Our interim pastor was in Church today and preached. I have not seen him in a long time and not sense this whole ordeal began. I was so excited to see him and it set off a tremor. One that was pretty bad compared to the ones I have had recently. I thought I was going to fall but fortunently Pastor Mark was there so I grabbed his hand and it helped to stable me. But, the pain from the tremor is very intense and it has given me such a bad headache. I guess I am still dealing with the whole body tremors. I know I had some resting last night but they were pretty easy. I have been going to bed early. But, I am up in the night and sometimes I have problems falling back asleep. Then other times I fall right back asleep. I think that is pretty normal but not the resting tremors. Today is one of those days I feel discouraged and just wonder how much more I can take. It was great seeing Randy and I love him like a brother so I know the excitement is what caused the tremor. I just hope the neurologist will have some answers. Well, that is about it for now. I may blog more later but I plan to lay down for now and try to get some rest.

On a brighter note, I am very proud of our kids and what they learned from Seesalt now if I could only get them to come to Sunday School and be a part of my wife's class!!!! Just a side note. I am especially proud of my boy Jason. He is really becoming quite the young man and I am very proud of him.

Eva has a bit of a cold so please pray for her and Cottia is in reading camp this afternoon. Well, that is about it. Have a great afternoon everyone.

Cottia's first real sleep over went very well. I think all 4 girls had a great time inclucing Eva. She is such a little trooper and will not be left behind in anything. Emily had her Holocaust meeting this morning so I had all 4 girls for a very short amount of time and they behaved very well. I made them come down in the living room with me so we could watch TV. It was only about 15 minutes before Grammie came for Chloe and Jessie and it really wasn't that bad. But, I did not take my medicine because I was afraid of not being alert should something happen. Then, I made a peanut butter sandwich for Eva and Cottia for their lunch then Eva was so exhausted she actually crawled up in my lap. I made her get up and head to get crib for a nap and told Cottia that she could watch TV which she did most of the afternoon. I laid down still without taking my medicine. I decided I wanted to see how I would react. I ended up sleeping for the entire afternoon. I did not realize just how tired I was and still am. When I woke I was in a lot of pain and Emily was home. It was almost 5 and I had put Eva down around 12. Emily said she slept until around 3 so she must have been pretty worn out too. But, I am so glad Cottia had a successful sleep over and I hope she has many more.

I woke in a lot of pain especially in my foot and lower back. A friend of mine called with the number to a pharmacist who has a medicine that might help. She believes like some in my family that all of these symptoms are from the band surgery. I plan to call Monday and speak with the pharmacist. I have noticed that now the right toes are separating some and I wonder what could be causing that. I just have a lot of questions for the neurologist when we meet on the 19th. I still have not heard anything official from the investigator. But, the claim has been approved through the 19th. I just feel so tired and wobbley but I did not fall today. I just felt like I was going to from to time. I did take my medicine but mainly because the pain is so intense that I felt I needed to. I am very concerned about becoming addicted to the medicines but right now they are all I have.

Well, tomorrow is Sunday. So we will go to Church then Cottia has reading camp. I am so proud of her and just love how well she is doing. She is so smart and I just want her life to be filled with joy and happiness and love. I want the same for Eva and it is amazing to watch her grow up with those beautifull blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair. Both my children are simply amazing.

I continue to hope to return to work 20 hours a week before the deadline but I think we have to be ready just in case. I also think I need to see about a medic alert alarm in case I fall and no one is here. Several folks have suggested it but I have not followed through with it as I should. I will look further into the alert though it is just a smart move.

Hope everyone has a good night and be sure to go to Church tomorrow even if you sit in the brides room.

Cottia is having a sleep over tonight so the house is filled with laughter and the noise of 4 little girls inclusing Eva. It is hard for her being the youngest but she holds her own. I had my counseling session this morning and had a lot to talk about and actually went a little over. I am still worried about what is going to happen with my job but am trusting that God is in control. The pain in my left foot continues but I am wondering if that is from the toes. It all makes sense and from what I have read and been told others thought I had parkinson's for a while now given the way my neck would shake back and forth. I have printed a lot of material and done a lot of reading and based on that and what others think I will be surprised if this is not Parkinson's. At least we will have an answer.

It should be an interesting night with the girls but I think it is something I need to get used to as Cottia grows up there will be more and more sleep overs. That is what little girls do and I would rather them be here where they are with me and safe than somewhere else.

Getting back to the job issue. It will really come down to if they want to work with me despite the speech issues and weather my doctor thinks driving to and from work is safe. He is concerned about a tremor especially if I become stressed. I had a tremor today but it was pretty minor.

Right now, the main pain is in my lower back, tail bone, and foot. But, we move on and despite it all having a house filled with little girls and their laughter make it all worth while. So, I hope everyone has a great weekend and don't forget to go to Church Sunday morning!

An amendment to the earlier blog. The more I research the more I become convinced that what I have is Parkinson's. I noticed there is a difference between the distance from my second toe to the third toe on the left foot that is not there on the right and that the pain in my foot and ankle all are symptoms of Parkinson's. Combine that with everything else and it just makes sense. Emily has believed for years that I had Parkinson's based on the tremors in my hands and maybe the stress just triggered it to progress. Even the speech issues are related to Parkinson's and the balance issues and the falling which is almost always backwards although I have fallen forward as well. Memory issues and confusion are also symptoms. I printed the information and highlighted the symptoms I have and also tried to put them in my phone so I can discuss with the neurologist and my doctor. The doctor of speech therapy already said it is a distinct possibility. If anyone has any insight I would appreciate it. I don't want to get excited about this but just having an answer makes me excited. We may not know on the 19th but we will certainly share everything with this neurologist. And I see my regular doctor the 15th. Even constipation is a symptom which I have had to deal with for years to the point I have to take something to help me along. I have a very important few weeks ahead of me but I needed to add this admentment.

