Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Well, today started out well enough. We got up on time and got the girls off and I headed to counseling. I always look forward to that. Then, on the way home, I needed to stop off at Wal-mart. Well, all the handicapped spaces were filled so I had to ride around for a while but God always provides and I found a parking space very close just by the store. I have to use one of those roller cart things because I can't walk around the store. Well, there is a light that tells you if the battery is dead or going dead and it was green so that meant the battery was fine. So, I started to pick up the few things we needed and then suddenly the cart died on me. I felt embarrassed and had to ask for someone to bring me a new one. Well, the store was gracious and certainly did bring me one but it had already started frustration. So, I didn't want to but I was hungry so I went through Sonic for lunch. I really don't like doing that but with my therapy sessions and this today I have had to go through fast food both days. I usually go through Bojangles and get Their boberry biscuits because they are cheap and every penny counts right now. But, they are just not that good for me so I went through sonic again adding to my frustration. I could feel my heart racing and the pacemaker working but I made it home and got in a short nap before I had to go get the girls. Emily had to have a crown on her teeth so I had to get the girls. Thankfully we have such wonderful people as Judy and Johnny in our lives that bring the girls out so I don't have to get out and risk falling on my way into their house. Well, we made it home at the exact same time Emily was driving up so she was here. We got cottia's homework done but Eva was in some mood. I don't think she feels very well and Judy woke her up from her nap so she was still sleepy and that also added to it. Emily took them to Awanas and I decided I wanted to go to Church tonight. Well, on the way in, I tried to open the door and fell against it. It really hurt this time on the right side and right now I am in a lot of pain in the right lower arm and hand but I have become so used to it that I just don't really think about it that much. I am just thankful that I didn't fall all the way to the ground. I was able to brace myself against the door until two men from the Church came out to help. I had obvious tremors but I have learned that taking some very deep breaths helps calm them down as long as I wait. It took some time but having these men to hold me while I gathered myself helped. The tremors lasted for about 15 minutes I would say so I asked a friend of ours to go with me to the brides room which she did and we just talked and it helped because I was concerned about driving but I felt I could make it. I called Emily to let her know we were on our way home and to ask her to start a cup of coffee for me. I didn't want to alarm her so I didnt tell her about the fall but at least she knew we were on the way home so she would have a time line to expect us. I have taken some pain mediine and will watch the right arm and hand to make sure there is no swelling. I don't see the need to go to the doctor unless it swells or something like that. Right now, I just want to relax and be thankful for the day I had and that I am home safe and sound. I have therapy tomorrow so I will tell them about it and let them take a look just to be on the safe side but unless there is some swelling there really isn't anything a doctor can do. I have noticed that I am getting dizzy more often but am not sure why. I guess we will see. Probably has to do with all the meds I m on. Well, that is about it. Just another day in the life.
On other notes, both girls did their Bible verses and seemed to have a great time at Awanas and are learnin so much. I am very proud of both of them. They are so beautiful and God has given me far more than I deserve. I pray his blessings on you all and may God richly bless you all. Have a great night.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

It has been a few days since I have blogged but I really have not had a lot to report. Today, I had therapy and found out that my insurance will pay for only 10 more visits so we have decided to tweek some things. I will do occupational therapy two more times and speech will also move to once a week but physical therapy will continue twice a week as far as I know right now. The exercise is very important for the vein disease so that has to be the priority. I am excited about what my Dr of speech therapy has for me though. She wants me to join a choir!! I have missed that and so I have to find one that will work with me so I am contacting folks that will allow me to sing with the group and that understands I will probably not be able to stand long periods of time. But, I can hopefully work on a Christmas program that is traditional and yet challenging. I feel like I have a new lease and even though the rehap will be winding down it will be there for me next year if I need it. The most important thing right now is this vein issue. If the blockage continues to build it could lead to a bigger and more major heart attack or stroke especially since my BP went to 190/135 last week. So, there will be some changes in my life but that is not always a bad thing. I just pray God continues to work and I pray his blessings on everyone who reads this. Have a great night and take care. t

