Life continues to move on. It is apparent that I am doing better. Folks are even commenting on how I look. I still have the incontience issue but to know that my appearance is better is very uplifting. I spoke with my manager today and they are ready to accomodate any restrictions the doctor has for me. The main thing is just to ease me back into work slowly instead of just going full steam ahead. I don't think my body is ready for that. But, I do feel I am ready to get started and to move forward. God has been so faithful and now I feel I am at the end of this very long road.

Today has not been the best of days. I am now experiencing a lack of control when it comes to urination. I am just wondering if this will ever end. Maybe it is a sign that things are actually getting better. Who knows. I just never expected any of this. One thing that has come about as a result of all of this is I have begun to question what is God's plan for my life. I thought it was all falling into place. But, I have developed such a burden for those on disability and especially our seniors who are taken advantage of so much that I want to help. I got my insurance license and can now help with final expense and medicare supplemental insurance. Seeing how my mother has been taken advantage of also has helped me to feel this burden. Then, because I have had so much time I have began to question things I thought I was secure about. Am I a good Father. Am I a good husband? Am I a leader or a follower? Most people have always talked about me as being this great example of a husband and father and yet I wonder how much more I can do? What would my wife and children say if they are asked these questions. When I am gone will people answer the way we are all expected to. Oh, he was such a great husband. He was such a wonderful father. He was such a good man. He did so much for so many people. These are all answers we give when someone dies but is it real? Does it truly apply to me? If these comments are made, are they real? I want my legacy whenever that comes to be one of honor, integrity, love, committment, and patience. I want people to look at my life and say gosh, I wish I had lived my life the way he did. I want my children to be able to hold their heads high when someone speaks of their father. I have the great honor of being able to say that about my dad. He was not perfect but he was and is to this day the greatest man I have ever known. I hope my children will be able to say the same about me. tonight is a time of reflection. I am not sure why but it is. I am beginning to realize that this summer I will be 48. My dad passed when he was 52. I am 4 years away from outliving my dad. Kind of humbling when you think about it. After all that has happened and still wondering if it is truly coming to an end I guess it is only normal to wonder these things.

Funny how life turns out. I never expected all the things that have happened to me over the past few months to have happened. Yet they did. It has afforded me the opportunity to evaluate my life. Am I truly happy? Am I doing what I am meant to do? Am I a good father? Am I a good husband? Most people say I am to all of those questions yet I wonder. I wonder how my wife and children would answer those questions. Others see our lives outside our home but they know me at home. I feel very strongly that I am a good FAther and husband but the only ones that can truly answer that are the ones who live with me. Tonight is one of those nights where I am wondering where my place is in the world and I don't like it. I wonder if I can do better and be the husband and father my family deserves. I need courage to take leaps of faith and to hear no but to get back up and move on. I need dedication to make things happen. I need faith that God is going to see me through and that I am making wise decisions. Most of all, I need patience to see it through.

The pressure today is pretty intense and I have very little control. It has been getting better but today it is back to where it was. I just had a bowel movement and the bowl was full of blood. I had thought I was past that but I guess not. I am tired and feel very fatigued today. It is early in the morning so hopefully it will get better as the day goes on. I'm not going to blog much this morning but I am in a lot of pain and I am not sure why. The bleeding is pretty bad and the control issue is back. I have a week and a half to gain control before I need to try to return to work at least half a day. I guess we will see.

My days seem to be improving slowly but surely. I felt pretty good most of the morning. I took Eva to the doctor this morning as she has been coughing for over 2 weeks now. The doctor said they are seeing a lot of this and it is just taking some time to clear up. He checked my ears and gave me a prescription for the ringing. He said it should help but that is about all they can do. It will also help with anxiety. I was not sure I wanted to go on something like that but after thinking about it I believe it is a good idea. It should help with my heart issues as well. I also checked with my long term disability. The bottom line is nothing really changes. I spoke with the disability manager and he felt I should return to work part time for 4-8 weeks then graduate to full time. I would be compensated at my full pay and my benefits would continue to be deducted so that is good. So, March 9th is going to be a big day for me. Because the incontenience is worse in the morning I feel the hours I should work would be from 12-4. This also helps Colonial as it is our busiest hours. I also called to schedule an appointment with a new bariatric surgeon. I do want to have one adjustment. I hope to have this done before I return to work. God willing this whole ordeal is finally winding down. The pain from the lap band continues but I will just have to live with it. The best thing about my long term disability is if things do continue I will have a job for up to a year but they can fill my current position. I would have to apply and interview again but I would not lose my seniority. We would have to pay for my benefits but Idon't expect it will go on that long. I honestly think I will be back to work part time beginning March 10th!