Let me start by saying that Joanna Whiteside is one outstanding speech therapist!!

As for today, we stepped up the therapy and started standing physical therapy. I did pretty well but am really tired tonight. I also think that affected my speech therapy but I did pretty well with that as well. Occupational Therapy we worked on putting on slacks. It is amazing how we take things for granted like putting on slacks but for me it has been a challenge. They told me some tricks and I think it will work. I am just trying so hard to make that 20 hrs a week so that I can keep my job. But, I have to admit I am discouraged. I called to correct some things they had in the letter they had sent and I really fumbled with my words. My therapist told me what causes that but I forget what it is called. I told them I would do anything if the doctor clears me when I see him on the 15th to drive. Given the tremors and continued falling I don't really know what to expect but I am going to do everything I can to get there. Still even with all of that, we have it a lot better than most.

Right now, I am in a lot of pain and am really tired but I had what I think was a productive day. Tomorrow I have my counseling session so I am looking forward to that and talking about the week and seeing where we stand.

I'm just so tired of being tired. I just want to be quiet and rest.

Today was one that was fairly uneventful. I did almost fall but I didn't quite hit the ground so that is good. It is a day that I have had to deal with pain more than usual. I am not sure but that may be a good thing. It may mean nerves that had gone dormant could be coming back to life. The pain has primarily been from the lower back and down my legs but it also could be from the therapy sessions so who knows.

Tomorrow is therapy day and I have to call to clear up some things with long term disability. I still hold out hope that I can return to work but it is better to be ready than to wait until the last minute just in case. Of course if the government defaults then it may not matter and we all will be looking for work and not able to have it. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

One thing I know for sure is God is in control no matter what and I just have to trust that it will all work out no matter what. Just keep praying that they will work with me to fill the 20 hrs a week and that I can handle the stress. The tremors do seem to come on the more the stress and I just need to get back to work. I miss the folks I work with and helping the customer even if they are in a bad mood. I think we could all use a lesson from the great old hymn and cound our many blessings one by one. I have so many that we would be here all night if I got started so I will just say that I am blessed and God has been good to us no matter what happens.

So today was therapy day but they got me double booked so I had to choose between Speech and Physical Therapy so I chose speech as it is more important in getting back to work. I really hope we can make the deadline and am working extra hard. My scores and fluency are improving the key I think really will be does Colonial want me back. I may have some issues but I am working as hard as I can. I did ask my Dr of speech therapy about Parkinson's and she said it is a definently a possiblity but it is important to point out that she is a doctor of speech therapy and not a medical doctor but that makes my counselor and speech therapist that think parkinsons is a real possibility and after reading the symptoms I agree that it is a possibility. If it turns out that it is Parkinson's plenty of people can live productive lives and I will work extra hard to make things work.

I did get to do occupational therapy and they did an assessment. One thing we learned is it seems I do better with weights on my arms but we are going to continue to work with the weight which is 1 and a half pounds to see if it makes a difference in my scores.

I just wish I did not get so tired. Worn down but I am trying to make all adjustments necessary to return to work.

I received the long term paperwork today and man what a mess. I have already messed it up and will have to request some new copies tomorrow. I don't understand why they would need me to do a job questioner when my resume is already on file and so is my work history. Make no sense other than to make me work harder to get disability in case I am terminated. Please just pray that I am able to make those 20 hrs a week.

So, that is about it. Emily and the girls are fine and we as a family are also fine and God is so good even in the midst of this storm but I do think we are narrowing in on the cause of it all and will go from there.

Good afternoon blogger readers. I hope you are all feeling well. Last night was not an easy night for me as I had some difficulty with diarrhea (sp). But, and incontinence but that is just becoming a part of my life. I'm not sure why but today I decided to look up information on Parkinson's disease as my counselor had said she thought I may have it. After reading the information I can certainly see why she would think so. Now, I'm not saying this is Parkinson's but it certainly does have a not of the charactics of the disease from the tremors to the memory issues to the confusion I experience. I am attaching the link below for those interested in learning more.

The girls started swimming lessons today and Emily is taking them so I am home alone. I am tired again which is nothing unusual and also a symptom of parkinsons. But, I am glad the girls are continuing their swimming lessons I just think it is important for them to have as normal a life as possible. So, life goes on. One thing the Parkinson's folks said was to stay the course. It is hard to get a diagnosis and it can take some time but I am going to still try to get back to work the 20 hrs a week necessary so that I can keep my job. God will see us all through whatever it is and he has a plan so I just have to stay the course.

Well, the in-laws have all returned home and the house is back to normal. But, it was nice to have them here and to celebrate with us Cottia's special day.

