today is New years eve and I am thinking about all the blessings God has given me. Despite all the things that have happened this year I still have my wife and children. Tonight I played wii with my oldest daughter and had a ball. I am having some chest pains right now but I think it is mostly because I am just tired. I am so excited about the new year and what God is going to do in this year. I am still scheduled to return to work Jan 6th. I am not sure I am truly ready but I feel I have to go. So, to all those who read this thank you for your concern and prayers. I have felt them all and I appreciate it. I wish you all a wonderful New Year and may God richly bless in this year.

It is early morning Dec 30th. I woke in some pain this morning and had to take a pain pill. I really don't like starting the day with a pill that I know is going to knock me out. But, the pain was very intense. I also have developed these mouth sores again. I had mouth sores from time to time prior to having the band put in but since the surgery they have increased. Not sure why but the surgeons office said that does happen and they don't know why either. I guess it is just something I will have to live with. It is frustrating trying to enjoy food with mouth sores. The chest pains are a lot better right now. It is strange how they come and go. I still wonder if I have panic attacks but the doctors seem to all think it is physical not emotional. Not sure which is better but again it is just something I have to live with. Our home continues to be warm and full of love and my life is richly blessed by family and friends. All in all this past year will remain as one of the best of my life.

The chest pains have let up a bit. They are still there but they have not been as intense the last few days. I am hopeful they will subside for a while. I am still having problems with bleeding. Today it was just aweful. I had a bowel movement and there was more blood in the bowl than movement. Plus, the blood dripped for a few minutes afterwards. I just feel so weak and have little to no energy. I am taking my vitamins and protein but my energy level is ust not there. It worries me but there is very little I can do.

Tonight is a special night for us. Our beloved God daughter is spending the night with us. My girls always love having her over. The sound of all these little ones certainly raises my spirits.

The last two days the chest pains have seemed to increase. Last night I woke sweating and experiencing very intense pain. It did pass but as always it is cause for concern. The pains also bring on shortness of breath. They say not to lay in bed so I get up and watch TV until it passes. It normally lasts for about an hour then it goes away. I guess it is something I will just have to live with.

The snow was so beautiful. My daughter woke me early this morning and even though I had not rested I just refused not to go outside with her. So, we got all decked out and went out. I took a lot of pics while she made a snow man. My youngest daughter joined us and so did my wife. the girls had so much fun making a snow man. In fact, they made two. They threw snow balls at me and I just ate it up. I am so thankful that I am able to do little things with them. The joy in their eyes made it all worth while. I think life seems sweeter because of all I have been through. I honestly have wondered if I was going to live much longer. I still wonder given the intensity of the chest pain but the doctors continue to tell me they cannot find anything life threatening. There does come a point when you just have to trust what the doctors say is true.

This is the final week of 2010 and what a year it has been. I have been through more pain and emotional stress than I have ever been through in my life yet God continues to see me and my family through all things. There have been some great highlights to this year especially in sports and there have certainly been some very low lights with health. This is certainly the year of the GAmecock! And I have enjoyed each and every victory. Swansea saw a rise back on the grid iron as well. Friday nights in our little town were exciting and full of anticipation again. Our Church has seen a new and wonderful pastor come along that both irritates me and challenges me at the same time. I guess that is what a true friend is supposed to do. I have seen the goodness and love in friends. I have seen the concern and felt their prayers as we have gone through all of this. I have been blessed to have the job I have and to be able to recover from all of this while still getting paid. I am blessed to have the benefits I have and to be able to pay our bills. My mother remarried and we welcomed a new mate for her into our lives. He makes her happy and loves her very much. He is also good with the girls. All in all this year will go down as one of the best of my life. May God continue to guide us through 2011

