting to be around people at all anymore. With the exception of my family and a handfull of friends and even then I just want to be left alone. I find myself fearing a tremor or a fall and scaring others and their children. I continue to struggle but I am able to take a hand full of steps as long as I know I have something to grab onto. I know I keep saying how I trust God and his plan and I do but right now I just need to be allowed to have my self pity while at the same time wondering what will happen to my family and my precious girls. What and how will God provide and will I recognize it when it shows it's face. This is one night when I can truly say I am sick of it all. The pain, the tremors, the confusion, the memory issues, the falling, the therapy, all of it. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day as I have therapy and have to keep pushing forward despite it all. No matter what, life does go on.

2011-09-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

300 posts. Wow, I can't believe it. Just a few notes on me. The pain in my left leg and foot continues and at times is very intense. But, I do feel my speech is getting better. When I am home it is better then when I am out and I am hopeful it will continue to get better. But, I still have the tremors and am a fall risk so I am working on my balance and hoping we can graduate to a cane in the near future. I get around the house pretty good but when I am out I have to have the walker and if I get excited and see someone I haven't seen in a while I am prone to have a tremor.

Today was a tradition that I had wondered if I could continue. Every since our God daughter was born I have taken the girls to buy Gamecock car flags and had a gameday experience with them. Today was that day. Emily had to drive and it is hard to get in and out of the van but we continued the tradition. I believe in traditions like that and hope the girls enjoy it but to be honest it is probably more for me than them. So, Chloe is spending the night with us and we always look forward to having her. This has become a family event but I am able to get around with the walker as long as I can find a place to sit because I just get so tired.

When we got home Emily was able to take a nap and a well deserved one at that. I too took a nap but did not realize I was as exhausted as I was. I slept for several hours.

Today was the first full day of college football and the Gamecocks won so that is good but I have to admit knowing that I probably won't be able to make a game due to this condition is hard and makes my love of college football hard to bear. But, I am still glad we won.

Well, tomorrow is Church so I am heading to bed. I hope everyone has a good night and God bless.

2011-09-02T14:52:00.000-07:00

Not too much to report. Cottia had her first test and she says she did well. I'll wait until I know for sure. The pain in my left ankle continues to be an issue for me and the entire left foot is in pain but I just have to keep pushing on. It is a football Friday night and Emily and the girls are heading to the game. I wish Eva would stay at home with me but she wants to go and I understand that so I will update facebook as Emily sends updates to me. The bleachers would be too much and the least little excitement could set off a tremor. I don't think it is worth the risk. Going to Church is hard enough and those pews are padded so I know these bleachers would really cause a lot of pain. I can't begin to describe how much it hurts to not be able to go but I think it is for the best and I hope our team does well. This is a very big game and a win will go a long ways towards showing us how good of a team we actually have.

So, Eva's first week of school is over and Cottia has had her first test in school so life is moving on. I have therapy next week and a pretty full week of therapy and counseling to look forward to. Our God daughter is coming over tomorrow and it is always good to have her in the house. I hope everyone has a great weekend and may God richly bless you all.

2011-08-31T15:50:00.001-07:00

Today was counseling day! I always look forward to just getting out of the house and seeing Glenda is especially cool. She is always so understanding and really helpful. One thing I will say is I think we have a lot to do but I am encouraged and feel we have a direction in which to go. I remain determined to get better and feel I am making progress. I know I am not ready to return to the work force but that is my goal and eventually I will get there. The only rough news was I almost fell again and hurt my wrist but it isn't too bad and I can live with it. Cottia noticed that I had stubbed my toe. I didn't even feel that when I fell because the left side still is struggling. But, overall a good day of counseling.

Cottia did very well in school today and didn't cry. She is doing well on her homework and comes home with a smiley face everyday. I could not be more proud of her. She is reading and spelling and does her homework before she does anything else when she gets home. Eva also had a good week at school. As a reward we get them a small something to encourage good behavior and to let them know that with hard work comes rewards.

Eva seems to have developed a bit of a cold and Emily said her head is hurting. Cottia seems ok but I just hope we can keep the yuke out of the house.

Tonight Emily took Cottia to register for Awana's at the Church and Eva is in the bed she is just not feeling well.

So, another day in the life of the Taylor's. I hope everyone that reads this has a good night and may God richly bless you and your family.