Today did not start off very well but at the urging of my wife I decided to go to the Sunday School class instead of going out to the worship team. Her reason is valid because she is concerned I am not being fed the word and I am glad she cares enough to speak up. But, I do try to read things on the internet from time to time but still it is not the same. However, I am scared of sitting up close to the class because of the incontinence and I thought I was contributing to the worship team but I dont really think I was. So, I sat at the back of the class in case I needed to make it to the bathroom I could hear and make it if an incident happened. As for the worship team I started out sitting out close but would not be able to make it to the bathroom so I moved to the back where I could be close to the bathroom in case I needed to get there. People just don't realize how embarrassing that is but it is a fact of my life. But, I agreed with her that I am not getting anything out of attending the one hour of practice and since I dont go to the other practices going back into the Sunday School class was the right thing to do. I don't think she knew that I did not sit up front during their practice but rather sat in the back just in case. Well, of course the Sunday school class was probably exactly what I didn't need today. Our teacher talked about adoption and how his two sons are planning to adopt. This is a subject that is very close to my heart and something I have always felt I was meant to do but with my health and age the chances are very slim. It's not that I am happy for the teacher's son and even offered as much advice as I could but my emotions were broken. I felt so sad that the one thing I felt the most secure in that I could do in my life is to adopt a child is probably not going to happen. I have never cared the color. gender or really even the age only that I had adopted. Now one might ask why is this such a sensative subject to me. That is a fair question and the answer is I feel most Christians are such hypocrites in that we oppose abortion. We even lobby legislatures and base our votes on this issue yet we are not willing to step up to the plate and adopt these children which makes us in my opinion very hypocritical. I hope someone from our class will step up to the plate and adopt a child and not base it on anything other than a child that needs a home. Who cares if it is white, mixed, black, native American or even their age or male, or female. A child is a child and while my dream and hopes have faded to being basically erased it does not mean that I am not as passionate about the subject as I ever was. I am now 48 and Emily is 41 and us being given a baby by adoption is pretty slim. We have taken in kids through the years and loved them as our own and even now our home is open to a young man that we love as our own but that step to adopt is probably gone. Now the subject of the lesson was to step up to the plate basically but it has led to a day of deep sorrow deep in my soul and a void I had thought was gone but is now reopened. Don't misunderstand this blog. My girls and my wife make my life full and filled with joy because of them. But it does nothing to lessen my pain and sadness today and all because I went to Sunday School. I will continue to go to Sunday school and I love everyone in there but this is the deepest conviction I have in my life regarding what I was meant to do. I know people will respond to this and their will be words of encouragment and I appreciate it but for now, I just need to process this pain and at the same time be happy for the two children that will be in homes where they will be loved and cares for. I am more than willing to offer any advice and I am sure my cousins that have adopted will also help in anyway they can but for me unless there is a miracle adoption is not an option. I told the worship team that I will no longer be able to help out and Emily is right because I do go back to the bride room during the sermon and usually fall asleep about half way through the sermon but the pews are very painful for me. But, I do the best I can and at least my girls still see their daddy going to Church so hopefully they will grow up realizing that despite it all he made time to be there and that will be a good example for them. I just want to be the best Father to them I can be and even though the pain is real and the incontinence in embarrassing I have still made it to Church to set that example that I hope will be with them for the rest of their lives.

So, that is it for today. A day of sadness and a void I thought I had learned to live with opened again. Now, I have to figure out how to move on. But, I will. I always do.

Well, the in--laws made it safe and sound and the kids are loving having their maw maw Eva around. I enjoyed my counseling session today and had a lot to get off my chest. The long term disability specialist called and we talked and got things started in case my disability does go into long term. I am still hopeful that it won't. I have been in a lot more pain today but I think it was from the therapy yesterday. The long term specialist said she was going to send me the rules so I still don't know what that means in terms of the investigation but I have reservations as to the real reason the investigator came here. But, I guess we will continue to wait until we know for sure the investigation is over and what they determined before we know for sure. I was never dishonest or in anyway tried to hide anything. Heck common sense tells you they would know everything about me because I have not tried to hide anything it has always been on the blog and FB and I know everyone can see that so I have not tried to hide anything. But, again, it is what it is and we will just have to see how this all resolves. It is interesting that I am still stuck in March and have to check my phone to know for sure what month or day it is. But, I have learned to use my phone to remind myself of appointments and things that I have to do. It really is a great memory tool. Well, that is about it.

Tomorrow we celebrate Cottia's birthday and the family being here, Emily has worked so hard and done so much for this party and it will be special just because of the love she has for her children. The pool will be great for the kids but daddy just cannot get into the pool but, I will be here and given everything we have been through that in itself seems like such a miracle. God has allowed me to see another birthday for my child and myself. Just pray for Emily and that she does not get overwhelmed. I am so blessed to have her.

Have a great weekend everyone and God bless.

Therapy went well today and I actually stood up for 3 minutes without holding onto anything. I did tremor but I didn't fall which was incredible. Speech also went very well. I feel I may have even had a break through. I was exhausted after and had some chest pain so I think I may have had an angina attack but I got through it.

I did receive a phone call from short term disability approving me through August 19th which is when I meet with the neurologist. I dont know if that means the investigation is over or what but she did say that they had a staff meeting and made the approval. I will feel much better when I have something in writing before I am completely comfortable with the whole thing but this is obviously good news.

Well, the family is here from Virginia so I don't expect to blog for a few days but we are excited to have them and look forward to Cottia's birthday party.

I also want everyone to know that Crystal is doing fine. She was back at work and I actually spoke with her and we both got a good laugh. I feel so much better just knowing she is ok.

Honestly, I still am confused as to why the investigator came but I don't think they would have approved the claim if he was not satisfied. I sent him an email yesterday shortly after our meeting and he has yet to respond. I also find it ironic that I called the human resource manager yesterday and he has yet to respond. Now, according to his message he is in the office and I am sure he is busy but all I asked for was an acknowledgement that he got my email and you would certainly think the HR manager would have called back by now. But, again, until I have something in writing that this thing is resolved I can not know for sure.