Merry Christmas! We are hoping for snow tonight but it is such a rare occurance here that I will be surprised if it happens. Hopefully it will though! I know the girls would love it. The holidays have been very special for us. My wife has gone out of her way to make it such a special time for our girls. We have been so richly blessed. My health does seem to be improving even though it is slow and we have a beautiful home with lots of food and love all around us. My heart soars with the peace of our faith and the hope of life eternal. I have been able to eat over the holidays and not feel stuffed. I hope that is a good sign and not a bad one. I did eat sweets but it has not been overwhelming. I am planning to pull back to a shake and protein bar Monday. But, I am so glad that I can pretty much eat what I want just not to excess. It will be interesting to see if I continue to lose or just maintain over the remainder of the holiday season. The pain the past two days has been really bad. I find it difficult to do very much but I try to press on with a smile. I continue to feel fatigued and tired most of the time. I also continue to exprience some bleeding and that does worry me because I thought that would be over by now. So, life goes on. My family is all together safe and sound so I dont think there is anything more than anyone on this planet can ask for. Merry Christmas to everyone who reads this blog. I pray God richly blesses you now and for the coming year!

The last few days have given me hope that the worst is over. Emily is much better. But, Eva started with a runny stool. So far she is not throwing up and is not running a fever but I decided to go ahead and start the medicine in the hopes we can prevent it from getting too bad for her. Cottia seems fine but I decided to start the medicine in her as well. I seem to have much more strength and endurance but I am still in a lot of pain. I feel like I am getting around better the past few days as well so that is encouraging. I just don't want to push it. I want to keep myself grounded and looking forward.

We have all our Christmas done and are looking forward to celebrating the birth of Jesus. Emily has made this such a special Christmas for us. Even though we have been through a lot our home is decorated, warm and full of love. I think in the end one cannot ask for more.

Merry Christmas!!

My wife is sick!!! She woke this morning with the stomach flu and has been throwing up all day. So, the kids and I got out of the house. I really do not need this thing to go through our house again. Please Father, don't let the girls get sick. When we left we went to visit my cousin and then took the girls to McDonalds on 321 so they could all play. It was my way of wearing them out so they will sleep well tonight. I had a wonderful visit with my cousin who I love very much then we went by food lion to buy momma some gingerale. Took the girls home and gave them a bath. I stripped the bed and began trying to wash the germs out of the house. But, I am really paying for it. The pain is incredible and I have had some bleeding. I will get through it because my family needs me and it has to get done. Hopefully my wonderful wife will be back up good as new soon. She took such good care of me for the past few months so I am glad to have the opportunity to minister to her.

My disability called today and they have approved the disability through Jan 5th. We will see how things go from there. God is continuing to watch over us and we give him all the praise and glory!

Today has been a good day. I have felt pretty good most of the day. There has been pain and sometimes it would get intense but it was not all day. I am really tired and continue to feel weak but I am hoping that will pass. It amazes me that the pain where the port for the band is continues to hurt. There are times I feel like the band just grabs my stomach area and pinches me. I also am having chest pain but it is not too intense. Certainly nothing like what happened Sunday a week ago. The ringing in my ears is getting worse so I guess I need to get that checked again. May as well try to do it before the end of the year. 47 and completely falling apart! Oh well, maybe Hollywood will pick up my life as a comedy series and I can just retire to my sad body!

I did not hear anything yet again today from the surgery center so I don't know if they have sent the information to my disability specialist. I sent her an email to check but got a response that she is out until Dec 27th so I had to send another email to another specialist to see if the information is there and they can go ahead and make a decision. At least we would know before Christmas.

My wife and children continue to bring me great joy and comfort during all of this. My love for them all is overwhelming. Thank you Father for the love of those around me.

The last few days have been both challenging and rewarding. We had our Sunday School Christmas party yesterday at our home. I was so glad to have everyone over here. They mean so much to me and I love them with all my heart. But, I have to depend on others to get things done. I wanted to desperately to bring the wood up for the fire and to be able to contribute. But, I was limited. Still, I was able to get through it. I got really exhausted from even just standing for a few minutes but it was worth it to enjoy the fellowship and friends. My strength is just not coming back. In fact, I am not sure it has ever come back from the band surgery. For every day I feel a little bit of strength, there are two to three days of complete fatigue. Still, people have been so good. When the class left our wood box was full and our refridge was full so our home is warm and we are blessed. What more can a family ask for?