Today was Presidents day so the girls and Emily were home. We decided to take the girls to the zoo. I wanted to go so badly so I did. I wore the depends just in case. I did have some slips of gas. It was embarrassing but I really wanted to spend this time with the girls. the problem was how exhausted I got and how much pain I found myself in. I just cannot get past how much pain my sides are in. Is it still from the lap band or just what is causing it. tomorrow I am calling my new doctor to see if I can get an appoinement as soon as possible. I am ok with the pain as long as I am sitting. But, getting up and moving around really sets it off. I feel I have to bend over to releave the pain. I am on a road I never expected and certainly did not want. My oldest daughter was so wonderful. I could not stand and walk with them so I had to sit. Instead of riding the merry go round she came and sat on my lap and just cuddled with me. It is amazing how much I love her and how concerned she is for her daddy. God has richly blessed me with two amazing children and no matter how much pain I am in and how discouraged I get they are always there for me. I know I am going to be taken care of and I know I am loved by the purest form of love there is. The love of little girls for their adoring father.

We got the information on long term disability. It is different from short term in that the company no longer deducts my benefits. It is up to me to pay for them. Other than that it basically is the same. If I go back part time then everything remains the same. I am going to call the doctor's office Monday to see if he is willing to allow me to try the part time. It would mean I have to work 20 hrs a week. I feel that is the best option for me. I can stay on part time disability for a while until my body is ready to resume full time. I feel I have more and more control over the bowel movements but not much over the gas. If this holds then I should be able to go back to work at least part time starting March 7th. I feel the best hours for me to work is the afternoon as my bowel movements are usually in the morning so that would reduce the chances of something happening. Gas is just when it happens. I really don't want this to go into long term. So, this is it. I do know if I go back full time for 60 days then have to come back out a whole new claim would begin. Let's just pray I am able to go back full time shortly then nothing else happens. It has certainly been a long haul. But, I have used my time wisely. I have studied and even gotten my insurance license. I am even taking a class so I can educate folks on medigap insurance and long term care. It gave me something to do while just sitting around the house. So, I can educate folks on the various types of life insurance, the importance of having a good long term insurance policy. You would be amazed at the number of households that lose everything when something tragic happens. But, I just want to be able to help people understand insurance and how it works. God has seen me through so much and I know he will continue to see me through till the end.

today was a day I had big plans for that decended into a day in the bed. I woke feeling ok but then had a bowel movement and the spasms started. It was not a good day. I felt pain the entire day but I did make myself get up and take a shower. I went to Sams for Emily just to make myself get out of the house. The weather was simply beautiful and it was nice to be out. I did experience some chest pain today which is something that has not happened in a while. It even went down my left arm but it never got intense just constant. I hope nothing is developing and I fear it is just stress. I also just did not feel well at all. Like I am getting a cold or something. I am tired and feel like I am depressed. I certainly hope that is not the case because I have had a history of severe depression in my life. This feels different though. Just like I am weak and run down. I suppose I am entitled after all I have been through. God has seen me through thus far and I know he will see me through till the end. My short term disability runs out March 6th and my next doctor appointment is on the 9th. I do have long term disability and the benefits are still very good but they do not take out contributions to my 401k plan and I would be paid monthly if it goes that far. I honestly don't think it will. But, I do think I will have to go back part time at least for a while. I am going to discuss how all this works out if I am on long term and work part time. My hope is to return to work part time for 2 weeks then transition back into full time. Hopefully nothing else comes along. God willing this will be the end of what has been a very long journey.

One thing I will say is I still have pain from the lap band itself. If I am going to keep the band I am going to have to get used to this pain probably for the rest of my life.

Not much to blog about tonight. I continue to feel like I am improving. The incontenience is still there but I think I am gaining some control over it. God is faithful and I trust his wisdom and leadership. I did find out that my short term disability has been extended to March 6th. If I am still out beyond that it will go into long term. That is when my job could be in jeopardy. But, my manager called today and told me that she just wanted me to know. She also knows everything that has happened and not to worry that my job is there. She was very reassuring. But, I will go back to work even if I am still incontinent and just hope for the best. She said I can take 3 days PTO from March 6th till March 9th when I see my doctor again if necessary but she did not even think that was necessary.

It is nice to just begin to feel somewhat normal. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel normal. I still have a lot of pain but it is just such a part of my life that I have grown to just accept it is what it is.