So, I will leave you with this until I blog again, I have made progress and will continue to work hard at therapy and look forward to the meeting with the neurologist in August and see what he thinks. A fresh pair of eyes will be a good thing and if he continues with the conversion disorder then I'm not sure where we will go from there but we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Have a great weekend.

t

Well, the great investigation is over. All I can say is I hope no one ever has to go through that. I was caught off guard which led to confusion which led to him believing I was not telling him the truth. Everyone that knows me knows that my life is about the truth. I don't know what it means for us from here on out so it is now a waiting game. But, God is in control and I just have to trust him. I needed to rest but was not able to this afternoon so I am waiting on Emily and the girls to get home. It is my birthday so I am not planning to dwell on something that is out of my control. I will just let God handle it. Much easier said than done I know. But, we move on and with the support of my friends and family nothing else really matters. So, happy birthday to me!!!

Well, today was certainly eventful and scary all at once. During physical therapy, I was working with a new therapist for me whom I did not know. She asked me to stand without holding on to anything which I have not tried at all since this began. My left side quickly gave out and I fell directly on her and the hard floor. She started crying and I was crying more because she was hurt than me because it had finally happened. I had hurt someone. I know it is a part of her job and I know she knows the risks but still she was in obvious pain. It took two big guys to get her up and they left me on the floor while the doctor came in. He checked me and said he felt I had strained some muscle in the left leg but nothing broken. But, I was to follow up with my doctor. They applied ice to my leg and said to just take it easy. My biggest concern was Crystal. I just could not believe what had happened. Eventually they got me up on a table and the occupational therapist came over. I was very weak and tired and eventually the pain started to set in especially in my tail bone area. But, they knew how upset I was and how to calm me down. We actually played connect 4!! I did pretty good but then she played another game with me and it was quite clear that my left side continues to be weaker than my left. I did not have speech therapy which was probably for the best. I just wanted to come home. I called Emily and we agreed that I should see my family doctor just so it would be noted so I called and was able to get in and see a nurse practioner. She checked me out and did an x-ray on my wrist because of the pain. It is not broken but it is sprained and I am to ice it down and just take it easy. They cannot do anything about a broken tail bone so she checked with the doctor and we all agreed that there was no reason to take any further risks so there was no x-ray done on the tail bone. If it is broken it just has to heal on it's own. I am to sit on comfortable chairs and just take it as easy as I can. Right now. I have a head ache an the wrist hurts but mostly my tail bone is the biggest pain. I know the pain killers will come in handy for a while now but it is what it is. I called HealthSouth back on my way home and actually spoke with Crystal. She did not break anything but may have a torn rotator cuff they will know in a few days but I would

Again, not a very eventful day. My left leg has been in a lot of pain today but the therapists say that is a good thing because it means my nerves may be waking up. But, the pain is moving up from the toes to the thigh. I have had chest pains but they have been different and the tingling in my left fingers has been a bit more intense than normal as well but no pressure just pain. Strange. I think I am going to be one of those people that they just never quite figure out what is wrong and I just have to live with it. It is interesting just how I miss my coworkers. I don't talk about them as much as I should but so many of them have sent me words of encouragement and even cards and that means so much to me. I think it is also interesting how when we are at work we want days off and complain about our jobs and how difficult they can be. That is true of everyone. But, when your day is comprised of getting up, wearing sweat shorts because it is a struggle to put on jeans, making some breakfast and then trying to do some things so you don't feel like such a burden only to pay for it with so much pain and exhaustion that you fight to stay awake until noon or even 1 just so you don't sleep the day away when you take your medicine, you would give anything to hear that customer fuss or complain. We take so much for granted. So, today, I say take time to let the folks you work with know just how much they mean to you. Be thankful that you are healthy enough to work and even if you are sick be thankful that you have family and friends that support you no matter what. There are always those out there that are far worse off than you are and those customers make the day go by so much faster. Just to even be able to hold a conversation without struggling is a gift from God and right now I look for any and all his blessings. Life may be a struggle but it is still life and I miss my coworkers and all the laughter and love and caring and sharing we have been through the past 8 years. I can't even drive to see them or pay a visit right now but I know a lot of you read this blog so I just want you to know just how much I do miss you guys and the joy you bring to my heart. So, here's to PHS, my manager and my coworkers. Count your blessings and know that I love and miss you all.

Emily and the girls made it home safe and sound and the house is once again abuzz with noise and clutter. Things are back to normal. I had a rough night though with tremors and just being restless. So, I am extra tired today but I'll get through it. The pain in my left leg is very intense but I also have not been able to take my medicine because Emily had to take Cottia to reading camp at Columbia College and I have to watch Eva. I have to be as alert as I can be with her. I almost fell down the stairs and spilt some milk but I managed to clean it up. I feel so weak today but again I think that is because I didn't rest very well last night. Hopefully when Eva takes a nap I can get some sleep. I am so ready for this week to be over. The stress is really beginning to mount and I am having more chest pains but there really isn't anything I can do about it. God is in control and I just have to trust him and his plan. Well, I hope everyone has a great Sunday and relaxes some.