Today was Sunday and I had been asked to sing O Holy Night for Christmas. It is a tradition dating back 30 years now. But, I am so weak and I wondered if I could get through it. I felt my voice was pretty good but even standing long enough to sing is a challenge. Then, throw in nerves and it could have really been rough. None the less, I felt I wanted to do this and that it would be good for me and a blessing to the Church. So, I asked for a stool and sat while I sang as best I could. I was worn out afterwards but it was such a great feeling to be up there sharing the talent God has given me and knowing it meant so much to so many others. What they did not know was how much it meant to me. I pray God allows me many more years of singing that wonderful Christmas song.

When we got home I looked at the new pants my wife bought for me and realized they were falling off. So, we are going to have to buy some new pants again. I am not down to a size 40 from a size 48. 8 inches in the waste is such an accomplishment. I am so pleased with the weight loss and give God all the credit for what he has done.

I'm not sure why but for some reason this Christmas seems a bit more special than recent ones. I'm not sure if it has to do with all I have ben through or just that we are home and not traveling this year. But, my wife has done so much to make this a very special Christmas for us all. Our home is beautifully decorated and our kids are loved and secure. Thank you Father for all the blessings you have given me.

Another day and more pain. But, I did get good news from my cardiologist. My heart checks out and the pacemaker is working as it should. He is not concerned about blockage. He did say the entire episode Sunday night may have been related to the stomach flu. He said it is unusual for a person like me to have angina but mine is an unusual case. I have heard that from him before. Because they don't know why I had a heart attack in the first place 5 years ago they cannot understand everything that is going on in me. He did say there is a condition called vascular angina. It is rare and hard to diagnose but that may be what I am dealing with. He advised me to continue what I am doing and to get rest. There is a medicine that can be used to help with this type of angina but he does not want me on any more medicines right now. I am so glad he feels that way as I am sick of medicines. He did say if the episodes continue or get worse to let him know if not he wants to see me in three months. I left the appointment reassured but at the same time a bit sad. The fact that the pacemaker is working and is keeping my heart going is wonderful but it is also sad that my heart needs it to keep me going. Still, that is why it is there and God has given us some wonderful tools to prolong life and to improve quality of life. Right now, my job is to continue to rest and get better.

The pain in the rectum was pretty intense today as was the pain around my stomach where the band it located. I am also still very tired and weak from the flu but I hope it is going to get better soon. I was able to eat a bit tonight in fact I ate a small amount of prime rib. It is the first time I have tried to eat meat other than a burger since the surgery. I tolerated it well but did not eat very much.

Once again, I have not heard from the surgeon's office. I called again and left a message but no return call. Right now I have decided if I don't hear something by noon tomorrow I will call the administrative office again. If they don't get this done, I will get a lawyer. The stress is certainly not helping me get better. In fact, it is probably making matters worse.

My wife and children continue to be supportive and I love them more each day. God has blessed me with the most wonderful family a man could want.

I saw my surgeon today and he did an exam. He said I am healing but it is just going slow. He also said he was not too concerned about the bleeding as that is normal. But, if it is still there in a few months then we need to be concerned. He did say I needed more time to heal. That sometimes it just takes a while and when you couple that with everything else I have been through it is just going to take a while. So, he picked the date and said for me not to return to work until Jan 10th. I am releaved as I know my body is just not ready so hopefully I can rest and get better. The exam was not pleasant but it was necessary. He also said it was critical that I follow up with my cardiologist regarding the angina. He said that was the most important thing right now. I have had several PVC episodes this afternoon but they have not been as painful as the ones Friday evening. Hopefully I am not building up to another angina attack.

The office manager from the surgery center visited with me one and one. She apologized for how my case had been handled and assured me she would have it taken care of this afternoon and that she would give me a call. As of 4:10 I have not heard from her. But, I am willing to give it until tomorrow. I do understand no system is perfect and that it does appear their medical records area dropped the ball on that.

All in all, today has not been too bad. Just a few things here and there. Frankly I am more concerned about my heart than anything else. I also worry that I could be having panic attacks but I just don't think that is the case. Obviously there is something physical so we just have to figure out what that is. What a life!!