2011-08-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

Today was therapy day and I am always worn out after which is good. I told my physical therapist not to be afraid to push me. I have worked so hard and been so determined to get better and I still want to be pushed. The pain in the lower left leg continues to bother me and I am not sure why my toes seem to continue to be spreading apart on the left foot. It is painful. But, I am dealing. I seemed to have had more than usual tremors today. I'm not sure why but I felt the workout actually went well. My speech is better the more relaxed I am but if I get upset then the speech seems to get worse and of course there is the risk of a big tremor. None the less, today's session went well and I am still hopeful for a full recovery. Not just to get better. When I look at all the other folks there that are in much worse shape than I am it really makes me realize just how blessed I truly am. When I am done, I am so tired that all I want to do is just rest which I did this afternoon. Tomorrow is counseling day and I am ready to see Glenda. I am looking forward to our time and to working through whatever issues are causing the conversion disorder. I am prepared to face whatever it takes to get better.

On another note, Eva started 3 year old preschool this week and it just amazes me how she has grown. She is so beautiful and wants to do homework. I wonder how long that will last but for now she is so cute.

I still have not heard anything on when they are going to do the CT scan so I may need to call about that. We have sent off all the paperwork that we have control over and hope we have everything set up. Now we just have to wait on short term to make a decision for the month of August 19th through Sept 20th when Long Term kicks in and has already been approved.

So, I guess that is about it for today. The girls are doing well and Emily is her usual strong and vibrant self. I had what I consider a good day and a good workout and am looking forward to the day when I am no longer using a walker at all and don't have to worry about falling. I am truly learning to live one day at a time and learning more and more to lean on God and his everlasting grace. I hope everyone who reads this has a good night and may God richly bless you all.

2011-08-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a few days but wanted to do some catching up. I feel I am continuing to improve even though I nearly fell at Church yesterday and had a pretty good tremor in the neck during lunch. I did fall today but luckily I was within reach of my truck so I just grabbed it before hitting the ground. I suppose it is also a good thing that I don't feel the burn like most folks do. The pain in my left foot and chin area continue to be a mystery to me. My toes seem to have stopped spreading apart but are at about the same distance they have been for a little while now. I am tired as usual but try to make myself do things. I can tell this is taking a toll on Cottia our oldest and that is not easy for me to deal with. She is and always has been very protective of me. She was sitting next to me yesterday when the tremor hit and she gently rubbed my back and then just kind of laid on me as if to say daddy it is going to be ok no matter what.

I did not go to the football game and right now have no plans to go to any of them even though I want to. It is even getting to where I don't really want to go out to eat because I don't want to fall and I don't want to have tremors in public. But, I force myself to try so that I don't become depressed.

Tomorrow is therapy day and I am looking forward to that and then counseling with Glenda. Thursday I have an appointment with my ENT. My hearing is either getting worse or when I am asleep I am just so out of it that I don't hear the phone. That is new. I always woke to the phone ringing before.

Well, that is about it. I am still waiting on short term disability to approve me from August 19th through Sept 20th when long term kicks in. I still don't understand what the hold up is if long term has already approved then what is holding up short term. If someone figures out how this all works then let me know.

Well, I am off to get some rest and wait on my wonderful family to get home. God continues to be faithful and his love never stops. Have a good day.

2011-08-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

Not too much to report today. I was very tired from the sleepless night but I did get a lot of rest this afternoon. My heart is skipping beats some tonight but I think it is because I wanted to go to the game so badly and have decided it is just best to stay home. I feel bad that Emily and the girls have gone. But, I know she will have help and that does make it a little easier. Maw Maw and Paw Paw will be there so she will have them to help. They went out to eat barbeque but I decided to just stay home. If I went I think I would have been more of a burden than a help. Emily already has to get the plates for the girls so adding me would put all the more stress on her and I just don't want that. So, here I sit on a Friday night and the first game of the season. I don't know if I can remember that ever happening before. But, it is for the best. If I went I could fall or have a tremor and that is just not worth it. Eva went with Emily and Cottia so I am alone and really feel more like a burden than ever. I love high school football so much but even that has been taken away from me at least for now. I just want to crawl in a corner and cry but I have to push on. Well, that is about it. I hope to have a much better nights sleep tonight and get the rest I need. I also hope Emily and the girls have fun and stay safe and pray for all those in the path of Irene. I guess it is just me and the TV for a few hours. Have a good night everyone and I hope Swansea pulls out a win.