Today, I finally did sleep in a bit but am just so excited that the girls are on their way home. I think the house will be filled with noise and adventure once again in just a little while. I know they were stopping off to eat and then would be heading the rest of the way home so I am not sure exactly how much longer it will be but I just know that I can't wait to see them. Well, that is about it. I continue to struggle with the pain in my left legs and speech but I'll get through it. The investigator comes Wednesday and I am ready to get that behind me because it has certainly added to my stress level. Just having resolution one way or the other is going to be helpful. My counselor read me the verse for that way which is my birthday ironically enough. But, the verse talks about Jesus offering up loud cries and tears to the one who could save him. Now we all know this was regarding the cross but in my case I take it as offering up loud cries and tears regarding my claim and job to the only one that will truly make the final decision. I know the disability folks have the last human word but in the end God the Father already knows what will happen. There is also a verse she read to me that said to make my concerns known so that others can pray so I am asking everyone to be in prayer for me to be able to remember the things I need to remember and to keep at peace during this time. God has my back as they say so I need not worry.

Today was counseling day. I went in thinking we were going to work on relaxing techniques with the upcoming investigator but instead I had a lot to talk about. To me, having the claim investigated is both an opportunity and an insult. Honor still matters to me and I have a reputation of being honest and that is very important to me. But, we never really worked on relaxing techniques instead we read scripture. Glenda listened to me and we prayed together. It is interesting that while I am worried because he could find against me while at the same time I have a sense of peace because I know the truth and I have the support of family and friends who have witnessed the tremors and how I have struggled with speech but they have not. I called the investigator to let him know that I know why he is coming. He seemed a bit off guard but he did say that there are some inconsistances in my claim but he would not say what they are and the only way to resolve them was face to face. I don't really know what they are but it really does not matter. I will just be open and honest and answer his questions to the best of my ability. One thing he did say was he wanted to come at 10 instead of 1 because of his schedule. I told him that was ok because I didn't want to frustrate him in anyway but it probably means Emily can't be here. I don't look forward to going through the interview alone because of my memory issues. But, if necessary, I will just call her or try to send a text while he is here to make sure I give correct answers.

So, I guess that is it. Nothing else major other than I once again woke with chest pain and had to take nitro. I am finding that when I have therapy and exert myself that seems to trigger the chest pain. But, my cardiologist has assured me that it is not life threatening so I just take my nitro and am learning to take it with me at all times.

I did tell the investigator that I am looking forward to meeting him and answering his questions and hopefully clearing this matter up one way or the other because the stress is not helping and it very well could set me back but that sense of peace that only believers have is reassuring. God is in control and he has my future and our family. We have been through so much this year and really the last two years that I just would love to get up and go to work and come home and walk without a walker and go swimming with my children and live life as it was prior to all of this. But, I can't go back the events of the past two years are here for a reason and I have learned from them and God willing we will go back to being a simple middle class family serving God and moving forward. I continue to ask for your prayers and support as we go through yet another trial. Oh, one more thing, he did tell me there is no exam or test just an interview kind of thing. So, I just do the best I can do and let God handle the rest.

So, tomorrow my girls come home and the house will once again be full of life and noise and little girls and honestly, I cant wait. My girls, and wife mean everything to me. They make my life full and worth living no matter what. As long as I have them nothing else really matters.

Today was therapy day and I really look forward to my therapies. I feel I am making progress and the Physical Therapist is really challenging me. I know he wants to challenge me more and I feel that is good. Speech went well. Dr Henri is a great lady and very caring. My speech was better today but I did have some tremors. As always after therapy I am really tired and am getting ready to take a nap. But, one thing I promised when I began to blog was to be honest about everything and I debated weather to mention this or not but being honest means telling everything. I got a call yesterday from an investigator with my disability company. He is coming to visit me next Wednesday. What I don't know is it standard practice or do they just want a reason to deny me my claim. It certainly has added to my stress level but I also know I have nothing to hide and if you look at it from their perspective so many things have happened over the last year to one person so I would be suspicious as well. I actually slept well last night with a sense of peace because I know God is in control. Even though there is always concern because they may very well deny my claim he has the final word and I have several people who are willing to write letters stating what they have seen and what I have been through.

I continue to have pain in my left foot but there was some numbness in my ankle which they said is good. Any feeling of any kind is good even if it is just numbness. So, another chapter unfolds in this ongoing ordeal but like I told Emily no matter what happens we will get through it as a family together and moving forward. I actually look forward to next Wednesday now and if for no other reason to give a sense of closure to the claim.

My records have all been sent except one that I know of so that may be the reason for all of this but who knows. My counseling is tomorrow and we will go through some relaxing techniques to help me get through the next few days.

It is also important for me to say that I don't blame them for investigating since so much has happened. If I were in their position I probably would do the same thing. I know I am disabled and the people that know me know I am disables and believe in me and really that is all that matters in the end.

So, here's to the future and whatever God has in store for me.

Well, I woke this morning at 4:30 with Chest pain and pain in the right side of my lower jaw. But, I know, based on my cardiologist, that it is angina. So, I decided to stay in bed and see if it got better. But, it didn't. I already knew I needed to get the mail which I had forgotten about so I got up, took my nitro spray and then went and got the mail. Moving seemed to help but I hate the headache that comes from the nitro. I checked the dogs, took care of the trash, fed the fish, and now have taken a valum to try to calm down. I am sitting down now with the fans going and plan to just rest today. Oh, one other thing, the cat used the carpet again as a litter box so I had to take care of that as well all of which is risky for me and falling but it has to be done so I did it. I stumbled again but for the second time I was able to stop myself from a full fall so that is good then I took all my medicines and sat down. I plan to watch TV and just stay in the house. I know the headache will wear off and then I will go back to bed and try to get some sleep.