Today the spams hit as I expected them to. When I had a bowel movement this morning it was rough as it had been a while. That usually triggers the spasms. But, it is over now and I move on. I actually feel ok this afternoon. So, each day does seem to be getting better. I am so grateful to actually have some days that are pretty good. I feel like my days are wasted for the most part and that is really starting to worry me. I have a history of depression and I wonder if some of that is setting back in. I don't feel depressed but it can creep up on you without you really noticing.

My disability called today and it now appears I am transitioning to long term disability if I stay out until March 6th. After that it moves to long term. That will mean a new examiner even if it is for only a few days. She seems nice and we have an interview scheduled tomorrow morning at 9am. I called my short term examiner today and she said she had not received the office treatment note from the doctor's office but I called the doctor's office and they assured me they have faxed it and have a confirmation. They were going to fax again just to be on the safe side. They read me the letter they had transcribed for the disability specialist and it certainly leaves no doubt about my condition so there should not be a problem.

So, another day and time moves on. The good news is I am starting to have days where I feel good more and more. I actually am beginning to believe this entire ordeal is ending. It now is just a matter of regaining control of those muscles.

Today was one of those days. It started off pretty good and I even had a good morning. Then, that pressure started. I came home and the spasms started. Not sure why but they did. I took my medicine and tried to get some sleep. I did nap but not the normal knock out nap. I have had a lot on my mind lately besides my illness and it is beginning to weigh on me. I have some decisions to make and they are not easy. Don't worry, it is not my marriage or my home life but it is about my life and the direction it is heading in. Life is not always easy and there are choices to be made. I feel God is revealing his will to me and I am afraid to follow it. Does that make me a coward or just cautious? I want to be in the center of his will but how does one figure out when it is the Lord and when it is Satan????? All the signs are clearly there and still I hesitate. My life is yours Father and I will follow where you lead.

On another note, I called another bariatric surgeon and they will take me as a patient so I am going to make that change. I need to feel good about my health care and with Riverside I simply did not.

So, life continues. My weight is holding steady. I'm not losing anymore and I am not gaining but I am happy and feel good about where I am.

Now, if I can get past the incontinence and get back to work at least part time I think I will feel a lot better. Oh, I did not have a movement at all today so I know I can expect it tomorrow. The depends have become a part of my life and now I don't even notice them.

Please pray for guidance for me and the decisions I need to make. Pray for our family and that God will provide.

Thanks. t

The rectal spasms were pretty bad today. I'm not sure why but they were. I just wish they would go away permanently. I spent a lot of the day in the bed today but once I take that medicine I am out. Even sitting here right now I am experienceing some spasms. I was out today and had to buy some milk for the weekend when I began to feel the pressure. Luckily I was right beside a bathroom. I actually was surprised there was a bathroom in the food lion but there it was. Needless to say I made it in just the nick of time. God was definently there for me. It is also strange that I have learned to wear the depends at all times. Even if I think there is no need for them it turns out there is.

On another note, Emily is out of town this weekend so it is just me and the girls. I am looking forward to spending time with them and plan to take them to the park tomorrow. We will spend most of our time near the potty to say the least!! It is truly funny if y0u really think about it.

I also plan to let them stay up a little late....shhhhh, when momma is away daddy lets the girls play a little!!

Today was another of those pretty good days. Still had an issue with incontinence but today it was mostly gas. Emily says what's new when it happens! Guess you have to laugh. I sneeze and the inevitable happens! I did have a few spasms but even that wasn't too bad. Perhaps the healing is really beginning to take place and I can look forward to better days ahead. I have to admit it is nice to be able to smile and to feel good. I know I still have a ways to go and Lord willing I will get there. God continues to amaze me and I feel his comfort every day. It is funny how I have gotten used to staying up late at night and enjoy watching tv. I worry I am escaping from life but I make myself try to get out some during the day even if it is only for a hour or so. Just to leave the house so I don't get into a rut. My life has changed so much over the last few months and I just don't want it to be for anything but the better. God willing I am coming to the end of all of this. Finally.

Today was a pretty good day. The doctor says he sees new skin growing and that the healing is taking place. The rectal exam was rough but not as bad as the last time. I am actually encouraged! The incontinence will clear up and that is the main reason for the extension. It is finally getting better. I actually feel better and like a human being again. I still have the spasms and pain but it is better and I am just ready to move on with life. The doctor said I can pretty much do what I want just to stay close and keep the depends on. The "accidents" will become less frequent. Gosh, it felt good to get a good report for a change!!! I am just taking it day to day. the doctor's office already called the disability office and said they will forward the records as soon as they get them. This doctor's office is so much better and easier to deal with. So, another month of disability then hopefully this whole ordeal will be over. Thank you all for your continued prayers!