2011-08-26T00:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it is late at night and I am just realizing I didn't blog today. I can't sleep so I guess I'll work on a blog now. I have had a lot of things on my mind lately and I guess that is why I am having a sleepless night despite my medication. I need the rest though. Today was therapy day and I had a good day of therapy but am in some pain even now from the workout but at least I am getting out and making my therapy sessions. I have a long ways to go but I fully intend to continue the journey. The girls including Emily are all fast asleep and I hope they rest well. Tonight is the first high school football game and I want to go but will admit I am afraid to go. We are supposed to meet some friends for supper before the game and I don't even want to do that. Not that I don't want to see them in fact I would love to see them but I know I would need to participate in the conversation and it just wears me out so much. Plus it is at the restaurant where I fell last Sunday and I am concerned about going. Because I still suffer some incontinence issues that also is a concern and a daily battle for me. But, I don't want to leave Emily alone with the girls at supper either and that is what is keeping me up. Wow, I really don't handle stress very well right now do I. If I tried to go to the ball game there is always the risk of falling and a tremor hitting if I get too excited. I still think the best thing is for me to just stay home with Eva and allow Emily and Cottia to go and enjoy themselves. But, it is hard not to go. I hope and pull for our team so much but it is probably better all around for everyone if I just stay away. I just don't know about the supper thing. I feel bad not going but would rather just stay home and have a simple dinner on my own. Then, Emily can bring Eva home and go to the game after she is put to bed. Anyway, I hope our team wins and has a great season but I think it is best if I cheer from home and hope for the best.

I also cannot get past this investigator and the way he handled things. Then, throw in when I returned to work in March still suffering from incontinence issues and had the accident but was not told where the bathrooms were and spent most of the day in the bathroom once I found out where it was and I begin to wonder if that may not have triggered the breakdown. There really are times I have to count my blessings because I sometimes think my life really sucks. When I went to work that day in March they were aware of my incontinence issues yet no one met me and no one told me where the rest room was. The closest one only had one stall and when I needed it, it was occupied. By the time I found one it was too late. I remember calling my wife crying out of embarrassment from what had happened and then two days later I had the breakdown. Had I been told where the bathroom was perhaps I would still be at work. I had tried to go back only to have this happen. It really does make me wonder and what do I do about it? So many questions, I guess it makes sense that I am having a sleepless night. I had even called HR to ask to be put up to work from home but they said no. They never told me why but they had set others up to work from home and to accommadate them after incidents. One was after a car accident and others were just employees. So many questions still left unanswered. I guess giving things over to God is not one of my strong suits! But, I have to wonder if I was accommadated the way I should have been when they knew of the incontinence issue and did that trigger the breakdown. So many questions. But, I do need to get some rest even if I don't fall asleep so I think I will close this edition of the blog and wish everyone a good night.

2011-08-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

Today was a rough day from the stand point of a headache and just being tired. I did get some business done and think I have most all of my paperwork taken care of. There are a few forms to file yet but for the most part I think we are done. The girls are in bed and the house is kind of quiet. It is interesting how the quiet of the house can make you think. I have a lot of decisions to make and I will just leave it that. I did have some tremors today and the headache but that is now gone and I just feel tired. It is also interesting how I feel my family is being guided by God and all I need to do is sit back and allow him to handle everything. I have therapy tomorrow and am looking forward to it and what it brings.

Through all of this I still have my family and refuse to give up. I still suffer some incontinence issues and wonder if that will ever end but my hope is it will get better. I know my rectum is healing but it is just taking time. I still feel embarrassment when the issue arrises but there is not much I can do until it clears up. Life goes on and God is moving. We will just sit back and enjoy his work and do our best to follow his guidance and love. I hope you all have a great night and may God bless.

2011-08-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

Today brought some good news. We found out that as long as I am considered disabled I don't have to pay the premium for the disability. I'm not sure about the life insurance yet but I do intend to port that as there are no health questions. Disability means the inability for me to do my job and given all the issues I am beginning to feel we are in good shape compared to so many others. God has richly blessed us and despite it all I would not trade my life for anyone else....well.....maybe Donald Trump without all the wives. Now that we have a diagnosis and have learned that this can last a while and even a lifetime I have to assess where I am. But, I am more determined than ever to beat this thing or at least get as much of my life back as possible.

I had a good day at therapy and even walked 200 feet with the walker. I think the Physical therapist is worried given all the falls lately. My ankles are really hurting right now but I did it and am very proud of that. Occupational therpay also went pretty well but I could not finish the final exercise because my left upper arm where the pacemaker is began to really hurt. Speech also went well. I still stutter a lot and did not do as well on the metronome exercise as I have been doing but I think that is due to the fall and that we did not have meet at all last week. But, it was a good day and with all of the issues we have been through having some good news is really wonderful.