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Well, it's been a few days since I have blogged but I feel the need to do so tonight. I am in another of the girls and Emily would be better off without me. I am just tired and know everyone reacts the same but I have promised to be honest so that is my emotion tonight. But, right now, I am watching Jeff Dunham's new show and it is really funny. He is a bit adult but it cracks me up! I went to one of his shows when he was in Columbia a few years ago and it was very funny. The pain in my legs is worse today but I guess that is to be expected.
My cousin seems to be doing pretty well and is recovering. I wish her all the best.
Disability continues to be more stress than is good for me or anyone. I now truly understand why people hate insurance companies the way they do. But, I have to figure a way to work this out to take the best care of my family as I can and get back to some form of work. At least if I am able to get into sales I can truly tell folks what to expect and help them through the process.
I still trust God and put my life in his hands. I have to admit that I wonder why Emily puts up with me. She is so strong and faces life dead on while I just want to crawl in a corner and give up. I admire her so much and just want what is best for her and these two little girls.
One thing I can leave this life with when that day comes is that I did not lie, I did the best I could, and did not give up. That is not a bad legacy to leave behind. I hope I have many more years to go but we will see. God has that all planned out.
To say it was a rough weekend is an understatement but it is over now and I am ready to move on. I continue to appreciate all the prayers and support. God bless you all and have a good night.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Today I saw my family doctor and he said to keep with the exercise and that the pain will increase and I just have to learn where the limit is. He did say that I have already done most of what I can do I just have to continue and keep up the exercise unless my cardiologist says otherwise.
It was a rainy day so I came home and got caught up on the rest I had missed from the other night at the hospital. I got a very nice call from my therapist yesterday checking on me and that meant a lot and today the Dr of speeck therapy called which also meant a lot. I'm just ready for all of this to be over but I have to keep fighting.
Cottia did not have a good night. But, some of it was my fault. I helped with homework which is never a good idea. I'm just not as smart as Emily and I thought the child had formed sentences but she hadn't. Emily had to get her shot so I thought I was helping but when Cottia found out she had more homework to do she had a major breakdown. I felt really bad but I made sure to take responsibility for it because it really was not her fault. Hopefully we both learned a lesson from this.
Well, that is about it. I am hoping the pain in my legs will get better and so I have to try to keep moving even with the walker. So, that's about it. The girls are in bed and Emily is hopefully able to get some rest and will be able to make the game tomorrow so she can get away from it all. I pray you all have a great evening and may God bless you all.
t

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Yesterday was therapy day and while doing physical therapy they noticed that again my left leg was tight and it was in pain. It was colder than the right and they became worried about a blood clot so the doctor sent me to the ER at Palmetto Richland to have a dobler study. So, I went there and waited in the ER for almost 3 hrs to go back. I really didn't mind that too much because there were people there much worse than me. But, It was just frustrating to wait that long. So, a recommendation. Always take an ambulance when going to any ER. Well, finally they got me back. I was having some chest pain so they did the normal blood pressure checks and some blood work which was normal. The dopler showed no clots but that I have Perpipheral Vasclar Disease. So, I guess that just means one more item to list on my check off of illnessess in life! LOL. But, I did get down and finally when the room was empty had a cry. I don't think I let it all out but at least I let my emotions out. They said they really had no answers but could see where the toes were separating and the swelling and my reflexes in the left leg are slower than the right and it has less sensation so I think that is why this diagnosis. I am supposed to follow up with my doctor and cardiologist. Well, as they were getting ready to discharge me my blood pressure went to 190/135. I dont think it has ever been that high so they decided to keep me a while longer for observation. It was already around 11 maybe even a little later and I was ready to go. So, they gave me some BP medicine and the BP did start to come down so they sent me home. Well, I thought they always took you out in a wheel chair but they were not going to do that so I had to walk. It would have been the furtherist I have walked since all this began. I'm not sure what happened but as I turned the corner on the way out, I remember seeing the door to exit and getting excited. The next thing I remember I was on the floor and had fallen again. I'm not sure but I think I hit my head on the floor because I began to develop a headache and my neck hurt. Plus my left elbow was hurting so they took me right back to the same room I had been in. I asked to be allowed to just come on home but the doctor said no. I felt I was already half way to my car so just help me get there and I would drive home. But, I do have to look at it from their point of view if something happened then they could be liable so I do understand. Well, they kept me for probably about another hour to an hour and a half. Did an x-ray of the elbow and it was fine and gave me some tylenol for the headache. I was still a bit dizzy but nothing I did not think I could handle. So, the hospital called a blue ribbon cab to take me home. They paid for it but I asked again to be allowed to just drive myself. We live so far away. But, the cab driver was a nice enough lady and I was able to share my faith with her on the way home so maybe that is why all this happened. Who knows. I got home between 2:30 and 3am. I went to bed and got up this morning to see the girls off. I wanted them to see me so they would be reassured that I was ok. Now, I have to get back to get my truck. I did get some rest today but am still a little stary eyed and dizzy but not too bad. So, just another day in the life. But, the good news is there was no clot just the vascular disease.
Now I am waiting on Emily and the girls to get home. I do have two doctor's appointments tomorrow and hope I can make them but we will see. I don't feel down right now just tired.
I can't wait to see the girls and their new haircuts!! They are getting hair cuts today and so is Emily so it is some good mother daughter time and I think that is very important. So, I will continue with rehab and enjoy my family and all God's blessings. Our of all of that if my sharing my faith with the cab driver was the reason and it changes her life or makes her thing then it will be worth it. Her soul is precious in his sight and if I have to go through some pain for her gain then so be it. I have been so selfish through all of this and have blown opportunity after opportunity to share my faith but I didn't last night. Late in the night as we rode home from a very long day. There is always a reason and a way to share we just have to look for it. Well, that is my story for yesterday and really today. I hope everyone has a great night and May God richly bless you.
t