I am so tired and just feel so worn out but I had not thought about how talking makes me tired even more than physical workouts until my doctor of speech therapy mentioned it to me and asked about it but there is very much a connection between talking and the chest pain. I think the physical workout contributes but I talked a lot yesterday to disability, the doctor, and others more than normal and there certainly is a connection. So, I need to limit my talking and keep in mind that it may lead to an angina attack.

So, another day is on and already I have a full blog. I don't know if I will blog again today but I do ask for your prayers.

I spoke with Emily and my girls last night and they seem to be having fun at the beach and I am so glad. I miss them but am glad they are enjoying themselves. They are coming home Saturday and I am excited to see them.

I hope everyone has a great day and will stay cool and hydrated.

Today was therapy day and man did I work out. Physical and occupational therapy are going well and I am really getting that one on one attention I need that home health care was not able to help me with. I am finding the physical therapy challenging because I am still so weak and it does wear me out. Occupational therapy is not as bad. My cordination is not bad. It isn't what I want it to be but it is getting better. They are so encouraging and really challenge me. It is speech where I worry. I got my base line scores and they were not good but it as a lot better today. My therapist is just wonderful and I feel so comfortable with her. But, I worry that we will get me where I need to be by August 28th and she was quite honest with me in telling me that this may be a struggle I will have for the rest of my life. She also explained that is why I get so tired talking and she does hear vocal tremors. But, I am not willing to give up and she knows that. We will work extra hard and I am to rest my voice but also practice so in someways it will be like being back in college. She told me the name of what I have vocally but I don't remember exactly what it is called but it is neurological in nature and it can get worse so continued therapy is a must. I have been impressed with everyone I have worked with at HealthSouth in all phases of therapy and would recommend them to anyone who needs therapy.

After therapy I had to pick up my prescriptions and then it was home. I checked on my current disability status and they still have not received my records from the home therapy but I found out that they charged for the records and my disability was hesitant to pay the charge and when I found out how much it was I can't say I blame them. But, I was assured that the records have now been released. I also found out that they sent the request for HealthSouth to the wrong place when I have provided them the correct address and phone number numerous times which is frustrating but HealthSouth is pretty good so hopefully the records will get out pretty fast. My family physician said they sent theirs out today so hopefully that will be the end of it and we can get a decision.

The main thing that concerns me is can we get me to 20 hrs a week by Aug 28th and will my employer work me like they have others even if it means I am not on the phone. That is all up to them. If they are not willing to do that then Emily and I face the very real possibility that I will be on disability and not employed. But, we have a little more than a month and hopefully we can work something out because I have already told every doctor that I want to return to work. But, I think it is time to begin the process of SSI just to have some income. I just hate this and want my life back. I just never expected all of this when I went out for a simple lap band procedure. But, I told my speech therapist as I left today that she is dealing with a rocky who will not give up. Not yet. I still have fight in me and God's willing I will regain my life. But, most of all I have my wife and children and they make this worth fighting for and living for.

It is interesting how on a day I could sleep in, I still woke at 8:30. For a lot of people that is sleeping in I guess but for me before I had children sleeping in could be as late as noon. But, I think it is good that I got up, I had breakfast and watched some TV until about 1 then the pain in my left leg was just too much. I went back to sleep and really took a long nap. Taking naps is nothing unusual for me but usually it is only 1-2 hours but today it was more like 4 hrs. Now, I have to admit that I have taken 4 hr naps before but not lately so today was just a bit different and I mean I really slept. I was completely out. When I woke, I had to check on the dogs. This is the one thing that kind of scares me because I have fallen once when checking on them. Today, I stumbled a bit but did not fall so that was good. I have my phone with me at all times but in this heat and ants are the biggest concern if I were to fall and not be able to get back up. I do feel heat but it is not like it was once. I'm not sure how to explain it but my sensations are just different and the dogs do need to be looked in on. I just wish I spent more time with them. I feel they are being neglected for affection which is what they want. So, they do have cold water and food and the basics of life and I do try to pet them for at least a few minutes just to assure them they are loved.

The pain in my left leg has now moved to my thigh. The pain in the foot is constant but it is moving up and the tingling in my fingers continues so I have no explanation still no further word on disability and I know I need to start investigating SSI and I have to do some more research on the VA disability so Wednesday will be a target date for that.

I did get some things done today. Mainly involving prescriptions. But, it was something. Tomorrow will be a very busy day as I have therapy in the morning and have to pick up my prescriptions on my way home by then I know I will be worn out and ready for some rest.

I miss my wife and children greatly and it is this part of this time of day that is the hardest because I am used to giving baths and preparing dinner which is usually just hot dogs and simple things that I can do so this is this lonliest part of day for me. Mornings are tough because I am used to getting the family up and going but the evening when I get them ready for bed and I miss my daddy kisses before bed. I miss my wife and all the things she does and how she just gives the house that woman's touch. I just keep telling myself it is only a week and it will be over soon enough.

I do think the angina medicine is working. I am still having some chest pain but right now it is better. It is worse at night but overall I would say it is better. We will see how that goes but if I can get some releaf on that then that is one less thing I have to worry about.

So, that was my day. Tomorrow will be busy which will be good and I am looking forward to therapy and working out.