Also, now that I have this diagnosis we have to figure out what triggered it and one thing that comes to mind is this happened was when I returned to work still struggling with incontinence. I let them know and that it was important for me to be near a toilet. I spoke with the HR manager whose name is Stan Saucier. But, where they put me was first not near a toilet and the closest I got was to a toilet that only had one toilet. When I had an issue there was someone in it. No one told me where any other toilets were so I went to where I thought there would be another. While there was and there were three they were also being used so I had to go to another floor. By this time it was too late. I called my wife from the bathroom in tears because of the embarrassment and the next day I had off and that is when this disorder hit. Is it connected? I don't know for sure but it is interesting that to this day I still struggle with incontinence and worry about being around others. I am going to go back through my blogs and see if I can find the date I called Mr. Saucier and spoke with him but if I can't find it I know the doctor's office will have it because I know I called the day I saw the doctor in March. The bottom line is they did not do everything possible to accommodate me when I informed them of this issue and it may have led to this disorder and if we can prove that and OCEA gets involved then who knows what may happen. I guess we will just have to see how God moves in all of this but it certainly is an interesting issue.

2011-08-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

Not much to blog about today. I did get to spend some time with my buddy Jason and really enjoyed it. It was a beautiful day outside and God has given us so much. I took care of some business issues over the phone and trying to figure out what we keep and what we let go. We face some tough decisions but we are prepared and with God as our guidance we will make it.

I am a bit bruised and scratched from the fall yesterday and Saturday and I have some pain in the legs. But, I am feeling like I can move around better and my speaking is better even though there are still some issues there and I obviously still struggle with balance issues. But, there is progress because my speech is better and I feel I am getting around better. My plan now is once I am better and am able to return to work I fully intend to become an insurance agent and will make things work for our family. I certainly have a story to tell and I am not afraid to share it on how companies work and what can happen if you don't have insurance. Even though the end of my career was not handled correctly, I am grateful for the years I had and the friendships I made so the story I can tell of what can happen out of the blue should help me to help people to understand they have to be prepared for the unexpected. I fully intend to continue fighting and will not give up and hope to back as a strong and vibrant person sooner than later. I refuse to allow whatever is causing this to last a lifetime.

But, I do also fully intend to make sure that I am better and ready to return to work so that this thing. This rare disease will not come back to haunt me in the future.

Well, Emily and the girls will be home soon and I always look forward to seeing them. They bring such joy to my life and just seeing those smiles make it all worth while. So, it is time to get into some deep counseling and really face the demons of the past and allow God to heal so that my life can move forward and I return to the vibrant man I once was. It really isn't that I owe it to myself but I do owe it to my girls and my family.

So, I hope everyone has a great evening and may God continue to bless each and everyone. Have a great evening. t

2011-08-21T16:40:00.000-07:00

Today was Church day and I will admit that I did not get to listen to the Sunday School lesson even though I had planned to. I did, however, talk and seek the advice of a trusted friend but I feel bad that I didn't get anything out of the lesson the teacher had prepared. The class has gone out of it's way to accommadate (sp) me and I grately appreciate that. This is not going to be a every Sunday event and I do want to learn from our teacher and I know as a former teacher how frustrating it is when someone is not listening. I did make my way to the sanctuary and usually I can hear a lot better but for some reason I was not able to hear as much as I usually do today. I think there is a speaker in the brides room but it was not on today. So, I tried as best I could to focus on the sermon but I'll admit I couldn't hear like I normally do. I have been known to fall asleep back there but I have tried very hard to stay awake and listen because I want to grow and now is the time for growth.

Last night my wife told me she was worried that my blogs have focused too much on the negative so I went back and read several and all I can say is I have tried to be as honest as I can and because most of the things that have happened lately have been negative maybe I have forgetton to mention how incredibly blessed I feel I am with my wife and children so I want to make sure that everyone knows that despite it all I feel blessed and loved. I would appreciate any feedback on these blogs. Does anyone read them? Are they helpful? Am I too negative? Do I show enough of how I love and appreciate all that I do have? Please be honest because I find the blogs to be very helpful for me to let out all my emotions and how I am feeling. But, I want people to understand the facts of the situation and that requires honesty.

After Church today we went out to eat and I had a pretty good tremor during the meal. Emily calmly put her hand on my leg which just her touch helps but this one persisted for a few minutes and caused a bit of a headache. On our way out I used the ramp to get to the car and of course I had my walker. Well, I fell forward. I am not sure if the walker just got away from me or exactly what happened. But, I have a pretty good scratch on my right arm and I bled a little on my left leg. I am in some pain right now but that is to be expected and I know I will have a pretty good bruise but I didn't go to the hospital and I didn't go to a doctor because there was just no need. I came home took my medicine and basically slept the afternoon away. Now, let's concentrate on the good things. First and foremost I saw the kindness of complete strangers and a very great family friend as they came together to get me up and in the car. Emily and Freda made sure the girls got out of sight because that was my first concern. I didn't want them to see me like that. I didn't know at the time but apparently Eva was crying. I think Cottia has come to realise these things are just going to happen to daddy. The other thing is ironically enough I cannot find a single splinter and the ramp is wooden so I would have expected to have some splinters but I didn't. Next, I didn't hit my tail bone which is in enough pain as it is so that is good news. All I have suffered is a few scratches and bruises but nothing other than that. The goodness of these men who helped I have never seen before and I don't know if I ever will and frankly I don't even remember their faces but they did what a true Christian would have done and we can all learn a lesson from that. So, that makes two falls in two days and all since the news of conversion disorder so I don't know if they are connected but I have to wonder.