Monday, September 19, 2011

Not a very eventful day. Cottia was sick last night and we had to clean her room. She had the same thing I think Emily had and now Eva has thrown up just a little so we are hoping she is not getting sick. But, there is a little bug going around. I am just tired. I did get some rest even though a very stressful event took place. The chest pains came back but I took my medication and it helped. I was able to relax. My biggest concern now is where do I go from here. I plan to continue with rehab and hope to continue to make progress. There is no doubt that I am making progress but it is slow and that is frustrating. I just hope the girls get to feeling better. The day was not a complete waste. I did manage to do some laundry and got some rest. Tomorrow is therapy and I am looking forward to getting back into the routine. I did have some tremors today but nothing that I am not used to. They are just a part of my life. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and continue to realize there is always someone else far worse off than I am. I just want my life back. So, that is about it. The pain in the left leg continues but again it is something I am just used to. Life goes on. Speech is better but when I am nervous it gets far worse and that also seems to start tremors. But, we will continue to strive forward and let God lead. After all, he has the final word. I pray you all have a great night. t

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I'm not sure if it was worrying about what I am going to do about a job and my family. Or, if it was just that my heart was acting up. But, I was up a lot last night with chest pain. I had to take the nitro spray 3 times. I know it wasn't acid because I took tums and my perscription. It took the nitro to calm it down all three times. Then, my entire lower body went numb. But, it didn't last long and now is ok. I'm not sure what happened there but needless to say I stayed home from Church. I went back to bed about 10 and slept until 5. I just have decided it is not worth us putting our anymore money just to be told that it is only angina and I'll just have to live with it. I have been enough of a drain on this family as it is.
Right now, I feel ok but tired. I did have pain in the jaw and some in the arm but that has happened before so I just take it in stride and move on. Hopefully there is nothing major going on and I will be ok. I just feel bad that Emily once again was left with the girls and I did not get to spend very much time with my daughters today.
When I did get up Eva was so cute. She decided to take care of me. She got her little doctor kit and gave me a shot, took my blood pressure and took my temperature. She would make a good doctor. So, that was my day. Not exactly the day I had envisioned.
We were happy to have Jason over last night so he could go to Church this morning with us this morning and I hope he had a good time. I'm sure he had a blessing from attending the service.
Please pray for my Aunt. She has been taken to the hospital with her heart and I love her dearly. Also, please pray for my cousin's son who is in the hospital as well.
I hope everyone has a good night and may God bless.
t