I didn't blog yesterday so today's blog may be a bit long. Of course long for me is 2 or 3 paragraphs!! LOL. My wife and girls left yesterday for the beach and so I am home by myself. I will admit it is scary to a degree but I have my phone with me at all times and getting around the house is not too bad for me. I have learned how to navigate the house on my own anyway so the hardest part was last night when there was no noise in the house. It is amazing how quiet the house gets when the girls are not here. Emily made me some food before she left so I am good and yesterday Jason and Jordan went with me fishing so I got out of the house and this morning I went to breakfast at Church. I didn't stay for Church but I did enjoy the interaction with the folks there. My left leg is in some pain today but nothing too bad and I continue to have chest pains. But, the doctor said it would take some time for the new medicine to get in my system so I just have to be patient.

We had a guy fall at church who is in surgery right now with only a 10% chance to survive so it makes my problems seem so small. God has a way of putting things in perspective. There is always someone worse off than I am. I continue to fight and will not give in. I am determined to make that 20 hrs a week by the deadline given by my job. Right now though, I would ask everyone to pray for the guy that fell at our Church today and his family and that he will defy the odds.

I do have a busy week ahead with therapy and counseling so it will keep me from staying in the house everyday and will get me out.

Well, I guess that is it. I miss my family and hope they are having fun but it sure is quiet around here. Funny how you look forward to having some quiet time then when you get it you miss the noise. Really makes you appreciate what God has given you!

Sometimes it amazes me how God manages to push me even when I want to just sit still. Today, I had my counseling session and it just makes me feel good to talk about the issues in my life. Right now the biggest stress is worrying about my disability and if the extension will be continued and if this issues is permanent or can it be fixed and finally will I be able to keep my job. I really want and need this job and now that we are up against a time table my stress level is up.

Today I really did a lot but it felt good to do things. I had some tremors and some chest pain and right now I am totally exhausted but I did things. I just don't want to over do things and have a set back. My doctor's biggest concern is overdoing it but today was the last day before Emily and the girls leave for the beach. I will be alone for a week which does kind of worry me but at the same time it will allow me to challenge myself and get some rest.

I talk a lot about what is wrong with my health. But, there is also a lot right about my life. For example. My children love me and reach up for kisses and hugs. My wife made me home made squash cassarole (sp) to enjoy while they are gone. I have friends who care enough to help us out when their own lives are busy. I have my God and he sustains me. I get to snuggle with my little ones and tell them how much I love them and how beautiful they both are. God has given me so much so even if the worst happens. Even if this is permanent and I do lose my job, I have the love of my children and family and one hug makes all the problems go away even for a minute. The pain is still there and walker is still there and the speech is also an issue but those eyes and hair and little arms make it all bearable. So despite it all I am a blessed man.

Not too much to blog about today. I saw my family doctor who does not want me returning to work while under going therapy because he is concerned that the stress would set me back and he is still concerned about the tremors. I did get him to agree to a written note giving me permission to drive to medical necessary events but other than that he does not want me driving. I did make my speech and some occupational therapy. The speech therapist have a series of tests to assess where I am with my reflexes and to help coordinate my brain function which should help my speech. She also told me that right now they have me scheduled through Sept 21st. But, they are constantly assessing where I am and it may be extended or I could be discharged earlier. It depends on my progress. Weather I will be able to speek with customers by August 28th remains to be seen but I have to find a way to control that stress.

I contacted my disability and she has not received the records from the home health folks yet. I am beginning to think that I should have just gone straight to outpatient instead of home health care. My family doctor said his records and disability information should be sent Monday. HealthSouth and Dr Westerkam's office said they had not received a request so I forwarded their fax number again and the home health folks said they mailed the records last week so maybe my disability specialist should get it soon perhaps the 4th of July weekend is the reason it is delayed. I'm not really worried that the claim will be approved but I am worried as to how long it may take and of course I am worried about my job. I think we will be able to get me to 20hrs a week by August 28th but it will be close. Still, God is in control. I just want need any more stress and neither does my wife and kids. One thing I have learned is how folks who are on disability deserve respect and dignity and I will admit I have not always given them that. Just another lesson God has taught me through all of this.

Well, tomorrow I have my weekly meeting with my counselor which I look forward to. It helps to talk and it helps me put things in perspective, and it helps reduce stress.

I always look forward to seeing my cardiologist. He has such a good way with patients and is just a great guy. Also, I felt I was going to finally get some good news on the blood pressure issue and I was right. He had told me that the new BP medicine would take some time to get into my system but based on the readings he overlooked it appeared my BP was leveling out in both arms. Still a bit faint and they want me back in another month becauuse of the chest pain. He did show me where there are probably small blockages in the non essential arteries which are not life threatening but it can certainly be painful and feel like a heart attack. It is a type of angina but the most important thing is it will not harm my heart it is just painful and there is a medicine for it!! YEA!! I GET TO TRY YET ANOTHER MEDICINE! He said it took a little while to get in my system and I have to take it twice a day. But, it might help with the angina and keep me from having to take the nitro when the symptoms are so bad like they were when we were in Virginia.

I came home after the apt and took my meds because I did have a tremor while at the doctors office but I managed to calm myself down and I did not fall so I am learning how to slow down and that affects the tremors. I didn't sleep very long because tomorrow is going to be a very busy day with an 7:30 apt with my family doctor then therapy so I will be worn out by midday but I want to go to therapy and my doctor takes patients that early and this will give us time to talk and make a plans for my disability. I look forward to a good day of therapy and just a good day in the Lord.