Now to some of the better news of the day. The girls got to go swimming with mama and they seem to have had a good time. Both girls crawled up in the bed with me to check on me and kiss my boo boo. I love them so much and it is obvious they love their daddy.They were both worn out after swimming and I think they will get a good nights sleep. tomorrow is another day and the beginning of a new week. So, I want to try to do as much as I can as I can to be positive while telling the story as it unfolds. So, once again, I appreciate your feedback. Have a good night everyone and may God bless. Love to all.

2011-08-20T17:59:00.000-07:00

Today I got to spend with my daughter and my bud Jason. We had a great time but I was worn out by the end of the day. I actually fell asleep in a chair sitting upright. I am very impressed with the man Jason is developing into and the young lady my daughter is. Cottia has an active and loving Father but Jason did not. He is a testiment to what God can do to guide a life if a person will simply allow him. I hope Cottia and Eva will grop up to appreciate what they have and how much they are loved by their father. One thing I have noticed is how both of them look up to Jason and admire him and want his approval. I could not think of a better example of an older brother for them than him. He is just a great kid and I am blessed to have him in our lives.

I did fall again today. At first I didn't think it was anything to worry about but I fell in some briars. My hands hurt and I have discovered some minor scratches on my leg. But, it will be ok. I don't feel the pain like a lot of folks do so from that point it is ok. Just another frustration for me to deal with. My toes look like that have spread a bit more and that is very painful and my right pinky toe also has spread and my right arm hurts but that could be from the fall because I fell forward and I tried to stop the fall. When I have fall backwards I could not stop the fall because of the tremors. I am looking forward to continuing to fight and will never give up.

I just feel I have to push my body and make it realize it is stronger than it knows and that is hard. The ringing in my ears is still there and the weakness in my left side is still there but I didn't feel a major tremor today just some minor ones and my hands shook. I think I will rest well tonight and look forward to worshiping tomorrow in the Kings house. I hope everyone has a good night and may God bless.

2011-08-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

Today we saw the new neurologist and what a difference a doctor makes. He spend time with us and addressed all our questions. He did a thorough eval and answered all our questions. He actually smiled and really cared. He is also a psychologist so I kind of got both in one visit. While I expected to hear that I had parkinson's, I am glad to know that he does not think that is what it is. He is going to do a cat scan and did some lab work. But, he agrees with the other doctors that I have conversion disorder. It is strange how that made me feel. He explained the treatment is continued counseling and that it could get worse before it gets better and that some people never recover from it. I think one of the reasons I was hoping for Parkinsons is at least they have medications I can take that help but with conversion disorder there is no medication only counseling and determining the root cause of all of this. So, the drama continues but that makes three neurologist and a psychologist that all agree it is conversion so I have to accept that and really concentrate on the counseling and moving forward. I am better in a lot of ways. My speech is better all though not perfect and I am stronger in a lot of ways. When I am home I get around ok but one thing that sticks out in my mind is he said he has never seen tremors like I have so at least he saw one. I did almost fall but he was there with the student doctor and they caught me before I hit the floor. There comes a time when researching a prognosis is done and focusing more on recovery is the priority. So, here we stand with a rare condition that takes time to heal and facing an uncertain future but we still have each other and a mighty God who loves us and will keep us safe through this storm. I've lived through a lot and have a lot of ghosts in the closet so maybe God is telling me it is time to face all the hurts and issues I have had in the past and to allow him to heal them. I continue to covet your prayers.

On another note, our high school football team has looked pretty good in the preseason and I am hoping they will carry that over into the regular season and we will have a good season. I'm not sure how many games I will make if any but my heart will be with our team and pulling for them every Friday night.

2011-08-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

Today was just another day disabled. I am finding it more difficult to do things I used to do for granted. Like tying things or even opening a can with a can opener. I can still do it but it is just becoming more of a challenge. I get some strange sensations in the back of my head. Not painful kind of like the hair standing on end. I had to put a new tennis ball on my walker and I cut my finger. Not bad. It didn't really even bleed but that too is not normal for me. I feel weaker and when I sleep I am really out. Emily called me and sent me a text while I was taking a nap. Normally in the past I would have woken up but for the last few weeks now I have slept through the ring even with the phone on the highest ring. I had a really bad tremor today but this one began in my right shoulder. It didn't last long but it was there.