Friday, September 16, 2011

Today I had pain in the left leg again and the toes seem to have spread a bit further apart. But, I did not have any chest pain so I am focusing on that and am glad to report a chest pain free day.
I had two old and dear friends come over and eat lunch with me today. They brought the sub sandwiches and I provided the sweet tea. It was great to see Guy and his sister. I have not seen him in years and he is not on facebook but I do see his sister via facebook. It was just nice having someone in the house. They visited for about an hour and I wish we could have had more time. But, I was getting tired and they had business to conduct. As soon as they walked in I had some tremors but not too bad and I know it was just the excitement of seeing them. But, I calmed down and we had a great visit. After they left, I was able to get some rest and now I am watching the girls while Emily goes to the game. She deserves a break and I know how much these games mean to her. The girls are old enough now and have learned how to take care of themselves so really all I have to do it put them to bed so it is just me and my girls.
Tomorrow Cottia is taking part in a cheerleading camp. Not sure how I feel about that. No offense to cheerleaders but I would prefer if she did not do cheerleading when she is in high school. But, it is her decision and I'll support her.
My cousin's son is having surgery this afternoon so I would ask that you pray for him and a quick recovery. I'm not sure how old he is but about 10 I think and he has had a lot of things happen in his life and I will tell you he is one tough customer.
Well, that is about it. Tomorrow is the Gamecocks first home game and it breaks my heart that I won't be there especially since it is against Navy and I was in the navy. But, I'll be watching on TV. I guess the good news is no matter who wins, I win!! I'll be pulling for the Gamecocks but if Navy wins it won't hurt too bad!
So, I hope everyone has a good night and may God richly bless you.
t

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Didn't do much today. I woke at about 5 with chest pain and in a sweat. I got up and took some medicine and laid back down. I didn't fall back asleep but I had to go for a CT scan anyway so I just got up and got the girls going. I went to town and had the CT scan done then came back home. I went to lay down and the chest pain started again even more intense than it had been during the night. So, I had to take my nitro spray. Once I did that the chest pain cleared up and I was able to get some rest. I am waiting on Emily and the girls to get home and that always makes me smile. I don't really plan to do much tonight other than watch some football and since I don't really have an interest in either team I should be ok. It has been a while since I was woke up by the chest pain but having to take the nitro pretty much proves that was my heart. Well, I guess that is about it and I hope everyone has a good evening. May God bless you all.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Another day of not much to report. I had counseling today and that went well. I felt my speech was better but I still stumble around. The actual tone of the voice though is not too bad. I've tried singing some from time to time and I feel singing will help and help the vocal cords so I am going to try to sing some more every day. I need to talk that over more with my speech therapist but I can sing it is the speaking that is the issue. Funny how that is but it is true with stutters and those like me who suffer with fluency issues. I just don't want to lose my ability to make music. It has defined me for so long and has always been the one thing I can rely on so if I lose that it would be just devastating. I already know that it is harder and my voice has gotten lower but I think that has stopped so maybe that is a good sign. I showed my therapist where I could feel pain and that is also interesting. It seems as though it is in my bones and beneath the skin but not on the skin. And it is on the left side not the right. Just very strange. But, tomorrow I have a CT scan and I expect it to show nothing and I will still be stuck with conversion disorder as the diagnosis even though deep down I truly believe there is something else going on.
The girls had awana's tonight and they really seem to enjoy it. I'm glad they do but I wish it did not last until 8. That is a bit late to me especially for my youngest. But, I guess I have to go with what the Church decides. So, that is about it. The girls are in bed and I pray they have a good nights sleep and rest in God's arms.
I'll have to admit I don't feel like I am much of a daddy to them in the state I am in. I have said that before but there really are times I feel Emily deserves so much better than I can provide and the girls deserve a daddy that can at least go swimming with them. I would die for both of them and for Emily but sometimes you have to wonder what is best and how you can do the best thing for them. Don't get me wrong and don't read more into this than there actually is. But, I wanted so much for Emily to have a strong and healthy husband and these children to have a good daddy who is able to do things with them and instead they have half a man who walks with a walker and stutters when he talks and does not even have a job right now. Not exactly the life I had envisioned for them. No matter where our lives are headed my love for them will never change and will never diminish but I do wonder if Emily would be better off with another man who can really love her and treat her like she deserves to be treated. I don't think I am that man at least not in the state I am in. The irony is that I still want another child. How selfish is that. But, that is my heart and I guess it is not going to change.
Ok, enough of another pity party. Life goes on and tomorrow will bring new challenges and new opportunities. Let's see what God has in store for tomorrow. I pray everyone has a good night and may God richly bless you all.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Nothing to report today. Last night Emily got very sick and really did not feel well. She seems better today and took the day off. I also felt a bit sick and spent the day in bed. I have not slept like that since I got home from the hospital. I was asleep the entire time. I'm not sure how long Emily slept but I hope she got a lot of rest. I feel better now and was able to eat some dinner. I think Emily also was able to eat a little so I think it was just a 24 hr bug. The girls seem ok and hopefully they will not get the bug. Well, that is about it. I hope everyone has a good night and God bless.
t