Today was another of those interesting days. I called my primary physician and he wanted to see me right away so I had the appointment at 11:15. On the way to the office I began having the chest pains again but this time they moved into the jaw. That worried me but I pressed on. When I arrived the doctor was great. He listened to my heart and said he did not hear anything that alarmed him but felt we needed to do a EKG. We went over my history and discussed angina. After he read the EKG he came back and said it looked ok. He did not think I had another heart attack but he could see changes in the EKG since the last time they had done one. So, clearly something was going on. He felt I did not need to wait to follow up with my cardiologist but also did not feel I needed to go back to the hospital at this time. He explained what angina is and there could be many causes but he does not feel I have blockage which is reassuring. He said for me to stay out of work until we get to the bottom of this and that he would be able to help me with that. Now we have to get the appointment with my cardiologist set up to see where we go from here. The good news is I do not appear to have had another heart attack. The bad news is the angina may be getting worse. The issue is what is causing it. He also recommended a flu shot so I got that done today as well.

I still had not heard anything from the surgeon regarding my continuing disability. I had called 3 times Friday and twice today. Finally, I called the hospital administration and they got on it. The surgeon's office did call and assured me they called my disability people and would have the paper work expitited so I can get my disability. The office manager did explain that their medical records division had not told her they did not have my treatment notes from their copying service. She told me she had put a rush on it that it was over a week and that was not acceptable to them. My frustration with the surgery center is off the chain. I told her I would not have called the administrative area if I had simply recieved a return phone call but I did not get that courtesy which was certainly adding to the stress I am already under with my heart. It is just a nightmare. They scheduled an appoinement with the surgeon tomorrow and the office manager said she would like to see me when I come in so I am looking forward to explaining my position and hopefully moving on.

Right now, I am both physicall and emotionally exhausted. I am just not sure how much more my body can take. But, I press on and trust God. He will sustain us through all of this.

I am back from the hospital and very tired. It started yesterday evening with chest pain and diarreha (sp). then, I began vomiting. The pain was very intense and felt a lot like the pain when I had the heart attack. I really thought this was another heart attack. My wife called EMS and I was transported to the hospital.
The EKG looked fine so it was not a heart attack. I was admitted to the hospital and given some pretty powerful drugs. The doctor said I had a viral GI and angenia. The angenia was causing the chest pain. He told me to stay off work and to follow up with my general doctor. I do know they forwarded the information to my cardiologist so he is aware of the situation. I am still having diarreha as of right now and don't have any desire to eat. I was told if my fever goes back up or if the vomiting returns to go back to the hospital. Hopefully that won't happen. My fever spiked yesterday at 102. So, I had two good days and now this. Is this some kind of joke? I sometimes wonder that. For now, I am going back to bed and simply resting. Sometimes that is the best medicine.

Wow, two days in a row that were better! I have not had that since before the first surgery way back in August. Tonight, I am in some pain but it is not as bad as previous. The only concerns I have is the amount of PVC episodes that are happening right now. Last night I could not catch my breath due to how heavy the PVC episodes were. It really did scare me. I stated to wake my wife but decided to ride it out. One of these days that is going to be a big mistake. Eventually they subsided but I did not get a lot of rest. Today I have been very tired which is to be expected. The PVC episodes have continued today and I have had some shortness of breath but it has not been nearly as bad as it was last night. I guess we will see.

Tomorrow is our Church Christmas program. I am looking forward to worshiping and celebrating the birth of the risen Savior!

Today has not been as bad as other days. I actually felt good some during the day. The pain is still there but it does not seem to be as intense. I am wondering if the predisone is helping the rectal problem. Time will tell. I called my surgeon's office three times today to see what the doctor had said. But, I did not receive a return call. I even left a message with an office manager but still no return call. I sent an email to my manager letting her know what I had done. I also faxed the note from the doctor to the disability specialist so at least she will have something on file. I am so sick of being sick. But, at least for today, I had some moments when I felt good. I hope it is not a one day event and that I am actually on the road to full recovery. God remains in control. Not in my time but his!