Cottia seems to be settling into school and Eva is back in the routine with maw maw. Emily is back at work full time and I feel useless. I wash dishes and try to do some things but I feel I am more in the way than a help even though I try to do things. But, I should count my blessings. I can still dress myself even if it is only shorts and sandles and I can shave and shower and just hope I never lose those abilities. The pain in the feet is not as intense today but it is still there.

tomorrow we see the neurologist and I can only hope he finds some answers so we can begin to truly move forward. I am excited and at the same time nervous and scared of what we may be finding. Emily is going so that should help me remember things I would forget. I am just ready for it to be over.

I appreciate all your prayer tonight about tomorrow and will blog about what the neuroligst says.

2011-08-17T18:10:00.001-07:00

Not much to blog about today. I had my counseling session which is always a blessing and I appreciate how my counselor helps me put things into perspective. I came home afterward and was really tired. Talking just makes me so tired. One thing is the counselor said she noticed that I had lost some weight so I may have started losing again but I can't really stand on a scale so I don't know for sure. But, it felt good to hear. We also got some good news that I won't get into but I will say that I am continuing to work hard on rehab and still hold out hope to get back to a job. We still have not heard from the short term but we have received the confirmation of the long term. I still believe my civil rights were violated by the investigator since I explained my memory issues and that I get confused and wanted my wife here yet he made sure he came when she was not able to ge here so I have to weigh how I address that. I don't want to be vengeful but I do want the truth known. So, there are some decisions to be made there. The distance between my toes is spreading and is quite painful especially on the left side. The spreading on the right side has just begun but it too is painful. The tingling in my fingers has moved into my wrist. And continues in my toes. My writing is getting worse if that is possible and filling out forms is becoming a challenge. I did get a good nap and slept well last night so that is good.

School is in full swing and Cottia seems to really enjoy it and her teachers. So far so good. Life keeps moving on and I'm grateful to everyone for their support and prayers. Your concern means so much to me and that you believe in me. It sustains me and my faith. God is still in control and who could ask for anything more. I hope everyone has a good evening. God bless.

2011-08-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of school and I am waiting to hear what and how Cottia enjoyed it. I'm sure she made some new friends and is excited about the year and seeing her friends.

As for me, I had occupational therapy and physical therapy. I told them about the separation of my toes and the pain it is causing. It is now starting in the right foot and the pain is in both ankles. My tremors are very noticeable and my physical therapist worked on the bike and some leg exercises. I was worn out but I had not been sleeping very well lately anyway so I'm sure that contributed to it. I have counseling tomorrow but no more therapy this week and while I don't like missing I could use the rest. Well, not much more to tell. I feel weaker and more tired but I have also been through a lot the last week and so an emotional rollercoaster is to be expected. The tingling in my fingers has moved to my legs and toes so hopefully the neurologist will have some answers. My handwriting is getting worse....if that is possible....and I get tired just writing my name and address. I see the neuologist Friday and hope to get some answers. I hope you all have a good evening and may God bless.

2011-08-15T15:52:00.001-07:00

Today was a pretty typical Monday. There were a few exceptions. I woke at 4:30 and could not go back to sleep. I am finding it difficult to forgive the investigator. I want to and the facts are they were going to let me go anyway so I just can't get past why send him and add to the stress I already had. Then, add in the fact that I asked for where it was written and did not even receive a return call until they made the decision and it is just hard. Then, add in the fact that I called HR at the corporate headquarters and they did not return my call. But, I did get some rest this afternoon.

On another note, the new cloths that we bought for the weight loss continue to fit me so I have not regained the weight at least not yet. But, the pain in my toes are really intensifying. I still hope to make the neurologist appointment this week. The pain in the third toe on the left side is the worst and I am still dealing with a lot of fatigue. This news certainly is not helping me get the rest I need to get better. If only the corporate office had been up front with me then maybe I could have an easier time.

I told my mother in law last night and she took the news well because I think she expected it given all the circumstances and my health conditions. It is good to know that she believes in me and supports me and understands the situation.

Well, tomorrow is the first day of school for our little girl. First grade. I simply cannot believe it. She is a first grader. Time really does fly by and while I am excited for her, I am also a bit saddened by the fact that she is a little lady and not a little girl anymore. I just pray for her safety and a great first grade.

Tomorrow I will have therapy and Wednesday is counseling but no therapy on Thursday and then the neurologist on Friday so it will be a busy week. I still struggle with confusion and memory issues and the pain in the feet and calves continue to give me fits. Speech is also still an issue but I am still hopefull that I can regain most of my speech fluency.