Monday, September 12, 2011

I got to spend some time with my mother and her husband today which was nice. They got me out of the house and that is always good for me. One thing I will say is the pain is not as bad today but I didn't do a lot. The spot on my left leg is still there and it still hurts but not as bad. Hopefully I can string together some good days.
In other news, Eva threw a tantrum like I have never seen. I mean she was not going to listen and did everything she could to get out of doing what is expected of her. I hate it that she had to be punished but if we allow her to get away with things like that then she will think it is ok for the rest of her life and as a Father I have a responsibility to make sure she learns these lessons no matter how hard they may be. In her defense I do think she was tired but man trust me when I say she really showed out. It is amazing to me how different Cottia and Eva are. They both cry and throw tantrums but with Cottia I can usually get it under control very quickly but Eva is very head strong and it takes some persuasion to say the least. But, we love her for the way she is and I thank God he gave her that never give up attitude.
In other news, I put on the jeans I wore last year and it fit about the same. It felt a little tight but not what I was expecting. I honestly thought I had gained a lot of weight and while I may have gained some I don't think it is a lot. Cutting out muffins has gone a long ways. I need to get back to the protein diet and plan to do that starting tomorrow. The one thing I do know is I have lost a lot of weight and for at least a year I have managed to keep most of it off if not all of it. But, I do want to lose some more. Another thing I have to keep in mind is I am working out at physical therapy so I am building muscle and that will help. I am optimistic about the future and losing some more weight.
I share a lot on this blog and I am amazed at how it helps me vent and feel better about my life even on the worst of days. My life is far from perfect but it is the life God has given me and the greatest job I could hope for is to be the father to these two little girls and who knows maybe there will be another. I have always dreamed of a third child but I know it would have to come through adoption and my health would have to improve. Who knows, maybe God will provide in his time and manner. Jason is as close to a son as I have ever had and I am so grateful God has put him in our lives so we will see how many young people God will lead to us. Maybe that is why I am going through what I am going through. All I know is I want his will in my life and while it may hurt to have to punish, I would not be a good father if I didn't correct my children. All of them even if they don't have my last name. That includes my God daughter, Jason, and my own two little ones.
May God richly bless you and I hope everyone has a good night. Pray that I can string together some good days. Tomorrow is therapy and the CT scan is scheduled for Thursday and counseling will be on Wednesday so it will be a busy week. Again, have a good night and God bless.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Church was very good this morning but the pain in my left leg is getting worse. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. But, I do feel the pain. It is ironic that I went to bed early last night so I would feel rested today and hopefully not sleep as long in the afternoon. But, I ended up still so exhausted that I slept for nearly 4 and a half hours. When I got up the pain had lessoned but it was still there. Emily and Cottia were out by the pool but Eva was still in her crib. I got her out and she got her bathing suit and was able to at least get out and enjoy some time with Emily and Cottia.
Once we got the girls in and bathed and fed I took the time to explain to Cottia while the news was showing images of 9/11 about the significance of our flag and I was so impressed that she does know what it means to be an American. I thought how awesome that was. I also explained to her the significance of the flag we have by our fireplace with all the medals of Pop and exactly who he was and what he had done as a WW 2 vet. I then told her about her own grandfather, Emily's father and how he too was a vet and that I also was a vet and why she should be proud of being an American. I'm not sure how much sunk in but I think she knows more than we give her credit for. I also explained to her how great I think her friendship with this young kid named Hunter is. That I really want her to be friends with kids that go to Church and whose parents we know. I know she is young but I don't think it is ever too soon to start delivering that message and how I feel about young men and being raised in the Church. I hope the message sinks in. It is so interesting to me how I find myself looking at all these young boys and think is one of these young men going to be the husband to my daughters and the father to my grandchildren. I don't know the answer to that yet but I do know how important it is to me that they are raised in the Church and that they make it a priority because God knows I have failed miserably in that as a man, husband, and Father. I want to much more for them.
So, this concludes this blog other than to say that on this day of remembrance I am thankful for all I have and have been given. I'm not rich compared to rest of our society as far as money goes and we have certainly been dealt some blows we didn't expect but we are still together and that is what matters most. May we never forget and may God bless our great nation and our fighting men and women. Thank you for all you have and continue to do.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Not a lot to report today. I had a lot of tremors this morning and spent the afternoon in the bed. I am still determined to get back to some form of work but right now it looks like it will have to be part time at least to start. I refuse to give up even though I feel like it more and more. I have to keep fighting and just trust God and his plan.
Cottia seems to have had a good day and week at school and she seems ready for a good weekend. Eva also seems better and I am hopeful that her cold is now over.
I'm watching the news and wondering how people cannot believe that God is not sending us a message. But, that is just the way it goes.
Tomorrow is a big day of football as the Gamecocks play Georgia so I hope to be glued to the TV and pulling hard for my Gamecocks. This is always a big game and I know I will have to take my medicine to get through and to keep calm. Tonight our Swansea Tigers are on the field and Emily will be sending me text messages with updates so I can keep up with the game.
So, life goes on. I'm learning how to cope and trust the God of the ages.
On another note, today is my mom's birthday and I want to wish her a very happy day. Thank you mom for all you have done and may God bless you and your new husband today and always. Have a good one Ma Re!!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Today I did not make therapy. I had a rough night and spent a lot of it in the bathroom but I think it could have been mostly nerves. I feel better this evening. I did do a few things today like some laundry but it really wore me out and the pain in my foot and left leg is really bad. I have noticed that the right big toe and index toe is spreading now and is my right pinky toe. But, I have to keep pressing on. I did get my CT scan and it is scheduled for next Thursday morning and then I have a doctor apt with Dr Barlow. So, I have a busy few weeks ahead. The tremors were really bad yesterday but today I had a few but not as bad. I just feel tired.
Well, enough of that. I seem to be maintaining my weight and that is a good thing. At least as far as my cloths indicate. I can't really stand on scales so there is no way to know for sure but I don't think I have gained anything back and if I have it isn't much so I feel good about that.
Cottia seems to be doing well in school but she is a lot like me and does not seem to like school. I hope and pray she gets over that because I want her to be the very best she can be. She is such an amazing girl and I enjoyed helping her with her homework.
Eva seems to have developed a cold and I know she does not feel well but I think she is over the worst of it and I hope she gets over it soon. She needs to rest and that is never easy for a 2 year old.
So, this is our lives. God is still in control and we continue to move on. One thing I have learned is that no matter what else may happen I have my wife and children and my God and nothing else really matters. I hope you all have a great evening and may God richly bless you.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