Yesterday was pretty good day. I am still struggling with incontenience but it is getting better. I sneezed and, well, you guessed it. But, I think that is just going to happen. The pain is also getting better. It is still there especially after a bowel movement but it is not constant. I am also still bleeding which I expected to have cleared up by now but I can live with that. The depends keeps it under control so I don't soil my pants. It is not like I am gushing blood but it is there after a movement but a lot of people have that just not in the amounts I seem to.

I am trying to cut back some on food again. I have not gained any weight back but I am ready to go ahead and take off another 10-20lbs before Easter.

I know the doctor is going to extend the disability until the incontenience clears up completely but I am hopeful that will be soon.

God is continuing to see me through and his love for me is always there.

t

Everyday does seem to be getting better. Today I felt good most of the day. The pain set in about 10:30 this morning and I did have to excuse myself from Church. I could feel the pressure and made it to the bathroom just in time. The incontinence still is there but I do feel I am beginning to regain some control. I am hopeful that the extension of disability will only be a few weeks at the most. I also feel that when I return I need to go back part time to start then gradually move back full time. I am ready for that to happen but I also understand my employers point that the incontinence has to be under control before I can return. I am sick of pain medicine and not being in control. The depends really do come in handy. I am getting used to them and they really are not uncomfortable. Funny how life throws these things at you and all you can do is live with it. But, at least I can relate to the senior citizens I love and minister to. Perhaps that is why all of this has happened so that I can know how senior citizens live and therefore relate more to them. God always has a plan and all we have to do is see the test through to figure out where he is leading. Oh How I Love Jesus!!

Got up this morning in a lot of pain but managed to get the girls up and going. I took the pain medicine and was out most of the day. When I woke, we went out to eat. I had a few issues but nothing too bad. I have a young friend with us this weekend so I took him to the high school basketball game. Sitting on those bleachers was not the best of ideas. I am really throbing right now and there was a bit of blood. I am getting ready to go to bed. Tomorrow I am going to the salt and light conference and worry how I will get through it. I know the fellowship and teaching will be great but the sitting will not be easy for me. Still, I know God will see me through it. I am still struggling with some incontenience so that will also be a concern for tomorrow. I refuse to run from life though and will not allow this to keep me down.

By the way, Swansea's boys and girls teams won! It was fun being at the game. I really love our community and school and seeing our kids succeed is always a nice feeling.

Have a good weekend everyone! I hope to blog again tomorrow.

This morning I woke with a little bleeding. It wasn't too bad but it was there. I was in pain but I expected that due to the exam yesterday. I managed to get some things done around the house and fought the pain as best I could. It did finally get the best of me and I took the pain medicine. I slept a good bit of the afternoon but not all afternoon. I wanted to get up and do some things but I didn't want to push it. I have not had a bowel movement now since Monday so I am expecting the next one to be rough. I tood the metamucil the doctor suggested and am hoping it works. The incontenience is still there and there is some drainage so I am continuing to wear the depends. I expect they will be a part of my life for a few weeks then hopefully they will be "behind" me. I am hopeful tomorrow will be an even better day and the day after that and so on and so on. For the first time in a long time I truly believe this ordeal is coming to an end. I just have to get past the incontenience. God willing and through his grace I will make it.

I saw the doctor today and he said I am healing but it is just going to take time. He did do a full exam and man was it painful. He said he did not fully understand why I had so much pain but to give it time. The botox is working but my sphentor muscle is not. It will eventually correct itself. He did say he does not expect it to correct itself in a week so he is extending my disability for now. I am to follow up with him next week. Overall, I do feel better tonight than I did last night. He said I may have had a virus but I should have had some control over my bowels so it is not just a virus but a combination of things. I left feeling better about things but still concerned as to how long this will take to correct itself. So, I continue to wear depends and hope for the best! It is actually funny in a way. A 47 year old man wearing depends and using a pacemaker. Maybe someone should submit a pilot for a TV show.

Today I have spent in bed. I do think I have some kind of virus but I have not run a fever that I know of. I just feel so weak and run down. I did manage to eat some chicken soup and have been drinking apple juice trying to stay hydrated. So far, I have not had a bowel movement at all today so hopefully that is a good thing. My wife bought me some depends in case I need them and I am wearing them now. They really don't feel that strange but it does take a little getting used to the fact that I have to wear them. I am so hoping that all of that yesterday was just a virus and that it is over. I guess we will see. Tomorrow I see the doctor and we will discuss how things are looking.