Right now, I am just tired but I can only imagine how tired my wife is. She has been at school all day and will be late coming in getting ready for the new year. I hope it will be a good one for her and all our students.

So, have a good evening everyone and continue to pray. t

2011-08-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

Today was Sunday and I am very glad that I was in Sunday School and even though I still have a lot of difficulty sitting in the sanctuary I am able to hear the Pastor in the Brides room. I'll admit I don't get as much out of that as I do the Sunday School class. Our lesson was on friendship and what it means. I am blessed to have a lot of friends but I am also blessed with some very close friends.

My oldest daughter had her last reading camp today so I had the youngest. We came home and took a good long nap. I really needed it and one thing has become obvious to me is rest is a necessary. I also received so much support from what happened last week and people that really know me know that I would never do anything to bring dishonor or not be forthcoming in any matter. It really makes me feel good to know that the people that know me the best know the truth and are truly troubled by the way things were handled.

But, this is a new week. A new beginning and it will be a busy one. School starts and I continue with therapy on Tuesday and counseling on Wednesday. I'm not sure about therapy on Thursday but still plan to attend the appointment with the neurologist on Friday so keeping busy and all of these things taking place in the mornings will allow me to get rest in the afternoon and really begin to put this behind me.

I forgot to mention that the colorectal doctor did say that with Parkinson's patients a lot of times it affects their colons which would explain why I can be constipated and at the same time when things begin to happen I am incontenent. So, that is just another opinion leaning towards Parkinson's. We still don't know for sure but the pieces are beginning to fall into place. We will see.

I feel pretty weak today and the pain in my legs and toes has been pretty rough but I have come to expect that on a daily basis. But, no chest pains today so that is good news.

So, life goes on and just want to get my life in order. I am grateful to all my friends and the support I have received. That is a good feeling.

2011-08-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

Cottia spent the night with my mom last night but did not have a good nights sleep until she had run papa Vance out of the bed so she could sleep with Ma Re. She made a point of telling me how bad Ma Re snored even with her CPAP machine on!! I'm not sure how much sleep the child actually got but she had a very good time. My mom washed her cloths and we are glad to have her back home. She got to go fishing with her friend Hunter today and really enjoyed that. They are actually cute together. It is funny how I look at him and wonder how their friendship will develop through the years. But, I am glad she has a friend like him because I know his parents and the way he is being raised and that he is in Church every Sunday. To me that is very important. Emily did some house cleaning and then went shopping. The girls and I took naps and now are just waiting on mom to get home. Eva is watching Curious George and Cottia is watching something but I'm not sure what is it. Usually means Spongebob.

I had some pretty intense chest pain this morning but it passed after I took my medicine. Right now, I am just tired and ready for a quiet evening. I am hoping I can get some rest and this sore throat is just the beginning of a little drainage and will pass. At least the chest pains are gone. The separation of my toes seems to be about the same but it hurts. I am just hoping it doesn't start on the right foot. I have felt the beginnings of the same kind of pains but right now it is not as bad. I did have the knife in the right calf last week that shot down my leg which worries me but it is not consistant yet so I am hopeful it will not become a factor. We will see.

Well, tomorrow is Church and the last Sunday before school. But, I will still be busy with therapy and counseling. But, all my doctors and therapists have made a point of telling me to rest and to take naps because my body is just tired and I am emotionally drained after what happened last week. They are all concerned about a set back. But, I am determined to continue to fight. I hope the Lord leaves me on this earth for a long time and I still hope another child is in our future even if it is not ours.

I woke this morning at 4:30 with worry and I'll admit a bit of anger still towards the investigator who did not tell the whole story and so I wrote an email. I'm not sure I'll send it because I know God has a way of handling these things in his own time and way but it helped me to get out some of my frustration. I just don't want to be bitter or angry. It is just going to take some time and right now I can focus on therapy and getting better.

So, that is it for today. I hope you all go to Church tomorrow and may God richly bless you all.

2011-08-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

What do I say about today. I had my counseling session which was a blessing as it always is. I also got the news that long term disability has been approved and can last for up to 2 years. I still hope I am able to get back to work in some form but it is also time to start the process for SSI. We still have to decide on cobra or going under Emily now or at the first of the year. I received the official letter from Colonial and the only problem I have is the investigator said I withheld information which simply is not true. I was as honest as I could be with this man. We allowed him in our home and tried to have someone here but he made sure it was just him and me so there really is no way to prove anything other than people that know me including my fellow employees and some who are pretty high up that know the person I am and also know I would never deceive anyone. Now, did I get confused? I don't know but I do know that to the best of my ability I answered all his questions and was honest and friendly and did the best I could. Now, in a way, I feel sorry for him because I just could not make a living where misleading is a part of the job. I guess in a way I feel sorry to him but now it is time to put that behind me. I am ready to move on. I can concentrate on getting better and the stress of a deadline is now gone and even though our lives are changed we as a family can move on. I am tired and in a lot of pain but life still goes on and I have to live with what has happened. I did sell the insurance products even though I did not know it was a company violation and it took being terminated to get it in writing but I did not withhold anything from the investigator.