This morning I went to my primary care giver. He did an exam of my back and said the disc and lower back issue is not related to the hemmoroid issue. But, the tail bone issue may be as a nerve may have been hit during surgery. He prescribed Prednisone to see if it will help with the disc. He said this would have been there no matter my weight but losing the weight will certainly help. He said if the Prednisone does not work then I may be looking at shots in the back and eventually surgery. God please don't let that happen. I just don't know if I can go through anymore. He referred me back to my surgeon regarding the tail bone so I went there and spoke with the nurse. She came out and sat with me in the lobby. I think looking her eye to eye was helpful. Somtimes, I think they lose touch when dealing with us over the phone and actually seeing me face to face may have helped. I explained that I am scared. I just don't understand why I am still in so much pain. I also am afraid of losing my job and just feel so undertain. She seemed to understand. I also explained what the gastro had said yesterday and that I really need them to get the disability paper work completed and sent in ASAP. My surgeon was actually in surgery today so he could not see me. The nurse was going to speak with the PA and then with the surgeon. I am hoping to hear something from them tomorrow. I am really concerned that this thing is not going to end soon. My spirit is so down right now. But, at the same time I feel optimistic. I don't know how to explain that. I think it is the Holy Spirit ministering to me letting me know He is in charge and no matter what I will be taken care of. My God is so awesome.

Today I went to my gastro. I felt I really needed his opinion on everything. He said he does not normally see patients post surgery as he does not do the surgery. He felt I needed to see my surgeon and go tomorrow. He said he was surprised the surgeon had not examined me and allowed the PA to do the examination. He did do an examination and said he would not be able to do anything further than just a visual as I needed to be under anesthesia (sp). He also said he could not do a colonoscopy to rule other things out as my body just could not be put through that right now. He saw the incision from the surgery but could not go any further with the examination. He said he felt I should be a lot further along than I am at this point. He also said he did not understand why they did the internal hemmoroids. He felt taking the external would have been enough. What's done is done though. I have to work through all of this and just trust it is going to get better. I have another appointment with my primary tomorrow to see his thoughts and to check on my back to make sure it is not being affected by all of this. I appreciate everyone's prayers and concern as we continue this journey.

The pain today has increased. I have also had more bleeding. I have scheduled an appointment with my gastro tomorrow for his opinion. I have also scheduled another appointment with my personal care doctor Thursday. There has to be answers. I told me wife that I am really worried something else is going on. Something they just don't see or have not looked for. For the first time I actually wondered if I have cancer. I realize that is being paranoid but it is becomming a concern. I pray that is not the case. I am trying the donut they suggested and it seems to help a little in one area but has moved the pain to another. Still, I continue to trust God and his faithfullness. He is in control, not me.

I went to my surgeon's office today. The pain is increasing and not getting any better. They said that I should not be surprised at the amount of pain I am in as they had to go up a ways to do the surgery. I just did not expect it to last this long. When they did the rectum exam I thought I was going to die. The pain was the most intense I have ever experienced. Tonight it is very intense but there really is very little I can do. They did say I appear to have a tear in the area which is contributing to all of this but again there is just nothing that can be done. We did discuss the pain medicine and that it just does not seem to be helping so I am going to stop taking it. It is causing constapation and really does very little with the pain issue so there is no reason to continue it. The down side is the pain will probably get worse before it gets better. I called my manager and my disability specialist. My manager said not to worry that a few more weeks will probably make all the difference. The disability specialist asked a lot of questions but will fax the request for medical information. I called the surgeon's office and made it clear it is vitally important that they respond as quickly as possible which I believe they will. They have been very good about working with my disability folks on this matter. There is always the chance the extension will be denied but there is medical documentation to extend so hopefully it won't be a problem. I really need to return as my pay has been reduced 30% now and that does make a difference in our lives. Fortunently, God has provided for us and we are ok. There is also always the chance I could lose my job but given the assurance I have from my manager I really don't think that will happen either. I am truly blessed as far as all of that goes. I am going to call my personal gastro to see if he will see me and check me. I trust him very much and feel I could use the second medical opinion as to exactly where I am.