If ever I needed to vent today is that day. But, I won't. I will just let God move and do my best to step aside. Needless to say I got some bad and I must admit shocking news. I was told the news while driving so I did pull off the road. But, I went on to counseling and I really needed it. I had a pretty good tremor going on when I got there but Glenda was able to work with me and calm me down. I started off barely able to speak but by the end of the conversation I was speaking better. I made my way home and took my medicine and it calmed me down and now I just have to trust that it will all work out in the end. The swelling in my left leg and ankle is still swelling and I got stung up with fireants and still don't feel any pain from it. But, I feel the pain in the ankle and just above the ankle. The physical therapist said conversion disorder would not be causing that so is something else going on with my left foot? Or just what is going on. Sometimes I feel like I am back at square one but all the doctors agree I do have conversion. I guess I have to wonder if there is something in addition to conversion. I guess we will continue to dig and see what we find.
Well, tomorrow is a new day and it is time to put a chapter in my life completely behind me. I never expected all of this and while I don't understand it all I do trust that God has a plan and move on.
I hope everyone has a great night and may God richly bless you.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Today was therapy day and I had a very good day at therapy today. I walked with the 4 ended cane and while I had to sit some I was able to get around. But, one thing did cause some concern. I have some swelling again in the left ankle and they cannot explain it. The physical therapist said conversion disorder would not cause that but we simply don't know what is causing the swelling. it happens from time to time and it is always on the left side. I am not in as much pain tonight as I was yesterday but ther is still some pain and I continue to deal with it.
Cottia asked today if she could go to school one day a week instead of everyday. I know she is having a hard time but she has got to adjust and I have every confidence she will. We didn't get the rain we were hoping for but in a way that was good because I was a bit nervous about driving in the rain. I do continue to have the tremors and I know Occupational therapy has ordered 12 more weeks of therapy and I think physical therapy is about the same but we didn't really talk about that. Speech thinks I may need to take a break because of all that has happened. I am doing better in speech but am not ready to speak over the phones yet or to give presentations but that day WILL come because I will make it happen.
We continue to work as a family and I feel better today just a little tired and looking forward to counseling tomorrow. I keep forgetting to call about the CT scan so I will put that in my phone for tomorrow so we can get that out of the way.
I hope everyone has a great evening and may God bless you. Remember to pray for your enemies no matter who they are.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Cottia had a great time last night with Ma Re. She really loves going down there and I am so glad because it is a part of her heritage and hopefully her future so I want her to love the farm and what she has been given. Eva is growing like a weed and I look forward to the day when I can take them both fishing and be able to spend the day on the pond. Right now, that is just not possible but hopefully it will get there. It is interesting how life turns on a dime. I got to spend most of my day with Cottia and while I had some tremors develop as the day went on I felt more and more of them come on. I wanted to have a day without having to take the medication that keeps me calm but I was not able to.
The pain in my left leg continues to baffle me. If this is in my mind then why does it seems to be increasing. I just want it to end and I know Emily does too. While I do more than I should I am still not much of a man. I have to admit that I wonder if Emily and the girls would be better off without me. A man on disability and a disability that may not go away. Do I really have a life and anything to offer? Or, am I more of a burden. I guess that is a question only they can truly answer.
I am finding myself not wanting to be around people at all anymore. With the exception of my family and a handfull of friends and even then I just want to be left alone. I find myself fearing a tremor or a fall and scaring others and their children. I continue to struggle but I am able to take a hand full of steps as long as I know I have something to grab onto. I know I keep saying how I trust God and his plan and I do but right now I just need to be allowed to have my self pity while at the same time wondering what will happen to my family and my precious girls. What and how will God provide and will I recognize it when it shows it's face. This is one night when I can truly say I am sick of it all. The pain, the tremors, the confusion, the memory issues, the falling, the therapy, all of it. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day as I have therapy and have to keep pushing forward despite it all. No matter what, life does go on.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