I am grateful for the 8 years I had with Colonial and the friendships I made. I love them all and harbor no ill feelings. My counselor said it is ok to mourn like Dr Henri said and to learn to dream new dreams and to set new goals which right now is to get better and healthy so I can move on. Like I said in previous blogs, I still have my family and we still have our house and our love and faith and nobody can take that from us. God has a plan and something out there for me. I'm not giving up and while Satan is in full attack mode he has not beaten me because I have the truth and the God of the ages on my side. I hope you all have a great weekend.

2011-08-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

I decided to go ahead and post another blog. I think the important lesson from today is I got up. I went to therapy and while I was weak and very tired, I did do some simple work in PT and spent most of my time in speech therapy talking about what had happened and how that affected my speech. I have really grown to consider my speech therapist a friend as well as a person who is here to help me get my life back on track. She always had doubts that I could do even 20 hrs a week and she said it is ok for me to go through a time of mourning because this is the end of a dream and goals I had set for myself. Now, I have to set new goals and work towards a new dream. She is so right and I will continue to work on these issues. She will be on vacation next week so I won't have speech therapy next week but we will pick up when she returns. During Pt I had to use the rest room and while getting into the rest room I stumbled a bit. I didn't fall but the physical therapist was there and he helped me so I didn't fall.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well last night. But, I was able to get some rest when I got home from therapy. Another irony of this, is that I had to update my resume prior to being terminated so it is updated and there are always insurance company's looking for good people so I have no doubt that once I am back up and running I will be able to get a job and move forward. But, for now, I am going to concentrate on getting better and restored to health. We still have some decisions to make as a family but we have also already made some of those decisions. So, while we may be down a bit, we are not our and our God is an awesome God and he is in control and that is all I can ever ask for. I just keep remembering there are always others that are in far worse shape than we are and we are still together and have each other and no one can ever take that away from us. Have a good night everyone. I have counseling tomorrow and a doctor's apt tomorrow.

2011-08-11T05:22:00.000-07:00

I'll probably blog later today but for now I'll just say that I did not get a lot of rest last night. Needless to say the reason. But, today is a new day and God has given it to me. I will continue to fight and try to get better. It truly is all in his hands and I cannot think of a better place for any concern to be. I am very tired this morning but the day goes on and so does life. Thank you to everyone for your concern and understanding. While I will admit I am still in a bit of shock what is done is done and like I have already said God is in control.

2011-08-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

Well today was certainly one full of emotion and disappointment. There is really no reason to hide it so I will just go ahead say that I lost my job today. I can't say that I am surprised but it still hurts. I tried so hard to make it back. I worked extra hard at speech therapy and physical therapy but it is over. I can still receive my disability benefits so that is not affected but we will either have to go under cobra or I will have to go under Emily's insurance. We are still blessed and I see God's hands all over this. Now I don't have to worry about a deadline to return to work and can actually work on my health instead of worrying about the deadline. I actually feel sorry for the investigator though. It must be difficult to have to do what he does and I know I could not do it. But, even though he wasn't truthful with me I have already forgiven him and am moving on. My girls were so sweet as they saw daddy in a wheelchair. When I went to my doctor today I had a pretty good tremor and could have fallen but they got me in a wheel chair and the doctor says that I am still a fall risk and the tremors are obviously not going away. He also agreed that Parkinson's is a possibility and we should persue that. He also said as has my speech therapist said that conversion disorder can go on for quite a while. So, the bottom line is because I sold about 6 policies while on disability I lost my job today. But, I am still disabled and that has not changed so there is a lot going on.

But, we have our home. We have our family. We have our friends. Our children are healthy and we are loved so we remain blessed and God will take care of us. I have calmed down now and am resting and look forward to continuing to work in physical therapy and speech therapy to move forward. I always have my insurance license and was told that I could sell for colonial. So, once I am healthy and back on my feet I will really work hard on selling insurance and building my life back. I have a wonderful wife and our children are the lights of our lives. Our jobs are just a ways to a means. As long as we are together and love each other nothing else really matters.

So, a chapter in my life is over. I will miss all the wonderful people I met along the way and I will miss my job but God has something bigger and better in store for me. And, now, I can concentrate on getting better rather than a deadline. I thank you all for your continued prayers and concern and ask that you would pray for God's guidance to a new and better job and that his will in our lives would be met.