Today didn't start very well. I got up and thought I had turned off the alarm so it would not wake Emily and she could sleep a little. I was using the bathroom when I heard it go off. I really thought I had turned it off but I had not and it did wake her but luckily she did go back to sleep. I am not sure how long she was able to sleep because I had to leave for therapy but at least she did get to sleep in a little. Tomorrow should be better as I don't have therapy only a dr apt at 11:15. It is with my cardiologist and we have a lot to discuss. I am learning more and more to depend on my calendar on my phone because I forget to much.

Therapy went pretty well. My bp did move around but not too bad. It was high but the biggest thing was before we even began working out and at complete rest my heart rate was at 100 kind of fast and they did say the BP readings were faint so these things will need to be addressed. But, the main event was speech therapy. I am so glad to be with a doctor of speech and I know I am getting the best care possible. One thing she asked was my voice higher, lower, or the same since this event in March. I didn't know so I texted Emily and she said she had not really thought about it much but she thought it was lower. The reason that is important is even a slight change shows something physical happened instead of just in my head. So, if you read this and know me I know it is a lot to think about but do you feel my voice has changed in anyway or is it the same as it was before the incident in March. I tend to think it is a bit lower. But, I don't know for sure. I do know I get tired talking even though I like to talk. The bottom line is the more we can give the doctors the more we can find a reason for all of this and hopefully prevent it from getting any worse or coming back on me.

Occupational therapy I felt went well but I was so tired and I noticed that my right hand felt weaker than normal. The tingling in my arms continues.

I came home and tried to do a few things to help Emily. She at least got some time to read a book while Eva napped and Cottia watched some TV so that was good. I napped as is normal but I am going to bed earlier now trying to get my body on a different type of schedule. Now earlier is 11pm or at the latest 11:30.

One other thing the speech therapist thing did say is she wants to do so much with me and she will not be done with me by August 28th but hopefully my job will find something I can do while continueing speech therapy. God willing I will be able to do something even if it is just updating addresses. It is all in his hands now.

So, it was another interesting day but God continues to be in control and I feel his presence everyday.

Happy 4th of July to everyone! Let's celebrate our freedom as Americans. But, most of all, let's celebrate our freedom in Christ!! Just a few updates on me. I got up last night headed to bed and fell in the kitchen. It hurt but I fell against the cabinets so I didn't hit my head and I braced a little for the fall. I am a bit sore this morning but once again God is good and there is nothing broken.

I slept pretty good but my left leg which is where I fell hurt a lot and is still sore this morning. I expect it will be for a while.

I woke about 7:15 this morning to take Jason, my surrogate son, and his cousin Jordan fishing. The boys had a blast and it is good for me to get out but I did over do it a bit. I felt my pace maker working and had a few chest pain but I woke with chest pain and took nitro which cleared it up. It came back as I caught some fish so exursion does bring on some pain but it has calmed down now that I am home and have taken a valum.

Another day, another adventure. We had our God daughter over for the night which meant more work for Emily but I did my best to help. I got up this morning and watched all three girls while Emily slept. I'm not sure when she woke up but I sent the girls for her around 9:30. I had been up with them since around 7. They really didn't want breakfast so it wasn't too bad. I just let them but on their bathing suits and go outside and play. Eva is so cute and tried so hard to keep up and really does a pretty good job. They found cataba worms in the yard and had a blast catching them. I made every effort to stay up for as long as I could just to try to keep pushing myself even after Emily had gotten up. We also had another guest my surrogate son Jason and he woke up around lunch time pretty typical for a teenager but he did go outside and so Emily did not have to do everything which was good. Jason is great with the kids and loves them like sisters and spent a good deal of time with them. I finally just gave out and went back to bed at 12:30. I was exhausted and my left foot was in a lot of pain but I had promised to take Cottia fishing and I had Jason with me so he was a great help. Emily took Chloe home and went shopping. I felt bad that she could not go fishing with us but I am working very hard on having a day off for her next week in the hopes she can go fishing or do whatever she wants to. My neice has ageed to watch the girls so Emily just has to pick the day she wants off probably next Friday. I didn't have a tremor but I did feel my speech was a little worse today and I have tingling in my left fingers and toes so I don't think that is a good sign. Still we went fishing and Cottia caught the biggest fish. We all caught 2 fish but one got back in the water. It was just nice to be with her. I just need to relax now and settle down. All in all a pretty good day if I could just get this pain in the foot and the tingling in the fingers figured out. The tremors are still there but I don't think I had one today other than in my hands. I am so tired now and my chest is a bit tight but hopefully it is nothing. I have the nitro in case I need it I just hope I don't pay for all I did with a bad night which has been the case in the past.

I appreciate all my wife did to make this a very special weekend for Cottia, Chloe and Eva. We had pizza and swimming and a lot of just good fun for kids. I am also grateful to Jason for all his help while we were fishing. He is such a good young man and does anything I ask him to do to help out. So, now, I begin to wind down and hope I can get some rest tonight. Cottia spends the night off tomorrow so all we have to worry about is Eva. I almost wish Jason would just stay with us because I can use the help and in so many ways he is like a son to me. But, once again, my wife made the decisions and made the weekend special for the girls in difficult times.

On another note, there truly is nothing like fishing with my Cottia. Teaching her the things my grandfather taught me because my dad never did is very special and the fact that I am also teaching Jason makes it all the more special because he as never been taught these basic things either. It gives me a sense of purpose. I just need to learn to not exceed my time outside because I am so tired right now. Still, I plan to do it again as soon as I can. As long as I have Jason or another adult with me I can sit behind my walker and hope for the best. There is nothing like fishing with your child and even your surrogate child.

Happy 4th to everyone. I hope it is a great one and safe one for all.