300 posts. Wow, I can't believe it. Just a few notes on me. The pain in my left leg and foot continues and at times is very intense. But, I do feel my speech is getting better. When I am home it is better then when I am out and I am hopeful it will continue to get better. But, I still have the tremors and am a fall risk so I am working on my balance and hoping we can graduate to a cane in the near future. I get around the house pretty good but when I am out I have to have the walker and if I get excited and see someone I haven't seen in a while I am prone to have a tremor.
Today was a tradition that I had wondered if I could continue. Every since our God daughter was born I have taken the girls to buy Gamecock car flags and had a gameday experience with them. Today was that day. Emily had to drive and it is hard to get in and out of the van but we continued the tradition. I believe in traditions like that and hope the girls enjoy it but to be honest it is probably more for me than them. So, Chloe is spending the night with us and we always look forward to having her. This has become a family event but I am able to get around with the walker as long as I can find a place to sit because I just get so tired.
When we got home Emily was able to take a nap and a well deserved one at that. I too took a nap but did not realize I was as exhausted as I was. I slept for several hours.
Today was the first full day of college football and the Gamecocks won so that is good but I have to admit knowing that I probably won't be able to make a game due to this condition is hard and makes my love of college football hard to bear. But, I am still glad we won.
Well, tomorrow is Church so I am heading to bed. I hope everyone has a good night and God bless.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Not too much to report. Cottia had her first test and she says she did well. I'll wait until I know for sure. The pain in my left ankle continues to be an issue for me and the entire left foot is in pain but I just have to keep pushing on. It is a football Friday night and Emily and the girls are heading to the game. I wish Eva would stay at home with me but she wants to go and I understand that so I will update facebook as Emily sends updates to me. The bleachers would be too much and the least little excitement could set off a tremor. I don't think it is worth the risk. Going to Church is hard enough and those pews are padded so I know these bleachers would really cause a lot of pain. I can't begin to describe how much it hurts to not be able to go but I think it is for the best and I hope our team does well. This is a very big game and a win will go a long ways towards showing us how good of a team we actually have.
So, Eva's first week of school is over and Cottia has had her first test in school so life is moving on. I have therapy next week and a pretty full week of therapy and counseling to look forward to. Our God daughter is coming over tomorrow and it is always good to have her in the house. I hope everyone has a great weekend and may God richly bless you all.