I lost another 3lbs according to their scales!

My heart also continues to be a concern as I continue to struggle with PVC episodes.

I spoke with my manager tonight and also have discussed with my wife and right now I still plan to return to work Tuesday. My manager told me not to worry and she will continue to work with me no matter what. There is a possibility I would return to work part time which I am researching with my disability. I personally think that would be best to try and ease back into work but also to make sure my body can take it. The pain is increasing instead of getting better which really does worry me. But, I may just have to live with it. Time will tell.

On another note, I had a wonderful evening with my wife. It is kinda rare that we get to go out to eat together alone and we were able to do that tonight. I am so thankful for her and all she means to me and does for our family.

I will blog more later tonight. But, for now, the pain if getting worse. I did not think that was possible. I tried to do things because they needed to be done and apparently it just has caused something to happen. the bleeding continues and I am still frustrated. God is in control and I know that but I am beginning to wonder if I will be able to function the rest of my life without feeling pain. there is a difference between pain and soreness. This is pain. I also continue to worry there is something else going on they have not discovered. The saga continues.

today I kept my youngest daughter. We had so much fun. We started the day at my moms as she made breakfast for us. Then, we came back home and she took a good nap. When she woke, we got my oldest daughter and headed back to my mom's. It was cold but we rode the golf cart and really enjoyed the beautiful farm. Finally, we came home after some supper at the barbeque place in Swansea...which is awesome I might add. I am able to eat some barbeque but it is less than a childs plate. Still, I am happy I can eat it and enjoy it without pigging out. We came home and I decided to get our Christmas things out so we could put up our trees and get ready to decorate. That is where I made my mistake. I didn't do very much but as everyone knows, putting up Christmas trees requires some lifting. Right now, the pain is probably worse than it has been. I am really hurting and just want to sit and do nothing right now. I HATE THIS! I want so desperately to help with the Christmas decorating. I have always done that. Daddy puts up the trees and helps with decorating. Mom does the arranging. I feel like a part of me has been put out to pasture. Tomorrow, I have some friends coming over to help and I appreciate them but this is supposed to be what daddy does! It is almost like I am a 70 year old man instead of a 47 year old dad. My shoulder is throbing right now from the pacemaker but my heart seems to be ok just a sore shoulder. Our home is always so beautiful at this time of year. My wife knows how to arrange everything and the girls eyes just light up. Instead of being the vibrant Father I used to be I feel I am relagated to the sidelines and asking others to do what I should be able to do. Will it be this way for the rest of my life? I simply don't know. I want my life back!

I decided today that I needed to do some things. So, I did try to get some things done but I am really paying for it now. I have bled again and it is really uncomfortable. I just have to get my body going again and don't know any other way to do it. I continue to take the medicines they have prescribed for me but it really does not help. There are days I just wish I could start crying and cry all day to get out all this emotion I have built up. I think I will watch a very emotional movie to see if I can get it started. I am supposed to return to work Tuesday but honestly don't know if I will be able to stand it. Even right now as I am writing this the pain is throbing and very instense. I now have a great respect for those that deal with pain like this on a daily basis. time moves on and life continues. No matter what, God is in control and I do trust him.

Today has not been too bad. I had to go to the ENT and was told the ringing in my ear needs to be monitored and that if I start getting dizzy I need to let them know. The bleeding continues and I continue to have intense pain but there is just nothing that can be done. The surgeons office called and I am to see them Monday before returning to work. I have to admit I have mixed emotions about returning. I want to go back but the pain is so bad I just don't know if I can stand it. I had a lot of PVC episodes today and 1 was very intense but the others were not so bad. I just continue to work through all of this. I think my biggest concern is how my daughters are going to see me in the future. Will they see this weak man that is dependent on others for everything or will they see their daddy, a strong vibrant man working to take care of them and their mother. I claim the later. God continues to give me strength and I know I am in his care. I just never thought at this point in my life I would have all these issues and even have to clean blood from myself during the day. I am not sure what lesson I am meant to learn but please Father teach me soon!